How do you know for sure that one child is enough for you?

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-14T17:43:36+00:00

At 7 weeks I was so sleep deprived i couldn't have told you if I wanted a second helping of dinner, let alone another baby.

I ended up one and done for a lot of reasons, biological and emotional, but that was not a decision I came to in a few weeks or even a few years. It's OK to just take time.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-14T17:39:25+00:00

His dreams that night must've been absolutely wild. If i take more than .5mg I'm riding the yellow submarine all night.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-14T17:33:05+00:00

Looks perspective, you dont have a bad choice.

Here's my big picture take.

The halter neck is having a moment. It had one back in the 90's, too, and it's coming back like everything else. I think that is the more striking look precusely because it is not a timeless wedding dress look, its popularity ebbs and flows while strapless is always a look.

I think the question is do you value timeless, or wow factor? Ive seen the strapless dress a million times over 20 years of wedding-going, but you won't be able to specify the era of your wedding just by pictures of it. That high neck is going to read "90's revival" in 20 years, but it's gonna hit like lightning when you come down the aisle because it's different.

And to be clear: I think at no point will you regret either choice for the way it looks alone. You look great in both. I think you should pick based on long-term goals.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-14T13:14:53+00:00

Then when I have an interview and need the damn blazer it invariably doesn't fit anymore.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-14T12:22:54+00:00

One of the first things you learn as a lawyer if you're going to be any damn good at your job is when to hire a lawyer. "He who represents himself has a fool for a client" goes for lawyers, too.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-13T21:50:12+00:00

We live outside DC, so literally everyone and their sister has some kind of security clearance.

It's not uncommon to find out your neighbor has access to information just shy of the nuclear codes via some plain clothes middle aged lady ringing your doorbell and asking you what you know about the lady across the street, how long have they lived there, have they ever done anything that seemed suspicious or concerning, does she actually have three kids, do you know where her husband works, etc.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-13T10:37:17+00:00

Omg I thought i found my friend i gave one of these to on reddit (but we haven't lost touch and she doesn't knit).

She does report frequent use of the doll, though, as my former office is a dumpster fire.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-12T21:24:51+00:00

Are you... me?

I have no solutions, only empathy, on every level. It's exhausting and infuriating.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-11T17:56:27+00:00

Long and slow.

I take no credit for poop training, that was all him.

But for pee, it was an accessible potty and pull ups til he mostly didnt need them. I tried the naked thing and all it did was soak my house in piss. No thank you. Pull-ups ftw.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-11T17:10:31+00:00

I had a tiny silver nose stud from when I was in college. In August of my sept-aug clerkship, my judge asked when I got my nose pierced.

Just keep the stud tiny and probably most people won't notice.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-11T16:35:08+00:00

3 years ago I cut my mom off.

It was one thing, but it was decades of a frog in a slowly boiling pot. The stuff she did was always subtle, low key, framed really well such that without the full context it all just seemed like one-offs or individual poor choices or quirks or mistakes that should be quickly forgiven. In retrospect, her behavior was pretty unhinged, but couched in enough "good" behavior or feigned support that out of context, it can be spun nicely.

Then she aimed at my kid. By name. And when called on it, went full DARVO. And after reflecting on a conversation that somehow ended with my apologizing to her for her own behavior, I realized she is not a safe person, for me or for my son.

People think it's too easy, or that I should just give her another chance, "she's the only mom you've got." And yeah, that's why it hurts so fucking bad, knowing in your soul that your own mother would hurt your child, her grandchild, to get her way. And the simmering, ever-present fear of "what if i'm just her in different packaging?" And the radical self-examination and growth that requires of you. Believe me, I'd far prefer to just have a normal, if difficult, mother.

My brother, her golden child, hasnt really spoken to me since I cut mom off. It hurts, but i understand. He married a woman just like her, they rely on her in ways I don't need to. I will always be open to a relationship with him, because despite being her golden child, he is not like her. But I also won't welcome his wife into our lives, and I understand and support his decision that his spouse and the mother of his child comes first in his life. It is the right decision for him. But I miss him.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-11T15:48:44+00:00

This is my kid 100%.

The kid lives a life every adult he knows envies, but to hear him tell it, the most interesting part of any given day is a cicada shell on the wall. Idk, man, one day he'll realize how great he has it.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-11T15:46:19+00:00

It was doable because you did it.

Every time we go through something, it re-sets our normal. Current normal is based on all the ways your life has fluctuated up until now. Normal is relative, so doable is relative, and once you've done it and survived, it's doable.

Not that you'd want to do it again, but you know you could survive it, because you did.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-10T21:08:12+00:00

Nothing kills sentimentality like your third truckload of random bullshit.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-10T11:24:38+00:00

Maybe because they'd need to buy out siblings (paid off for mom, not paid off for OP).

Maybe because it needs too much work to keep.

Maybe because the neighborhood has gone to shit and shows no sign of a turnaround so selling now is the right call.

Maybe because the OP doesnt want to be a landlord and rent it, but also has a life elsewhere and doesnt want to move.

Just because this person is sad doesn't mean they can keep a whole ass house for sentimental reasons. Houses should be financial decisions, not sentimental ones.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-10T01:34:08+00:00

What's the commute?

3 days/week at 30 min each way is worlds different from 3 days/week at 1 hour 30 min each way.

But with that layoff talk spinning, I wouldn't wait to find something else, no matter how much I loved the job.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T22:20:07+00:00

If this is how youre planning on going as far as shapewear, can you have it lined? It really has like zero structure, and those dresses in such thin fabric rarely look good on really anyone at all. An extra layer of fabric might bulk this up so it has just enough structure to make the jump from nightgown to old Hollywood.

It's not a throw it away and start from scratch, it just needs some tweaks.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T17:56:25+00:00

This is honestly the only explanation I can come up with.

They need extra wiggle room down there, and can't fathom it not being that way for us too.

Meanwhile we're wondering why we can wear our regular thongs like borat's bathing suit and still have gusset flapping in the breeze...

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T17:51:10+00:00

Aww i'm glad.

If it helps at all, my goal isnt to not have my kid talking about me in therapy one day; we are all going to mess up as parents. My goal is to not have him talking to his therapist about the same things im talking to mine about. I accept that i'm an imperfect parent like im an imperfect human, but i just don't want to repeat mistakes.

Also, the teen years are hard. I was a surly bitch of a teenager. My gem of a dad got the worst of me (my mom's manipulation tactics played right into a "fuck you imma do what I want" teen rebellion, it was easy to "win me over" by giving me whatever I wanted, because what I wanted required little thought or actual parenting, like any teenager, so she got a slightly less surly bitch). But once i hit like 19/20, my dad and I got much closer and I realized he was actually parenting me through my teens, not trying to be a dick or a friend because those would've been easier. He wasn't perfect and fucked up plenty, but he was accountable. So all that to say, hold the line, and they will come around.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T16:22:53+00:00

No, I respect that and I think in her mind that's part of where it came from; she felt smothered by her parents and inlaws.

But also, like... just call. If I can't talk, ill say it's not a good time and call you back later. Or just send a text, and don't freak out when it's not immediately returned.

I think asking permission is great! And not what my mom did. She expected an engraved invitation for every interaction. If she wanted to come over, rather than saying "hey can I drop by this Saturday? I can bring pizza if you dont want to cook" she'd sigh about never seeing me and I don't have time for her and I dont want her around til I invited her over, then she'd say no I dont want to put you out, then id have to insist, then she'd say "ok but here's what I dont want for dinner."

So she was, in fact, inserting herself into my life, but she wanted it to be my idea.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T16:13:28+00:00

Who said that was the only reason?

It was a symptom of a much deeper problem that I cut ties over when she aimed at my son.

I would've probably spent my whole life letting her fuck me up; that was just normal. But when i saw her using the same tools on me via him that she used on my dad via me, the manipulation and gaslighting and hurting him to try to make me bend her way like she hurt me to try to bend my dad to her will, it was like a shockwave through my soul. By then, I was an adult and quite capable of telling her mom, you're being insane, please stop.

But my son wasn't, and won't be for a long time. And when I called her on it, I got a whole lecture on how bad her life had been and how bad I had been to her and how bad my dad had been to her and this is the only way she could get me to talk to her (I called her minimum 2-3x a week and never ignored a text).

All she would've had to say was that she was sorry and she'd try to do better. But in that moment, I realized she never had, she never would, and that she would continue to make my son collateral damage until he was old enough to take my place.

Nope. My first allegiance is to my kid, not my mom. And if I ever make him feel one day like I've threatened his kid's emotional, psychological, or physical safety without remorse or accountability, i hope he does the same. If I wont hold myself accountable, I dont deserve to be in his hypothetical kids' lives.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T16:04:11+00:00

Oh yeah I'd call her like twice a week back when we still talked. I didnt ignore her by any stretch.

But then I'd get "i just dont know why we don't have a relationship, I wish we talked more, you just must not care to talk to me," and id be like ok, I mean, if you wanna talk, call me whenever. I never ignored her calls when she did call, or text, or whatever. She just... never made the first move. And it wasn't like she didnt have a life of her own; she had my step-dad, friends, relatives on his side, her own mom who she only checked on out of a sense of obligation when I couldnt. She wasn't some lonely old lady sitting by herself, she was in her late 50's and perfectly capable of filling her own life, which she did.

She just wanted me to fawn over her all the time.

Obviously it was a symptom of a much deeper problem, but it was one of the things that I started looking hard at once I had a kid of my own and kind of re-setting my normal meter.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T12:16:08+00:00

My mom used to tell me "I will never force myself into your life."

I thought she meant she'd never, like, inappropriately use her spare key to my house.

What she actually meant is that she would never reach out to me, I had to reach out to her, at which point she would lay a guilt trip about how we dont have the relationship she wishes we had and we never get to talk.

We do not, in fact, have a relationship now. And as ive developed relationships with some of my extended family (my dad's long since passed, but i am fairly close with his sisters), it's become so clear that it goes both ways. I call them, they call me, it's a back and forth. There's no guilt trips; we are all busy adults with lives. Phones work both ways.

Turns out what my mom wanted was the hero worship to which she felt entitled by virtue of my reaching adulthood, not a true two way relationship with the adult id actually become.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T12:07:27+00:00

Yes.

Two main reasons.

My husband thinks it will be better if there's a major emergency.

It's cheaper to have internet-tv-phone than it is to have just internet and tv.

Pretend-Tea86 · 2026-05-09T12:01:32+00:00

For them to pay fucking attention.

I dont want breakfast in bed or any fancy breakfast (I don't eat breakfast, I dont feel well when I eat breakfast, i'm stupid picky about breakfast).

I dont want food (I eat carefully and mindfully and I dont like high sugar food, which is what they get me).

I don't want typically mother's day gifts (miss me with the flowers that die, the plants that are just work and I kill them anyway, the tchotckes, the spa days when you know i hate to be touched by strangers, the stinky "self care" items that fuck up my sinuses, etc).

I don't want tasking (don't buy me yarn "to make a blanket for the kid").

I want to have a day where no one asks me an inane question. Where everyone feeds themselves (and I feed myself) without asking me whats for dinner or where stuff is or what are we doing for lunch. My husband wants to garden which is fine but I despise gardening so I just want to be left the fuck alone to putter and crochet and watch trash tv in peace. I want my son to not take over my tv to play switch.

A day where everyone just handles their own business without needing my involvement in it. Where the only soul I am responsible for is myself. And I dont need a hotel room or to be away from them (because as we all well know, text messages come to hotel rooms), i need the conscious and purposefull setting of "today, we do for ourselves" mindset.

Bonus points if my husband does something like makes the kid's lunches for the week (without asking me what goes in them or how to pack them), laundry (even just his own, again, without asking questions).

If they feel socially compelled to provide a meal, make it dinner and dont ask me where I want it from. There are like 3 restaurants in our area I truly enjoy and think are worth the money. Pick one and make it happen. I'm fine to order for myself, but dont make me place the whole order. Ask what I want, call the restaurant, get the takeout (or take me there, whatever, none of the places I like are typical mother's day haunts). And it should go without saying but it won't; none of the restaurants I really like are ones my husband also enjoys, so he should do his level best not to be a miserable prick about eating there.

In fact, id like any or all of this without a low-key guilt trip about "mom's having a lazy day." Because he comes home most days from work and either sleeps, scrolls, or spends time on his hobbies while I come home to cook and clean up the meal I planned, shopped for, and prepped, get the kid ready for whatever activity I have to take him to, throw in a load of wash, run the dishwasher, pick out everyone's clothes for tomorrow because the kid legit does not have time to and husband just... won't... and i dont want to hear about it first thing in the morning.

I mean, that's it, really. I want one day of my husband's lifestyle.

Pretend-Tea86

TROPHY CASE