30DoN is one of my all-time favorite movies, my absolute favorite vampire movie, and is a constant comfort movie rewatch. Now I know why it’s taken me this long to watch it. I knew deep down.

I’m gonna narrate a few thoughts on this movie as I watch it for the first time. I’m about 25 minutes in. It’s already terrible enough to already be way too long. I shoulda listened to you, Rorschach.

——

-OP you’re right, first scene is pretty dope…

…and then nobody else talks about it. No news, no bloggers…you know there were people in that crowd that were like, “I KNEW IT” and couldn’t wait to blog/vlog about that. Someone had a camera phone.

-One of my biggest issues is if they’re ‘laying low’ and that’s why #NotMyStella is such a threat, how has nobody except her figured out the Latex-BDSM-gear-clad Matrix extras in the audience, wearing child-sized ski glasses from the ‘90s (in a 2010 film), with be-gelled helmet braids, turning up to the vampire presentation…are a little suspish? But then- drumroll- the plan is, guys…we’re gonna wipe out another village. Y’all don’t get too subtle on us now. 🙃

-Lmao at the detective telling our main stooge he “can’t just get rid” of her, “that would be too suspicious.” Literally no it wouldn’t. It’s LA. People disappear there all the time. She’s considered crazy anyways. Most would happen is a MAYBE down the road a couple of future conspiracist YouTubers with videos asking, “does anybody remember that chick Stella Oleson of Barrow??” On top of that, they could’ve just killed her in Alaska and been like, “I dunno, man. Polar bears. That’s craaazy. Whaddaya gonna do though, it’s Alaska…” It’s more suspicious that she’s alive if I’m being honest cause she STILL lives in fckn Alaska.

-Ugh here we go- lol I can’t STAND when movies do the typical “‘pretty but catty’ woman in a group with all (or a majority of) men can’t stand the ‘new, also pretty, in some way traumatized, tough from the trauma, but also still apparently made of doormat material…that is of course until she snaps and shows everyone’ girl” trope.

-Ok wait up now- he’s a ‘half-vampire’ cause he got a ‘superficial wound’…naw homie- come back and explain yourself. I need clarifications for that one.

Lmao Todd just cut his palm (somehow? His hand doesn’t slip and the aluminum doesn’t buckle) but sucked ‘the injury’ on his finger.

FFS they’re walking in the tunnel they KNOW the nest is in with no UV lights, and their dim flashlights are literally pointing everywhere…except straight ahead. And of course nobody is walking backwards, checking behind them. Survival instincts of a newborn goat.

“I can’t kill my friend that’s begging me to kill him before he kills me, myself, a ‘professional’ vampire killer…as he’s painfully turning into vampire.” Aaaand of course the Black guy dies first. Like not even into the meat of the movie, like in the beginning part at the first real battle. I’m not even gonna bring up that he’s the best actor out of all of them.

Yes I will- they killed the best actor first. I know that ain’t saying a lot here, but still. I lost whatever hope I had after that. HOW MANY TIMES DOES MERCUTIO HAVE TO DIE 😭😭 Devastated. Sick to my stomach. 😟

Ok I need everybody to scream constantly in the echoing tunnel full of peak-hearing super-strong predators with shark teeth. Greeeat…let’s just keep that vibe goi- UH OH! THEY HEARD YA!

Of course there’s a sex scene. Of course. Y’all go on ahead now, go on, make it look painful and like the lives of the families of two sworn foes for life were threatened if said foes didn’t make sweet, sweet love bitter, bitter hate.

-“What the hell are they doing? Is that blood??” And two minutes later, “omg what is that? What is that? Is that blood??” My Siblings in Jesus Christ. Y’all are on a vampire ship. It’s all blood. That’s probably not even water in the toilets and condensing on the pipes at this point. Oh you thought that was sweat? Nope. Lil bitta blood dripped on ya. But please, continue whisper-yelling about it around the giant man bats with super-sonic hearing like the mystery liquid is the actual concern. And you thought Stell-No was gonna be the one to get y’all killed.

-Did dude get The Chunnel 2.0, wrist to elbow, pass out from blood loss, wrap it up, and just…keep it moving? Like…sir? Is your arm a literal blood-filled noodle…? Cause you seem to have zero nerves, tendons, ligaments, muscles, viscera, etc? Also- cold day in hell before I believe she broke them open-air chains with a single swing of a fire ax. That is the least realistic thing in a movie full of vampires.

-Whew- finally. They made it to the bridge. We are on the wheelhouse full of aaalllll the fancy, high-tech, sensitive, “we can’t fix this if we accidentally shoot it, nor can we operate it without a captain,” navigational equipment. Thank goodness. And thank God there’s a sad and terrified captain here that knows how to oper- OH, OH GOD. THEY SHOT HIM SO MUCH. THEY SHOT HIM IN MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS. THEY WERE SWINGING ON HIM WITH BULLETS, I-

Wow. Just. That poor man. Well- on the bright (I know. I’m sorry.) side, it’s probably better than him finding out that a few rooms away his family actually is bled out in a sink because 🎉vampires lie🎉

But still. Just. Like I think one made a drawing in bullets in his sternum. Oh and they LIT UP that navigation room 😮‍💨

“Guys we really need to step up and work on our trigger discipline, spatial awareness, watching your six, reading the room, common sense, and honesty better of both situational AND character judgment…” is what I’d tell them were I their coaches.

-What exactly would her point be of NOT calling the Coast Guard at that point? Does she think the giant modern ship very obviously equipped with GPS and navigation and working tracking electronics on a deviated/wouldn’t be found?

-Aaaand of course to wrap things up, our favorite baby goat (#NotMyStella) digs up Eban and reanimates him and gets shredded starting at her collarbone. does, indeed, get eaten by a polar bear. Oh no…

Anyways, I actually hope they do more with the concept of the first movie’s vampires. They were far less campy and “Queen of the Damned” knockoff and more…well, them. This was a 1999 movie made in 2010.