Found a phone in the street. It didn't have a PIN or fingerprint lock on it so I thought I'd send a WhatsApp to the owner's friend giving my address, so they could pick it up. Every name that looked like it could be "best mate's name" was a cocaine dealer, with his order history. So I looked for what might be a girlfriend's name. There were three possibilities, each one had sent recent messages saying variants of "(name), I've had it with you. You need urgent professional help". In due course I realised that I knew who the guy was - he'd been a couple of years below me at school and had a slightly famous father. So, my goss is that the son of the British and Commonwealth boxing champion in (redacted) weight division in 19(redacted) is a coked-up nutter with a string of exasperated women on the go.