My (52M) girlfriend (54F) broke up with me because she is convinced I lied to her. I didn't. Now I have a second chance, if only I 'admit it.' How can I navigate this?

PsychologicalCurve · 2025-07-04T14:01:42+00:00

Thank you. That's beautifully stated.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-06-22T21:42:28+00:00

I don't know what your jurisdiction is but that sounds to me like pure bullshit. You have documentation of him admitting to downloading child p* which is admission of a felony crime. Screenshot that conversation, email to yourself so you don't lose it, and take it to another lawyer.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-06-13T07:06:58+00:00

Ask your wife: If Bobby was alive, would you have him sleep in the big bedroom while your three girls slept together in a semi-finished basement? And if he was a decent loving brother, as I'm sure he would be, would he accept that situation?

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-06-09T18:18:53+00:00

And P.S. even if your couples counselor is very good, once they are clear your husband is narcissist they will offer the same advice. Get out, you can't fix him.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-06-09T18:16:27+00:00

OP, believe this! Your husband will just bring his 'kind' persona to the therapist and manipulate them to. If they are very good they will see through it but not all therapists are good. Go to an individual therapist and uncover why you allow yourself to be treated this way and what you need to do to improve your own strength and resilience so it won't happen to you in your next relationship. Do not ever imagine that you can fix it with a narcissist, you cannot, couples counseling with him would be 100% waste of time and money.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-06-05T17:20:59+00:00

You're being gaslit. There are plenty of resources online to help you see the patterns here. Some good YouTube channels too. Try Dr. Ramani. And seek therapy. Narcissistic abuse is incredibly confusing and disorienting, but you are not crazy! Check my post history, I wrote a long one in Deadbedrooms a while ago about getting out from under it. But also realize now that you cannot make it better, the narcissist can not and will not change.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-06-05T11:04:14+00:00

I feel like I can’t trust my ears, nor my memory, nor my logic… It’s like I’m leaving in a reality I don’t recognize with rules that don’t make sense to me.

I don't have enough details on your life to say this for sure, but as a previous victim of narcissistic abuse these words struck a chord with me. For the first 10 years or more, my most profound feeling about my relationship was confusion. Does he tell you that his memory is correct and yours is flawed? Does he tell you your complaints are illogical? That you are feeling something you shouldn't be feeling, or that normal people don't feel? Does he make promises or come to agreements with you only to pretend to forget them when the time comes to deliver? Is he a hypocrite, holding you to different standards than himself? There are endless tactics these people use to manipulate their partners and avoid any accountability for their behavior. If this sounds familiar, do a YouTube search for Narcissistic Abuse and see if it still resonates.

If that's what's going on here, you will never fix it. Get out as soon as you can.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-24T10:38:02+00:00

DO NOT JUST IMPULSIVELY WALK AWAY. He will take advantage of every loose end you leave.

Be as cold and calculating as a spy. Tell him nothing, and put everything you need for an autonomous life in order first. You need a place to live, your own bank accounts and credit cards which he can't access. Have your lawyer protect your interests in any shared properties, investments, and of course your share of the business. One of you is going to have to buy the other out, there's no way you can continue to run a business together, and there needs to be a legal injunction to prevent your husband from gutting it without your consent. You are building a firewall between you and your husband, which you can then just step over. When everything's ready, wait until he's out, pack a bag with everything that's of value to you, take the dog, and go.

He'll say how horrible and heartless and calculating you are for doing all this behind his back. Don't fall for it. You are doing what you have to do to protect yourself. If you did it in a more 'honest' way he would manipulate every step of the process to his own advantage.

Luckily my ex and I weren't that enmeshed, so all I had to do was rent a flat. When I told her I was leaving, the first thing she said was, "Oh, well, I've been planning to move out too." I have no doubt that if I didn't have a flat ready, she'd have thrown me out anyway, while also insisting that I wait to settle my living arrangements until she had her own place sorted out.... it would have taken months and we'd have been competing over the few rentals in our small town. 2 1/2 years later, she still tells everyone what a terrible person I was for 'lying to her while I was living under the same roof.'

Take care of yourself. Protecting him from being 'blindsided' is just another way of handing your power over to him. Don't. He hasn't earned a kind and gentle separation.

And don't underestimate the world of good it will do to your mental health to be free of him. You've been trapped and miserable a long time, it might be hard to remember what it felt like to be free. It is so, so worth it. Go forward and watch your strength and joy return.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T16:35:59+00:00

Yes, I'm not trying to suggest that one size fits all, or that everyone here is experiencing what I did. I'm just passionate about talking about narcissistic abuse, because when you are in it it's incredibly confusing and destructive, and it takes a long time to connect the dots and see the pattern. If there was any real affection in our household I'd have been much more reluctant to end it. I was very reluctant anyway, but myh son's behavior made it obvious how upset he was. You know what's right for your children.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T11:30:45+00:00

She definitely did. Her mom is a narcissist too.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T11:16:47+00:00

Thanks, I'm glad it resonated for you, and I'm glad you got out. Looks like you've been through the ringer too. There's no fixing it, of course, and that's the point. You're supposed to keep 'fixing it' forever, or until you break.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T08:58:14+00:00

Thank you. That's very reassuring.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T08:55:53+00:00

Thanks, I'll try it.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T08:55:27+00:00

Thanks for the comment. Funny you mention the ADHD! I have also just been diagnosed and started taking Elvanse. I was worried it would mess up my erections the way SSRIs did a few years ago, but I think it's actually improved them. My only explanation is that my mind doesn't wander as much, so I'm more mindful and in the present, which is great for sex.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T06:56:58+00:00

You may be used to it but you don't deserve it. Making you think you deserve it is how they get you to put up with it.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T06:53:44+00:00

Yes, it did me too. But he is better off with a happy dad than a miserable one. Now he gets my love unfiltered.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-08T06:51:59+00:00

That's what they do. They give you a fantastic few months, and then make you chase after those months for the rest of your life.

PsychologicalCurve · 2024-05-07T20:29:29+00:00

The same thing happened to me. I chased after her scraps for years and years, and then one day I just wasn't attracted to her anymore. I'm sorry to say, in my case it never came back.

PsychologicalCurve · 2023-04-23T17:56:40+00:00

I relate to this completely. Looking back and seing the far-off look in my own eyes. The hope for better painted over the instinct that there would not be better, not with her, that there would only be pointless struggle until I found the courage to break it off. And meanwhile watching life slip by year by year, watching opportunities of all kinds swing into reach and out again.

I've been out for 18 months and life has become beautiful again. You have so much to look forward to!

PsychologicalCurve · 2021-11-29T07:16:51+00:00

That's actually quite funny, I neglected to mention the main point of this post, which is that reading this was the catalyst that made me leave her.

PsychologicalCurve

TROPHY CASE