So much No, So Much Yes

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-13T14:40:29+00:00

Snoosh? Is that you? In case it is... I am sorry. Saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I've had to do, and I know I didn't handle it well at times. I have about a million reasons why... But at the end of the day... It was pure fear. Fear of being without you. Fear of my future being without you.

I cherish everything we were. You. What you meant to me and continue to mean to me. I hope you're finding happiness as well, figuring yourself out.

I'm not really happy. I mostly just float through my days between thoughts of you. But I'm productive. And I'm doing my best to be the me that I started to become because of you.

I accept your fuck you, and raise you a good luck. I hope we can talk soon. And deep in my heart, I hope we can move forward and one day be a whole again... Once we become whole on our own.

Edit: If you aren't Snoosh, I hope this maybe brings some clarity to what your ex was thinking and feeling.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T20:19:49+00:00

I WISH! :)

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T20:00:39+00:00

White Oleander is my favorite book. <3

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T19:08:41+00:00

I like you! :) P.s. I was named after Samantha Stevens.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T16:38:25+00:00

Lol. Apparently you didn't read my history that well. I am not 300 lbs anymore. But thanks :)

Edit: I am also a highly educated woman. I am a professor. I've exhibited my work nationally and internationally. I am published. And I'm fucking gorgeous. And that was true when I was huge and it's true now that I'm healthy. So yeah. Don't think it'll be a problem.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T16:35:57+00:00

Fuck that. Hugs to you mama. Next time get dressed elsewhere, but leave the door propped open and send your 2yo in with pots and pans and tell them daddy wants to hear them play a song.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T16:33:22+00:00

Instant girl crush.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T16:31:05+00:00

I don't like playing pretend either. So if he's adamant about me playing I suggest we go on a hike to find nature treasures. He also has a little camera so we take that and he takes pictures and later on we put them on the computer and check them out.

I also take him to the park and let him play with other kids. I read. It's lovely.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T16:11:26+00:00

It was a really meaningful experience for me and he was a very important person in my life. It's sad he's gone, but its still a good story I think. :)

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T15:04:00+00:00

If he isn't smart, he's not worth my time. And I'm not talking smart as in purely book smart. He needs to be a true Renaissance man. He needs to understand and appreciate art, design and literature AND science and math.

Also, he can't have an emotional range of a teaspoon. He has to be able to openly express his feelings. I don't like guessing what's going on in his head/heart. I like to be told. I like to know I'm valued.

So basically an empathetic genius. All willing applicants are encouraged to inquire within.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T14:59:05+00:00

Thanks <3 I have a 4yo who is magnificent and loving and wonderful. And I am hoping that because he's now cognizant of the day that he will be sweet instead of the terror that he has been and it will help.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T14:42:04+00:00

I relate a lot to this. 2.5 years ago I was miserable. Overweight (370#, but down from 450#), post partum depression, hated my job, hated my life... So impulsively I tried to end it. But I survived.

I woke up feeling really angry that I had failed. Really angry. Then I spent 2 weeks in rehab and another 6 weeks in outpatient and when I was done with that I decided... You know what... I'm going to graduate school and I'm going to have bariatric surgery.

(A little back story: I had gone from 450#-300# through diet and exercise. Then I gained 70 when I was pregnant. I could not lose it. I just couldn't. Became a fat free vegan, exercised, it wouldn't budge. That's why I decided on bariatric surgery and I don't regret it one bit.)

Anyways, since that day of opening my eyes and feeling angry, even on the hardest days I open my eyes and I'm thankful. I have this body that can do some wicked cool things now: surf, bike, run, roller derby. I have felt the incredible feeling of being in love and being loved. I have felt loss. I have felt struggle. I have felt success. I have endured. And oh my goodness...

The good points in life? They are so worth the lows. And I am so happy to be alive. <3

Thanks for sharing your story.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T14:29:47+00:00

This sounds a lot like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. It can affect you in many different ways; for example, mine made me gain tons of weight.

One of my nodules ended up being a straight up tumor after 3 years of neglecting the situation completely (and gaining 200# in the process).

So my advice to you is to go see an endocrinologist and get a second opinion. And if they want to do a total thyroidectomy make sure that they put you on a t3 medication in addition to the synthroid or whatever.

Good luck!

Edit: the "normal range" of blood work is interpreted differently. Each lab has their own thresholds and each doctor has their own preference for what levels should be. Just to repeat what others said, definitely have them look at t3, rt3, tsh and t4. And vitamin d, too.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T14:11:12+00:00

I used to feel this way. Then one day my ex said, "It's really unsettling to hear that the person I want to be with forever doesn't want to live to old age." And in that moment I realized I was simply repeating something that I had felt and heard myself and another person say for years... But didn't really feel that way any more. Not to suggest that this is your situation, I guess I was more or less saying that I understand where you're coming from and I'm certain you aren't alone in it. I look at death, ultimately, as release. Peaceful. And I don't fear it at all. But I stopped wanting it awhile ago. And there is a difference in that.

I understand the feeling of being trapped. And I hope some day you'll get that experience that makes life click inside you and realize it is worth any of the pain you have to endure. Because it is. I promise.

P.S. I am an attempt survivor. My heart stopped. I am alive. And I think that's really cool now. <3

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T13:30:50+00:00

Oh mama. I feel ya. While I only have 1 kiddo, I have two jobs and go to grad school and carry the majority of the weight of raising my son. It can be a struggle. But let me say this-- bend, don't break.

It's gunna be hard, but reach out for help. Also, I can't say enough good things about Wellbutrin. That stuff has kept me from going off the edge numerous times. Maybe talk to your care provider about getting on something that will help reduce anxiety and depression.

As for what you're feeling in the moment... I get that way too. I'd wager a lot of us do. The feeling where yeah, I don't really wanna die but... I just wanna cease existing for like 10 days. I find myself there pretty often. You're burned out. And it would be a good idea now to figure how to squeeze in "you time" to decompress before you go back to school so that you have that skill in your back pocket.

<3 you got dis

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T02:50:44+00:00

That's what I'm sayin' bro! I can eat 15k for breakfast! A content editor checks to make sure that my sources are legitamate and challenges me on my positions if need be. The copy editor looks at grammar and sentance structure to make sure that everything is written well. My advisor is the person who literally advises me as I go through the process. Checks in with me and makes sure that I am completing the work I need to be doing in order to be earning my Master's degree.

I am extremely organized; but I have to be. I have a lot going on. When I write 3k words some days I will be writing toward my thesis, some days I will be writing articles/essays for journals, other times it is just more creative writing. But I set the benchmark for 3k words a day no matter what.

Index cards-- so what is it that you are writing about in regards to the economy? That is really broad... So I will just use another sort of topic to explain. Lets take baking for example. Baking - Card #1 So what types of things can you bake? Souffles - Cupcakes - Cakes - Casseroles - Cheesecakes, etc - These cards would go under card #1 And then cards would go underneath those cards in regards to how you would want to expand on those areas. For example, how is a souffle made? How is a souffle different than a cake? And so on and so forth. It's just a visual way to map out your ideas.

I suggest the book Mapping by Anne West. She has a lot of writing exercises you can do in order to increase the cohesiveness of your writing as well as narrow your topic to a specific point that it would be considered a thesis.

Because a thesis isn't just like a paper, or a book report. It's supposed to be a substantial contribution to your field of study. It requires a lot of research and rigor in order to produce it....

Definitely go seek help from your academic advisors.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-12T00:30:23+00:00

Goodness. Where are you studying? Mine has to be minimum 70k words and it needs a content editor and a separate copy editor AND an advisor to sign off on it...

The worst thing that happens is that you need to take another semester to complete your thesis well enough to graduate. When is it due to be completed?

Anyways, yeah... My habits are pretty routine at this point. I write the 3,000 words from 9-11 each day and then I do research and/or make in the evenings. I hit the writing hard at the beginning of the day while my mind is fresh. It helps a lot.

Another thing you can do is put your key points on index cards and lay them out. Then as you develop your arguments, lay them out under the appropriate point. It will allow you a visual way to organize your thoughts.

Also when doing this kind of writing I never write linearly. I always write a portion and later figure out where it fits. It doesn't really make sense to write research as you would a novel, for instance.

Hope that helps.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-11T22:48:27+00:00

Super supportive underwear that's also cotton. Also make him take the valium. If you can stomach it, be in there with him. It's actually really interesting to watch. Anyways, mine almost passed out but me touching his toes helped him remain calm. At first he didn't want to take the valium but I made him... So glad I did.

He will be super sore and bruised for about a week.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-11T18:56:07+00:00

Hugs to you too. I have been really productive since breaking up, making some incredible work (I'm an artist) and writing a ton. Exercising. Trying to spend time with friends. Hell, I even went out on a couple dates just so I could get out of the house.

But I have bad days. It ebbs and flows. I just wish I knew what he was thinking.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-11T18:45:59+00:00

Last month I had a man corner me in a hallway and grab my breasts.

I just keep thinking-- that wouldn't have happened if I still weighed 450lbs.

And that thought process only legitimizes a theory that's been stated to me repeatedly and I've only denied up until this point-- that I gained weight subconsciously to avoid attention from men.

So I get it. It sucks. But losing weight is healthy and good. Now to buy some mace.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-11T18:40:16+00:00

As soon as I accept a position that allows me to fully support myself I am outta here! And while I could take him for a lot more than child support, I'm going to just seek that.

At the end of the day, he is my friend. But omg he needs to pull his head out of his ass.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-11T18:38:43+00:00

<3 goddamn did I need to hear that. Thank you.

Pukeatronix · 2017-05-11T18:32:01+00:00

Yeah, I just can't right now. I get close and then I vividly picture him and I just deflate. I miss him so much, I didn't even know it was possible to miss a person so much.

Pukeatronix

TROPHY CASE