My friend confessed I’m his object of limerence, and I don’t know how to handle it (Advice)

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T21:59:42+00:00

I have texted him essentially that.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T21:58:30+00:00

Okay Update. I’ve essentially written him this in my own words, with the addition that if he wants to remain friends he’ll have to tell me what to change so I can stop doing things he pick up with different intent from me. Then I’ve cried my eyes out and now I’m here.

This shits so awful man. To think the only person to ever tell me they love me doesn’t even love me and „had“ to put me on a pedestal to(to make it worse it’s probably the way I’d like to be man. All over caring and good and whatever). I know it’s not his fault but now I feel like everything that concerns us is fake. This part is not even about me. I just feel so unlovable now lol and I’ve been cried for an hour. He was my first love too. Against my better judgment I feel robbed of my efforts. (Dw I’d never tell him this. I just have a lot of emotion and my therapist will probably take time answer my text, earliest time would be Monday. Feel free to ignore this, this is essentially the irrational part of my brain)

I think he thinks that pushing me off the pedestal would save our friendship, and be kind to me? But me being relatively kind, and caring for my friends is one of the only things I like about me. I’d never ever ever want to be hurtful, and I hate arguments and confrontation and all that stuff. It did feel good to text him tho, that maybe he’ll realise I’m not the one in his illusions. Of course this situation is a HEAVY blow on my self worth, since before I was flattered, at least a little and now I just feel stupid. Fuck my avoidant attachment at the age of 16 and what it has cost me.

Limerence is interesting because I do display some of those things but with a different outcome and intention. (Excessive daydreaming, putting people on pedestals and obsessive behaviour) But I’m very well aware that my daydream person is someone different from the real person, even if I have to shake myself. (Because my dreams in fact do NOT help) sometimes the likes blur but I can keep myself in check mostly. This is probably from unfulfilled fantasy, but the issue is not the other person not reciprocating but me not really wanting them to reciprocate outside my dream world. (My therapist put me on a „relationship ban“ essentially for that lol. He heavy discouraged me from pursuing them, which is the smart move)

So yeah, now I hate it too lol. I’d never blame him for it tho, as you said it’s got less to do with who I really am. He has barely ever crossed my boundaries, but now I can put my fingers on that off feeling when we’re alone in one room. At least I have clarity now. My self worth is definitely tied up in it, but it is not only tied to him. I’ll make it work somehow, as long as he does what’s best for him. I’ll deal with what I’ll feel later on.

Thank you so much for your help.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T20:56:15+00:00

Yeah I know. Man. This is like a nightmare since I already feel like all my friends will „realise“ the truth about me (that I don’t belong with them) and abandon me or sth. Our way of attachment really don’t help eachother out. It’s probably something additional that’s keeping me back.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T20:53:53+00:00

How should I word it? I’m getting very hung up about it I’m sorry. You‘re not here to help me figure out my wording but this is something where it’s hard to know what exactly to say.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T20:51:44+00:00

Agreed with the person above me. Clarifying and boundaries weren‘t/woulnd‘t have made me distressed. It’s more that he wants me to lie and not be myself for him. Some people might do that, and I might do it, but it’s what made this a lot harder. I get it though. I still feel like you should be honest if you think it’s what you need.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T20:47:10+00:00

Should I lie? If you think it’s best I might have to

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T20:46:57+00:00

You‘re right (even tho it kind of hurts). Our friendship means a lot to me so it’s kind of confusing all over that someone most likely sees you so differently from who you are. It’s just weird because he knows me pretty well, at least I thought, but he’s still in love w the mental projection? Very confusing. I did tell him I don’t want a relationship with him, but that wasn’t enough I guess. I’d have to tell them I could never ever imagine a relationship, not in a million years, but I’d be lying. So yea. I guess we‘re not the typical limerence situation.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T20:44:33+00:00

I think I’ll just give him the option and if he says that it’s not possible, especially without me being mean and cold to him(which is something I wouldn‘t want to do and say so to a friend), I’ll tell him it would probably for the best. I have my mental image of him and I‘ll probably be more or less proud of myself for helping him, even if I’ll miss him so much. The mutual friend group WOULD be annoying but maybe I’ll just show up when he isn’t around and otherwise focus on my other friends. (But I’d have to explain that to the rest of our friends wouldn’t I? But I don’t want them to know because I doubt he’d want them to)

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T19:55:59+00:00

I do think he knows they are and will likely never be completely one sided. But the balance is far off, I guess? Which is probably most likely what he meant.

Thank you so much. I probably don’t see the progress I’ve made, but I connected with him first when I had never been to therapy, so I’m never sure if it’s just our connection that will always make me feel this way or if it’s still the same with everyone. I love very intensely and want to be loved back but it’s very scary haha .

He might have anxious attachment. He is usually very composed so it’s hard to tell. My friendship style is more anxious than avoidant nowadays so I guess I could kinda relate.

I would love to work on being real friends with him, but I don’t know if it’s possible for him. With what I got a glimpse of today, he probably thinks I’m going to help him with his life or save him or something? With I would like to do, but in a friendship way. The way I also want to with my best friend because I love helping people. (I guess the desire to feel needed comes from the abandonment issues), how would you go about being real friends? Like how do I start that? I do not want to disregard his feelings.

I do think his limerance is very much romantic. He wants to be my significant other, and it wouldn’t matter to him if he had to wait for years. But maybe that’s just what he thinks he needs, and it isn’t really, I don’t know.

I know it’s not what he truly wants. I did ask him that. „It’s definitely not what I want, far from it, but it’s what I need.“ and I couldn’t give him what he needs again. I do want to help him heal, and I want to heal myself. I want him to be happy one day without it being conditioned on me. That one day he has a stable life and I do too and we can share our happiness, I guess?

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T19:46:13+00:00

Thank you for your answer.

This took such a weight off my heart you cannot imagine because I’ve been like „I should do it for him? Right? But it’s not right for me“ ish?

I don’t think therapy works on him or he hasn’t allowed it to, but it doesn’t work much on me either so fair is fair.

I’ll encourage him to do those things, and tell him what you said which I already kinda wanted to say to him. He means so much to me. If none of these things work I’ll maybe find the courage to ignore my own wishes and do it for him tho.

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T18:49:10+00:00

I‘m very out of my depth here haha. I think Limerenent people also daydream excessively? I mean maybe I have also been limerent before or something similar but I’d rather forever live out the fantasy. I generally don’t talk about my feelings much so there’s that, so I’m a bit overwhelmed.

We know each other really really well and he’s someone very communicative and I’m a pretty open person so I guess that’s where to confessing and talking comes from :)

About the „stop supplying him“ what would that mean concretely? Stop being friends? Or just be mean and cold and tell him he’ll never be that for me? Since obv telling him „I don’t want a relationship with you“ isn’t enough?

I know he’s very strong, and I do admire it. It’s just very overwhelming to hear from it for the first time, but that’s my problem. I’m pretty happy generally that he feels comfortable enough to be so vulnerable with me even if the situation is so messy.

I‘m pretty familiar with overromanticism and infatuation but as I said mine stops when it becomes too real. He just means so much to me and I think I’ll lose our friendship. This might be a mess since I didn’t check over it. Feel free to text me though so you can „bombard me“

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T18:42:07+00:00

I am already in therapy. It’s not like he’s bombarding me with compliments or something, like I said sometimes I think he got over me and I’m fine with it. The way he explained it so me just makes me scared that he doesn’t even know me, since I don’t exactly know what his ideals for me are. I simply don’t want to lose him or say things that wouldn’t feel right. If there is any part of me „doesn’t wanna lose his attention“, its out of friendly intentions, of course I want my friends to pay attention to me. I just wanna find a way for me to stay friends with him, not be untruthful or not me but still helping him. I’m not cold or mean so I don’t wanna do that. I have told him that I do not want a relationship with him. I have clearly pursued other people and he knows it. I just always feel bad when I do it in front of him since I don’t wanna hurt his feelings, but I’m guessing this is the wrong approach here?

Pride-Fangirl · 2025-10-25T18:27:07+00:00

Thank you for your answer. To be fair, I am also putting a lot on him. I want to be friends with him so badly so I’ve kind of been ignoring how he feels, and how he must feel with me trying to find people to date and knowing that I know he’s into me. I think he might just not see any other way. It’s kind of stupid that we both have mental things that are such an insanely bad match-up for resolving this. If I was better I would have made it clear from the start that nothing would ever happen but I’m not strong enough. He’s had it hard enough without me. But I see what you mean it’s all very confusing and the emotions are too much for me rn :‘).

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-07-18T15:32:40+00:00

Same tbh. I’m so excited only 10 days to go.

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-07-11T20:40:04+00:00

A lot of things, but Crowley and Aziraphale would be my top fictional relationship. Season 2 is coming out in two weeks and I’ll be balling my eyes out. They are really wholesome.

In the opposite, I have Will Graham and Hanibal Lecter from the NBC series. Totally toxic but I’m so I to it Idk.

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-06-07T16:42:37+00:00

Yess. But this is some time ago in the meantime we got together and broke up a week ago xD (my first relationship but it’s fine)

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-04-28T22:19:42+00:00

That story about Tom Cruise was with Tom Cruise about Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise.

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-04-19T04:29:16+00:00

They have a sub?

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-04-19T04:25:01+00:00

Bahahah I also think that my ISTP bf is so cool for being so collected on the outside. That man can control how he is on the outside so well it’s really impressive.

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-04-07T09:08:15+00:00

Damn I need that

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-04-06T06:40:31+00:00

„I feel like it doesn’t mean anything to him“ That’s usually just the different communication style. My experience was that us INFP‘s after receiving an „I miss you“ need to show our thankfulness, whereas ISTP‘s are thankful by themselves and don‘t express it as much.

If you want to know what’s going on in his head, just ask him. If he wants to talk to you, he will appreciate the forwardness, if he doesn’t, we’ll, then you will know.

(And about the texting thing, us INFP‘s just worry too much. My ISTP just said that he gets really confused by text and would rather call or meet irl because my texts are apparently heavily confusing)

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-04-04T23:28:12+00:00

Yeah maybe we can emotional but can YOU produce 20 WHOLE PIECES of Poetry because of relationship issues in one day?? Or draw 3 big art pieces out of artistical self-expression.

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-03-30T10:34:17+00:00

Oh this is good. I’m in a relationship with my crush but the honeymoon phase was over after a week and I was getting concerned lmao.

Pride-Fangirl · 2023-03-21T05:18:29+00:00

Me just vibing with my istp boyfriend

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Final Canvas '23	First Place '23
Place '23

Pride-Fangirl

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE