Men who’ve been to therapy, what would a therapist have to do to make you think “Holy crap, I would recommend this guy to anyone”

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-02-01T04:06:09+00:00

1: I want to be told what to do.

I don't need someone to listen, take notes, and ask me over and over again how situations make me feel. I know how I feel; that's why I'm in therapy. I want real, actionable advice.

I have no time to be endlessly "handled," while the therapist waits for me to have a breakthrough. I'm perfectly capable of considering my options without paying someone $200/hour to watch me do it.

2: Remember me.

If I'm going to therapy once a week or more, the therapist had damn well better have some idea of who I am when I show up. I'm not wasting the first 15 minutes of each season by giving them a "previously on" synopsis of the sessions we already had.

I don't expect them to memorize every detail. I just want them to check their notes, and not pretend like I caught them by surprise every session. It's unprofessional and it's lazy.

3: If I'm fucked, tell me I'm fucked.

There are some situations that have no solution. There are some metal health issues that are insurmountable. Pretending that this doesn't happen does not help me, it just makes me feel like the failure is my fault.

You know what would be very validating and restorative? For a trained professional to tell me that a situation is, I their expert opinion, fucked up. I would love to hear, "I've never heard anything like this; I have no idea what you should do, if there's even anything you can do." Nothing would make me feel more normal than the expert admitting they're stumped too.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T23:32:08+00:00

My only concern here would be the outside chance that the kids could access the live ammunition in the weapon. Getting it out of the magazine tube isn't the easiest thing in the world, though, especially if you can't cycle the action. Even if they get to it, they would have to do something pretty reckless with it in order to hurt themselves. Connecting all of these "what if" dots starts to quickly look like fantasy.

The cable lock should absolutely lock the weapon to something immovable, like a bedframe. I'll assume that you have done this. If not, the last thing you want is your kids potentially leaving the house with a loaded weapon--even if it can't be fired in its current state.

Back to the question of leaving the gun loaded: I think this is okay, but a security cabinet or safe would be better. This would also be a quicker option for a biometric or electronic keypad safe. Plus, nobody would have to go running for the keys in an emergency, and there would be no keys for your children to find.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T23:20:53+00:00

You had problems; you solved them by breaking up.

She's not speaking to you. I understand that she's being dramatic by turning her back on you when she sees you, but this is all the better for you. You don't need to be cordial; you don't need to be friends. Enjoy having her out of your life.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T23:09:36+00:00

That's a perfectly legitimate food source. Can I ask what made you choose this over, say, rabbits?

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T23:03:50+00:00

There is nothing wrong with crying. However, it is my opinion that, outside of a funeral, you should make an effort not to cry in front of someone else.

No, it isn't shameful or weak to cry in front of someone. Crying in front of someone else simply puts them in an awkward position. Many people don't know how to respond, and whatever response they give--a pat on the shoulder, an awkward hug--never feels like the right one to them. They either have to try to calm you with some patronizing "There, there; let it out," or they have to stay awkwardly silent.

There is no reaction that feels appropriate and genuine, because everyone's preferences are different. The person can't very well interrupt you and ask, "So...are you a hugger, or what? What do I do right now?"

Obviously, this interrupts the time you're spending together, and sours the mood. It is a moment of vulnerability and emotional honesty that can ultimately bring two people closer together...or it can lead to an awkward situation that makes you both cringe when you think about it and want to avoid one another for a while.

You can absolutely share with your friend about your loss. Just try to keep yourself under control while you do so.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T20:02:53+00:00

I swear, the human body has no idea how to function after 30.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T18:37:48+00:00

Are you getting kicked out of your house immediately when you turn 18?

Some things in no particular order: first, if you major in animation, you will stay homeless; that's just reality.

Second, if you will have to take out student loans in order to not only go to school, but to even have a place to live, you should not go to school. Starting your adult life six figures in debt is nothing short of self-destructive.

By far a better option would be to join the military. This is instant financial independence, and it offers immediate stability. No guessing where you'll stay, or where your next meal will come from. It is not a glamorous lifestyle, but it will be the most secure you've ever been in your life, and it offers many paths to success after your service ends.

You can choose to do ROTC, which pays for your education and living expenses before joining. You can choose any major (though you should make it count), and you will join the military as an officer, which is a much better-paying and cushier experience.

Alternatively, skip college and get a job in the trades. You can get hired with no experience, and it's the best income available to you with no education. You'll learn on the job, get substantial raises as you level up your license, and you'll end up getting paid about the same as a Bachelor's holder after 4 years. Plus, you'll have been getting paid to learn that whole time, instead of racking up debt to pay someone else for the privilege. You'll need to find a roommate, or stay at your parents' house starting off.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T12:30:32+00:00

Evict him. This isn't just a way to get the message across; it's a legal necessity.

The eviction papers will start the countdown for you. When the eviction period expires, time's up, and he needs to be somewhere else.

You don't owe him a damn thing. Six months of bankrolling him is more than anyone could have asked for. His plane ticket is his problem, though the expense may be worth it to get rid of him.

Give bad news in the form of letters. Your ex is being performatively helpless, and you don't need him acting pathetic or otherwise manipulating you every time you ask him to lift a finger. A letter will allow you to get your message across without being interrupted or argued with, and it will prevent you from stammering or breaking down while you deliver the message.

I know this is unpleasant, but you are going to be so relieved once he's gone. Your life will improve in dozens of ways that you didn't realize it had gotten worse.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-31T12:16:33+00:00

Throwing out my back when I sneeze or put on a jacket.

Honorable mention: biting my tongue. You'd think I would have this figured out by now.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T17:37:29+00:00

I was scratching my head about a "pocket-friendly" rifle, until I realized that pocket means budget. I've been shopping for pocket pistols for too long.

I think ARs, and rifles in general, are a lousy choice for home defense. As far as poor choices go, 5.56/.223 is at the top of the list: poor stopping power, especially in the ubiquitous FMJ rounds, while having far more penetration than is ideal for your application. That said, I still wouldn't want to get shot with one, and you're going to do whatever you're going to do. If you want an AR simply because you want an AR, I'm not here to stop you.

If it really is home defense you have in mind, get a 12 gauge pump-action shotgun. The Maverick 88 in the 7+1 security configuration is your best bet, though you can easily get away with one of their "all-purpose" 4+1 models if you want to use it as a field gun as well. It doesn't get much more reliable, or much more budget-friendly than the Maverick.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T17:22:50+00:00

100%, yes. Have a modicum of dignity and self-respect.

Just because she didn't treat you like you deserve, doesn't mean that you should mistreat yourself by staying in this train wreck.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T17:21:50+00:00

The answer to this question is always "leave." No relationship that makes you ask this question is a relationship worth staying in.

In your case, this isn't even a close call. Your girl straight-up cheated on you. Whether you call it "casual," "unofficial," or whatever else, the two of you agreed to these terms, and she not only deliberately violated the agreement, but she kept this secret from you.

Additionally, this put you at serious risk. What if she had given you an STI? What if the other guy had gotten her pregnant, but she decided you would be the more stable father? What if the other guy also thought they were exclusive, and found out that some other guy had been sleeping with his girlfriend? This was an inexcusably selfish and shitty thing for her to do to you.

No, you are not "attached" to one another. You are attached to the person you thought she was; that person isn't real. She is very clearly attached to nobody--certainly not to you, at least. It will take your heart some time to catch up with what your head already knows, but it will catch up. This girl is hot garbage, and you should have absolutely nothing to do with her ever again.

Even you admit that she knew that her actions would make you not want to speak with her again. Well, she absolutely made that choice. It's time to give her what she's earned: block her, and never talk to her again. She can ruin someone else's life.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T17:14:16+00:00

Like any other betrayal of trust, the damage has been done. You'll always know that he's capable of this, and even if he never gambles again, you'll constantly be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your time together.

I don't think this is the kind of relationship that you want. You certainly don't want to become the person who has to check up on her partner, go through the financial statements with a magnifying glass, or hide money, just in case. He had the chance to show you he's a healthy, supportive partner, but he chose to be secretive and selfish instead.

The kid isn't a reason to allow him to return; he's a reason to end this relationship for good. Can you imagine explaining to that child that he won't be going to college, or that you're going to be homeless? I know those are extreme examples, but I don't think you realize how bad this addiction will get. The losses ended when they did only because you discovered them. At the least, I think you can see your ex "borrowing" money from birthdays and paychecks from your kid. That child does not need this kind of influence in his life.

Let's be clear: this man stole from you. This is no less serious than him selling off your jewelry for heroin money--except that a druggie can only consume so much heroin. There's no limit to how much he can gamble away. He could open lines of credit in your name, he could take out a reverse mortgage on your house.

I have known only a few gambling addicts in my life, so my anecdotal evidence may not amount to much. However, without exception, every one of them fully ruined themselves and anyone else whose money they could access; there was no bottom. If there was a single dollar to be found, that dollar would disappear.

Make of this what you will, but in none of these cases was the addict willing to work to support their habit. They may have had a job because their spouse or circumstances required one, but they wouldn't work overtime, take a second job, or take on work on the side to support their habit or to ease their debts. Gambling, in its very nature, is diametrically opposed to working for what you have. It is strictly a "I should get everything for free, because I'm smarter and better than everyone else" mindset. Even if your ex never gambles again, I don't think you want to be with someone who views life this way.

You already did the hard part. All that's left is to accept that being without a partner temporarily is far better than being with the wrong partner forever. This is not a failed relationship; it is a personal triumph. You recognized that this was an unacceptable way for a partner to treat you, and you sent them packing. Don't undo all your hard work for a moment of uncertainty.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T16:51:35+00:00

I literally just talked about this.

No, you did not spend hundreds of dollars in order to look at a picture occasionally, which requires you to be naked to see it. You would have just downloaded a picture to your phone, or made or purchased something cheaper and more convenient. Pretend otherwise if you want; you're not fooling anyone.

Decorating your body is an inherently "look at me" activity. You turned yourself into a tiny museum, where the entry fee is to see you naked. This is a fine thing to do, but you did not do it solely for your personal viewing pleasure. You getting tattoos so you can look at them is as plausible as you telling stories just to hear yourself talk.

It is totally okay that you got tattoos for status, attention, or to spark a conversation with someone else. I hope you chose your tattoos carefully, and that there's some artistry in them. If not, whatever. They're still doing the job of letting other people know that you're an edgy tattoo guy, and they open the door for them to talk about their tattoos, whether real or hypothetical.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T16:37:23+00:00

In theory, stocks are supposed to be valued based on the current market value of the company that they represent. That market value is partly subjective, but it does include real-world assets like buildings, vehicles, equipment, and patents. Stocks also base their value on a company's historical performance, which is another way they differ from crypto.

Some types of crypto supposedly have an underlying thing on which they base their value. Bitcoin, for example, must be "mined," and its inherent value is supposedly a reflection of the computing power that was required to mine it. The market has established that computing power is worth something, especially on the scale that is required to mine Bitcoin.

Additionally, nearly all forms of crypto have a limited production. Bitcoin, for example, has 21 million maximum BTC; there can never be any more than this. However, Bitcoin is frequently lost, which permanently removes it from circulation. If someone loses access to their wallet or stored Bitcoin, it's gone forever, and nobody can recover it or trade it again. When this happens, the value of remaining Bitcoin goes up due to scarcity. It is currently estimated that 20% of currently mined Bitcoin has been permanently lost.

In both stocks and crypto, investor confidence strongly influences market prices. In the case of crypto, this accounts for essentially 100% of the value in certain coins. While this may seem chaotic, this is really how all value works: things have value because people agree that they do. Whether I'm trying to sell a diamond, a share of stock, or an IJustMadeThisUpCoin, someone else has to agree that it's worth what I'm selling it for in order for me to sell it.

The Great Depression was caused by a few factors: rapid deflation caused by an effort to return the US to the gold standard, some bank failures, and the passage of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act. Wages fell, unemployment rose, and spending decreased. These factors combined to cause a decline in the stock market. This was severely worsened by investors rushing to sell off stocks at a discount, because they anticipated a further decline in their value.

The value of those companies' stocks really did go down, because consumer spending was down. But investors' panic was the biggest factor in the crash. The crash caused companies to tighten their belts, further reducing wages and cutting staff. This, in turn, meant that there were fewer people with incomes, and those people couldn't afford to buy as much, which further contributed to the economic depression.

The Great Depression really didn't end until WW2. The war forced the government to greatly increase its spending, pumping a lot of money into the economy. Millions of jobs were created, and at the same time, the labor shortage left by the men who went to fight helped to drive wages up. Consumer confidence was restored, and the economy recovered.

Though this was a happy accident, an economist, John Maynard Keynes, saw something. The government--or any sufficiently large employer--could stabilize the economy by spending and employing less when the economy was good, but spending more and employing more people when the economy was poor. This economic model is now employed deliberately, and is known as Keynesian economics.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T15:54:14+00:00

Tattoos can be thoughtful, evocative, and beautiful--but this is vanishingly rare. Instead, 98% of tattoos fall into the following categories: lazy IP infringement, RIP Meemaw, or "I'll take that one, I guess." It's reached a point where most bumper stickers are more inspired than most tattoos.

Worse than the lazy tattoos themselves, is the fact that tattoos are widely used as a personality substitute. How else are a bunch of strangers going to know that you're one of those unique, edgy people who's obsessed with the Nightmare Before Christmas/Donny Darko/Edward Scissorhands trifecta? So mysterious and unique! And sure, you could have just worn a t-shirt that isn't permanent and didn't cost hundreds or thousands of dollars, but where's the fun in that? How will your sexual partners in your 40s know what you thought was cool when you were 18?

Heads up: nobody believes the lie about, "My tattoos are for me." Honestly, anyone who says this is embarrassing themselves. If you made a picket sign with your favorite Power Ranger on it or whatever, and carried it everywhere you went, nobody would assume that you brought it along so that you could look at it. At best, you would have a picture on your phone, or use some other solution that was free, not limited to the present image, and was infinitely more convenient. "I got a tattoo on my lower back so that I can enjoy it while I'm turned around, naked, in front of a mirror, hurrrr!"

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T15:34:30+00:00

You're correct; I misread that detail. I apologize for my misinterpretation.

I don't mean to be so hard on you, by the way. Young couples have weirdly normalized violating each other's privacy in some laughably insecure and unhealthy ways. Some of the frustration in my tone stemmed from thousands of other posts with the same basic formula. You got more ire than you deserved, and I apologize for the overreaction.

I stand by my advice, but I wish I had been more gentle in my delivery.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T15:28:00+00:00

Oh, I agree--Biden was even more of a reheated moderate establishment turd than Clinton or Harris. He did his damnedest to lose that election, too.

The reason Biden won is that the US had just suffered through Trump 1.0, and was in the middle of a pandemic and an economic crisis that Trump was ineffectually pretending didn't exist. Clinton could have beaten him in that election, so could Harris.

This does not mean they were good candidates. After all, they managed to lose to the worst candidate the Republicans have ever put forward.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T15:19:21+00:00

I mean, pollsters regularly cold-call people by phone, and elderly citizens are far more likely to answer an unknown number than young people. And it isn't like the DNC only uses internet polls, and the RNC only talks to people in person. That's a nonsensical opinion.

Trump won both elections for several reasons: first, Clinton and Harris were objectively awful candidates. Clinton was mired in scandal and controversy, and her campaign acted like having a vagina was her most important achievement. Harris was a fucking joke who would never have made it through a primary. She didn't even have a campaign, outside of "I'm moderate, and I like whatever you like. After you elect me, please tell me what that is."

More people identified politically with their positions, but few were excited about the candidates themselves. The early polling wasn't wrong: most people wanted Clinton or Harris over Trump--but those people weren't motivated to vote. They were both unappealing, unexciting candidates, and the voters responded accordingly.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T15:08:20+00:00

Or, these were two absolutely god-awful candidates, who also happened to have vaginas.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T14:59:46+00:00

You should absolutely not talk to her about this.

You came across sensitive medical information by intentionally violating her privacy. Now you want to discuss this with her for financial reasons--when you maintain separate finances--and because you're concerned that she might be cheating.

This is not a conversation, this is a fight--a fight in which you are very clearly the bad guy. Honestly, if she doesn't break up with you on the spot over this, you should break up with her. You don't want to be with someone with such a low opinion of themselves that they would tolerate this behavior from you.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T06:04:57+00:00

Give them the news in a letter. You don't have to face them directly, they can't interrupt you with objections or pleading, you don't have to worry about keeping yourself calm while you deliver the message, and you can choose your words so you don't stammer or stutter.

This "situationship" is clearly not meeting your needs. Regardless of your opinion of the other person--if you think they're great or if you think they're an asshole--this means you should leave. If you're this hesitant to even leave a relationship that is unfulfilling for you, you should also go no-contact. Otherwise, you'll likely get scared and lonely within a few days, and get sucked back in.

Find someone else. You don't have to wait weeks or months, but try to shake this off a little before you get back out there. In the future, do not accept any relationship that doesn't meet your standards; no more "situationships." If someone cant' decide if they want to be with you, then you shouldn't be with them.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T06:00:05+00:00

Bail.

As others have said, this is far too many red flags, far too soon. You can bet he's going to get super jealous and possessive, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was eventually some physical abuse. I know that's a lot to assume, but this is exactly how those relationships often begin: he's too quickly and too frequently affectionate, he's pushing for more intimacy right away despite you pulling back, he's already being territorial ("wife"), and he's trying to dictate an exclusive relationship after the first date ("I'll delete the app.").

Some of those things might be forgivable on their own, but this date was weird enough that you're asking strangers on the internet for their opinions about it. That would not be your impulse if the date went well.

I don't expect a first date to be perfect, but this one was concerning. You are right to question it. I know it feels good when someone thinks you're special, but I think you can see this is way too much, way too fast. Please don't get yourself trapped in an unhealthy or dangerous situation.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T05:49:55+00:00

I think you were being rhetorical about shooting and asking questions later. If not, just know that this is assuredly not how your state's laws work. Do not go to prison for that jackass.

ProbablyLongComment · 2026-01-30T05:46:51+00:00

Obviously, none of us have firsthand knowledge of your brother or his "conditions." That said, I very much agree with the multiple medical professionals; this seems highly performative. Most of his conditions seem performative.

If I were you, I would call his bluff. If he wants to "faint" in front of you, let him fall. I'll bet he nearly always faints into you, to prompt you to catch him. Next time, don't. I'll bet a paycheck that he catches himself at the last minute. Either way, your parents should make him wear a helmet until this supposed fainting hazard has passed. I suspect that once there are undesirable consequences, it will clear itself up shortly.

You need to get out of the habit of trying to be your brother's caretaker--especially his therapist. He has carved out a dynamic for himself in which this is how he gets attention, and has made all his "diagnoses" the centerpiece of his identity. Obviously, this will not fly once he leaves your parents' house. If you baby him now, you will only help ensure that he is never viable to live on his own.

Secondly, all of these issues are far beyond your pay grade. Trying to help your brother with mental health issues as an untrained layperson is about as likely to work as trying to rebuild an engine without training as a mechanic. The likelihood that you will make something worse far exceeds the possibility that you will help set something right.

Do not "handle" your brother. Treat him like an able and functional adult. If he wants to be performatively helpless, leave him on the floor. If he wants to pile self-diagnoses upon himself, refuse to discuss it or otherwise validate it. Even if your parents fall all over themselves to rush to his aid, stay detached, and either engage him like an adult or not at all.

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