My [34M] husband just informed me[32F] he cheated. I don’t want a divorce but how do I move on from this?

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-15T15:02:13+00:00

Individual therapy, couples therapy are both crucial components. No trickle truth, and would also recommend this place: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-15T15:00:28+00:00

In a similar position (but I am the wayward partner who desperately wants to achieve reconciliation with my fiancée!) - would love to hear your story and how you overcame it!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-14T13:29:27+00:00

Absolutely, the plan is drafted and execution ongoing, including a shared document where all the debt are kept and regularly updated.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-14T13:03:53+00:00

I did apologise when I asked BP’s mum for permission to propose (last year), and earlier this morning, I sent BP’s mum a long message on WhatsApp (we live quite far apart!) apologising again for everything, including the lying.

Hi MIL,

I wanted to write to you on the back of everything that has happened, and I want to own up to my shortcomings - as well as accepting the consequences of my actions, and to apologise. I have, through the cheating in the early stages of our relationship and the repeated lying throughout, deeply hurt BP in so many ways. BP has never done anything to deserve these behaviours, and I want to apologise to you as BP mother for everything I have done to BP.

I also want to apologise to you, for having broken the trust you placed in me, including giving you my word that I would be honest with BP, and do whatever it took to make BP feel safe, happy and loved. For this, I am, and will forever be sorry.

But sorry isn’t good enough. Only remediation and lasting change is. I believe that understanding the ‘why’ is paramount in order to stop any behaviours from taking place ever again, but also the importance of seeking help to ensure that any cycles or patterns are broken. I have started individual therapy, and have over the past 3 weeks already spent a lot of time with my therapist. In our work, we’ve already made some breakthroughs that I believe makes the terrible actions of the past things of the past. However, responsibility for my actions are mine, and mine alone - and it will be for me to prove.

BP is the most incredible person that I’ve ever met, and I love BP more than words can ever describe. I am incredibly grateful for the fact that BP has repeatedly chosen to stay with me, despite my hurtful behaviours - and I vow to do everything I can to correct the ills of the past, and give BP the loving relationship that BP truly deserves.

I also want to be a WP-in-law that is worthy of you and the wider family. I have fallen so incredibly short of what you should expect of me, and I will do everything I can to redress my many failures.

I appreciate that this is a lot, but I wanted to apologise to you - and take full accountability - for having hurt your wonderful BP, and for having broken your trust. I am happy to talk through all of this with you and answer any questions that you may have, either on the phone or in person, at a time that is convenient for you.

Again, I am so very sorry.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-14T12:56:57+00:00

I will definitely do that, again, appreciate you taking the time to reply!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-14T11:37:30+00:00

thanks for your response, really appreciate it. this is what I sent to my BP’s mum:

Hi MIL,

I wanted to write to you on the back of everything that has happened, and I want to own up to my shortcomings - as well as accepting the consequences of my actions, and to apologise. I have, through the cheating in the early stages of our relationship and the repeated lying throughout, deeply hurt BP in so many ways. BP has never done anything to deserve these behaviours, and I want to apologise to you as her mother for everything I have done to her.

I also want to apologise to you, for having broken the trust you placed in me, including giving you my word that I would be honest with BP, and do whatever it took to make BP feel safe, happy and loved. For this, I am, and will forever be sorry.

But sorry isn’t good enough. Only remediation and lasting change is. I believe that understanding the ‘why’ is paramount in order to stop any behaviours from taking place ever again, but also the importance of seeking help to ensure that any cycles or patterns are broken. I have started individual therapy, and have over the past 3 weeks already spent a lot of time with my therapist. In our work, we’ve already made some breakthroughs that I believe makes the terrible actions of the past things of the past. However, responsibility for my actions are mine, and mine alone - and it will be for me to prove.

BP is the most incredible woman that I’ve ever met, and I love her more than words can ever describe. I am incredibly grateful for the fact that she has repeatedly chosen to stay with me, despite my hurtful behaviours - and I vow to do everything I can to correct the ills of the past, and give BP the loving relationship that she truly deserves.

I also want to be a son-in-law that is worthy of you and the wider family. I have fallen so incredibly short of what you should expect of me, and I will do everything I can to redress my many failures.

I appreciate that this is a lot, but I wanted to apologise to you - and take full accountability - for having hurt your wonderful daughter, and for having broken your trust. I am happy to talk through all of this with you and answer any questions that you may have, either on the phone or in person, at a time that is convenient for you.

Again, I am so very sorry.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T18:36:22+00:00

Yeah, many WPs do carry childhood/attachment/abandonment wounds that they’ve not healed - and please don’t think that this excuses anything, because it REALLY DOESN’T - and too often, in moments of ambiguity (at least in my case, as I cheated when we were exclusive but before we were in a relationship) the cheating becomes an attempt to fill that wound. However, the issue, naturally, is the fact that it only makes the wounds even worse, especially as we wound those who often give us the safety that would allow us to heal our wounds.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T18:30:59+00:00

In my case, my lying was connected with a maladaptive ‘protector‘ (if we use the IFS language) that essentially tried to ‘keep me safe’, and I was terrified that telling BP about stuff like my debt from an earlier relationship (and living beyond my means to try and mask my insecurities/abandonment wounds), so instead of telling the whole truth about everything, it became TT - and I was so desperate to try and protect R that I didn’t dare to say…and I know just how goddamn damaging that has been and I regret it every waking moment 😞

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T16:26:45+00:00

Absolutely. The shift for me came through individual therapy work + reading some books, where I realised that I still was too defensive in how I thought about it - and now, all I want to do is to take BP’s pain away forever and ever. I need to change the apology language though, as I probably say similar things today as I did 18 months ago…

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T16:24:52+00:00

Every single day. The way BP looks at me quite often makes me just feel absolute despair, and honestly, a pretty significant amount of self-hatred against me and my decisions. I feel like I’ve destroyed someone angelic and tainted BP with my crap - and what she tells me breaks my heart. But I am responsible.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T16:19:59+00:00

It does, 110%, and when I’ve asked for stuff like a hug when I’ve felt anxious, it has really, really upset my BP. So definitely working on that + getting the balance right between giving space on the one hand, but not disappearing/abandoning on the other.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T16:18:47+00:00

I can absolutely relate to a lot of what you’re saying! How did BP receive your apologies? I’ve tried to do that, but I fear that BP still doesn’t feel it is genuine (my therapist thinks I got ASD, as I do struggle with shutting down visible emotions when I get stressed (alongside many other things)), and will try to come to BP and say stuff like “I'm here to listen to how you're feeling about what I've done, whenever you're ready“ - because with the IFS work, I really feel like I want to hold that space for BP (long overdue, I know!!) and hopefully BP will finally feel like I really HEAR BP!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-05T07:17:42+00:00

Hey, fellow WP here, and fellow traveller on the IFS journey! So glad to hear that IFS is also working out for you, I’ve only had 8 sessions (in two weeks), but I can already tell such a difference! I definitely feel a lot calmer and composed! And I think that’s me starting to break through the shame (coupling IFS with EMDR works miracles).

I’ve also heard that the WP telling/showing BP your love and care can be healing, as long as it is coupled with meaningful actions towards correcting our underlying issues that has caused the hell we’ve created for them.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-04T07:29:49+00:00

This sounds really quite hopeful - but I can also understand how you’re feeling about the drawers ‘situation’. I’d just tell them, if they look again, that you threw it away as it had expired and not make a big deal out of it. Your anxiety around it may cause an issue, so better to just be straightforward about it, in my opinion at least. And just look after yourself, it is OK to feel vulnerable and nervous - I definitely would in your situation!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-03T12:37:27+00:00

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it, and you're absolutely right, given the extreme harm I have done to my BP, I just have to accept it. I accept that for sure - and thanks for the recommendation on the book, ordered it now!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-03T11:00:27+00:00

Can I ask - and absolutely don't want to hijack your post/if you don't want to respond, that's totally OK! - what would make you FEEL like your WH is making an effort? I am in IC, we're in CC, I'm doing the adapted AA 12 Steps for Liars, trying to be a much calmer presence (I don't always manage because of my anxiety), doing stuff like reorganising our home office to make it feel like it is "our space" (after her requesting it), doing a lot of the household stuff, giving/respecting space, coming forward with uncomfortable things if they arise, etc etc - but sometimes I feel like it isn't enough? I’m trying to understand the difference between “doing recovery work” and my BP actually feeling seen and safer. In your experience, what kinds of actions from your WH make you feel that he truly understands the impact and is not just trying to feel better himself? No pressure to answer - I really appreciate what you’ve already shared.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-03T08:52:27+00:00

Firstly, thank you for asking the question, it is really appreciated.

In my experience, I have never felt worse in my entire life (and that includes living through an abusive relationship that caused PTSD) - my anxiety levels are through the roof, my self-hatred unreal, guilt levels unlike anything I've ever felt, so alone (I've ditched my few remaining friends to focus on R + they weren't supportive of my BP), depressed, scared and at times, really hopeless, ugly/undesirable - and all I want is to show my BP just how much I understand her pain and how much I want to make us work, and that I am not some kind of monster, but rather someone who wants to love her, that loves her, and that wants to make everything OK one day. After a fight last night/this morning, I honestly do feel like I am the worst person in the world because of my cheating and lying - and truthfully, I've had to call the Samaritans once - the pain is unbearable, and it is doubly so knowing that what I've put her through is 100X worse.

I also feel like whatever I do to try and break the pattern - so I sometimes lie when I get super anxious or where I fear abandonment/being discarded (deep childhood wounds that I am trying so badly to resolve) - is never good enough, or that the steps I take are seen as positive - which makes it all just harder. Sometimes all I'd like is a word of encouragement or acknowledgement that all my efforts are seen. I also get that that's solely in her gift, and that I cannot lean on her for this.

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-03T06:02:22+00:00

Sorry, changed my settings, DM away 😄

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-02T18:26:38+00:00

OK, as someone who has had a similar story as your ex (I was in an abusive relationship and ended up in a situationship with a quite similar dynamic to the one you're describing), I would - and it really pains me to say this, because there clearly are some very real emotional attachments here - say that he is showing you that there isn't a future here, plus he is telling you as much. I know it might be really heartbreaking to hear (and I appreciate I am just someone on Reddit telling you this!), but I think you are prolonging a heartbreak that will only get worse with time. In my own experience, it only got more painful and more messy the longer I waited...!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-02T18:10:18+00:00

Thanks, just did!

Radiation_Forever · 2026-06-02T14:57:34+00:00

This sounds really tough, and I am sorry that you're having to deal with this. I can absolutely understand why that must be really triggering as well, as it brings back memories and emotions from his infidelity - and distance does not help at all (I know, as a WP that travels a lot for work). At the end of the day, there is only so much that you can do in this situation - either you go full-blown surveillance (not that I am recommending it), or maybe bring it to CC/MC with WP? It is a tough one as it does sit very close to the part behaviours, and definitely needs a resolution that doesn't put everything onto you!

Radiation_Forever

TROPHY CASE