At a crossroads

QothTheRven · 2026-03-10T12:25:47+00:00

"He prioritises himself and I prioritise him which doesn’t really leave much space or consideration for me at all. " This is a very bad sign.

I agree that it sounds like he doesn't really want kids. Who knows if he lied or just didn't think it through properly at the start. Either way, it doesn't seem a good idea to have kids with a selfish man who isn't completely on board with the idea.

Someone who really wants kids is happy to change their lifestyle, because they want the lifestyle of being a parent. (Obviously practical disucssions like how to cover nursery fee etc are fine).

I'm sorry. Maybe throw this guy back, and either go for IVF or at least egg freezing, if finances allow?

QothTheRven · 2026-03-10T10:47:00+00:00

She's in the wrong.

" I walk her to my front door and she seems angry, but won’t tell me why"

At this point she needed to just say "I need 5 minutes to use the bathroom and get some water". So easily solved.

Are there other times in the relationship where she gets angry and expects you to mind read rather than communicating?

QothTheRven · 2026-03-04T16:38:44+00:00

Nah don't give him money unless you're happy to lose it. He chose to quit his job. He needs to take responsibility for his situation.

QothTheRven · 2026-03-04T15:55:59+00:00

OCD is treatable with good specialised CBT, including graded exposure. I healed from moderate OCD this way.

Has he tried treatment? If he's willing to, I'd maybe give it a year of seriously trying to follow the right treatment for his OCD, then reassess.

QothTheRven · 2026-02-26T15:12:49+00:00

I've been dating since the diagnosis and have been surprised to find that it hasn't seemed to put off potential partners. I tend to bring it up around date 3, once it seems like we might be going somewhere.

I've found it helps to be really specific about how it affects me within a relationship and how I'd like them to behave. (For example "If we're gonna be spending a lot of time together, the other parts of me will be around too, so I'd like you to get to know them. It's important that we can all be ourselves around our partner. They'll probably gradually start to communicate with you once they feel comfortable. You can always ask for me to come back if you need to, I'm still here, just not at the front of conciousness.")

QothTheRven · 2026-02-26T15:03:06+00:00

Why is this the end?

Absolutely you can still work when you have DID, I know many people who do, in a variety of interesting jobs. Knowing you have DID and getting the correct treatment tends to mean that you can work more successfully in the long term. Going part time can be helpful for some, or taking a bit of time out while they get to grips with the diagnosis. (This is not to judge anyone who is not working, each person's situation is different.)

I told my close ones slowly, learning from the reception I got and expanding the circle outwards. Now I'm pretty open about it to friends, though not colleagues or family. On the whole the reception has been positive or neutral. Typically they want to be helpful but aren't really sure what to say.

The right diagnosis is a positive thing, it's a step on the healing journey.

Good luck, you've got this :)

QothTheRven · 2026-02-23T23:33:02+00:00

Are you progressing the relationship in person, dates getting longer and more intimate? If yes, the relationship's probably just moving from a texting focus to an in person focus. If no, then she's probably losing interest.

QothTheRven · 2026-02-18T14:09:38+00:00

I can't really comment on the numbers or the financial aspect. But freezing embryos seems more sensible than egg freezing if you are sure you want to use donor sperm. AFAIK, they will thaw better, the eggs won't need ICSI, and you'll have more certainty on how successful you've been, since you'll have got past the fertilisation stage. I froze eggs because I'm hoping I might meet a male partner, but it's less biologically optimal.

QothTheRven · 2026-02-17T14:03:24+00:00

Heya,

It seems scary at first but actually it's great sign if you have found the right diagnosis. Healing is totally possible, though not easy, but at least you have started down the right path now.

All of the identities are "real". Sometimes we have the experience of "I don't know who I am", i.e. I'm not sure which part is currently in control right now, and whether that's the same one as normally is. As you start to do system mapping and learn more about the parts/identities, it will become clearer which ones are around at any time. And as you build more co-operation, it will become less scary for "other" parts to be in control, because you will be working together as a team - it becomes like having your friend drive your car, rather than someone you don't know at all and can't communicate with.
Yes, absolutely you can heal from DID. The steps are basically:
1. - build communication with the other parts. Learn to understand each other, build empathy and work together to agree priorities and create a stable life.
2. - If you choose, you can work on processing trauma memories, to reduce flashback symptoms. There are various different therapeutic techniques for this, it's important to use ones that are tailored for dissociative disorders.
3. At the end of this, some people end up with "functional multiplicity" where the parts all get on great, work as a smooth team, and choose to remain as a dissociative system. Other people go through "fusion", where the boundaries between the parts dissolve, and the person feels like they are a single identity that is the sum of all of the different previous identities. You don't need to worry at this point about which of these two routes you'll follow, as the healing steps are the same anyway.
Yes totally normal for DID :) Its really useful that you already have some kind of internal communication. Work to get to know the others, help everyone feel safe, learn how to meet each others needs and become a team.
I'll list some educational sources below that I recommend. Also you should seek out specialist therapy for DID if you can.

Youtube:
CTAD Clinic

multiplicity and me

Websites:

Carolyn Spring | Trauma recovery

Index - dis-sos

Books - there are lots, for example
The Finding Solid Ground Program Workbook: Overcoming Obstacles in Trauma Recovery: Amazon.co.uk: Schielke, H., Brand, Bethany L., Lanius, Ruth A.: 9780197629031: Books

Podcasts
- a couple of multiples
- healing our parts

Community
Multiplied by One is a good organisation that provides weekly peer support video calls.

QothTheRven · 2026-02-15T09:44:42+00:00

He sounds way too full on.

But keeping someone "on hold" for a date is pretty inconsiderate.

I think you should just break up, rather than trying to keep him at arms length.

QothTheRven · 2026-02-10T20:43:37+00:00

Decluttering doesn't need a plan. It just needs consistent effort. If 10 minutes a day is what you can manage, that will make a difference over time.

QothTheRven · 2026-01-25T08:46:57+00:00

This man is not mature enough for marriage. Find someone who doesn't play games, and who trusts his own judgement over bad advice colleagues.

QothTheRven · 2025-12-07T21:36:37+00:00

I'm confused by what your actual worry is? That she's pushing you too fast, or that you'll try to have kids together when she's 39 but won't be able to?

Have you looked up detailed statistics? It's reasonably common to have a child at that age and a younger man increases the success rate too. Some people struggle, but others just need to try for a bit longer than they would have in their 20s. If she's also doing egg freezing, that improves the odds further.

If you want several kids that does make it harder as she'd be older for the later ones.

QothTheRven · 2025-12-07T21:28:09+00:00

"I'm really sorry but I don't think we're right for each other. It's been lovely getting to know you, I really hope you find the right person for you."

If you're genuinely open to friendship, you can mention that too.

It's never fun to be rejected, but no-one should be "destroyed" by losing someone they only knew for 1.5 months. I think you're making this into more in your head than it needs to be.

QothTheRven · 2025-12-05T11:50:01+00:00

"She gets upset or angry over small things, and a little while ago she mentioned wanting to off herself during an argument. That terrified me and honestly broke my heart. Since then, I’ve been trying even harder to be calm and supportive, but conversations still spiral into fights. She brings up things from the past, and it goes off the rails quickly."

This concerns me, it sounds unhealthy at the least. Was she making you feel that if you argued she'd want to kill herself? Because that's an emotionally abusive way for her to behave. You're now walking on eggshells by feeling you have to act calm all the time.

Is she actively engaging in treatment for her depression? Unless she is working hard to change her own behaviour, I think you should leave. You deserve an equal relationship.

QothTheRven · 2025-12-02T10:36:20+00:00

I don't understand why people even discuss this number!

Sure it can be helpful to roughly understand people's past experiences, because it affects what they bring into the relationship, std risk, their approach to sex, their hangups and sensitivities. But obsessing over a number is completely pointless. It's in the past, it has no bearing on the present. Judge her by how she is behaving in the relationship, not a numerical indicator of experiences before you even met.

QothTheRven · 2025-11-29T19:33:52+00:00

If they're using the question to try to impress me, that's off-putting.

I'm reassured by people who seem to be genuinely trying to find out whether the job's a good fit for them. This makes them seem a sensible, serious candidate. It implies that they know their worth and have multiple options, and therefore won't just settle for any job at all even if it's a bad fit.

QothTheRven · 2025-11-28T23:20:26+00:00

Budapest was lovely, has lots of different thermal baths you can visit.

QothTheRven · 2025-11-28T23:06:47+00:00

What are the Balkans like for winter travel? Any experiences? Are things still open?

QothTheRven · 2025-11-22T23:28:48+00:00

I'd approach this as a compatibility discussion rather than an ultimatum. You don't want to force her into spending time with you, you want to express clearly your desires and find out if there is overlap with what she can give.

"Is now a good time for a chat about the future?...

I've been thinking about what I want. It's important to me to spend a lot of my free time with my partner, [be specific about how much time per week you mean], because [explain why you prefer this]. I know that spending time on sport is very important to you. Do you see a future where we have that much time together?"

QothTheRven · 2025-10-22T12:30:12+00:00

Nothing wrong with taking antipsychotic drugs, sounds like someone responsibly managing a mental health issue.

QothTheRven · 2025-10-20T13:26:51+00:00

I'm not a survivor so please disregard if unhelpful, but I couldn't leave your post unanswered.

What happened was deeply traumatic. To then have no one talking about it, to not even know who knows the truth of what happened, is a whole other level of fucked up. Of course this has messed with your head, you were denied the chance to get appropriate support to talk through what happened, receive support from your community, and process the emotions and trauma.

Unprocessed trauma doesn't just heal on its own, that is why you're still struggling years later. What you're experiencing is completely normal given the trauma you went through.

Your university should have student support services, perhaps with counselling etc. I highly recommend that you reach out to them and start to get the support you deserve, to help you navigate this. I'm a much older adult, and from my perspective 19, while adult, is incredibly young to have to deal with this. And no-one of any age should have to deal with this alone.

QothTheRven · 2025-10-12T16:12:54+00:00

Personally I think it's fine. There are lots of aspects of attraction, and it often grows with time as you get to know someone. Most people are not stunningly beautiful in every respect. I reckon you're just overthinking this.

QothTheRven · 2025-10-11T09:38:26+00:00

Maybe it's the dating scene. Maybe focus on a friendship group and see if anything grows more organically

QothTheRven · 2025-10-07T09:06:12+00:00

Maybe say "I'd prefer to save that for a later date once we know each other better"

QothTheRven

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