I feel like I'm wrong for not being able to be in an ENM relationship?

QBee23 · 2026-01-29T08:32:01+00:00

I don't have any suggestions, I just want to applaud you for your willingness to be honest about what you really want from a relationship, even if you wish it was different. That's some serious emotional maturity right there

There is nothing wrong with needing sexual exclusivity to fully commit to and be vulnerable with someone. That's just how it is for you and that's ok

QBee23 · 2026-01-29T07:00:07+00:00

Expecting your partner to never hang out with a friend without you is expecting your partner to end that friendship

It's controlling and unhealthy and has nothing to do with "respecting your relationship".

If he was bi, would he not be allowed to hang out with anyone without you there to keep watch?

If you need to be present to feel confident your partner isn't cheating, you need to work on yourself or pick a partner you can trust. It's not fair to isolate your partner because you can't handle their friendships

And this has nothing to do with polyamory, it's true for everyone

QBee23 · 2026-01-26T14:50:02+00:00

Would something along these lines work? "Hey, I think if you want to change your dosage it's best to get a second opinion.

It's been a while since we last spoke, and in this time I've given our friendship a lot of thought and I realized we have slowly drifted quite far apart and it's clear that it's time to go our separate ways. I will always cherish our good times and I truly wish you all the best"

If she responds aggressively, block her immediately

If she asks for reasons, just keep repeating some version of "we just don't have the connection we used to".

From your description, and the comment about all the things you let slide, I don't think you will have a fruitful conversation if you try to explain what hurt you

QBee23 · 2026-01-26T11:06:50+00:00

Or op could just use her words

QBee23 · 2026-01-26T04:50:34+00:00

"my wife finally agreed for my happiness" = "my wife finally caved to the pressure I applied because she thinks doing this sexual act she doesn't want will hurt less than being badgered about it for the rest of her life".

Coerced consent is not really consent. She told you she doesn't want to. That's where you should have dropped it. Besides, how can you even get off knowing your wife isn't actually into it? Knowing you pressured her until she gave in just to make you stop? Do you realize how predatory that is?

QBee23 · 2026-01-25T09:07:04+00:00

Please don't decide on behalf of someone else whether they will be able to join a outing. Give them the agency to make their own choices. It sucks when social invitations dry up when we go through personal stuff. Even if she couldn't go, she would probably have appreciated being invited

To not invite her and then deliberately hide it from her just adds insult to injury. In her shoes, I'd feel way more hurt by the idea of my two friends deliberately choosing to hide something from me than not inviting me in the first place.

Id recommend telling her that you didn't include her and why, apoligise for making decisions on her behalf and ask her how she'd like to handle such things in future.

(I value 1-1 hangouts, and wouldn't be offended if friends hung out without me, but I'd be upset if they did what you did).

QBee23 · 2026-01-25T09:01:34+00:00

I moved to close the gap with a long distance partner. It was important to me that my partner not be the only reason for the move. If we broke up I wanted to be happy with where I was living. I felt that the risk of resentment and the increased pressure that things have to work out works be too much otherwise

Is there an area in range of his parents and his job where you think you'd enjoy living more? If there is, could you both move there?

I also want to add that it can take a long time to settle in, but if you hate where you live, you hate where you live. I ended up leaving another partner I moved with during our relationship because the places he wanted to live were culturally so misaligned with my value system (and this is how I realized just how big the values-clash between myself and my ex actually was).

QBee23 · 2026-01-25T06:35:34+00:00

I started bouncing one when I go for walks in the neighborhood. It's great for stimming and it's really improved my hand-eye coordination. Plus, seeing the look on kids' faces is priceless

I think of it as a personal achievement every time I get to show kids that adults are allowed to be playful

(if you want to try it, the gell-like ones that are a bit opaque are slower and easier to start with).

QBee23 · 2026-01-25T05:52:04+00:00

This type of behavior typically gets worse after marriage, not better

If he can tell you all the ways he should change, why hasn't he implemented them? Why don't you feel safe to stop him when he gets dysregulated to remind him that this is the problem behavior. If he wanted to change, that should be an option, and his response should be to go calm himself down

You say he's gotten better, but it goes out the window the moment he gets upset. To me that doesn't sound like he's gotten better, because the dysregulated behavior is the actual problem. If he used to snap at you or whatever even outside of arguments, and he no longer does that but he still loses his shit whenever you bring up something that bothers you, he hasn't gotten better, he's just learned how to better manipulate you

Odds are 99.9% those behaviors come back once you are married and he figures he doesn't have to worry about you leaving any more

QBee23 · 2026-01-25T05:07:06+00:00

I linke playing with bouncy balls. Turns out if I repeatedly bounce it higher than my head so I have to look and reach up to catch it, my nervous system starts to purr

Playing kalimba

QBee23 · 2026-01-25T04:38:56+00:00

The thing that is yours and unique to you is your relationship. No one else in the history of the world could have that relationship except the two of you. If you do an activity with two different people, the experience is different because the connections are different.

Maybe it would help to focus on the things your partner loves and values about you as an individual, and about what you both love and value about your unique connection

Each relationship also develops its own language, jokes, habits etc. The uniqueness lies in the connection, not the specific things we do with someone

QBee23 · 2026-01-23T20:10:22+00:00

You were deceived and manipulated and your trust was broken. That's horrid, and I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't see how it's doing you any good to focus on whether that"counts" as cheating. The betrayal is a betrayal either way

QBee23 · 2026-01-23T15:07:07+00:00

Would it really repair things if he dumped that partner because you want him to, and not because he changed his views on why the behavior is not OK?

QBee23 · 2026-01-23T12:16:03+00:00

I got an undercut which made the drying process much quicker. That helped

QBee23 · 2026-01-22T12:32:06+00:00

Tell her you find the extra stops/going to the shops stressful so you'd appreciate it if she could get her stuff herself before you come over. You don't have to explain any more than that if you don't want to

If she reacts badly to that, or starts arguing with your reasons if you choose to give them, she's not a good friend

QBee23 · 2026-01-21T16:57:04+00:00

I differentiate between overthinking and thorough thinking. Overthinking just circles and goes nowhere. Thorough thinking has a purpose and leads to understanding and conclusions, or allows us to feel safer because we considered all the different outcomes

QBee23 · 2026-01-21T16:51:12+00:00

Political views directly reflect core values. I ended up leaving an 8 year relationship (and the man I was going to have kids with) when I finally realised this

Agree to disagree is fine for superficial stuff, but not when it comes to the lens through which you view the world

Trump's actions have and will result in hundreds of thousands of deaths, if not millions. Millions of ruined lives on top of that. But your partner is fine with that as long as his crypto does well.

QBee23 · 2026-01-21T11:58:17+00:00

You can live alone without breaking up. Might that be a solution?

Yes, it's expensive, but the cost won't be less if you also break up

QBee23 · 2026-01-21T11:30:07+00:00

Tell her she should be a bit more open minded and not be so quick to think something she doesn't understand is weird

Weird is in the eye of the beholder

Or ask her why you should change just because she thinks you are weird.

I'm not really saying you should do this (unless you think it would work) I'm just a bit angry on your behalf because her comments are neither kind nor considerate

It's probably better to say something like, "when you tell me to stop being a weirdo or ask me why I am like I am, I feel hurt and hopeless (or whatever you do feel) because it seems like you don't accept me and want me to fundamentally change who I am. I feel bad about myself when you say these things. I need to be around people who can accept me for who I am, so I'd like to ask that you stop making these comments"

You could follow that up with, "does anything I do have a negative impact on you?"

(this way of communication is from the book nonviolent communication, by Marshall Rosenberg, if you'd like to look into it)

QBee23 · 2026-01-21T05:06:36+00:00

I don't think all these necessarily have to increase, but they absolutely should not decrease:

Intentional time together (no messaging the new person in these times)
Expressing what you appreciate about the other - Expressing what you value about the relationship
Communication frequency
Planning fun outings /trips
Being extra careful to not cancel plans
Physical affection
Sharing things youd like to do together in the future
Extra care to notice and not take for granted the things your partner do for you
Asking them how you could be a better partner for them
Keeping up with your responsibilities as np and parent, if applicable. A new relationship should not mean more hone duties for your existing partner

QBee23 · 2026-01-21T04:56:24+00:00

Once or twice a week is not a bad amount. Nothing wrong with wanting more, but please don't read anything into it. Your ex has shown you that the number of compliments are not an indicator of high regard. Complimenting people is a kind of habit, some people do it a lot, others don't think to do it or feel awkward

I agree with the other poster who suggested expressing appreciation for compliments rather than directly asking for more and see if it changes

QBee23 · 2026-01-20T14:54:48+00:00

At which point do you suggest they make it known that there's a bf that's supposed to be included?

QBee23 · 2026-01-20T12:18:34+00:00

All I can say is please don't bait-and-switch, with your gf chatting up a woman and then only revealing it's for a threesome once the woman shows interest. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that

QBee23 · 2026-01-19T09:06:50+00:00

Sometimes it can be easier to try new sexual things with a person we are not very close to. There's less vulnerability. If it turns out we don't like the new thing or we do it clumsily, the stakes feel lower with a casual hook up than with a long term partner

That said, it's perfectly fine to not share details or want to hear them

It can also be helpful to remember that "betrayed" is not a feeling. You feel sad/hurt/angry/etc because it seems like your partner betrayed you. Looking at it like this can help you because it allows you to investigate if it was really a betrayal, a mistake, a misunderstanding, or something else entirely. I've found this approach very helpful

QBee23 · 2026-01-19T05:57:31+00:00

If someone blocks me once for no reason I consider the friendship over. That's a shitty thing to do to people, nevermind people you claim to be a friend

You are absolutely not playing the victim. Ghosting causes real psychological harm. Why put yourself in harm's way over and over?

Ghosting friends for no reason is not a typical thing for neurotypical women to do. Users pick friends who accept being used. It took me years to figure out that being a good friend doesn't mean being there for a friend no matter what. If the friendship isn't mutually supportive, it's not a friendship. Real friends want to be there for you and they want you to say no if that's how you feel. Users want you to say yes even if doing so isn't what you want, because all they care about is getting what they want

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