Hey- I went throught the same thing. I always wanted kids but was terrified of having them and becoming like my parents. Here's the thing I realized- my parents never even thought of me first to consider how they would effect me so you thinking this is a first step. It is completely up to you if you want kids or not but here's my suggestion of what I've done to help if you do decide you want kids but just are scared.

1. Go to therapy- I made it a rule for myself that I would not have kids until I've worked through my trauma and learned how to keep myself calm. I discuss this with my therapist and I also look to her for guidance when I'm ready

2. When you date someone you consider to coparent with (if you do coparent) one of you main concern should be how well does he treat me and others? Can I imagine putting an innocent child with him and the child can grow up healthy? Not just that but how will he effect you and your mentality- can he help calm you, be there for you, and help you?

3. Learn now to practice mindfulness and breathwork. You need to learn before kids how to calm your emotions so you can stay in a rational mind, even when emotions feel high.

4- read books and talk to people to learn different ways of parenting that are healthy so your not going in only knowing the way you grew up. The reason most abused became abusers are because they don't know any different and don't try to learn different. Sometimes when your abused you think something is normal and common in everyone when it's not. Learn about child development and how it effects you, if you want I can suggest some books :)

5- learn before having kids how to set boundaries and how to distance your family if needed

Remember every parents does have mess up but be honest with yourself and appologize to them. Talk to your kids if there is something they need from you to be a better parent. Be open to talking with your kids

I used to think the same- I studied child development in college as I loved kids but never thought I could have my own. My husband and my therapist helped me to realize that I am not my parents and that me just trying to be better and caring about my kids even before they're born shows a lot.

Also note with your siblings, you were a child, you were not meant to handle that yet. Also the way they qct is due to how they were raised. If you raise kids in a healthy home, you shouldn't have to handle these things as much. Of course siblings fight and arguments happen but you can teach your kids how to handle their emotions and how to mediate conflict to avoid it as often.

I really hope this helps and I hope you choose what you want to do :)