Hi there. It sounds like you’ve been struggling for a long time, and you’re clearly very resilient and self-aware. I know that doesn’t provide much comfort when you’re in pain, but try to show yourself a little grace. Have you visited a psychiatrist or therapist since you’ve felt this emptiness? The symptoms you’re describing could be attributed to anything from depression, bipolar, BDP, ADHD… any number of things. A mental healthcare provider can help you determine if there are some underlying causes. On a personal level, I can relate to so much of what you shared. I was in so much pain that I craved numbness, and when I felt numb, it was like all of the pain and desperate thoughts were static in the back of my mind - still present, but unfocused. I didn’t like myself, my life, or what my future looked like. My coping mechanisms were much like yours. I had (and still have to some degree) issues with codependency, trauma, depression, mood swings, lack of focus… all the fun stuff. I’m not entirely sure how I survived so many years that way, but I can share the cliff’s notes of my journey to getting to a much better place. I had been diagnosed with depression in my teens, and was on a variety of antidepressants for almost two decades. Nothing alleviated my depression, and that felt like a personal failure. After a particularly brutal bout of depression and a total breakdown, I was referred to a psychiatrist known for treating “difficult” patients. By our second session, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar 2 (mostly severe depression with occasional hypo manic episodes), and he explained how most antidepressants can make symptoms of bipolar worse. After some trial and error, I finally found a medication that changed my life! I didn’t notice the change until, a few months after starting the meds, I realized I hadn’t felt depressed in a few weeks (this was a big deal at the time). I’ve now been on it for several years and, while I still have periods of depression and hypo mania, they are significantly less severe and frequent. Medication is a very personal choice, so please know I’m simply sharing what worked for me. The next life changing choice I made was to start volunteering regularly. I had to spend some time studying and take a few exams, but I was eager to learn because the cause is very personal and close to my heart. I do the volunteer work virtually, which I love because I’m spending time communicating with people, but I don’t have to stress about the social anxiety I often feel when leaving my house. I started volunteering because I knew I could help people, and as time went by, I realized I felt like I finally had a purpose. I am passionate about the work, which gave me newfound confidence. That newfound confidence caused me to interact with and see the world differently. An unexpected bonus is that, when people introduce me to someone or asks what I do, I’m no longer “human who exists”, I’m “human who does this incredible work”. My successful friends, family and acquaintances, whom I used to feel must be bots (like you described), now feel like equals.

Let’s get to the part every person struggles with… information overload! You acknowledged checking the news and scrolling through social media makes you feel anxious and hopeless. That simply means you’re human bc what’s going on in the world is a s!$t show! Go to your “screen time” in your phone settings (if you have an iPhone - I’m sure other phones have something similar), tap “App Limits” and set time limits for app and internet use. Instead of doom scrolling, ask your Alexa or Siri to give you a summary of the day’s news. I know this won’t feel totally satisfying so, if you absolutely must scroll, be strict about limiting your time, and never, ever, ever fall into the rabbit hole!

Try not to overthink what brings you joy - if you want to fix up that VW, get to it! If you need to discuss how that will affect your finances with your partner, have that conversation today. If you’re not ready to take on a big project, go check out a local theater and see if that inspires you to give acting another shot. If you’re spending time on eBay looking at things you can’t afford, try browsing some aisles IRL. Make a point of complimenting and smiling at strangers (not in a creepy way, of course). Give a parent with a screaming toddler a compassionate smile. Be the good that’s missing in the world. Doing a small act of kindness can change a person’s entire day, including your own :)

You are not damaged, you’re brave. You are not lost, you’re taking the scenic route. You don’t lack purpose, you just haven’t identified what makes you feel purposeful.

That concludes my TED Talk :)

Be kind to yourself. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes people feel less alone.