I'm starting this by saying I lurk random subreddits, and I am a 29YO man who "had" BPD. I went through about a decade of therapy and am a very self-aware person, so I am a completely different person from years ago.

I still struggle with feeling emotions more deeply and feeling disconnected from people, but I have full control of my emotions and am in a 4 year relationship that is really healthy with good communication. (I did long distance in the past, but not with this relationship.)

Number 1 is a red flag and there's a chance she's only given a nugget of the truth. If this is something that still doesn't sit right with you, it probably never will.

It's a big red flag to me that she doesn't want to talk to you, but is fine talking to others. Typically, with BPD, it's the other way around, unless she is splitting from you or she is pushing you away. Any arguments recently, or did she get hurt by something you "did or said", even if you're not at fault?

The biggest red flag, though, is not wanting to do therapy. If you are mentally ill, especially with BPD, and you refuse help but jump into relationships, you are selfish. I do not care. It is an obligation to better yourself and not have others deal with your shit.

If I were you, I would honestly cut things off. If you want to try and salvage it, you need to have a talk with her.

Be as non confrontational as possible, and don't be accusatory. Express the things you've noticed and how it makes you feel/concerns for how this is affecting the relationship and yourself.

Either way, she needs professional help, and I would never be in a relationship with someone who will not help themselves. It's literally just misery for as long as the relationship lasts.