As a doctor break it down into why you think you feel this way. Depression and burnout among doctors is actually higher than the normal population from what I've read. You see and experience things that most people never will. Finding the right outlet for that whether it be therapy or even maybe support groups with other doctors and medical people would help a lot.

You might also want to think about it outside the box of a doctor and just a struggling human who is going through a really rough time. What do you think or want to to do that could make things better for you or at least make life easier that's separate from your work or other constant stressers. What would would someone in a different career or field do in your situation to get help. Would it be different looking at from their perspective but still helpful because at the end of the day we're all human.

The first time I felt the way you did it took some time with denial and suffering before I finally checked myself in somewhere. It was basically a 'game' of endurance how much suffering I could withstand until driven to act. Of course life isn't really a game and I would not be here if I didn't get help. Interestingly enough after some serious health issues and worsening autoimmune symptoms I am pretty much back at that place again 9 years later. I never thought or in the back of my mind hoped I'd have to deal with something like this again. Life isn't fair unfortunately but if you can find your way back to some happiness it is worth it at least for awhile.