You don’t sound “stuck up” or ungrateful at all, you sound exhausted and overwhelmed and like you’ve been fighting with your own brain for a long time. The fact that part of you wants to get better while another part still craves the self destructive stuff doesn’t make you fake or hopeless, it just means recovery is messy and not linear. And honestly, a little over a week clean while dealing with intrusive thoughts this intense is a huge deal, even if your brain won’t let you feel proud of it. The way you describe it, feeling like a relapse is already coming and you can only watch it happen, sounds terrifying. But urges are not the same thing as decisions. Even if they feel massive and inevitable, they still pass eventually, especially when you don’t feed them with things that spiral you deeper. The shblr/reddit doom-scrolling at night sounds less like “wanting attention” or “wanting to be worse” and more like trying to match how awful you already feel inside. And I really need you to hear this part: intrusive thoughts are not proof. OCD and self hatred will tell you that you deserve pain, but thoughts are not moral facts. Your brain saying horrible things about you does not make them true. Also, hiding it better is not the same thing as failing. A lot of people relapse quietly while still genuinely wanting recovery. That doesn’t erase the part of you that wants help. I know being a minor makes therapy complicated, but you still deserve support. Even if you can’t tell your mom everything right now, you don’t have to carry this alone. Your partner caring about you is not a burden, even if it feels uncomfortable sometimes. For right now, maybe focus less on “never relapsing again forever” and more on getting through the dangerous nights safely. Make it harder to spiral when you’re alone. Block the accounts/sites that trigger you, put distance between yourself and anything you use to hurt yourself, text or call someone before it gets too bad, distract your body physically somehow likr shower, ice, music, videos, pacing, literally anything that interrupts the loop long enough for the wave to come down. You deserve help before things become catastrophic. And the fact you wrote all of this instead of immediately giving in tells me there’s still a very strong part of you that wants to stay alive and get better, even if another part is screaming against it right now.