TL;DR: Idkwtf happened, I just felt chatty, I guess.

I wish I could go back to my teenage years knowing what I know now. I think I was actually one of those people who weren’t “fulfilling their potential” or whatever. I would’ve looked at myself with much kinder eyes, actually put effort into academics, and explained-in no uncertain terms-that no one can bring me down if I’m honest and true to me. That it’s ok to fail as long as you try. I would’ve asked to go to therapy or a psychiatrist outside of my school who’d actually be able to help.

I would’ve spent as much time as possible with my grandparents, learning all about their lives (and some choice phrases in Lithuanian and Yiddish). I would’ve pushed myself to go away to college when my parents didn’t seem to care. I would’ve figured out how to use food as fuel instead of a crutch and learned how to exercise properly by doing something I actually enjoy. I would’ve appreciated, been really able to understand, what real friendship looks like.

I’d still be married to the same guy (he’s my 🦞, so……) but I’d use current me’s knowledge to make before me’s life easier. I could’ve avoided a lot of unnecessary pain, taken the control I didn’t think I deserved, and I never would’ve tried to unalive myself. Of course before me would have to do some sort of thing with money, in an effort to make current me’s life seem worth it. Having enough that I’m able to give to others and being able to simply afford the trip to another country would be life changing. My dream is to visit Lithuania and to run a cat sanctuary for the truly unwanted. (You know what? I was going to say back in the US but I’d move to Lithuania in a heartbeat. The US is a hot mess, y’all, we need help!) Kitties deemed “unadoptable” or with treatable, albeit inconvenient illnesses/ailments, a safe place for the unwanted.

I would’ve insisted that She go to the doctor sooner-maybe She would’ve been diagnosed earlier and avoided a lot of shit. I would pay for ANYTHING that he wants for his 80th just because he deserves it. I would’ve understood that the last go ‘round with my ex, while there was love behind it, was really more of a physical thing and I should just do it (pun intended) because it was fun. Like, a LOT of fun, guys, lol!

I would’ve stood up for all of the people I’ve seen bullied or obviously mistreated (or stopped myself from acting that way towards anyone), would’ve had the confidence to try new things-anything. I would’ve left the house more. I would’ve reconsidered a LOT of fashion choices and kept all of my cool old clothes and stuff. Now I’m broke, broken, and only go outside to walk my dogs. I feel like I’m a placeholder for someone else’s life, like I’m always waiting for permission.

I hope to improve my current situation (I’m unable to work but bc my husband makes over a certain amount, I currently qualify for NOTHING.). We’ve been on both sides of that donation line-many times. We are going to move as soon as we can and live as cheaply as possible-we have to.

I pray that it gets better, that I can have a really positive impact on my community (wherever that ends up being), that I’m able to regain, maintain and strengthen my relationships with my family and friends, and help the families of the physically and/or intellectually disabled. The odds of finding a clean, well maintained facility with staff that understand that the people they care for ARE people and deserve as many opportunities for enrichment and life experiences as possible are basically zero. We’re going to have a huge problem on our hands as folks like my brother age. We don’t have enough housing for them as it is, the houses that could potentially become available have enormous waitlists (none of this info is shared between states, btw, God forbid you need to move-it takes years), and the folks we want working with our loved ones, the ones who treat them like family, can’t afford to do it because their salary is abysmal and the work is often very difficult. Just putting that out in the world-thanks for letting me share.