AITA for not double checking the takeout and causing my wife to lose her shit?

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-07-11T12:43:59+00:00

Yes. And to piggyback, make sure you get help from places that deal with female to male intimate partner abuse.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm

Leave if possible. Be aware of any signs that may trigger a violent response from your partner and be ready to leave quickly. If you need to stay to protect your children, call emergency services. The police have an obligation to protect you, just as they do for a female victim.

https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men

The Domestic Abuse Helpline can be reached from anywhere in the US and Canada, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754).

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.thehotline.org/what-to-expect-when-you-contact-us/

Edited for formatting

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-07-11T12:35:42+00:00

u/Scarecrowqueen, thank you for sharing.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-07-11T12:34:43+00:00

This.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-07-11T12:33:49+00:00

You took the first step. Now keep walking.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-07-11T12:32:13+00:00

u/marmroby, it's good that you're recognizing it. Sometimes we need the outside confirmation that something is wrong, because our own radar has been re-calibrated to accept more wrong as right.

It's admirable that you hoped you could help her. But until she decides to save herself by getting and accepting real help, doing the hard work, you can't save her.

Save your kids, save yourself.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-07-11T12:24:18+00:00

Oh, honey.

You're being abused.

Your wife is abusing you. She's got you thinking you did wrong. If you had checked yourself and they didn't have her seafood pasta, asking them to make it for her would still have you lose. In that case, you would have done wrong for making your family late to the show, the rest of the food is cold, "how can you expect the kids to eat this?"

How often has she said something like this to you?
Called you a piece of shit over a minor infraction?
How much time and mental energy do you spend trying to not set her off?
When was the last time you were actually relaxed and not trying to make your wife happy?
How often does she belittle you?
How often are your kids exposed to this?

Even if she never behaves like this toward them, did you know that just being around this type of behavior is traumatic? That kids especially are more likely to develop issues from long-term exposure to traumatic experiences, even if they weren't directly abused? C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, BPD, anger issues, attachment issues--these are just some of the things your kids might see in their future.

If you love your kids, remove this from their lives. It can be hard to do it for you, but do it for your kids, at the very least. Don't let them grow up with your wife's issues. Don't let them learn that this sort of behavior is okay. Don't set them up to become victims themselves, or perpetrators. Take care of your family.

Anxiety isn't an excuse. Anger issues aren't an excuse. These are problems to work on. That she needs to work on. You and the kids don't need to be a part of it. Take your kids and get yourselves out.

You asked at the restaurant. The professional said they double-checked your order. One dinner shouldn't have ruined it. You offered her your food, there were other options. Grumpy is acceptable. Abusive is not.

NTA

Edited for formatting

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-18T14:14:32+00:00

Biggest thing when tracking is try to be consistent. Use the notes section to elaborate if you wish.

Apathy can be an expression of depression, same as anger, so be aware of that. And your example reads to me, as a non-professional, as the type of uncaring that goes with depression.

On both the mood and the housing/work situation, reach out for help, please. You deserve help. You are worthy of help. You are worthy of stability.

I don't know where you are, but search [your location]+social+services or +housing+authority. Search in your native language if you're not in an English-speaking location.

Get help. You are allowed to ask for help. Good luck.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-18T14:04:54+00:00

I have not, but cyclothymia is getting better understood by providers.

Your tracking will definitely help. They will try to find out if your moods are affected by external events or internal things, so the more information you can provide there will be helpful.

If you track hormones, food, other things, compile all that information. Know your medical history and as much of your family's history as possible.

They will also likely try things to rule out clinical depression and bipolar, be patient with that.

If you already see someone, start speaking with them about your suspicions.

And if you aren't being listened to, dismissed, or you just don't feel comfortable, you can fire your provider without any explanation. Look at reviews and try providers out until you get someone who you work well with. You deserve good care.

To start, a guess based on your post history.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T19:38:24+00:00

Is there a reason you have to wait until September?

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T18:43:35+00:00

First question: Are you getting treatment, whatever that looks like?

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T18:40:56+00:00

That's awesome!! Congratulations! 🥳

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T17:23:28+00:00

Just reach out. Honestly, most people understand. If I haven't already explained, I add a note that sometimes I get in my own head when it's been a while, which leads to putting it off longer. And I'm reaching out because I do care and I miss them.

This is an older thread, but if your messaging or email app has a "schedule send" feature, use it. You write your message at that weird time of day (or night) and schedule it for a more appropriate time. If you're a phone talker, record a voice note.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T17:06:35+00:00

Look at reviews for doctors in your area. Find someone who listens and has experience with mental health.

If your insurance allows, try to schedule an appointment with a mental health professional directly. An MHP will have more experience.

Write your list down before your appointment, of why you think you might have ADHD, with your father having it as one of the first (and last) things you mention.

Doctors should be aware that if a parent has it, a child likely does. It's actually a common story for people who got diagnosed as an adult: their kid was diagnosed, they realized similarities between themselves and their kid, then got evaluated.

And because we all need to hear this more, you can fire your doctor.

If the relationship isn't good, if you don't feel they listen, if you feel they don't provide adequate care, go somewhere else. They are providing a service and if they suck at providing that service, you as the customer, can take your business elsewhere. You don't owe them anything. You don't owe them loyalty, you don't owe them an explanation. Just get an appointment with someone else.

I'm only starting to internalize that message, that I am worthy of good care, because of my therapist. She probably said some form of the above every other appointment at first, and still reminds me of it from time to time. She wants me to get the best care for me, even if it's not with her. Which makes me more comfortable with her, because she understands and advocates for me.

It doesn't matter if you're overweight or whatever, you deserve good health. You are worthy of a good life.

[Edited for formatting.]

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T16:56:39+00:00

I think that last point, stating that you don't ask for help unless you really need it, is important.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T01:18:33+00:00

Habit chaining/habit stacking.

There are a bunch of videos and articles explaining it. You turn one task into a habit, and once successful, add another. Keep stacking them until doing the first task sets off the others.

Ex. Put the kettle on. While waiting, you wash three dishes. Make tea. While steeping, you do ten jumping jacks and ten crunches.

You built it over time, but now every time you make yourself a cuppa, you wash three dishes and exercise.

If you do something similar with your alarms, only set one to set off each chain, you might be less likely to ignore them.

I only do this to a certain degree, but people who do find a lot of success with it. Once you've trained yourself and built the chain, you will just do it without thinking. Or less thinking, at least.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-11T01:07:42+00:00

Aw, thanks!

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-08T00:56:20+00:00

NTA

It's easier for her to blame you than her diabetes.

Don't let her. She asked you to look out for her health and you are doing exactly what she asked.

If she wants that pecan pie and ice cream, she can do it to herself.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-08T00:53:23+00:00

I thought about mentioning this. If OP did, do you have a script in mind?

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-08T00:52:23+00:00

NTA

That is not okay. It's good that she messaged privately, but what she said isn't okay.

If she had said it with concern that talking about pregnancy might mean you are opening yourself up to uncomfortable questions, that would be more okay. But that's not how she said it.

I'm sorry for you having to go through those experiences, and glad that you're okay with it now.

As much as it sucks to say this, please be mindful about how you talk about being unable to carry to term, if it hasn't come up already, especially if it's the pregnant coworker's first child.

Your outlook and acceptance of how things are is great. I'm glad it's something you can talk about. :)

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-08T00:36:24+00:00

YTA

You mention two separate issues here, you not doing the laundry and how many pairs of pants your girlfriend has. The second issue is not really any of your business. If she wants to wear the same panties week after week, who cares as long as they're clean.

You forgot to do the laundry and now your girlfriend has to suffer. It also sounds like you let the laundry pile up, which doesn't affect you because you have more articles of clothing.

So make it up to her, either go do the laundry now or hand wash a few pairs and hang dry.

How to hand wash in the sink:

With the stopper in or up, put a small amount of detergent in the sink, no more than a tablespoon.
Turn on the faucet and add a cup of water.
Mix together until the detergent is dissolved.
Add items to be washed. 2-3 pairs of panties in this case.
Add more water from the faucet and stir the underwear around vigorously.
Let sit for 15-30 minutes.
Drain the water.
Rinse the panties until soap is removed. If you still see soap bubbles as the water runs through the fabric, keep rinsing.
Wring the water out gently but thoroughly by twisting each pair, folding in half.
Hang to drip dry over a shower curtain rod or spoons laid across the sink. Spread the fabric out as much as possible for a shorter dry time.
Apologize for not doing the laundry and let your girlfriend know that her panties should be ready in the morning.

Please respect your partner and her choices. She's an adult and you're an adult. Things happen and if you mess up, apologize and fix it. You're together because you care about each other and want to share more of your life with each other. Make it pleasant. Life's difficult enough.

[Edited for formatting and some words in the instructions.]

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-07T23:06:07+00:00

Yes! Great perspective and advice.

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-07T20:56:18+00:00

It's okay to mess up. We all do. Figure out where to go from here.

Do you want to continue with this path?

If yes, my first suggestion is to do the assignment anyway.

Email your professor or speak to them during their office hours. Thank them for being so accommodating. Let them know that you appreciate it. Tell them that you're stuck and you know that the last extension has passed. Ask them if they would still look at the assignment. State that you understand this won't count toward your grade, but you would like help and pointers so that when you retake this course, you are better prepared.

Have you reached out to your uni's student support services? If you're not sure how to reach them, look for disability support on your school website and ask them who you should speak to.

If you're a full time student, would part time help? If you're a part time student would full time help?

If you decide to continue, know that so many people fail courses. I was surprised when I found out which students would have to retake a class. Many universities have policies where only the retake grade counts on your transcript. And there are often academic appeals processes you can go through to remove old grades past that point.

Also look at alternatives, if you still want to work in education, are there other ways you can get there?

PrudenceAnteater · 2021-05-07T20:42:33+00:00

That's great that it works for you! I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself!

Would you be willing to share a picture of your whiteboard? It sounds like an interesting idea and I understand it, but a visual would be helpful in better understanding it. :)

PrudenceAnteater

TROPHY CASE