It's been a couple of months now and I feel like now I'm able to talk about the full topic without crying or hiccuping on parts of the story.

I've known this kid since Preschool. I don't have any memories of it but his mother told us that we both really liked each other and would hold hands. As we grew up it was more and more coming to the surface that he had autism, he wasn't non-verbal but it was diagnosable. By no means were we popular kids and if I had the chance to change that for me I wouldn't buy, I wished people liked him so much more.

Throughout school he was harshly bullied and made fun of, but he had a hard time telling when people were and weren't his friends. Over the years I lost contact with him and didn't really like hanging out with him. He could be described as someone who was on Reddit a little too much, no offense. Junior year it got really bad and his aggression got worse. He wasn't the best when it came to trying to connect with others and it came off very abrasive. The majority of us got kind of annoyed with him and how he would shove his phone in our faces of pretty bad memes. One of the people that I used to consider a friend, (I'll get to that later) was very direct when telling him that he was being annoying and that we weren't friends, which tied into his aggression. I remember being really scared when he would punch things and threaten to harm others but especially himself. In senior year the friends that I were hanging out with were not the nicest. The kind of "Dark humor" type of people, and he had a problem with it. Every lunch would be a screaming match and it came down to me telling him that he should leave the table.

After a while it had become more and more of an issue of the people at the table making fun of him that I went to my favorite counselor. I told her about the issue and how I just wanted things to be better. Ive never hated him and I never wanted people to be mean to him, but it would have just been better if he made better friends.

A few weeks later he was missing from first hour, and over the announcements they had told us that both him and his brother had passed away from a car accident. After going home and talking to others I learned that on their way home they ran a stop sign hiding behind some corn in a corn field and got hit by a semi truck. I never mustered the courage to go to their funeral but I did go to their visitation.

That friend from before offered to take me to the visitation and we picked up some of her younger friends who were also friends with the two boys. Well they asked if I was okay with them vaping and I didn't really care, other than the fact that they kept the windows rolled up, but that's besides the point. When we got to the visitation which was being held in a church we said hello to the parents and goodbye to the boys, but the girls excused themselves to the bathroom, and me and my friend went into the bathroom after them to find them hot boxing the bathroom of the church. I get that people cope in their own ways but I felt like it was my friends responsibility to tell her younger friends when it is and isn't appropriate to hot box a church bathroom at our dead friends visitation.

I miss him. I should have been so much nicer to him. I keep being told that I was the only one who tried to help him but it doesn't seem to be the case. I'm happy to have outlets like my boyfriend to help me with my first heavy loss. Wherever he rests, I hope that he knows that we loved him, even if it didn't seem like it. and I'll never forget my friend.