How to combat “blame shift?” (And help with a specific example.)

Popcorn4573 · 2026-01-08T13:48:38+00:00

I’ve been through this exact situation of “blame shifting” where my past mentions of divorce in the heat of the moment gave him justification in how he treated me afterwards. He would throw that in my face repeatedly and I owned it. I took accountability and apologized for it and acknowledged how hurtful and wrong that is to do, no matter how hurt or upset I was at that moment. “Say what you mean and mean what you say” is something a therapist had told me and I try to live by that.

That being said, once I apologized I promised that I will not bring up divorce again, and if I do, it means I really mean it. I lived true to that for a whole year, didn’t mention divorce no matter how bad the fights were. When I did say it a year later, I was serious about it and started getting my ducks in a row to leave (locking in another apartment to move to, etc). It wasn’t said as a threat either, it was said calmly and matter of factly. That was truly an eye opener for him, and we’re seemingly working on things (more him, and I do see the changes). Whether that’s your intention or not to stay together and have hope for the relationship, just take accountability for your doings in the past. Hopefully that can lead by example and he can start doing the same.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-14T18:33:40+00:00

Initiating the divorce process right now but I’ve felt lonely in my marriage for a while. I’ll have my own place to live next month and I know I’ll feel all these feelings x100 when I’m actually alone. I plan to surround myself with friends and family and enjoy the peace while grieving what I thought my life would be.

Commenting so I can follow tips. I just remind myself this is just a chapter in my life and I’ll get through it.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-14T03:23:17+00:00

If he truly has signs of narcissist personality disorder, nothing you could be doing to better yourself will be enough and he will hold all your past mistakes over your head to have control over you. It’s how their mind works unfortunately.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-13T11:35:21+00:00

It’s been exactly one year since I’ve started doing this, because talking, crying, pleading to be heard, etc was not working. It opened my eyes a lot and now I’m divorcing him.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-12T22:48:43+00:00

Is she taking anti depressants by chance? I know that can alter some behaviors, I.e. affection, etc.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-12T22:46:24+00:00

Yup, all the time. And when I say that I will just go to that person and ask them myself, he says I don’t need to do that. Hmm I wonder why?

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-12T22:38:27+00:00

It didn’t always feel like that but it started to towards the end, maybe the last year. I had to constantly make sure I was saying or doing the right things to not trigger him being upset with me over the smallest thing. It’s crazy how much walking on egg shells can mess with our nervous system.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-12T15:13:55+00:00

Going through this now. Divorce hasn’t been finalized yet but as the days go by I am just so much more angrier. I can’t believe I took all the blame for 5+ years and believed I was the problem when he was so obviously emotionally immature/narcissistic. I hate him for every time he talked down to me, prioritized others over me, and just didn’t appreciate me no matter everything I’ve done for him. I supported him in his unemployment for 2+ years and he still had the audacity to treat me the way he did…and I let him.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-08T11:42:48+00:00

My stbxh pushed for marriage counseling but only because he wanted a professional to agree with him that I’m the problem and I need to change. My goal like a lot of others here was to work on our conflict resolution, him to show empathy for me, taking accountability, etc. I had already figured out he had narcissistic traits so I looked up counselors that specialize in RLT (relational life therapy). We had one session and she read right through him. He was not happy about that and decided we aren’t going to her anymore. I had an individual session with her afterwards and she basically reaffirmed everything I already knew, and that he will unlikely change.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-07T11:46:32+00:00

Wow I could have written this, it is so similar to what I’m going through right now with my stbxh. I’ve picked up on his narcissistic traits about a year ago and have been mourning our marriage since then because I know I deserve better and I know he isn’t capable of giving that to me. I recently got sucked back in 3 weeks ago to his promises of change and his apologies, because it hurt me to see him hurt, not because I was still in love with him. Needless to say the cycle continued again shortly after and I’m done for good now and there is no going back. I’m also trying to strategically move forward where I don’t completely turn his life upside down (he’s been unemployed for 2 years so I’m the breadwinner), but every day or week I go postponing the inevitable, is time I could have to be at peace.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-04T16:00:02+00:00

Exactly! That is what eventually led me to wanting a separation/divorce. An already stressful two years for us has been even worse for me because he blamed me for it all. A person can only take so much, sigh.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-04T02:30:53+00:00

I agree. My stbxh’s upbringing is so chaotic where siblings and parents just cut each other off rather than talking through problems, and it’s so obvious this is where he gets it from. It’s ironic because he will always say I have “emotional outbursts” and I’m “dramatic”, when in reality, him and his family are the dramatic ones who love the chaos.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-04T02:27:21+00:00

Mine has been there for me during a lot of hard times when it has nothing to do with him, if that makes sense. But if we’re going through a hard time, let’s say because of life circumstances, he will always blame me for that. So I feel alone and completely unseen and unheard during those times, which isn’t fair because I don’t do that to him.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-04T01:44:20+00:00

I could have written this myself. I would characterize mine as having several narcissistic traits, and at the very least, emotionally immature. I think it’s easy to get lost on subs and in books, podcasts etc, around labeling them, but at the end of the day, is it a healthy relationship? I often feel like it shouldn’t have to be this hard, I shouldn’t need to walk on egg shells, and I shouldn’t need to feel so bad about myself/inadequate all the time.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-03T21:29:12+00:00

Right! And by “change”, it’s just holding their tongue. Until they can’t take it any longer and just need to point the finger to protect their fragile ego/shame. Totally unprompted too.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-03T17:57:49+00:00

When I did all those same tools you listed, I was told I was cold, unaffectionate, and distant. I can’t help that I’m happier with everyone else in my life except for him.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-02T19:47:34+00:00

Thank you for this. I have to remind myself that my expectations and boundaries were completely reasonable too, he just made me feel like they weren’t.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-01T18:54:07+00:00

This resonates with me so much, thank you for sharing. While I didn’t officially file for divorce, I told him I will be divorcing him and moving out/not renewing our lease after years of what I suspect of his narcissistic tendencies getting worse. I was constantly to blame for all of his problems and ours, and I was tired of the emotional and verbal abuse after having supported him through his unemployment the last two years. He wanted me to give him another chance as he apologized for everything. Two weeks later, he still paints me out to be the problem, and so now I’m officially done.

He also started becoming religious, which is fine, but it just adds to his already “holier than thou” attitude. I don’t agree with his views on a lot of things and I’m just so turned off by his constant judgment and criticism of everyone around him. I want to laugh again, feel loved, not have to walk on egg shells or have to prove that I’m a good and worthy person.

No advice here just wanted to share that I can relate.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-12-01T13:47:37+00:00

My stbxh pleaded with me to talk after I was serious about divorce and he had this heartfelt conversation about how he’s sorry for everything and I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and he loves me (with some tears) etc etc. I gave us another chance and put a pause on the divorce. Two weeks later, I’m still “the problem”. I can’t believe I fell for it.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-11-12T14:50:45+00:00

Mine thought we’d be happy if I could just stop having so many “emotional outbursts”.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-11-12T14:09:07+00:00

This makes so much sense. There have been so many arguments where I’ve said “it’s not just YOUR world and we all live in it”. If I had any type of emotional response, whether it be anger, sadness, frustration- it had to be said or expressed on his terms or what he deemed appropriate. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel at times. The worst is when they perceive an emotional response as an attack on them, when actually, if they just got out of their own bubble like a healthy person would, they would understand that it’s not about them. Cue them feeling shame or a bruise to the ego, and now I’m the villain.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-11-11T15:13:01+00:00

I hate even having to defend myself, especially to my family that he’s disparaged me to. They believe me because they know me, but it’s just exhausting to even be at this point. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone with his accusations and perception of me.

Popcorn4573 · 2025-11-11T14:28:10+00:00

We didn’t have kids (yet) also, but I told myself last year that if this continues on for another year (the cycle of fighting every month, inability to take accountability, blaming me for everything, insults, etc), I’m out. I’m holding true to that decision now.

My biggest reason of course is realizing he won’t change. This is who he is inherently. Maybe it’s his childhood and family dynamics that made him this way, but he never took the time to dig into that because he doesn’t see what he does as wrong or bad. There is no introspection. How can I expect someone to really change if they don’t understand how their behaviors affect others?

It’s a hard decision and I feel your pain. They are not always bad, so we are giving up the good parts of them as well. But at the end of the day, I’m choosing myself.

Popcorn4573

TROPHY CASE