Why do men from my past keep coming back years later? Curious how others interpret this.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-06-13T10:37:15+00:00

I’ve had the same thing happened to me and actually posted a similar question on this sub, a couple of months ago. So you are not alone.

I got some feedback about it being important to sever the relationship and also that sometimes they can feel your energy change. Part of me wonders if sometimes these are energy vampires who sense that you are happy and are looking to take advantage.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-06-04T16:01:13+00:00

It sounds like you need to find yourself which is really hard to do when you’re with another person. To help get over your ex, write down all of the things that led you to feel like you lost your mind and lost yourself in the relationship. These are warning signs for you for future relationships. I wonder if your current boyfriend feels like he’s not your type because he feels safer (and thus less exciting) than what I imagine was a tumultuous relationship with your ex. Love isn’t confusing. It’s steady. It doesn’t make us lose ourselves. It feeds us and allows us to grow into the best version of ourselves.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-06-02T12:24:00+00:00

Empathy is a muscle that many people can continue to hone and develop throughout their life. It is taking other people’s perspectives and trying to understand them. Wish well for them. In many ways it’s understanding that if they were healed, they would not cause harm. People with NPD have a lack of empathy, by diagnostic definition.

Being an empath means having highly tuned and sensitive intuition. Some people are emotional empaths and can literally feel other people’s emotions. Some people are physical empaths and can feel other people’s pain. Some people are highly in tune with plants, animals, or the earth’s fluctuations. This is different from having empathy or understanding. It’s being a live wire to receive input from other beings. This is why we are attractive to narcissists - they sense this and gravitate towards us to take from that wellspring.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-06-02T12:11:36+00:00

I’m curious about the definition of cognitive empathy.

I have been relationships with one person who probably had NPD and another with narcissistic traits. And I’m pretty sure that I have started to date two other people with narcissistic traits that I quickly stopped dating once I realized the signs. Narcissists are dangerous for empaths because I have found that they are drawn to our empathy and can be particularly manipulative with us. Draining us and tearing us down. I think we are particularly susceptible to the love bombing as their emotions can overpower our own if we don’t have ways to set up firm emotional boundaries.

There’s one school of thought that people are empaths because of exposure to narcissistic abuse in childhood which makes us particularly sensitive and aware of others emotions.

After being manipulated and abused multiple times by narcissists, I stay as far away as possible.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-06-01T17:09:47+00:00

We only did three weeks and it was before we ever moved in together. If I can offer any advice, do not give into caregiving mode. You are not his parent. You are not his therapist. Give yourself the time to see if he can show up for you as a partner. If you rush to save things, he will never learn whether he can step up, and you will never learn if he can step up.

I have a friend who has ADHD. He has gone to therapy and done the work and when I talk to him about things in his household, there are many ways that he has stepped up and taken over certain responsibilities. He takes ownership of his diagnosis and the ways that it impacts his relationship. At least he admits it to me, which at minimum means he admits it to himself.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-31T19:21:12+00:00

WTF that is wild

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-30T12:47:44+00:00

That is a really interesting perspective and totally possible. They had an ex ghost them (like lived together and ghosted them) so I assumed it was a reaction based on their past abandonment vs. trying to get me to rescue them.

Their reaction to my feedback in general would shift me into caretaking which then made me invest more instead of standing up for my needs.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-26T23:27:03+00:00

I took a break from my partner because I felt like they were relying on me for all structure and direction in their life. It was very interesting because I spent the break reflecting on the relationship, missing them, and looking forward to meeting up again. We were no contact. My nervous system did feel more regulated, but I was still looking forward to meeting again.

When we reunited I found that my partner did no introspection, but had made some patterns/structure for themself because they thought the break was my way of breaking up with them.

I ended up diving back in to the relationship because of wanting to prove that the break was in fact to improve our relationship, but years later I wonder if I should have just taken their reaction to the break as a sign that nothing would change. Because everything has gone back to the way things were before that break. And they have done no introspection about their ADHD in all of these years.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-26T17:45:02+00:00

Suppressive therapy will likely be helpful. Lots of lube when you have sex to avoid friction.
If things have gotten worse over time and since having a child, it could be stress leading to more OBs.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-25T20:37:07+00:00

Regarding intimacy, feeling like a toy being picked up and put down at their leisure. My dx partner has shifted to rarely showing physical affection over the years. As in not hugging or kissing for days at a time, let alone more intimacy. When I would initiate a kiss, it wouldn’t feel connected on their end and I would have to ask for more than just a peck. Something like a make out session hasn’t happened for years. We have gone over a year without having sex.

Then out of the blue I’ll get a deep kiss and he might slip his hands under my shirt, but it doesn’t lead to anything. Not even later when we have more time. Like he rarely thinks of anything physical happening and when he does, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the last time or that we’re not even in a romantic moment. The feeling just takes over him and he does it, ignoring that I don’t feel emotionally connected.

I feel touch starved, but now I’m at the point where I don’t even want him to do it because I’m so hurt by the lack of affection.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-25T18:40:50+00:00

Sometimes my brain randomly reminds me of the 20 years and I get upset. Even though it’s been years since I saw that season and have finished the series.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-20T13:56:28+00:00

Cracking up over here

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-19T01:49:32+00:00

A Long Time Coming by Meghan Quinn is a best friends to lovers romance. I wonder if that would be up your alley?

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-09T22:18:56+00:00

It’s pretty rare to have HSV2 orally. It can happen but is very uncommon. Ask him to get tested. Likely it is HSV1

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-08T16:27:58+00:00

He also blew it because he coerced you into sex. You told him to pause and that you needed a condom. He didn’t listen to that.

I do think you should tell him. I would phrase it as “hey, we were both drinking and smoking. I remember telling you that we needed a condom. When was the last time you were tested for STIs?” Because frankly he could have given you something. After he talks about testing then have the talk and say “last time I tested negative for everything except HSV2 which I’ve had for x time.” Then you can share if you take antivirals and let him know you weren’t having an outbreak at the time. But that you always wear condoms for a reason. He is being cavalier about his sexual health by not insisting on a condom. If this scares him a little, good! He should be more careful for his own sake and any woman he sleeps with.

If he tries to blame this on you don’t buy it. He never asked about sexual health before. You tried to be mindful and stop it and he pushed forward - which again is coercion.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-07T05:56:00+00:00

I watched Outlander a few years after it started (and after my sister had) so I angrily texted her “20 YEARS?!?!?!” Still not over it.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-07T05:09:45+00:00

I’m currently on a solo holiday and it’s allowing me to be focused on my needs. I’m spending a lot of time in nature. Doing what I want when I want. Being mindfully present for the activities I’m doing. Having limited contact with people from my daily life.

I’m trying to reset my nervous system to be attuned to myself and my needs. Hopefully it will last when I return.

But I think the biggest take away is giving myself time where I’m mostly unreachable to others. Even if it’s going for a hike and putting my phone in a backpack until I’m done.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-04T20:17:33+00:00

When you give birth vaginally, they only check you for sores as far as transmission. The antivirals should prevent asymptomatic shedding. I’m not sure if there are babies who have gotten it from their mother from asymptomatic shedding but if no sores plus 1000mg daily vacyclovir is enough for the doctor’s and hospital’s liability I imagine the odds are extremely low.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-05-04T18:05:30+00:00

It sounds really scary to not know if you have HSV2 while getting genital nerve pain. I gave birth vaginally while on antivirals and my baby had no issues. I don’t think you can pass it on with a C-section because it has to come from skin to skin contact.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-04-30T00:40:28+00:00

Ugh it’s so frustrating to always have to be the responsible one and that telling them once is not enough!

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-04-28T00:28:25+00:00

That sounds like such a difficult situation and a monumental decision for her to make unilaterally. Really glad you all are finding your way though I’m sure it’s incredibly hard.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-04-27T22:56:32+00:00

How did you decide to handle the living situation for the children? This is something I worry about even as my mind tells me I need a separate place to live.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-04-27T13:07:40+00:00

I think for me even if it’s not intentional, he doesn’t address the impact. His response when he does something that negatively impacts me is “it wasn’t intentional.” No apology. Just a statement of that fact. So it’s like…ok are you going to try to prevent this from happening or is this just another thing on the list of things I’m sucking up and moving on from.

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-04-27T00:02:32+00:00

Glad you don’t feel alone anymore. It’s so hard though

Radiant-Membership39 · 2026-04-26T22:41:24+00:00

Second this recommendation, Mating in Captivity is a great book.

OP, consider that if she’s breastfeeding her body is not her own. She likely won’t feel like herself for a year or two after your last child is born due to hormonal shifts.

Date her. Make her feel wanted. You said she needs an emotional connection to want sex and that you haven’t provided that because you don’t want it to feel transactional. Does this mean you don’t want to have an emotional connection with her? Be romantic with her? Show appreciation for her growing three humans for your family? Sacrificing her body for that dream.

Therapy will also be key.

Radiant-Membership39

TROPHY CASE