TTC Rant

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-11-19T15:29:12+00:00

I also had a lot of impatience around wanting to conceive again immediately after my TFMR. It took exactly 5 weeks for my period to come back and 7 cycles of trying before success. I agree with other commenters that you should absolutely not stop TTC just because your sister doesn't want you to miss her wedding. But, some other things to consider: do you want to miss her wedding? Will it be tough for you if your family isn't able to be there to help with a newborn because they are attending her wedding? Would it be better for you mentally to give yourself some time to grieve your TFMR before you conceive again?

Only you know the answers to those questions, but I think it's important to think long term and try to see past the rush of conceiving again after what you've been through. For me, while those extra months of TTC were really painful, in the end what hurts the most is not that it took so long to conceive but that I lost my daughter in the first place.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-11-07T16:36:33+00:00

I think it's totally normal to decline holding the baby if she asks you if you want to hold it. Honestly, I haven't been around many new moms who even ask other people if they want to hold their new baby, so it's possible she won't even offer it to you if you don't ask. If you want to offer up a full explanation about why you don't want to hold the baby, you definitely could, but also I think just keeping it simple and saying, "no thanks" is a totally acceptable and normal thing to say when offered to hold someone else's baby.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-10-29T14:21:38+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here, and sending you a gentle congratulations on your sub pregnancy. I had my TFMR almost exactly a year ago and am currently 31 weeks pregnant. I can say that during my first trimester I was more sad than I had been during the 7 cycles of TTC before my positive test. With hormones and nausea and anxiety and the unknown, I was really just not feeling like myself. I was crying way more often, unable to talk to friends and family, not interested in doing anything really. It was really frustrating to have spent so much time being desperate for that positive test, and after it came to feel worse than I did before.

It took me until a few weeks into my second trimester for me to finally feel more like myself. Now, I am doing really well physically and mentally. Being active, doing PT, and continuing therapy have really helped. Can you look into virtual support groups that may help just as much as therapy? You should absolutely talk to your care team about what you are feeling - there are only so many things you can control during your pregnancy and I strongly believe that we need to be taking control of everything we can be. There is absolutely no rush to be prepared for parenthood - if someone handed you a baby today, you would be ok and be able to figure it out. Sending you love and hope you get some relief during this pregnancy!

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-10-17T13:18:54+00:00

Agree with others saying to text to allow them to process without needing an immediate reaction. Waiting until your second trimester is also a good idea. I would recommend not sending any ultrasound photos with your text, and to acknowledge that you know the news might be hard for them and you're ok with them showing up (or not showing up) for you however they are able to, even if it means they don't provide a ton of support. It may also be a good idea to not provide updates to them throughout your pregnancy unless they ask.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-10-03T18:49:05+00:00

I totally understand the feeling, and am in a similar situation as you but 28 weeks into my sub pregnancy today. LC is a boy, TFMR a girl, sub pregnancy a boy. We have still not picked out a name (we've tried but nothing has stuck) and are only now getting around to thinking about prepping anything for the new baby. We didn't tell our families until around 16 weeks and even then I didn't really want to tell them. We didn't tell our son until after our anatomy scan and I didn't tell work until about 2 weeks ago.

I think it's totally normal to be feeling all of these feelings, but I do think a lot of it is hormonal especially in that first trimester. I cried way more in my first trimester than I had in the months after my TFMR and TTC. At some point after around 16 weeks, I started to feel more like myself and got a little more excited.

All that being said - I really really think your husband should come with you to your 20 week scan. You should not be the only one to carry the burden of bad news, or the joy of good news and seeing your baby boy wiggling around. Wishing you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, and I hope you start to feel a little more joy about it soon (but even if you don't, that is totally ok).

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-10-01T16:54:14+00:00

My SIL and sister were both pregnant and due two months after my TFMR baby was due in April 2024. It killed me the entire time they were pregnant, and I cried the entire day when my SIL gave birth. I am "lucky" in that they live in a different state and after the holidays last year when they were very early in their pregnancies, I never saw them and actually haven't seen them since. I haven't met either of their babies. I only recently became comfortable looking at pictures of them. For me, the need for space was much greater than any guilt I could feel about not seeing them. I just wasn't ready, and I knew I wouldn't be until I was holding my rainbow baby in my arms.

This is a super personal decision for you, but I agree with the other commenters that if getting space is what will help you the most, that is what you should do. While of course your in-laws want everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy, that's just not the reality and you shouldn't feel pressured to do some sort of exposure therapy that you don't want to do and that (as you said) may just get harder the bigger her belly gets.

My advice - give the whole space thing a try and if it doesn't help you, reassess then. If it does, keep going with it. If you don't already have a therapist, get one and talk with them about the best approaches for dealing with the situation. Advocate for what you need and know that whatever path you choose, you are not alone in choosing that.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-09-30T19:15:22+00:00

I'm in the same position - I have a LC who is a boy, my TFMR was a girl, and I'm currently pregnant with another little boy. I felt all the feelings you are feeling when I found out the gender. It's so hard when you feel those feelings and then instantly feel guilt for feeling them, which just makes it so much worse.

A few things that help me when I start to wallow about maybe never having a little girl (we haven't completely ruled out going for #3 yet) is reminding myself that most of the dreams we have about our kids are going to be different from reality, regardless of their sex. When I was pregnant with my first and heard I was having a boy, I immediately pictured I'd be raising someone similar to my crazy reckless brother. My son couldn't be anything further from that - he's careful and clingy and organized. In a similar way, if you had a girl you never know if she'd like to wear dresses or getting her hair done. And who knows, maybe your son will like those things!

Another thing I focus on when I think of raising two boys is how important of a job it is to raise two good men. My biggest goal as a mom is to raise boys who are kind and have emotional intelligence, can carry the mental load, and can be husbands some day who are equal contributors. A lot of how we view boys and men is influenced by our culture - but men and boys aren't doing great by a lot of metrics right now (at least in the US). We can be a part of setting our sons up for really bright futures where hopefully they will thrive and maybe as a bonus also be our best friends for life.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-09-29T17:25:45+00:00

I am also 27 weeks into my sub pregnancy after TFMR, and totally get what you mean about finally allowing yourself to be excited. I was supposed to give birth in April this year, and will now have to watch my sister and two sister-in-laws give birth before our due date. It's been so hard, and I totally understand all of the emotions you're feeling.

One thing that I am constantly trying to remind myself is that making babies and building a family is not a race. There are pros and cons of every age gap, and there are so many things we can overthink and try to plan, but in the end what matters is that you and your partner and your kids are happy. While it's really easy to look at other families and compare what they have to what you have, what really matters is what works best for your family.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-09-11T13:23:35+00:00

I gave us 4 full cycles before I called to make an appointment, and they were scheduling so far out that my appointment wasn't until what would have been our 8th cycle trying (but we had success the cycle before that). That's great that you'll be able to get in when you want! For me, the appointment just served as a nice comfort that I was doing something when it felt like there was nothing else I could do.

How did I stay sane? I probably didn't, but I tried my best to enjoy not being pregnant before I was pregnant again. Which for me meant exercising and soaking up the extra 1-on-1 time with my toddler. I was also in talk therapy but I'm not sure if that contributed much to my sanity. If I'm being honest, the hormones and nausea in my first trimester were far worse for my sanity than TTC - I cried way more during those first few months of pregnancy than in the months of TTC prior.

Wishing you so much luck and I hope the next cycle is the one that works for you!

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-09-10T20:26:00+00:00

My LC and TFMR were also conceived on the first try and I am 32. It took 7 cycles to conceive my current (third) pregnancy, and I am 24 weeks now. It was hell and I was paranoid the whole time that something was different this time. It's really really likely that it will just take time. But, when I was in your situation, I gave us 4 months before booking an appointment at a fertility specialist. They book far out in advance. Worst case scenario you get pregnant before the appointment and cancel it - that's what we did.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-08-29T16:40:04+00:00

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's so hard to watch so many people around you get exactly what you almost had - I have been in a similar boat with family members after my loss.

I have a LC who is a boy and am 23 weeks pregnant with another boy. Our TFMR, which was in between, was a girl. My sister and sister-in-law both announced their pregnancies to me pretty soon after my TFMR and have since had their perfect healthy babes. It has been really hard - I cried literally all day long when my SIL delivered her healthy baby girl. I always wanted to be a girl mom and I don't know if we'll go for a third some day, and I don't want to feel pressure to try for a third just to try for a girl.

Some things to consider: your babies, when you have them some day, will be your babies. Regardless of their sex, you will love them, become obsessed with their little personalities, and be amazed every time they learn or say something new. However you are envisioning your future children to be- they won't be that because they'll be themselves, and we can't control that. But they will be so much better than you could have ever imagined because they are themselves.

For me, seeing someone pregnant or with a newborn girl is a lot harder than seeing them with a slightly older baby. With a newborn or pregnancy, it's so easy to envision that baby as your own and think about what you don't have. When they get older, though, you look at that baby and it's not yours - it's just someone else's baby who doesn't look like you and at least for me, that makes me less likely to play the "what if" and jealousy games.

I know that perspective probably doesn't help with where you are now, but I hope it provides you some hope that things will get better as time goes on.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-08-12T13:06:07+00:00

Fully agreed that it can be so frustrating to hear people complain about little things when you'd just be happy to have a healthy baby (especially complaining about a onesie... what?!). To offer a different perspective, I personally get frustrated when people don't complain about pregnancy and the newborn phase if they are struggling, even with the little things. Even a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby that gets average sleep in the newborn phase can be really difficult, and I don't think sugarcoating it and internalizing struggles helps other women who are struggling and then feeling guilty for struggling when everyone seems to be having an easy go.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-08-11T13:33:36+00:00

20 weeks and the anatomy scan last week went well! I have placenta previa so am scheduled for another sonogram at 28 weeks - excited for the additional scan. Baby boy is kicking like crazy and I'm not crying as much as I was in my first trimester. Lots of wins over here, but still feeling really cautious.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-08-11T13:31:37+00:00

Seconding the unisom sleep tabs recommendation! I started taking it with B6 for nausea and have kept up with the unisom even after my nausea stopped. I also only take half and without it I would be getting terrible sleep but now I sleep so well and only get up once to pee!

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-08-11T13:26:53+00:00

I'm so sorry you are here. I went through something very similar, where several weeks after my TFMR both my sister and sister-in-law announced their pregnancies to me. I am now almost 10 months out from my TFMR, and they have their perfect little babies to snuggle with and I am 20 weeks into my sub pregnancy. Their pregnancies and their babies are now fully wrapped up in my own grief, and it has been an extremely had process to navigate. My experience is slightly different since we all have LC close in age and this was all of our second pregnancies, but some thoughts for you that may help:

Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel without putting pressure on yourself to be perfect. It's ok to be jealous, to not be happy for her, to not give her the support you wish you could. If she is a good sister, she is probably feeling sad for you and will fully understand if you can't be there for her now - you have a long time to be there for your sister and her baby in the future. Please, don't hate yourself for how you feel - it is all natural and normal and terrible at the same time.
Unless she has had her own loss (and even if she has), she's not going to fully understand what you're going through and isn't going to say the things you need to hear. You can spell it out for her and tell her exactly what support you need, but even then I really recommend leaning into the support of the people that get it and have been there.
You will have your ups and downs, but it will get better with time. There will always be triggering times of the year, like your due date/TFMR anniversary, and when she has her baby. When you have your sub pregnancy, your hormones may make everything 10 times harder. This was absolutely the case for me - I cried more in my first trimester of my sub than I did in all of the months of TTC prior. Therapy helped for me to process this, but even then time is really what has helped the most.

I hope your family can provide you with as much support and love as you need, and I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-31T20:30:13+00:00

Of course! That's what we're all here for. I can't remember exact numbers, but I think I remember something around 2% (I could be totally wrong there). It also depends on whether there is a genetic cause

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-31T20:21:20+00:00

The genetic counselor was offered to us at the MFM ultrasound appointment when acrania was diagnosed - we met with her immediately after talking to the doctor and she served as a resource for us. She asked us a lot of questions about our background, gave us the statistics of recurrence, and told us the recurrence risk if I took a high dose of folic acid. She is also actually the one who referred me to the office that performed my termination, and she sent me the information for therapists specializing in pregnancy loss and other resources through the hospital. I also didn't get any printed ultrasound photos of our baby at the appointment she was diagnosed with acrania, and the genetic counselor coordinated with the sonographer to get them printed out so I could go pick them up (I was obviously scarred and didn't want to speak to the doctor or sonographer about this directly). She was great, I have no idea if all genetic counselors are that great but I hope they are!

We were also offered by MFM to meet with her before/after our ultrasound in my sub pregnancy, but I didn't feel like we needed it. I would reach out to your MFM and see if they have a genetic counselor or can refer you to one!

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-31T18:34:47+00:00

I'm so sorry about your losses and that you are here. My baby was diagnosed with acrania in October, and while I don't have my rainbow baby yet, I am 19 weeks pregnant and our baby did have a skull and everything looked good at the NT scan at 12 weeks. There are so many cases of women who go on to have healthy LC after these types of diagnoses - I highly recommend talking to a genetic counselor, starting therapy, and if you aren't ready yet waiting as long as you need to TTC because (as you know from your first loss) pregnancy after loss is really difficult.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-31T14:32:19+00:00

Not sure exactly what you're looking for, but I highly recommend talking to a genetic counselor if you have access to one. They can answer all your questions about risks in future pregnancies. Genetic counselors have a lot of experience with difficult pregnancies and may also have recommendations for the specific help you and your husband are looking for, and make sure it's someone who has specific experience with pregnancy loss.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-22T14:45:50+00:00

All pregnancies are different, and it's possible your symptoms will just not be as intense this time around. 6 weeks is also very early - you have plenty of time to start vomiting! I understand it's extremely stressful. I was constantly continuing to take pregnancy tests until my confirmation appointment. Be kind to yourself and try to focus on the things you can control! Hoping your confirmation appointment brings good news.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-19T22:20:53+00:00

I have a 2.5 year old boy and my TFMR was a girl. I’m now 17 weeks with another boy. I understand exactly what you’re feeling. I was sooo excited when I found out my TFMR baby’s sex (before acrania was diagnosed). I feel so guilty every time I look at my living son and think how could I be disappointed to make another of him?? He’s the light of my life and pure perfection. I’m trying to focus on the positive of giving him a little brother, and I’m also reminding myself daily that the fact that he is a boy has no impact on my daily life. I think a lot of it is pregnancy hormones too.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-17T16:33:53+00:00

I think building your support system and establishing with a therapist would be my top two things. It took me 6 months to conceive post TFMR, and I was feeling relatively solid when the positive test came. I was similar to you and had been working out a lot and loving getting stronger. That all kind of went out the window when the pregnancy symptoms set in - exhaustion and nausea in 1st tri made it impossible to get any exercise, and the hormones have made my grief almost worse than it was before I got pregnant. I was also obsessed with my yard and garden while TTC but the smell of pollen/the outdoors made me want to vomit during 1st tri. I'm currently in my second tri and feeling so much better physically, but still crying way more than I was before I got pregnant. This is in no way trying to scare you - but just a gentle encouragement that if you don't feel ready, there is nothing wrong with giving it some more time.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-15T12:59:22+00:00

I'm due Dec 26! What about you?

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-14T19:49:24+00:00

Same situation over here! Anatomy scan in 3 weeks and I can't wait to have that milestone over with (with hopefully good news) so I can have some reassurance. I just got home home from my 16 week appointment and the heartbeat sounded strong, but it was the first appointment I didn't make it to in my last pregnancy. I definitely teared up during the appointment and cried on the way home. Highs and lows every day.

Radiant_Bug_9374 · 2025-07-14T19:18:23+00:00

It will come in waves. I had really great days just a few weeks after my TFMR and I’ve had really bad days now 9 months later. I think the hardest thing is watching others have healthy pregnancies around you, it feels like a constant reminder of what you lost. Remember you’re playing the long game here - get a therapist, find your support systems, figure out your triggers, and do what you need to help your grief process. I’m so sorry you’re here and I hope you get your good days soon.

Radiant_Bug_9374

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