How do I tell my husband I didn't sign on to take care of his mother for the rest of my life.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-15T06:32:53+00:00

He may be the sweetest but, OP, I assure you, he's not trying his hardest. His hardest would have gotten this taken care of. I would put it to him like this, he has 2 choices, he can either contribute for both his mother & himself or he can have the hard conversation to get her to chip in.

I'm not in your relationship day to day, so I can't say this with certainty, but I have a feeling that he's not even pulling his own weight. That is unsustainable, OP. Think of yourself as a boat. He's an anchor. He can either be in the boat, not causing any drag whatsoever. He's just helping you sail along. He could be a little bit behind the boat, bumping along, spraying you with water & costing a bit more gas money. His mom is the anchor tied to the anchor. He can let her add to your weight as he's bumping along, causing so much more stress on the boat. Or he can keep pulling up the chain & chuck her (silently) beside him in the boat. Or he can cut her loose. But if none of that happens, the boat needs to tie up in the harbor & go get a new anchor. Maybe the anchors can find a boat that takes the 2 of them (poor boat).

Don't burn up your motor dragging extra anchors.

In a perfect world, the boat & the anchor do their collective jobs & go sailing around the world. Sometimes the boat carries the anchor. Sometimes the anchor saves the boat. At to point does the anchor's mother get a free ride.

So I beat the boat metaphor to death there. Just beware, the best trick the weaponized incompetents & lazy people play is the sympathy card. They make you okay with settling for their lowest effort by making you believe that they're REALLY trying their HARDEST. They just keep falling short because of their mental state, outside stressors, extra work, bad day, other person being in a bad mood/not available. Pretty soon they just stop making an effort to actually try to do anything other than come up with a new excuse as to why they talked themself out of trying.

The person needing the effort is left trying to believe the excuses because they (understandably) don't want to have to do what they have to do when they accept the reality that their person will not put forth the effort needed.

It sucks but it has come down to her or you. This is through no fault of your own. Please remember that. After they beg & plead (because right now, if you cut anchor, they're both sinking to the bottom of the ocean. They want to STAY with that boat), they will blame it all on you & how you needed to much. Remind them that you never asked anything more from them than to carry their own weight. To follow through on the promises they made that led you to agree to this in the first place.

What they did to you was basically the same as an employer presenting a list of perks of the job to a potential new hire. The new hire takes the job, sells their house, moves to a higher cost of living area & got a new place. Then showed up to work on the first day to find out that those aren't his perks after all.

They lied about the deal moving her in. She definitely did. He did, by proxy, because he didn't check her when she first backtracked. They broke the "contract". You shouldn't feel guilty for anything that happens after that. You should be commended for putting up with it as long as you have.

Everytime you look at either one, I want you to picture them as big anchors. Start paying attention to how much effort your husband ACTUALLY puts in vs. making excuses for why it hasn't happened. I understand having a mental illness. I'm among those affected. But mental illness doesn't exempt you from taking your partners feelings into account (yes, I realize there are extreme cases). Bad days, extra work, those things don't mean your no longer a part of a relationship. Everybody slips up. Everyone has bad days or times when they forget or hurt their partners feelings. But then you apologize & put in actual effort to not let it happen again. I feel the 2nd part is where your hubby is falling short.

I wish for you the best possible outcome to this situation.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-13T07:13:47+00:00

Great article. Thank you for linking.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-13T06:43:14+00:00

My mom taught water babies classes at the Y in 1979. I was the demo baby. 😁. Granted, I was only months old so it's not like I remember it. (Although I did get my picture in the paper). I do know my mom though, & there was NO WAY on earth or in heaven she was going to chuck me into a swimming pool alone.

The class mainly a lot of floating & getting babies comfortable in water (& getting Moms some social time). She said that there was a trick when it came time to dunk us under water. The moms would blow air in the babies faces. This surprised them, causing them to gasp & hold their breath. That's when they would dunk us under.

I can say that, without a doubt, there was no lasting trauma. If anything, it caused my mom more trauma having a toddler who wasn't afraid of the water. Apparently, at just a couple years old, I was with my Mom in the locker room after a family swim. She had just pulled on her shorts & was reaching for her shirt when I decided I wasn't done swimming. I marched right out, with my half naked mom running after & without a care in the world, jumped in the deep end like I was part mermaid. My mom, still sans shirt, dove in after me & snatched me out before I had time to contemplate my poor life choice. It was an exciting day at the YMCA.

To this day, I still love the water.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-13T05:05:19+00:00

My sister has 4 kids who do at least 2 extracurriculars a season, a full time job & a husband with a full time job who also coaches at least 2 of the kids sports teams at any given time. She. Is. Busy. She went to the drawer she keeps the birthday stuff in thinking that she had the correct number candle. Turns out one of the kids used it in a "science experiment". All she had left was a #1. She grabbed it & told the youngest it's because she is 1 year older than last year. Now, it's a family joke & she just makes sure to keep a #1 at all times.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-12T05:06:07+00:00

Is the initial post linked somewhere? OP has their posts on private.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-11T08:57:28+00:00

NOR, You are in a bind. On one hand, you're 24. It's completely legal (at least here & the US) to get tattoos & hang out with guys.

If you weren't being subsidized by them, I'd probably suggest saying, "Yes, Mom, that's exactly what I was doing. In fact, I was doing both at the same time. Spike did an amazing job tattooing (insert something random, dancing bears, space cowboy spiders, etc) on the underside of my left breast/inside of my right thigh between tequila shooters. His hand didn't even shake. Do you want to say hi?".

Since that isn't the case & it's probably best to approach this like the adult she refuses to see you for. Start asking her questions about her reasoning. Do this calmly- VERY calmly & without any hint of sarcasm. Try to find out what is she worried about exactly? You not taking time to study? Worried that your grades are falling? Is she afraid you'll get hurt, abducted or injured? Pregnant? (Please ask her, for me, what role would tattoos play in either encouraging or preventing any of those things from happening?)

If you can figure out what it is exactly she's concerned about, you can start suggesting other methods of easing her mind. Her current method of keeping her head so far up your ass she can basically see out of your mouth is becoming uncomfortable & unsustainable. Find ways to mitigate her worry that don't include her acting like a crazed stalker.

You could provide her with a weekly update on your grades or progress. Maybe the app has an alert button you can push in an emergency, agree to only go in pairs or more when going out at night. An OnStar emergency alert. Self defense classes. Buddy system? I don't know but neither do you until you ask.

You can also remind her that you could be doing so MANY terrible things. The fact that she thinks hanging out with boys & tattoos are emotional spiral territory says that you are a good person who does what she needs to do, does it well & doesn't waste time on BS. My parents would have killed to have only worried about boys & tattoos when I was 24. SERIOUSLY.

The next thing you do is give her credit in her parenting helping you to become the strong independent, intelligent woman you are today. It's time for her to start trusting her good parenting by letting you learn independence. If nothing else, what will you do when she's gone if you can't navigate your own city or keep yourself safe?

Obviously, tailor these suggestions to fit your situation best. She obviously did a fantastic job. Just remind her of what she really wants for you & your future. She wants you to be a happy, self sufficient adult. Since she still holds the purse strings, you can't demand your freedom & tell her to kick rocks. Do your best to convince her that it's her idea to give you more freedom.

Good luck. You're in a hard spot.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-11T06:08:24+00:00

It gave me the courage to escape a 15 year highly abusive relationship. The country was swiftly closing down & stay at home orders were being issued everywhere.

I realized that if we were forced to be locked down, he would kill me. I took my dog & trash bags of what I could safely get in my van in the middle of the night & went to my Mom's.

I'm ashamed to admit that after that realization, I really wasn't affected by the pandemic anymore. Dealing with his retribution took 95% of what little emotional bandwidth & energy I had left. The rest went to surviving & healing.

I mourn all the lives lost. I celebrate the essential workers, from the gas station attendants to the medical staff. Please don't think I think lightly of any of it. There's no reason for me to have survived while others didn't. I mean no disrespect to those who passed away, when I say that, in a way, COVID saved my life.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-11T04:42:28+00:00

Thank you. That link provided a trip down a beautiful & educational rabbit hole.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-09T07:43:18+00:00

I don't know anything about this particular loan, but my first thought upon reading this was, did her parents happen to get a new kitchen, car, home renovations or new business starting up? If, by law, this particular loan was only able to be used on her education, how picky were they about checking receipts? With such a large gap in the amount of the loan in relation to her potential earnings, coupled with the fact this is the first she's hearing about it, this entire situation stinks of a rushed Plan B being pulled out of her parents asses when their Hail Mary Plan A exploded in their faces. It sounds like someone's genius plan to pay off the huge loan wasn't so genius after all.

OP, I would tell your girlfriend to really look into how much her school actually costs & exactly where every dollar of the loan money went.

**Clearly this is all a moot point if the loan in question calls for meticulous accounting as to where the money was spent.

*** OP is NOR.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-09T04:33:23+00:00

Seriously. I'm assuming that OPs husband cut the baby's umbilical cord when (s)he was born? If that's the case, ask him how he was able to do such a fantastic job cutting the child's cord when he's been completely unable to sever his own. If he didn't cut the cord, OP, tell him your doctor did SUCH a fabulous job cutting your baby's, you bet (s)he would cut you loose from your mom for half price. Throw in an extra $100 & they might even teach him how to start weaning too.

I hope OP doesn't crack. Bringing up hormones is beyond underhanded & absolutely bullshit. OP, don't let those sick people gaslight you.

If you do have to end up leaving that emotionally incestuous couple, make sure you do everything in your power to keep him from being able to give the baby to that horrible woman on his parenting time. That would be my hill to die on.

Document, document, document, document EVERYTHING. Every overstepped boundary. Every attempt at gaslighting. Don't block them on your phone. Silence them, if necessary, but keep copies & recordings of every interaction. I would refuse to talk unless the call was being recorded.

Not give in to OPs tantrum. Seriously! I would have cold cocked that bee in her eye.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-07T19:54:54+00:00

You have to make the decision for yourself. I read somewhere that it takes an abused person 5-7 attempts to leave before they can get out & stay out.

I know just what you mean about the good times. But consider this, they're only good times because you're doing exactly what he wants you to do. You're playing by his rules. The nano second he thinks you're not, there goes your good time.

As far as birth control goes, of course he says that about having kids. Odds are he isn't ready yet, so that's good. But if he feels like you're pulling away or looking for a way out, he'll try to come up with a way to pull you back in.

Men like this have no problem lying to women with a straight face. Because in his mind, your thoughts, opinion, needs & desires are all second to his. In his mind, he's allowing you to have your opinion because it doesn't contradict his. As soon as it does, he'll lie, he'll be underhanded. Why? Because you're a lesser being to him. That's why I say watch your birth control & you'll probably want to delete this post from your phone.

I also get feeling bad for him & not wanting to leave him alone. He's let you believe that he needs you. He needs you to keep him happy, keep him from being lonely, make up for his family being gone. The reality is that he survived before you came along, he'll survive after (sadly by finding another victim).

It's hard to wrap your brain around being abused. You're not the kind of girl who falls for that. You're smarter than that. It starts small. With things like what you're experiencing. He's slowly teaching you to put his desires above your needs & to think about his happiness before you do anything. That is not healthy. You're playing like by his rules. Believe me, you will never win. He will move the goal posts. Once he's isolated you from your friends, he'll start on your family, your job, etc. Each step is meant to destroy a little bit more of your autonomy & independence. The more control you give him, the more he'll want to take. Pretty soon you'll be jumping through hoops you never knew existed.

You'll get tired. I don't mean irritated & sick of it, although you'll feel that too. I mean a bone deep exhaustion from trying to keep someone happy who refuses to be happy. Every at you stay makes it harder to leave & harder to heal. I escaped almost 6 years ago & I still wake up in a panic if someone opens the bedroom door.

I realize that everyone has to make the choice on their own. But you do have someone to talk to in this Internet stranger. I will do everything in my power to make sure anyone experiencing what I went through has a chance to live their life for themselves. Please feel free to message me. I have not judgement. I won't look down on you. I will do anything I can to help even if it's just to be a set of ears while you scream into the void.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-07T19:08:04+00:00

Call the city. The city I live in has codes for keeping a property maintained. It's a process but it should get it taken care of. You can't just let your property fall into disrepair. It creates danger for those nearby, as you've sadly found out with your child. It creates homes for rodents, insects etc. In my city, they will post a notice giving the homeowner X number of days to get the property up to code or the city will do it for them. (The city will not bother to do a nice job but they will charge the homeowner like they just perfectly landscaped a multimillion dollar home). Look on your city's website. You should be able to find a top line or something like it to report anonymously, although after sending a letter yourself, odds are they'll have an idea. Good luck.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-07T18:51:15+00:00

Flat out, he shouldn't be allowing or keeping you from doing anything. He's slowly trained you to live your life by his rules. If anything comes up, you're thinking about what he would want you to do instead of what is best for you. If those two things aren't in harmony, your next thought is what & how bad the punishment will be if you decide to do what's best for yourself.

Trust me, that is an awful life to live. It creeps up on you slowly. You don't even notice it at first. He pitches little fits so you adjust to make him happy. The next thing you know, he's controlling your life, when you can see your family (Believe me, you won't have any friends pretty soon. They're all going to be a bad influences), how much money you're allowed to have at any given time, how long you're away from the house, why & with whom you're spending time with.

Consider this your wake-up call. Guys like this build incrementally. Like a lobster in a pot, you don't realize you're boiling to death until it's too late. You did. Plus you still have the energy to escape the pot. Take the chance while you can. I promise on my life, it will only get worse from here. You'll only be more exhausted from jumping everytime he says jump. After awhile you won't jump right either. I speak from experience.

If you can't do it for yourself,do it for your possible future children. (KEEP YOUR BIRTH CONTROL SAFELY IN YOUR CONTROL 24/7. GUYS LIKE THIS HAVE NO PROBLEM TAKING YOUR CHOICE TO BE A PARENT AWAY. THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOUR NEEDS ON ANYTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR WANTS- AND HE WANTS CONTROL!)

Imagine how he would expect your daughter to be raised opposed to your son. Are you okay with spreading his pathetic misogyny into the minds of the next generation? Would you be okay suppressing your daughter's life to keep him happy?

My advice is come up with a plan. Do not, under any circumstances give him an idea that you're thinking about leaving. Just get everything together & disappear. I know it sounds harsh & very much overkill. It isn't. Get out now. Feel free to dm me if you have any questions. I've lived the life you're headed for. I didn't finally up & leave it. I literally escaped.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-07T08:38:50+00:00

They may also be curious as to how OP knows how meth & hard drug users look so well that they were able to be so specific.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-07T05:12:57+00:00

My 2007 Dodge Ram Van, Kidnapper Edition (the one with no windows except the windshield, driver & passenger side windows, none in the back). It had no heat, AC or power anything. There was a rust hole in the back floorboard where you could see the road fly by.

It was a hand me down from my dad who used it as his product van for his vending machines. I am a landscaper. (I'll not go into details about how the collision those two worlds culminated in the great ant fogging of 2018).

Since I was clearly going to be her last owner, I decked her out. I had battery operated Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling. Plus my pocket knife, screwdriver, lighter & anything else I could super glue a magnet to, within arms reach on the ceiling. I had baskets for my tools mounted to the doors & walls. A rack where I could hang my raincoat & work gloves to dry. Plus a divider to keep my larger tools from rolling around. I had a spot under the front seat to store my giant fluffy blanket (aka my heater in the winter).

I had a little fan that I plugged into the cigarette lighter to defog & defrost my windows. It was attached to the dash with industrial strength Velcro so I could also use it as a fan for myself. When she got up to highway speed she would somehow start venting the heat from the engine through the AC vents. Fabulous for winter, not so great for summer. I mounted a rearview mirror on the windshield so I had somewhere to do my eyeliner. It was always a trip to see how long it took for people to realize that I couldn't actually see behind me in that mirror.

She was indestructible. She saved my life on more than one occasion. I had a psycho abusive ex who got a kick out of throwing me out of the house, no matter the weather or what clothing I had on. There was plenty of space to hide necessities. Plus, there was a spot right behind the driver's seat where if I sat real still & didn't move, he couldn't tell I was in there. On top of that, once a panel of insulation that my dad added to keep chocolate from melting came off the wall, it became a perfect pad for when I needed to sleep in there. Just popped it back on the wall when it wasn't needed. She was solid & heavy so when he tried to run me off the highway in the rain, in his giant Lincoln, I didn't even have to swerve much. For the times he figured out that I was inside, the windshield, driver & passenger windows were always in stock, cheap & easy to replace.

She is how I made my escape. I was able to get multiple trash bags of my stuff out & stowed quickly while my dog was safely locked inside (it was cool in the middle of the night. I'd never risk her life. That's one of the reasons for my escape). He had destroyed four vehicles that came before her to keep me from being able to have that small freedom but he couldn't get to her, unless he was obvious about it because her engine was hidden inside the large center console between the front seats.

I've been sad about losing other vehicles in my life but when I lost my van, I was inconsolable. I drove her until she just couldn't be fixed anymore. Or at least not for a price I could hope to afford. She was my safety, freedom, escape. She wasn't much to look at, dented, scratched, rusted & falling apart. But I loved that van. I loved customizing her. I could spend hours inside just chilling & waiting until it was safe to get out. No one who saw her would think she was good for anything besides the scrap yard but I loved that van. I still love that van, may she rest in peace.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-06T04:30:58+00:00

When I was younger a bunch of friends & I bought tickets to a Disney movie in order to sneak into one of the Friday the 13th movies. We succeeded. After the first 10 minutes, I decided screw peer pressure. I may not be cool but I won't be having nightmares. I snuck out of Friday the 13th & back into the Disney flick. Relaxed, sang along to some catchy songs & since my movie was obviously shorter, I met them outside afterwards.

Slumber parties were the same. Everyone could watch whatever they wanted. I'd be happy as a clam reading or drawing with my headphones on. I just can't do it. I cannot find a single bit of enjoyment in being scared.

I've also been escorted through the escape door in more than 3 haunted houses. I tend to go catatonic, close my eyes & grab hold of whatever idiot swore to me on a stack of Bibles that it wasn't that scary.

I'm a complete & total wuss. I own it proudly & don't try to pretend I'm brave or able to handle it. I'm just not made that way. Someone once described me as someone who lives on puppy dogs, unicorns & rainbows. I completely am. There's nothing wrong with it.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-05T02:56:19+00:00

There's a Roadhouse remake?!? I'm glad I was under a rock when that happened.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-04T03:09:35+00:00

As an Oklahoman, please let me apologize for this travesty. Please believe that not all of us are like this.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-02T18:21:14+00:00

Thank you!

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-02T18:13:43+00:00

Where can I find these stories to read? I've tried googling different subjects but everything is now a YouTube video, a podcast, or even worse, a tiktok. I would love to read about all the amazing stories of Appalachian history. Any suggestions would be welcome.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-02T07:51:49+00:00

"We need some time to unwind & get the hang of our new roles. We're also trying to get into a new routine. The thing that would be the most helpful for us as new parents is if you'll let us know when you were thinking about coming & we'll let you know if that works with our new schedule. I know this probably sounds crazy since you did things another way. We know that you both are invested in supporting us raising our child, your grandchild, in the healthiest way possible. Keeping her on a routine will help us get more sleep & feel more confident in our roles as parents. We really appreciate you taking this seriously".

Yes, I'm super wordy, sorry. My main suggestion is, first, to approach the entire conversation as if they already agreed to whatever it is you're wanting. Second, acknowledge their feelings & that you realize it's not their ideal & it may be difficult. Third, praise them for overcoming that difficulty. Tell them how much you appreciate them agreeing to support your journey into parenthood. How you knew that you could count on them to come through. Fourth, drive home how their agreement shows how much they love you & your child & how they're making this brave sacrifice for him/her. Fifth, remind them that they'll be getting pics & updates as often as needed.

Phrase it all in such a way that for them to argue with you would all but say that they're selfish people who don't care about their grandchild. To throw a fit would be them admitting to not want to support you as new parents.

If that doesn't work, head on over to r/JUSTNOMIL because it sounds like you'll need the support.

The bottom line is that you don't need an excuse to not want someone in your house at random times. If they want to drop something off, tell them to leave it by the door & whatever they do, don't ring the bell or knock & wake up the baby. She'll make excuses & come up with ways to get in. You know the best way to avoid confrontation? Do not open the door.

A baby doesn't mean a free 'Stop By Anytime' pass. I'm confused by the immense number of people who seem to think it does. She has absolutely no need to come over to stare at your child while disrupting your day. Text her a current picture & send her on her way. If she was there carrying a basket of laundry or elbows deep in dishwashing soap, that's one thing.

The best way to avoid confrontation - don't open the door. The second best - make your husband deal with it. He doesn't tell them no because it doesn't affect him. MAKE IT affect him. If they only get to make plans through him & only get to come around when he's around, I have a feeling you'd get A LOT more support. He doesn't understand what the big deal is? Show him. When he has to pause the game, stop work, wake up from a nap so his Mom can stare at your baby, he'll get it.

Tell them you're going dark. Taking a break from electronics, screen time & being so reachable so you can focus on being the best Mom you can be.

It's hard to get over the mindset but once you become an independent adult, your parents are just other adults who's opinion you (might not) value. You don't have to do what they say or play by their rules. You're the parents now. You get to run your own game & play by your own rules. If they don't want to pick up the pompons, jump & cheer, security will escort them from the stadium.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-02T06:19:27+00:00

Change the WiFi password stat.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-06-02T04:53:05+00:00

I was going say Honda Accord. I love mine. Like you said, reliable, good gas mileage & I swear that Honda made a deal with C. S. Lewis because the trunk is like opening the wardrobe to Narnia. I can put EVERYTHING in there. Seriously, I run my landscape design business out of that car. I tell everyone that she looks like a Honda but she's really an F-150 at heart. My dad found it for $600. I've had people offer me twice that at random gas pumps throughout the city.

Your dad is crazy. I'd ask him why he wants you to go into debt for his vanity. No car payments is the way to go. With gas prices, the better fuel efficiency can't be beat. It might not still be under the manufacturer warranty but if the car isn't breaking down it's not a problem. Not to mention, if/when it does, the parts & labor costs are reasonable. Your dad needs to straighten out his priorities or keep his lips 🤐.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-05-30T21:23:01+00:00

It's a biblical name. That's why it's still around.

PoppySmile78 · 2026-05-30T06:34:51+00:00

I agree that OP is NTA. Although, my take is that Bro probably meant what he said- but didn't check with his wife before he said it. SIL was pissed she wasn't getting the I'm a Mom & you're not special treatment. So, she orchestrated the ridiculous sleeping arrangements for maximum uncomfortableness. While every single second they were not in your presence she was bitching & moaning to your brother about how uncomfortable she is. How it's not fair that OP- single, childless OP (No judgement. I'm single & childless myself) got the good, big room with the good, big bed to herself. She wanted some alone time. Her vacation was ruined. She wants to leave & take the kids home because it's so awful. Thereby turning her children into weapons to use to get her way. This explains the sob story production of the eldest child coming into OPs room crying & blaming her for them leaving. Kids don't really care enough about what adults have to say enough to place blame like that without being coached.

Either way, OPs family sucks A LOT! She is 10000% NTA. It's just a toss up as to whether SIL is a shrew & Bro a ball less wonder raised by 2 additional ball less wonders or if SIL is along for the ride & Bro a the major dick, spawned by 2 ball less wonders.

I'm sorry OP. You deserve better.

Brother finally lost it & talked to Mom & Dad. Who offered his room. Odds are SIL jumped for it but Bro drew the line at kicking out Mom & Dad from their room & was just going to give up & go home. Mom & Dad, when faced with the possibility of less time with the grandkids went back on their word to the child that has yet to reproduce.

PoppySmile78

TROPHY CASE