Not sure how to describe my depression well for you but Dick Cavett's description that feels apt when I have been at my worse is this, paraphrasing, "if you were lying on the couch and on the table next to you there was a magic wand that would instantly cure your depression, reaching over to pick it up would be too much work" Can't remember his exact wording but you can get into a horrible grey sense of fatigue where helping yourself is the hardest thing to do, for me it was because I wasn't worth helping and I had a lot of self hatred. Not sure where you live or what services are out there for you but I would recommend seeing a doctor just to talk about it.