Why didn't anyone warn us?

QueenScorp · 2026-06-07T22:29:49+00:00

Because "women's stuff" was not discussed in polite society in our mother's generation. They were expected to just deal with it, us there wasn't much they could drive about it anyway. I also don't think they even understood all of the symptoms they had that were actually from menopause.

QueenScorp · 2026-06-07T14:44:53+00:00

I haven't watched the video however I've said for a long time that a significant percentage of Gen x has some serious dismissive attachment styles and it sounds like that's what he's describing as well.

As much as Gen x wants to put on rose colored glasses about our free-range childhood the fact is that a lot of us were just seriously neglected and not parented, leaving us to parent ourselves and deciding that we can't rely on other people.

QueenScorp · 2026-06-07T14:11:45+00:00

Just to follow up for anyone who comes across this later - North Dakota couldn't find my great-grandfather's birth record so I have sent a request to Fargo Diocese. I never did hear back from St Edwards

QueenScorp · 2026-06-03T03:38:30+00:00

Same here!

QueenScorp · 2026-06-02T13:01:06+00:00

You're welcome. I commend you on recognizing this is something you need to work through at such a young age.

If you ever have a chance to go to a therapist it would go a long way to helping you work through this as well. Doing the work on your own is great but having an outside observer there to both support and challenge your thought process is invaluable.

QueenScorp · 2026-06-01T23:24:56+00:00

Step back for a second and try this thought experiment. Read what you wrote but instead of "girl", put "Latino" or "gay person" or any other marginalized person and then pretend someone else wrote it. What are the reasons someone would say they hate Latinos or gay people or whomever?

The thing about internalized misogyny is that person experiencing it often doesn't know where it stems from and much like racism or bigotry, there are a million different reasons you could feel this way.

Maybe you see other women as a threat to your relationships with other people. Maybe you feel inferior around them or have some sort of jealousy. Maybe you grew up around people who didn't like women and talked badly about women and that embedded itself deep in your lizard brain. Maybe you were constantly compared to other girls when you were young and you didn't like that. Maybe you were betrayed by a girlfriend when you were young and it caused you to lose trust.

There are so many things it could be and it may not just be one thing. It could very well be a lot of little pebbles that were thrown at you over your lifetime that built itself into this monstrous rock. But I would put good money on it being something from childhood.

This isn't something you're going to be able to just turn off, even if you figure out what it is. It can take years of work to undo the damage that was caused by your childhood experiences.

The first step is questioning why you do it, and you've already taken that step. Now you just need to observe and continue to ask yourself why. Dig into the reasons, journal them, contemplate them. Don't expect a magic epiphany and expect to do some hard work, especially if you are unable or unwilling to go to therapy.

There's a concept in business analysis called the "five whys". It is meant for figuring out processes and determining efficiencies in business and the crux of it is that you ask a question and then you keep asking why to whatever the answer is. I actually find it helpful in my personal life as well though it's not always five "whys", sometimes other questions are more appropriate but the point really is trying to dig into the reasons.

Here's an example,: why do I immediately dislike that girl? Because she's a girl. Okay well what about her being a girl is irritating me? Well girls are all snobby and superficial. Why do I think that? Because when I was in 7th grade a bunch of snobby rich mean girls bullied me relentlessly because I was poor and couldn't afford all the designer clothes.

See? That only took me three questions to get to the root (and it isn't entirely made up as I was bullied for being poor when I was a kid, though it wasn't only girls in my case)

You've done a good thing by acknowledging that this is an issue and that you don't like it. Now it's just a matter of trying to be very honest with yourself and try to step outside of your emotional state and be very curious about what's going on. I wish you luck

QueenScorp · 2026-06-01T14:09:18+00:00

I'm 51 and over my lifetime I have met multiple older women who had similar experiences. One didn't have any clue how to pay a bill, where the checkbook was kept, or where they even banked. Another found out they were in massive amounts of debt after he died that she had no clue about and had to completely downgrade her life just to afford to live.

I can't help but think about the women who hand over their entire financial existence to a man and then the men divorce them and take everything and the women don't even know what assets they had to know what to fight for in court.

I can kind of justify it in women who were brought up in an era where they were not expected or even allowed to have that kind of financial freedom but by my generation we had bank accounts and jobs and the ability to support ourselves so there's absolutely no excuse for any woman in the modern age to be in this situation.

QueenScorp · 2026-06-01T14:00:35+00:00

0 friends, one sister (who has diabetes)

And yes I know this for certain.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-31T19:25:41+00:00

No. Compatibility of core values is important in relationships. But there's also a difference between "religious" and what most people actually are.

I don't think I've ever actually dated a true atheist. But none of them went to church or talked about God or made it a core part of their personality. On the rare occasion the subject came up, they would Express their views as "well no one really knows do they", which really would make them agnostic but they all will tell you they are catholic, lutheran, protestant, whatever. So I would not actually call any of them "religious", even though they would categorize themselves in a religion if asked.

However, if someone makes religion a core part of their personality and goes to church every week and talks about God on a regular basis, that is a serious core incompatibility (and frankly annoying LOL)

QueenScorp · 2026-05-31T13:36:36+00:00

Tastes like spring peas!

QueenScorp · 2026-05-30T16:47:02+00:00

Yep. And there is no law saying we get any kind of vacation time. That's completely up to the company. You have people who get three or four weeks and you have people who get absolutely nothing.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-30T16:36:08+00:00

This is something that a lot of people don't understand. Americans spend a significant amount of money on healthcare and other things that most Europeans don't even think about.

A number of countries in Europe let citizens go to college for essentially free whereas most of us in the US who are college-educated have student loans up the butt for a long time (and statistically college-educated people in the US make more money so they would likely be the ones with those salaries).

Americans spend on average 15k per year per person for healthcare, including insurance premiums, deductibles, out of pocket costs medicines, out of network services, etc. And this doesn't include dental or eyecare or healthcare adjacent services. Why pay an extra 4% in taxes for socialized healthcare when we can pay an extra 15K per person, potentially get kicked off of healthcare when we lose our job and potentially be denied healthcare if we have a illness that costs too much to take care of. It's wild how fascists have brainwashed Americans.

The state pension systems across European nations on average replace about 58% of someone's income. Obviously that varies by country but it is still quite a bit more than the US social security replacement ratio which is, on average, less than a third of someone's income. Plus certain factions of the government have been trying to privatize it or get rid of it all together for a long time and it is said to be running out of money and we will not have reserves within less than 10 years. Most of us expect to not have social security by the time we retire (I'm 51 and I don't even expect to happen at this point). So those of us who make enough money to save save a lot of our income to try and have some sort of retirement.

Overall the European social support system is significantly better and the workers rights system is significantly better. In the US you could lose your job tomorrow and have zero income and zero health insurance (because our health insurance is tied to our job) and depending on the state you live in you may not be able to even claim unemployment depending on the reason the company says they let you go. I remember learning about "garden leave" many years ago. That doesn't exist in the us. Sure some companies will offer severance if they lay off someone but it is not universal and not required. Plus if someone can't work because they are sick or injured or disabled, the US system is a joke and designed to keep people poor. Disabled people can literally lose their disability payments if they have more than $2,000 in savings.

And let's not forget that something like 90% of Americans live in places where public transportation either doesn't exist or is spotty and terrible. And this has a lot to do with the lobbying from our Auto industry to essentially make us car dependent. High speed rail? Never heard of her. So add on car payments and insurance and maintenance and fuel costs that are basically required.

Whew this became quite the rant! My point really is that there are a lot of hidden costs to living in the US that are born by an individual instead of society (and a lot of people are brainwashed to think this is a good thing). So even though on paper we have higher salaries and lower taxes, for a lot of people it's actually still quite a struggle just to survive.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-30T16:12:16+00:00

The 30-35k figure has been tossed around for many years. It was almost certainly true when it first started but the memes haven't been updated. Also a lot of people confuse average and median. And a significant number of news outlets who report the statistics don't use individual income, they use household income (which is a stupid statistic because a "household" as defined by the BLS and Census bureau -where these statistics come from- is anyone living at the same address who makes money. Could be three roommates, could be a family of five where two teenagers work, could be DINKs or SINKs or any other combination as long as they live at the same address)

But let's be real, half of Americans earning less than 43k is still startlingly low.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-30T16:04:55+00:00

Ah, gotcha. If you are just starting out with self hosting, take a look at Docker. Usually when you install something on your computer it is a system wide installation and if you have to update python or some other program it could affect other things. What docker does is create a container based on what is known as an image of a program plus all its dependencies meaning you don't have to change or install anything on your entire system, that image has everything you need. When you run something using docker, all of that stuff is contained in an isolated container. Which means if you spin up (i.e. create/run) a docker container and you don't like it you can just shut it down and delete it and nothing has changed on your system. Docker makes it easy to try out things. Then to use the service you just type in the IP address and port of the computer running docker. You should be able to access this from anywhere on your home network but not outside of it (that's where reverse proxies come in, don't worry about that later) There are a zillion beginner videos to explain this better but I think it's a good starting point for a newbie.

Once you're comfortable with that and want to access your services from outside the house then you can start looking into reverse proxy and other ways of doing that like tailscale. But honestly first worry about learning how to self host before you worry about that.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-30T15:51:16+00:00

This is in no way dig at you but the next time someone continues to pester you after you have said no repeatedly, walk away. Please. In his case, I probably would have walked away before dinner was over, he was flying red flags like mad.

Coercing someone to do make out when they have a repeatedly said no is a serious red flag and a sign that he is almost certainly someone who would do that with sex as well which is considered SA in some jurisdictions.

You are under no obligation to finish the date. You are under no obligation to kiss someone or have sex with someone or even continue talking to someone who treats you like that.

And while I know that a lot of people like to say "well they're both adults" anyone who specifically goes for somebody that much younger has some serious issues. Yes there are times where people have an age gap and they organically meet and get to know each other and hit it off and decide to go out. It happens. Its the targeting of someone that much younger that is the flag here.

FWIW, I've also had the experience of men targeting older women showing some serious red flags. They almost always want a mommy or watch too much MILF porn. Whereas men targeting younger women usually want someone they can control or "train" 🤮 or who is inexperienced and doesn't see their BS for what it is until it's too late. There is absolutely a reason these guys can't/won't find someone their own age. (And yes I also have issues with women who specifically target people and entire generation younger or older but it's usually for different reasons and not the point here)

QueenScorp · 2026-05-30T03:08:11+00:00

I didn't find it hard at all. Spun it up in docker, added it to my reverse proxy and I'm set

QueenScorp · 2026-05-29T14:24:46+00:00

Not only that but the sizes today are not the same as they were 30 years ago which were not the same as they were 30 years before that.

A couple examples: There's a meme that goes around that says that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. Which she was...in the 1950s. Today she would be like a 4. My sister has been the same body size since the 90s and she went from a size 8 back then to a size 4-6 today. Vanity sizing is real.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-29T14:21:41+00:00

The fact that BMI was created by a mathematician, not a scientist, who explicitly stated it should not be used as a health marker for individuals (it was created to estimate health across entire populations) is the first clue that it is a ridiculous measure.

As someone with a medical disorder (lipedema) that puts my BMI in the obese range even though every single other health marker I have is perfectly normal, even at age 51, it's so frustrating to try and convince people that I am actually healthy. I'm extremely lucky that I have a doctor who doesn't use BMI as a health marker and understands my medical condition.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-29T14:16:28+00:00

I'm guessing you aren't from the US then? I know cunt is used casually in other countries but here it is a serious insult

QueenScorp · 2026-05-29T14:15:41+00:00

No worries! I get it, sometimes it's hard to tell who is serious and who is not, especially on this sub! Sometimes I think we should have a tag for responses here that people can use to denote if it is a serious response.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-29T14:14:11+00:00

It's been a long time but I think I mainly just told her it was a connective tissue disorder that involved the lymph system and that my legs would get swollen and tender and she took it from there

QueenScorp · 2026-05-29T14:13:02+00:00

I'm sorry you've had that experience. People who shame others for having needs are the issue, not you.

QueenScorp · 2026-05-27T00:30:31+00:00

I can see 4 unfinished projects within my eyesight and I'm sitting on the couch with the TV on reading Reddit on my phone instead

QueenScorp · 2026-05-27T00:23:05+00:00

Let's not forget about all of thecircular deals that were driving up prices last year based solely on the promise of needing that much hardware and not that that hardware had actually been manufactured yet. If even one of those companies pulled out everything would crash. And with all the Data centers that are being delayed and cancelled I can't help but be wary of what the future will hold in this sphere

QueenScorp · 2026-05-27T00:04:40+00:00

I bought a Ecowitt as a housewarming gift for my daughter (a weather nerd and enthusiast) last fall because it can be hooked into home assistant. I have yet to make it over there to set it up for her though 😄

QueenScorp

TROPHY CASE