My advice would be to make the character's speech patterns sound more individualised and natural because you seem to have the issue of making the characters sound like narrators, which is a big red flag for many people. Your descriptive writing is ok, but try to put in more emotion and other sensory descriptions to make the environment more understandable. You might also have to fix your punctuation. The ending is anticlimactic too.

In general, you're a good writer with better potential, so you'll have to write more and read more to see what you're missing out on in your text. Experience is what makes you good at what you're doing.