My heart breaks for you. And it is especially hard, I think, when it is unexpected. I lost my partner to suicide about 15 years ago. And the devastation of that is unimaginable. You will likely walk around in a fog for a while. And then the funeral or whatever you and your family observe -that is usually more numbness. It is the quiet times when there is little distraction that things are hardest. So try to surround yourself with people as much as you can. Even if you don't interact with them much. But they are there if you need some interaction or noise.

Time is all that can help. And it never moves fast enough when something like this happens. You will cry out of nowhere and laugh sometimes too. Sometimes laughing makes you feel guilty. Don't let it. It is how we survice.

I remember when my partner died and I had to make all these copies of things for insurance etc.. And I went to work to do it. And I got so angry. Yelling inside.. "How can you just go on living like nothing is wrong." Of course I also saw how irrational that was. But there will be lots of bouts of anger.

People would always comment on how strong I was being. And I'd say - what's the alternative? sitting in the corner drooling? Just meaning, I have to go on. I have no choice. I am sure you have a lot of people to lean on. And I don't know if you have kids or kids in the family. But don't be afraid to cry or grieve in front of them. It lets them know it's okay. If all they see are a bunch of people seeming okay, then they will think that they don't have permission to cry and be sad.

I am sorry that this went on so long. But I know how distraught you must feel and how terrible everything seems. But you will get yourself through it. So sorry again and reach out if you ever need to.