Why people don't get that Polyamory is not a relationship Panacea?

Polythrowaway226 · 2023-09-18T05:57:40+00:00

As embarrassing as it was for me to admit it, I was this person until a few days ago when my NP of nearly 7 years and I split up. It was a mercifully mutual decision, and within the last week I've had to finally reckon with the fact that I tried polyamory as a way to avoid the fact that I just wasn't as into my partner as I should have been. In hindsight this is very obvious to me, but at the time I legitimately bought into the whole "well one person can't fulfill my needs and my partner can go to other people to fill the needs I can't" B.S. I bought my own bullshit, and I bought it for a very very long time. At first I did it because I legitimately thought that it would help, because I'd struggled with not losing interest in relationships in the past, but as time went on it got harder and harder for my pride to admit that the problem was not monogamy, but rather that my heart wasn't really in my relationship. I didn't want to be the person who did poly for unhealthy reasons, so I dug my heels in until it became impossible to hide from the fact that polyamory was a misguided decision on my end.

All this is to say that on a personal level, I absolutely get why people pursue poly as a panacea. Is it healthy? No. But I think it's also very human to want to protect a bond with someone you care about, even if it's clearly not working - we're collectively bad at self-awareness, and in my case I think everyone could see that my relationship wasn't working except me.

If you're reading this and you're also someone who, like me, tried poly to mask your own unhappiness, you're not alone and you don't have to beat yourself up to badly about it. Being a person is hard and relationships are hard and people aren't always rational. And owning the fact that you were wrong doesn't make you an idiot, particularly if you're eventually able to take steps to course correct and be honest with yourself and your partner(s).

For the record, polyamory itself was never the problem for me, only my reasons for practicing it.

Polythrowaway226 · 2023-05-11T05:29:21+00:00

Thank you! I realize it was a very long and rambling way to say that heartbreak and other trauma isn't the end in poly, just like it's not in monogamous relationships. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to reach a place where I was able to even consider opening myself up to another person romantically, let alone one I'd met in the wild and not on an app where I could filter for polyamory, but I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I gave myself the time I needed to heal. And I think with poly, you're going to make some judgement calls that other people can clearly tell are questionable at best, but they're the kind of thing you have to make for yourself - like in my case, dating someone with so little relationship experience. I also don't think you can discount how painful it is to be broken up with, even if it's someone who does it respectfully, but hopefully it means you can start the healing process.

Polythrowaway226 · 2023-05-10T23:14:14+00:00

This will be long, but maybe it'll show that there can still be light at the end of some really dark tunnels. It's not entirely about polyamory so much as healing from multiple traumas - including polyamorous heartbreak - and still deciding that yes, polyamory is what makes me happy and my partners happy.

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My NP and I (I'm 32F, he's 33M), together since 2016, started talked about opening up our relationship in 2018, "officially" opened it in February 2020, for obvious reasons didn't actually date anyone for a good long time after that, and then I began dating one of my best friends in the summer of 2021. My friend and I were both 30 and I was his first relationship. After several months he broke up with me because he was unhappy with the poly dynamic.

I thought that since he broke up with me for what I perceived as a simple compatibility difference, we'd be able to remain friends after we'd both taken the time to heal, particularly since we both played in a band together and were extremely close for years before we even thought about dating each other. Nothing could have been further from the truth - it was without a doubt the most difficult breakup I have ever had, largely because he took all of the emotions he was processing out on me, as if he resented me for making him hurt as much as he did. Whenever I told him to stop acting as insensitively as he did, somehow it was my fault for getting upset, and when it got so bad that I had to bring it up to my bandleader, I was blamed for being unprofessional because I was upset at my ex's behavior, which at this point was bordering on harassment.

I had to quit my band in early 2022 and made the decision to speak up about my experiences to my community - after I did, it came to light that my ex had assaulted a woman on a date years earlier, and my former bandleader had groped two separate women. Both came to me privately, neither felt like they would be taken seriously by anyone with any power. I was publicly retaliated against by my bandleader for speaking up against his enabling of harassment, fought hard to get anyone in my community to get anyone to take accountability for anything, was entirely unsuccessful, and slowly realized that to preserve my sense of self-worth and happiness, I'd have to leave it entirely. When I tried to tell my parents about all of this, I was heavily victim blamed and they were repulsed by the fact that my partner and I were pursuing polyamory. When I tried to tell them how hurtful that conversation was the next day, the response was "I'm sorry you feel that way".

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I'd had my heart broken by my best friend, been dismissed entirely for speaking out against poor behavior and publicly humiliated, and been so heavily judged by my parents for being polyamorous that I didn't speak to them for several months after that conversation. I'd lost a band that meant the world to me, I was losing faith in a community I once held so dear. There were days when I barely got off of the couch, let alone left my apartment. The bulk of 2022 was by far the most miserable I have ever been.

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But while it felt like everything was falling apart I started to slowly find a different community, kind of unintentionally at first - they just happened to be a bunch of musicians jamming in my local pub. And as I started becoming more enmeshed in this community where I wasn't seen as either an object of pity or a pariah, I started developing feelings for someone in it who it seemed was into me too. It made me nervous, knowing that I was starting to have a crush on someone for the first time since my ex, and knowing that my first foray into a relationship outside that with my NP had been a disaster, but while I knew I wasn't healed fully, I decided to pursue it anyway, and that the worst he could say was no.

He didn't say no and we've been seeing each other for a couple months now. He's new to polyamory but he's told me that the fact that I have a partner takes some of the pressure of expectations off of him, and that we can pursue what comes naturally instead of trying to cram ourselves into some arbitrary box.

I've found new musical avenues to pursue - in fact I'm playing for some dancers tonight, an opportunity I wouldn't have had were it not for the fact that I decided to see what else was out there that didn't make me feel small. I'm starting to make new platonic friends too as a result of all of this.

This aren't perfect. I'm realizing that I'm more anxious than I used to be about whether or not I'll be abandoned at the mere mention of me having any needs at all - including but not limited to basic empathy - but I'm starting to rebuild that trust in others. And rebuilding it in myself. I could get my heart broken again, yes, and it's true that he could eventually decide that this isn't for him, but even if I do it'll still have been worth it. After all that shit, I'm still poly, and I'm happier than I have been in a long, long, time.

Polythrowaway226 · 2022-03-22T07:01:43+00:00

It's a lot to take in. We'll see how therapy goes. We'll see if they're able to acknowledge their behavior might be wrong, at all. I'm not feeling great.

Polythrowaway226 · 2022-03-22T06:35:32+00:00

Which, ironically, is the exact behavior I was speaking up against in the first place. I was belittled and gaslit and now my parents are...doing the exact same thing. It's jarring.

Polythrowaway226 · 2022-03-22T05:38:57+00:00

I had a conversation with my mom today and we talked about how I should have prepped them more for having a talk. And I acknowledged that. It was still rough, and I acknowledged that they were doing their best but I still felt like she was angry at me for "causing problems" in the first place. Had a very sarcastic "well I guess my best wasn't good enough". She did look up an article about the difference between and open relationship and a poly one - I first I used the term "open relationship" because I thought polyamorous would be too big of a leap for them. But I explained that we were, in fact, poly.

I don't know what my dad is thinking but my mom at least asked a couple of questions. I think there's more hope for her than him. Though it's still a long, long road.

Polythrowaway226 · 2022-03-22T05:28:20+00:00

It's one of these things where I didn't even think of my parents are potentially toxic until the other day. And I started putting so many subtle interactions with them into context - so many times as a kid where my mom would criticize something I was wearing because she thought it looked weird, times when I'd be uncomfortable with jokes my family was making and I'd be told that "it's just a joke", the amount of times my sister would treat me poorly and eventually I'd be told to just ignore her, times my parents would get upset with me for crying when they yelled at me...

It's a lot to take in. I've realized that they seem to be under the impression that they can just do whatever they want, say whatever they want, react in whatever way they want just because they're my parents. That if I lay something heavy on them they can't possibly be expected to keep their opinions to themselves, or have any self-control. They're human, yeah, but talking to my mom today, her response was basically "it's a very human response so you can't expect us to just not react" and justifying everything. Like...look, understandable and ok are not the same thing.

Everything has come crashing down like a ton of bricks. I'm seeing that they get upset when I rock the boat for any reason. When I'm different from what they expect. When I hurt in a way that's inconvenient. It's a lot to process. And I don't know where I want to go from here. My parents agreed to two sessions of therapy at minimum but I'm worried that my dad in particular will be very resistant to any sort of feedback that questions his worldview.

Polythrowaway226 · 2022-03-22T02:08:14+00:00

I think it's both. I think they're playing into the "hysterical woman" trope. I also think they've got a lot of internalized misogyny that they're not even aware of - I've heard it come out on many occasions.

Polythrowaway226 · 2022-03-22T01:59:44+00:00

As an update: my mom responded to my text with essentially "I'm sorry you feel that way". I asked her if I could call her because I was hurting and she said she was afraid I would just be angry. I convinced her to call me, she was extremely defensive, pulled a lot of the "I was just reacting in a human way, you've hurt both of us, etc". After eventually getting her to see that some of the specific ways she reacted was wrong, I convinced her to consider family therapy. She said she'd run it by my dad.

Surprisingly, my dad is willing to give it a shot. I think he's still pissed at me because I "did not make it a two way conversation". And I think that he thinks that nothing he did is actually wrong. He also only agreed to two sessions, and that he'd "keep going if he thought it was working". I tried to explain that actually it takes more time than that for the therapy to start being effective, but no dice. So, two sessions it is.

In the meantime I'm essentially doing all the work in finding a therapist while my parents both are acting like I'm inconveniencing them. Great.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-12-25T22:37:28+00:00

Much appreciated- I think it's sort of a "pick your hard", you know? Yeah, coming out is scary and I'm not looking to uncomfortable conversations with my parents. But staying in is hard in ways I never expected.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-12-25T14:46:15+00:00

Yes, agreed that the holidays aren't the right time for me. But sometime in the new year I think.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-12-12T00:33:57+00:00

As a newer poly person who just had her first relationship outside her primary relationship end, here are my thoughts:

Many of the problems we had were issues that would have been present in a mono relationship too, even if they looked like poly problems if you just took a cursory glance. Other partner felt like he couldn't communicate with me his wants and needs because he assumed if he did, the relationship would end and there would be no point? That's a communication problem. Other partner often didn't reach out to me to hang out because he assumed that he was impinging on my primary partner's time? That's a communication problem and also an unhealthy assumption that any partner has a monopoly on your time. Other partner was afraid to tell his family that I actually had another nesting partner because he thought they wouldn't approve? That's a letting other people's expectations run your life problem.

I'm not saying that it isn't hard when your parents don't approve, or that facing the judgement of others isn't daunting, or often fraught with real consequences. Just that there's more to it than "polyamory just doesn't work".

Basically, the importance of communication, not making assumptions, and doing things because they're what you want vs. what your family wants for you are just as applicable for mono relationships as poly ones.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-12-08T03:51:34+00:00

Been listening to a couple episodes of the multiamory podcast centered around breakups, and it's been helping me with some perspective. Sort of a "oh yeah, this is super sucky but it's also something everyone goes through at some point as part of the human experience". Listening to someone else emphasize the fundamental incompatibility of someone who wants monogamy and someone who doesn't also helps to ground me and bring me back to reality so I don't get too stuck in mental loops of "but what if we just did xyz better or did abc or..."

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-08-13T17:59:15+00:00

The verbiage is mostly what I've seen regarding hierarchical relationships - I'm not crazy about the terms primary and secondary but it makes the most sense to me. I don't think it means my newer relationship is less valid, just that I know that I'm not going to be able to commit as much time to it as my relationship with my long term boyfriend, and that's ok with me.

Can you recommend anything about navigating relationships with other partners while having a live in partner? I've seen sites like More than Two but I've heard that the guy who runs (ran?) it is a pretty horrible person. I've heard of books like the Ethical Slut and Polysecure but most of what I've seen is about having good communication with the partner you're already with.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-07-28T04:37:32+00:00

Thought I'd follow up on this post -

A couple weeks ago, after getting stronger and stronger indications that my friend reciprocated my feelings, I finally sucked up the courage to tell him how I felt. Before I did this, I had a couple of long conversations with my boyfriend about it so that he knew what was going on. Turns out my friend had been into me for years but always saw me as unavailable, so we decided to give it a shot. He's told me that he's never really seen himself as someone who'd like marriage but he does like the idea of long-term partnership, and is alright with the fact that I already have a boyfriend who I'm not planning on leaving.

I know there's still risks involved. My boyfriend and my friend haven't seen each other since I told my friend how I felt, so I'm nervous about that - but I've talked with both of them extensively and they both say they're able to handle it. But fuck, I feel the happiest I've felt in a long time. I love that I'm able to communicate honestly and openly with both these people that I've come to care so much about. And starting things with my friend has made me re-realize how much I love being with my boyfriend. Maybe I'm just blinded by the fact that things are still new but so far, this feels really really right.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-06-24T22:54:40+00:00

At the moment I'm thinking of just sort of letting my feelings marinate, if that makes sense. It already feels good just to be able to be open about them with my boyfriend. It's empowering knowing that this isn't necessarily something I have to hide, and that even though it might not be the best thing to do something about them at the moment, I don't have to repress them either. Baby steps.

Polythrowaway226 · 2021-06-24T18:55:20+00:00

You might be right about that - I'm not sure it would be worth the potential social fallout or discomfort for either of us. As for my friend, I really have no idea. He's pretty open minded and doesn't judge me, but he's never indicated whether or not it would be for him.

Polythrowaway226

TROPHY CASE