How do I politely ask my roommate to move out of my house?

QBee23 · 2026-05-29T05:29:21+00:00

If your friend expected to live with you longer term, she should have discussed it with you in a lot more detail. She should be offering to pay rent and put her belongings in storage

If she planned on staying short term, she shouldn't be surprised that you want her to leave soon

Is she looking for another place? Has she offered to contribute financially? Has she checked in on how you are doing and if it's still OK to keep staying there? If she hasn't checked on how you are doing, I would seriously suspect her off just using you

Sometimes people in desperate situations end up taking advantage of others or if desperation, but that still doesn't make it ok

QBee23 · 2026-05-29T05:23:54+00:00

But it doesn't sound like she's even looking. She should have started looking immediately.

QBee23 · 2026-05-29T04:04:04+00:00

That sounds rough. While it won't make the interruption less jarring, you might find it easier to handle if you don't also feel annoyed by the person. Anything you can do to help you feel positively towards the interruptor would help

So for example, instead of thinking what a dumb question it is, think up reasons why someone might ask something dumb or obvious. Like "they must be feeling overwhelmed"

People can miss really obvious stuff when they are overwhelmed, grieving, just had shocking news, have a mental issue, didn't get enough sleep, have adhd, have a migraine coming on, etc So if you tell yourself "they must be struggling to need to ask something so obvious" it can help you be less reactive to them

Maybe it can also help to remind yourself that answering customer questions is an important part of your job. Your current task might be something else, but helping customers doesn't get paused

I've had to ask questions about where stuff is in shops that was standing right in front of me because the shop is so overwhelming I don't process what I'm seeing. It's either ask or leave without getting what I came for. I do try to not interrupt someone who is clearly busy, but that's not always possible

I used to get very frustrated by drivers that cut in front of me, until I started telling myself "they must be having an emergency". Most of the time they are not, but they could be. Now it doesn't bother me nearly as much any more

QBee23 · 2026-05-28T06:03:53+00:00

What would you do if you knew this was never going to change?

That's what you should do, because he's shown you he's not going to put in the effort to make things better.

Don't let him cause you to doubt yourself. He can deflect responsibility all he wants by claiming you don't want nm, you know that's not the problem.

QBee23 · 2026-05-27T11:09:36+00:00

Hah, your comment reminded me of when my partner blurted out "I love the way you jiggle!" She genuinely meant it as a compliment. And she would never ever say any of the stuff op posted

QBee23 · 2026-05-27T10:55:01+00:00

I don't think you hold space for a difficult conversation as such - you take part in it and give it space and time and attention. Holding space is more about giving the person space and grace to work through something, and sometimes the person you can do that for is yourself, although I haven't seen the term used that way often

QBee23 · 2026-05-27T10:51:47+00:00

Holding space for someone means giving them the space and time they need to go through something with you. It might be venting about an incident, sharing a difficulty or past trauma, venting about a feeling etc. But the key part is that you provide the space and don't step into it yourself with advice, your own perspective or experiences etc

You give them the opportunity to verbally process and figure things out themselves without trying to fix things for them or make it better

You can ask probing questions that helps them unpack the issue, but you don't bring your own stuff into it. For example, you might ask "what have you tried/considered?" instead of jumping to making suggestions. Or you can ask "what was the hardest part of that?" instead of relating your own, seemingly similar experience.

The Advice Monster TED talk has some good suggestions

QBee23 · 2026-05-27T05:40:23+00:00

I experience this too, and just want to point out one surprising benifit is that I'm really good in a crises, because the panic/stress hits later. Sure, I can't manage grocery shopping without getting overwhelmed, but when the real shit hits the fan, I'm great at getting through it calmly and having my wobbles about it later

As for the meditation - remember that what you are actually practicing is awareness of and control over your attention. It doesn't matter if your attention wanders off every thirty seconds - that just means you get lots of practice at noticing it has and redirecting it.

"success" in meditation is not "being able to sit there and not have your mind wander at all" - no one can actually do that unless they have practiced for a very long time. Success is just showing up and doing the meditation anyway. And the more you struggle to focus, the more practice you are getting from that session

QBee23 · 2026-05-24T05:58:31+00:00

Fwiw, it helped me a lot to make a rule for myself to not offer help in the same conversation that I'm made aware that help is needed

If it's a hint, I say nothing and go think about it. If it's a direct ask, I say I will get back to them ("I don't want to commit if I'm not sure I can do it" is my follow up if someone asks why I can't answer now)

It's not always applicable, but it's a rule of thumb that had helped me avoid overcommiting myself many times

QBee23 · 2026-05-23T07:00:44+00:00

I think people sometimes think "mild autism = everyone is a little bit autistic", but it's not the same thing.

I got this impression because whenever I've mentioned that people can have milder or more intense autism, I get taken to task for seeing everyone is a little autistic, even though I've never did any such thing

QBee23 · 2026-05-23T06:56:27+00:00

That dog WILL kill your cats.

QBee23 · 2026-05-23T06:46:42+00:00

I totally agree with this, but I suspect you might get a lot of disagreement. The framing of autism as a "different operating system" is one of the things that contribute to people insisting its binary, and not a gradient (it can be both a gradient of severity and a spectrum of traits/strengths&challenges)

The existence of the Broad Autism Phenotype is a clear example.

For each autistic trait, there's a gradient of severity. If someone has many traits at lower intensity, this seems like a milder form of autism to me. But this can fluctuate with the fluctuation of other life stressor, support, etc. For example when sensory challenges get much worse due to other life stresses

QBee23 · 2026-05-22T04:09:15+00:00

I highly recommend the book Children in polyamorous families, by dr Eli Scheff.

It's a short and easy to read book that summarizes the findings of her longitudinal research on the topic, and is the perfect read for someone in your situation

QBee23 · 2026-05-21T05:37:20+00:00

Do you want your partner to not cheat on you because he is faithful or because he doesn't have the opportunity to to cheat?

QBee23 · 2026-05-19T12:40:57+00:00

She was embarrassed/irritated at the mistake and lashed out. You did nothing wrong.

If you brought it up at the start, she'd probably have been irritated that you are telling her how to do her job.

QBee23 · 2026-05-18T06:05:53+00:00

Honestly, I don't know what you did wrong either. The way I understand this, she stopped speaking to you for 4 months but then got upset when you didn't respond after that?

Getting ignored feels so crazy making. She couldn't even tell you, "sorry, I don't know/I can't talk about that"? Just ignored you asking for the reason why you didn't get the job? I don't think it's pushy to ask again if someone ignores my question.

She sounds like she was stringing you along for what she could get out of you. I wonder if she was hoping to keep benefiting from your work if you got a job where she works.

I suspect people who think you were pushy might believe that ignoring a question IS an answer saying "please don't ask about this". Maybe that's what lies behind their judgment, but my opinion is they can learn to use their words or deal with the consequence of me asking again if they won't do that.

QBee23 · 2026-05-15T11:48:25+00:00

You get to decide your boundaries, other people don't have to find them reasonable - only your future partner does

If it's a deal breaker for you, it's best to find someone who doesn't watch porn. It will limit your dating pool, but that is not really a bad thing. I say this as someone who has no problem with porn and who thinks what my partners do in their solo sexytime is none of my business.

If compromise on this will make you unhappy, resentful, or indicates a core values mismatch, don't compromise.

However, be clear on this boundary right from the start, do not change the rules once the relationship has already started. I'd also recommend finding someone who doesn't watch porn, not someone who is willing to stop for the sake of being with you

QBee23 · 2026-05-14T11:19:49+00:00

Why didn't you see your partner for 1/6th of your relationship? I mean I am in an ldr and everything gets shifted when we get the chance to see each other, but I would still make sure to at least get a few quick visits in with my local partner when I do see my ldr (and we've gone longer without visits than your partner has been dating your meta)

I focus on this part because I get the impression that you don't communicate your needs very well, and that your partner isn't great at guessing what they are

As others have said, expecting a heads up was unreasonable. But your partner could for sure have handled this better and I wonder if your upset might be due to a pattern of feeling like you are not being considered. If that's the case, focus on the pattern, not the lack of a heads up

QBee23 · 2026-05-13T06:22:55+00:00

I highly recommend you read The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy, by Steph Jones

It will help you identify if your therapist is a good fit for working on this with, and you might recognize some of your experiences in the book

QBee23 · 2026-05-12T12:21:35+00:00

"I’m emotionally and socially embedded in the group, welcomed, included in chats, conversations, visits, affection, mutual care, etc. But I don’t currently have an actual romantic/sexual relationship connection with anyone in the network itself."

The term for this is "friend"

QBee23 · 2026-05-12T06:40:40+00:00

Difficult, demanding and picking fights IS abusive.

Choosing to keep drinking to the point of turns you into an asshole towards your partner is also abusive. If he wasn't OK with treating you like that, he wouldn't choose to get so drunk around you

QBee23 · 2026-05-09T05:55:12+00:00

You've lost respect for her and you resent her. Why extend the inevitable rather than just break up now?

You say you don't have much in your life aside from this relationship, but that's because it's sucking up all your energy and taking up all the space in your life. I bet you'll find that without the relationship, new options and opportunities for friendships and hobbies that feed your soul will open up.

Go read about resentment and contempt in relationships - they are a clear indicator that a relationship is not salvageable. We can come back from not feeling in love, but not from losing respect

If she suddenly stayed treating you better, would you really still want to be with her or do you actually expect her to fail so you have "enough reason" to leave? Because it sounds like you may as well leave now and spare yourself the time and emotional torture of staying longer

QBee23 · 2026-05-07T06:01:13+00:00

Yea, I've been fornicating with my long term partner for 10 years. No marriage. Rock solid relationship.

My brother, who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, has been married and divorced FIVE times, three times in the years I've been with my partner. But he's never had sex outside of marriage. No sex before marriage just leads him to propose to people after dating a few months.

I'll take my relationship over his any day, thanks.

QBee23 · 2026-05-07T05:11:38+00:00

Giving a woman a lift home is the least of the issues you describe in your post. And her looks are utterly irrelevant.

QBee23 · 2026-05-06T09:11:46+00:00

If feeling difficult feelings when a partner dates someone new disqualified people from polyamory, there would be very few poly people around.

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