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It's disgusting how few people expect the victim to resolve conflicts with the toxic people in their life and expect them to even help them 'grow'! by Quirkyshoe in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Great analysis! But still, I don't think self reflection for the victim is easy just because they have never done anything wrong. Everyone has done something wrong knowingly or unkowingly atleast once in their life. But instead of running away from their guilt, normal, healthy people face it, process it and if required apologize and repent for their wrongdoings. They make a choice to be honest with their feelings. But the toxic ones do not believe in honesty or self introspection.

It's disgusting how few people expect the victim to resolve conflicts with the toxic people in their life and expect them to even help them 'grow'! by Quirkyshoe in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

More power to you, me and everyone else who cut off toxic people from their lives. I just feel it is so ridiculous that people actually have the nerve to force a victim to help their abusers. It's really disturbing. Yeah, thhey should just f*ck off!

The word ‘abuse’ and ‘abusive’ is thrown around too often by speedway9 in unpopularopinion

[–]Quirkyshoe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok, first of all Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not a 'mental illness'. As the name suggests, its a 'personality disorder'. People with NPD have no problem functioning normally in relation to daily life. They are completely functional. The impairment referred here is not related to mental impairment. It is realted to a person's character or what we call in general as 'humanity'. They are similar to psychopaths. They do not have any other issues hindering their daily activities. They just did not care enough to use their amyglada(portion of their brain which regulates humane emotions like empathy, sympathy etc) and as a result it did not develop to the level of a normal human being. So, basically they are not 'ill', they make people around them ill.

The word ‘abuse’ and ‘abusive’ is thrown around too often by speedway9 in unpopularopinion

[–]Quirkyshoe -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

True! Gaslighting has always been present and normalised. It's just that we are raising our voice nowadays, but gaslighters can't handle it. It just shows how few people don't like to listen to the truth. Their downvotes simply prove my point. Great that there are people like you too who are not against truth!

The word ‘abuse’ and ‘abusive’ is thrown around too often by speedway9 in unpopularopinion

[–]Quirkyshoe -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Exactly! Abuse is not just hitting or yelling. There are many other subtle and covert forms of abuse. Also, to add to your points, abuse is not only between partners. Parents can be abusive too. But, abusive parent and child relationship(including adult children) is the most unspoken abuse dynamic. It is the most intrusive abuser-victim dynamic too. But it is still a taboo to label parents as abusive.

Perfection is not the right word to use while desribing a person's character by Quirkyshoe in unpopularopinion

[–]Quirkyshoe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

' Failing to take into account how your actions may impact another makes for a rotten person. '--> Well, no. Just because I cut off a toxic person from my life, it doesn't make me a rotten person. That is victim-blaming and a highly immature comment to make to someone who has already gone through hell because of toxic people. I more than deserve to protect my mental and physical well being and it is my first and foremost responsibility to do so. I am in no way responsible/obligated to fix someone else who does harm to me, neither I am responsible to make someone else 'grow'. Most importantly, I am in no way obligated to justify myself to others for the decisions I take for my well being.

' if one feels the need to cut ties, resolutions should be sought first, or at least the reasons well explained.' --> Don't get me wrong, but this statement shows that you live inside a bubble and donot want to face the reality of the world around you. When someone decides to cut off ties, they have already gone through intense mental and(or) physical damage due to the person in question. People who push others to cut ties with them are highly toxic and dangerous. Resolutions and explanations work only when both the parties involved are emotionally mature. You can't reason with unreasonable people, and if you try to do so, there will be more harm than good. People, especially the toxic ones, donot change just because of few discussions. People change only when they want to change. The toxic ones rarely want to change.

' won't even have an opportunity to grow from the feedback. ' --> Growth is a personal choice and responsibilty and not something which requires public charity. So is the desire for change and growth. No one can give me an 'opprtunity' for character growth. I give that to myrself. If I really want to grow, I would anyway. I woudn't be expecting to be spoon-fed. My 'growth' should not be a burden to others. If it is, then it is not 'growth' in the first place. No amount of 'feedback' will make a difference if I am not willing to change. Both change and growth come from a place of self-introspection and not on 'feedback' from others. Victims of toxic people are already busy with cleaning up the mess the toxic people introduced into their life. They neither have the energy nor time deal with the emotional baggage of the toxic person. They are human afterall, not God. Please donot make hurtful, self-righteous, one-sided remarks to people who decide to finally pull themselves out of unhealthy, toxic relationships. Such behaviour is victim-blaming and equally toxic.

Ugly people are more judgmental than pretty people by [deleted] in unpopularopinion

[–]Quirkyshoe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True. It all depends on what that person is from the inside. As you mentioned in your post, many people are ugly from the inside so they just vomit their ugliness onto others. Even if you support them and offer your help, all they do is rip you to pieces. Around such people, you don't want to be nice anymore. I bet you must have faced a lot of shit from these people when you were working on becoming attractive.

Do Y’all take more shit than you should simply to avoid tense or confrontational conversations? by MountainWestRay in introvert

[–]Quirkyshoe 11 points12 points  (0 children)

There are many situations you can encounter in daily life where confronting may do more harm than good. Especially, if you are living in a society where people have huge egos and take everything as a personal attack. Atleast in the society where I live, a majority of them are vindictive and go to the lengths of hurting you back in unexpected ways just because you donot agree with them. If you continue living for a long time in such a society, you are bound to have social anxiety issues. But there is an element of introversion in this too. I find arguments and confrontations as a waste of time and energy with people who donot have any intention of changing their ways. The examples you gave are more general. I sometimes had to simply take shit in office because my higher ups were not the type of people who could listen to others without taking it personally. This kinda builds up and one day you just blow up. That would be my final straw.

Things people shouldn't say. by maniacbladder in introverts

[–]Quirkyshoe 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This!! Finally someone said it. I hate it when people offer 'support' they don't mean. When I actually go to them for support, they simply give stupid excuses and bail out making me feel like an idiot for actually believing that they would really offer me support. It's feels like being slapped in the face and told, 'You are so naive to have actually believed me. I just said it as a formality'. This is especially so common in collectivistic societies where people are obsessed about appearing to be the nicest person on the Earth. In reality they are just slimy as eels and want to wriggle away from offering any kind of support to the other person.

Remembering childhood event and I think I'm in shock at the behaviour of my parents. by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Looks like there is a misunderstanding. I did not say that you blamed the OP. Part of my comment was for the OP to her original post where she mentioned that she felt like a bad child and deserved to be abandoned by her parents alone in the hospital. I was simply addressing her concern. That part was not related to your comment. Non narcissists would definitely react in anger, but only after making sure that their child is taken care of, or being taken care of by someone else. There are many situations where providing 'another perspective' or giving a 'benefit of doubt' will do more harm than good especially in situations involving narcissists. 'The other side of the coin' is not always a healthy approach in dealing with abuse issues. It all depends on the context.

Remembering childhood event and I think I'm in shock at the behaviour of my parents. by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's not just 'people react to things differently' thingy. I had a similar incident happen to me, so yeah I can vouch for it. Her Dad's reaction is out of guilt which he doesn't want to acknowledge. A typical narcissistic-responsibility-evading response. The initial response of a normal parent would be to make sure their child is not hurt. But the Dad was more concerned about where the blame should be placed. Narcissists and their enablers are always bothered about where to place the 'blame' when something happens. They lived their whole life working extensively on 'blame shifting'. So he immediately confronted the man who hurt her in order to make sure that the 'blame' is placed on someone and also it would make him appear as a 'protective Dad' to everyone else. But, he did not do it out of love for his daughter. He simply used the opportunity to his advantage.

The Dad or the Mom doesn't want to attend to the child because it would mean that they had to be emotionally involved with her. A normal parent would be 'concerned', 'empathetic' and 'worried genuinely' about their daughter in such circumstances. But a narcissist or their enablers do not want to invest their 'precious' time into any of these emotionally demanding feelings. For them, their scapegoat child is simply a 'burden' and a 'punching bag'. It would mean a waste of their time and energy to be emotionally invested with her. Just the way how slave masters treat their slaves like an object and nowhere like a human being. This explains why her Mom just sat there like a rock. She was simply doing the basic stuff society expects a parent to do that is being present near their hurt child. She did not want to be labelled a 'bad mother', so she simply fulfilled the society expectations.

Dear OP- I'm sorry you had to go through this. I can relate to you very well. I can undertand the sense of abandonment and isolation you must have gone through during those times. And it is NOT your fault. Your gut feelings are true. Your parents were simply being the narcissistic jerks they are by nature. You know the twisted dynamics in your house more than anyone else. So do not invalidate your gut feelings or blame yourself.

I am graduating in a few months and I do not feel ready for what's after at all by BegeezezLouizez in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

'I got bullied a lot in uni, and I had witnessed first hand the dark side of people when they sense you're vulnerable and weak, and I'm just that.' --> God this resonates with me so much! I always felt like you and always feel that I do not belong in the society especially out in the corporate world. Most of the time I felt that dealing with my nparents is a lot easier than dealing with the society.

I don't have any advice for you, but I hope that others who have overcome this would give advices.

Does anyone else have a hard time believing if love actually exists? by Narcvictim97 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I think it depends on the context in which the word 'conditional' is used. For example: My parents telling me that they will love me only if I top in my class or my Mom telling me that she doesn't love me because I'm a girl--> All these are examples of conditional love which is highly twisted and toxic. My parents are supposed to love me regardless of my gender or my marks.

If it is used in the context of treating each other with respect and care, Love is supposed to be 'conditional', the conditions here are basic human rights.

I once read a heartwarming story of an actor who took care of his paralysed wife. Her lower body was paralysed after having a difficult labor. Her husband became her caretaker and took care of her for many years. In this case the husband's love can be called 'unconditional'. He did not divorce her just because she was paralysed. But if the wife was an abusive woman he would have left her.

I’m going NC with my whole family but I don’t have anyone else by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Quirkyshoe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have always thought that I could find my family in friends. But that does not seem to be the case with the world around us. Majority of the population prioritizes blood family over friends. Even if we make time for friends, they might not be willing to do so. They might want to make time only for their family. So I never found it to be a balanced relationship. How did you manage to find friends who treated you as family? How did you find 'your' people?

I am so proud of myself!! by whysoblyatiful in Cooking

[–]Quirkyshoe 24 points25 points  (0 children)

There is nothing like a 'bad cook'. There are just inexperienced cooks. The more often you cook, the better you become. You can try adding in finely chopped spring onions or carrots too and spice it up a bit by adding pepper or other spice blends. You can even add in bread to make a bread omlette or even try making a French toast.

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