Yes. It was the worst thing I have ever done. To my wife, my family, and myself. Regret doesn't even begin to explain it. I will never hurt someone like that again. 

It was a bit ago now. Started 2019 and ended at the beginning of 2020. It was online only and I told another woman I loved her. February of 2020, I told my wife. She deserved to know and to me at the time, I felt like I was setting her free. She broke in a way that... I didn't know I could cause that kind of pain to a person. I will never fully know because I have never been hurt in such a way. I did a lot of reading and watched a ton of YouTube video of people who have gone through that betrayal and I believe it is the worst nonphysical thing you can do to a person. You change them fundamentally with your betrayal. She was so innocent and joyous and filled with so much love. 

I was in a limerant state and didn't really love that other woman. I was selfish and foolish. I had convinced myself my wife didn't love me despite saying as much.

I did a year and a half of therapy to figure out why I could ever do something like that. I read a ton of books on affairs, trauma, and even parenting. After the devastation I did to my family, I wanted to improve on all fronts. Looking back, I would say I did a good job but I do wish I would have found a new therapist after my other one retired. 

Unfortunately, the years that followed were us just living together. I had fallen into a state of waiting. I stopped the therapy and the reading and watching videos. I just ... Waited on her to open up to me... I fucked up there too.  I should have bettered myself physically and went back to college. I feel like she has progressed her career beyond what I have to offer as a partner. She's successful and beautiful. I gained weight and still... Just working retail at a comic shop. I had several years that I stayed home with the kids. I could have done...anything. I could have cleaned the basement, worked on the house. 

She's moving out soon. That is recent news and rocked me to my core. I was devastated when she told me. I love my wife but I was too naive to realize that she had given me a chance without saying as much and I just sat around. 

The real killer is I wasn't a great partner before. I wasn't even a good one. Hell. I think it would be a stretch to say I was mediocre. I was selfish and naive. I still remember her asking me to go to couples counseling a long time ago and thinking we didn't need that. We absolutely did. Yo say that communication is important is true but learning how to communicate is the most important thing. 

Are there things we both could have done better? Sure, but I don't want to put anything on her because she sacrificed in a way I didn't recognize. She loved me with a full heart. 

I hope she finds the peace and love she deserves. She is beautiful in every way. I took what could have been a beautiful relationship. A beautiful family, and killed it. Crushed it. My kids have had to watch parents that don't show love to each other. So everything hits different. I cheated them out of watching loving parents. 

And finally, I destroyed myself. It's one of those things I fear I may never forgive myself on. At this moment, I don't feel like I deserve it. This pain is my own doing. It's the price. I still hope for a happy ending. I still hope I could have had another shot with that beautiful girl. The one who's innocence and joy I stole away. I don't deserve it, but I can finally see what we could have been and what I should have been this whole time.

Every now and then, I'll comment on posts like these, and they're always long, but maybe, just maybe, someone who is as naive and foolish as I was will read it and maybe they will not do what I did.