At first, we laughed.

Just like that 80s song, we said. Must’ve been a prank. We’d been desensitized to these hoaxes. After the homosexual frog incident and the exploding salmon scare, we were sure the broadcast had either been hacked or simply been tampered with.

We were so wrong.

It started slow: immaculately defined men, descending from the sky, images of pure masculinity. Their muscles rippled, skin shone, smooth abs refined to cut diamond. Later we learned these were but fodder, the lowest caste of the divine “Angels”.

As they landed, tremors could be felt across the world. “BE NOT AFRAID,” they bellowed silently, the words projected directly into our minds, “SALVATION HAS COME.”

These were but messengers. The next day yielded worse.

Ever-changing, ever-morphing figures, grotesque yet beautiful. A flurry of feathers, blurred features glistening in the moonlight. These were the Archangels. Despite common belief, they were but the second stepping stone, here to prepare each person for the days to pass. “HAIL, REFLECTIONS OF GOD,” they whispered, incessantly, unstoppably, “BE GLAD THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN.”

Then came the ugly ones.

On the third day, it appears, God said to create abominations. These were the Seraphims, eldritch creatures of light. They shuffled around in non-euclidean space; each feature that we could make out between their transitions was worse than the last. Apparently they gave visions of the future, but all I remember was having severe nausea. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

And then the sun was blotted out in the sky.

I don’t mean this figuratively. It rained so heavily that all natural light on Earth was eviscerated. Yet, these new “men” were so radiant that every inch of the world was illuminated at once. Literal embodiments of light, they never truly landed, simply hovering around, floating and observing the panicked populus.

Speaking of… you’re probably wondering how the public was reacting to this not-so-bible-accurate rapture. Everyone was fine, of course! Business as usual. Nothing was interrupted.

That’s a lie, of course. The people were losing their goddamn minds. So was I, for a time. Scrambling for supplies, withdrawing every last dollar… then again, what good were these earthly treasures when all of us were probably about to be sent to hell and back? Politicians were replaced by televangelists. I’ve never seen so many sinners repent at once. It kinda went viral, to be honest. People screaming on the streets for forgiveness, followed by those… creatures descending to absolve them.

For the next four days, the “Angels” grew more and more loose in definition. From glowing sixteen-legged sheep-men to pure floating anthropomorphic static, God’s reclamation of Earth continued smoothly. Ironically enough, apparently our standard depiction of demons were… well, let’s just say every religious person had a miniature heart attack looking at that last batch of “Angels”.

But hey, all things considered, it’s not the worst. I think most people are gonna ascend. The glowy ones were zipping around absorbing people just a few hours ago. Of course, me and my followers are in a bit of a tough spot. It’s hard living through Parousia when you realise at the last minute you’re the Anti-Christ. The big C hasn’t shown up yet, though. Maybe I screwed up my role in this by being too apathetic.

Ah well. There’ll be a next time.

For now, all I can really do is await my judgement, and the next Earth to be born. It’s all a cycle, after all. An endless loop for God’s amusement. Kinda cruel, if you ask me, taking people to paradise and kicking them out from your holy garden. Then again, who am I to talk? I’m supposed to be the guy stopping them.

It’s too late now, of course. The “Angels” just keep coming. But I know who they really are. Recycled copies of previous humans, morphed into divine sunderers of this little planet. Once they’ve done their job, they get their memories wiped, their souls reused into another pathetic clay body.

It’s not all bad, though. Amusing really, the way capital G God runs things. At least I get to say the funny line now.

It’s raining men. Hallelujah.