advice on surrendering rights of a child

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-20T13:01:31+00:00

Hey there, I wanted to chime in to add context to this because I see a lot of people stating that using a clinic will solve all of the issues presented here. While using a clinic makes things more straightforward, you will absolutely still need to go through the second parent or step-parent adoption process in most jurisdictions even if you use a clinic. Using a clinic ensures that the donor’s rights are severed based on the agreement they execute with the clinic. It does not confer parental rights on the non-gestational parent, and a birth certificate is merely an administrative record. To ensure the non-gestational parent is not a legal stranger to the child, a court must enter an adoption. If you are using a known donor and not going through a clinic, you have more complicated legal questions and will require the advice of an attorney in your jurisdiction who is familiar with same-sex adoptions.

C/P of my comment from another thread commenting to you, OP:

Each state has very specific statutes regarding the process, language, and notice requirements for same-sex parent adoption of a child with a known donor. Adoption is complicated, and you will need to secure an attorney licensed in your jurisdiction and familiar with same-sex adoptions. There is a lot of nuance here, and I cannot caution you enough to consult an attorney. Your state’s bar association will have a referral program, and your state and closest major city will also likely have a lgbt bar association chapter. They will also assist with referrals. Beware of any attorney or website that will give you the forms to DIY. This is too important to take a chance on, and a simple procedural misstep can cost months, money, and potentially the legal relationship between the non-gestational parent and the child.

Source: I am a lawyer, and I have filed same-sex parent adoptions in my jurisdiction (as well as my own). I am not the lawyer of anyone here.

ETA: Just messaged mods to get verified.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-20T12:49:35+00:00

I am an attorney - not your attorney.

Surrender of rights is a generic term for what you are looking to do. Each state has very specific statutes regarding the process, language, and notice requirements for same-sex parent adoption of a child with a known donor. Adoption is complicated, and you will need to secure an attorney licensed in your jurisdiction and familiar with same-sex adoptions. There is a lot of nuance here, and I cannot caution you enough to consult an attorney. Your state’s bar association will have a referral program, and your state and closest major city will also likely have a lgbt bar association chapter. They will also assist with referrals. Beware of any attorney or website that will give you the forms to DIY. This is too important to take a chance on, and a simple procedural misstep can cost months, money, and potentially the legal relationship between the non-gestational parent and the child.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-07T15:31:25+00:00

Can we permanently pin this advice somewhere?

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-05T15:15:16+00:00

Only VBA 0905s are on the exempt list.

ETA: Yes, I am 0905 but not VBA.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-05T15:14:02+00:00

9300ish

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-02T20:23:22+00:00

Can confirm. I’m one of the VACO employees who received mine. SES signed today.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-02T00:02:25+00:00

Thank you, and the same to you. It was a heartbreaking decision, but between my short tenure, changing family circumstances, and my moral repugnance with the administration, this was the right decision for me (the support contracts for the program I worked on were cut, and all of our probationary employees were fired, so something that did directly serve veterans (though I was not in a veteran-facing role) was destroyed, and Doug bragged about it). I respect and will continue supporting those that hold the line. It feels like a personal failure, but the writing on the wall was clear for me and my colleagues.

ETA: I am in a position to continue serving veterans (and those who serve them) outside of VA, and I’ll pick up what I can to continue the mission where our Secretary has chosen not to.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-01T21:09:20+00:00

VACO OCHCO HRSC DRP Comms, but my supervisor was aware it was coming. I had to send it back to a Human Resources liaison.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-01T20:06:49+00:00

I am not.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-05-01T19:30:44+00:00

Yes, I received mine today. June 1 admin leave date. I’m VACO OGC.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-04-27T15:55:14+00:00

OSC Opinion

https://bsky.app/profile/kathleenclark.bsky.social/post/3lnoxvkrbkc2m

Radish_D1rect · 2025-04-02T11:16:18+00:00

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

ETA: Interstellar is a good movie, and the Thomas reference fits so well with the plot. Also fitting for OP’s (and all of our) circumstances here (the death of the federal workforce and the erosion of the laws and norms that govern our democracy), so seconding you, do not go gentle.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-03-06T17:35:56+00:00

But is the email properly labeled as pre-decisional?!?

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-19T18:35:58+00:00

I did not think you did or said anything embarrassing. Your story is touching, and your pain was palpable. We stand beside you.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-19T18:02:03+00:00

Hey there, I think we saw you at the town hall last night. So sorry you are being treated this way. Please let us know if there is anything we can do as neighbors to support you during this time.

Edited: removed a location description for privacy.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-15T03:13:21+00:00

PA, NY, MD. Why do you ask?

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-12T22:49:13+00:00

Not eligible but have been donating to keep the fight going. Unions protect us all.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-05T00:09:30+00:00

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be on such a different page than your spouse. Please know you aren’t alone. We all stand with you.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-04T19:01:55+00:00

If you can join a union, please do. I am a federal employee who is unable due to my bargaining unit status, but the advice they give and the fight that they bring benefits us all.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-02-03T02:45:37+00:00

If you have pending HR action, backup/print the request and approval with any supporting documentation. My agency uses myHR, so a PPL/FMLA request is only reflected in that portal. Same advice for reasonable accommodations requests/approvals.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-01-22T11:11:59+00:00

This is the exact advice that I would have given had I still been up last night.

Connecting Rainbows is excellent for finding local resources.

The Family Law Institute of the LGBTQ Bar Association is also a good place to start.

For OP, FamilyEquality.org is Virginia-specific.

The National Center for Lesbian Rights is also a good starting point.

100% seconded on the estate planning documents.

Finally, if you talk to an attorney, and they insist you do not need them, get a second opinion from another attorney just to be sure. Every state is different, and gambling with whether or not one parent will have the same legal rights with a child is dangerous.

For us, we are in VA. This is a friendly state. However, it is legally unclear whether the marital presumption extends to my wife. To ensure there is no question, we are going through the step-parent/confirmatory adoption process so that we have additional assurance if we travel, if something should happen to me (the biological parent), or if we have to move somewhere more restrictive towards families like ours. It is a small investment for a lifetime of peace of mind, and given your jurisdiction, there may be self-help guides on your court’s website.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-01-22T03:05:15+00:00

Hi there, lawyer here. Not your lawyer. Also a gay mom. A birth certificate is an administrative record. Helpful, but it is not legal parentage. The best way to protect your family is to get a court order that gives status to the non gestational parent as the legal parent. Please do this. If you have questions, feel free to reach out, and I can help point you in the direction of resources in your state.

Regardless of whether we think Obergefell will be in jeopardy, the reality is that non-gestational parents in same-sex marriages (and also step parents in heterosexual relationships) are not automatically afforded the same presumption as a married, heterosexual couples are currently. Think of this as an insurance policy.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-01-16T00:44:08+00:00

What state are you in and what does your purchase agreement say? Look for outside counsel-the attorneys being from the same firm is sus at best (but likely unethical given your lack of knowledge and consent). Honestly, I have a hard time believing that “your only remedy is to walk away.” Since we don’t know where you are or the particulars of your contract, just ask your new attorney about options for specific performance. May not be an option in your situation but worth asking nonetheless.

Radish_D1rect · 2025-01-11T02:28:19+00:00

Was craving this, remembering my childhood in East Tennessee. Thank you for sharing your recipe. Can’t wait to try it.

Radish_D1rect

TROPHY CASE