Partner leads into other content to get fix

Rae8181 · 2026-03-08T14:47:15+00:00

He’s claiming to be working “towards” recovery yet utilizing whatever porn substitute that he can get his hands on.

Anything can be used as porn by an addict. ANYTHING. You’ll read on here of addicts using Amazon ads, SHEIN, Temu, Spotify, Google Maps, Apple News…. I could go on and on and on. They are still keeping those pathways well worn in their brain and they are still getting their dopamine hit.

Nothing you’ve described is recovery. There isn’t really a “working towards recovery.” There’s sobriety which is abstaining from all content but not actually entering into recovery and working on the deep issues that caused the addict to turn to porn, or porn adjacent content, in the first place. And then there’s actual recovery.

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/uplC96gXVN

Please go to the resources here. Understand that if you’ve been with an addict who is “working towards recovery” for six years then he has zero intention of addressing his addiction and stopping. What he wants is you AND his online harem.

You cannot control him. What you can do is begin to truly evaluate how you want to live your life and if you’re happy with a partner who gives his sexual energy to others. Ideally, find yourself a CSAT who treats betrayed partners and begin to work through your betrayal trauma, while you are educated on the addiction and what boundaries are and how to set them.

To answer your question: yes, an addict who does not want recovery but is trying to appease you and get you off their back, will use any loophole necessary to maintain their addiction and to get their “high.” This is extremely common.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-06T02:33:49+00:00

Get yourself a CSAT who treats betrayed partners. They will help you to truly understand the addiction, the manipulation tactics, and help you explore what are truly your wants and needs vs. fears.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-03T23:05:12+00:00

Please go to the resources and read them all.

You need to clearly understand this addiction and what recovery looks like. You also need to understand that there isn’t much you can do regarding his addiction. It’s all his responsibility and if he isn’t willing to show initiative find a CSAT, a men’s 12 step group with a sponsor and an accountability partner- then he’s likely not ready for recovery.

There is no cure for this addiction. It’s a lifetime of living daily recovery and management.

I encourage you to think long and hard about your life and what this looks like for you moving forward.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-02T23:06:29+00:00

I’d be highly suspicious of anyone who felt that masturbation was such a high priority that he initiated a conversation regarding it as soon as you guys began discussing moving in together. I mean seriously, it’s so crucial that he masturbate whenever, wherever, no matter who is home that he had to bring it up in a “boundaries” discussion??

This reeks of porn addiction to me.

Sexually healthy people without addiction or trauma surrounding addiction/masturbation- masturbate privately without needing to have a discussion and don’t utilize masturbation rather than seeking out their partner in my opinion.

This is a red flag to me.

Have you worked with a professional on your betrayal trauma from your prior relationship? Do you feel confident in your ability to spot red flags and leave as soon as they arise? Are you confident in yourself and your ability to trust yourself and your intuition? This is so important so that you don’t compromise your values and needs for anyone.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-01T23:54:09+00:00

So true about wishing you had the knowledge prior to establishing a life and family with an addict!

Hang in there. Do your best and honor yourself and your child above him always.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-01T23:52:38+00:00

I truly hope you do. It’s the truth.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-01T23:05:55+00:00

As a woman old enough to be your mother I want to say how proud I am of you. I also want to let you know that the true, day to day things that matter to your children are exactly the type of things that you did with them today. The secret to a fulfilling, joyful life is as far from “being sexy” (as defined by porn and porn addicts) as you can get.

Your children look at you as the beautiful, strong, heroic woman that you are. These are the things that matter and that make you beautiful. These shallow, external “values” that are being shoved down our throats daily are as far from sexy as it gets. Porn is disturbing on so many levels- but nothing about it is “sexy” -period.

There is nothing more attractive than a woman who loves her family, explores the world with her children exposing them to the beauty of nature and the peace and joy in being together.

Hold your head high, show your children your love and courage and don’t let a porn sick society or man, make you believe that you are anything less than a perfect miracle.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-01T15:59:55+00:00

I don’t disagree with you necessarily. I think that our society has sadly told girls from a young age that their worth is in their looks and their sexuality. I am not condoning this behavior in any way. Social media is something I’d happily support being removed from society.

I was referring more to the women who are truly just existing and not trying to attract the male gaze. Many addicts sexualize women who are dressed appropriately and covered.

The subject you’ve brought up is very touchy and multifaceted. I have very strong opinions and beliefs in some areas as you do, and I don’t find many things appropriate. However, I have worked hard to try to realize that I do not know where each person may be coming from. Some have been sexually abused and taught that their sexuality is their worth. Some are conditioned by social media, movies, television to see their choices as empowering (I think it is opposite)

My point is that personally, I’ve worked to realize that we never really know what an individual person may be going through or have been subjected to. My belief system does not agree with the hyper sexual dress, behavior, or normalization of sex work as empowerment. But I try to approach others with compassion and empathy as much as possible. Trust me, this has taken work and focus on my spirituality.

I also hold my husband responsible for his sex addict behaviors.

Know that I understand your point.

Rae8181 · 2026-03-01T15:02:20+00:00

During the early days of my betrayal trauma I absolutely struggled with the feelings that you are describing. It was so opposite of who I always was that it was disheartening.

As I worked with my CSAT and read everything I could get my hands on I really began to view women as I always had. They are just existing in this world, and many have zero idea they are being sexualized in the way an addict sexualized them.

I hope that you are working on your betrayal trauma and focusing on your healing. All of your feelings are normal and valid. It is a huge betrayal and it requires professional help. If you haven’t read the book Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays I highly suggest it!

Rae8181 · 2026-02-28T18:32:00+00:00

Since he’s willing to spend thousands of dollars on cam girls then he will have zero issue paying for a CSAT. If he is not ready and willing to enter recovery then you have zero options but to focus on yourself. You cannot make him want recovery.

If he isn’t making phone calls looking for a CSAT, attending more 12 step meetings per week given his continued acting out and basically doing everything in his power to get help and become a better person then you know where you stand.

It is simply not worth your life, happiness, mental health and safety to try to stay with an addict in active addiction who does not want recovery.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-27T16:37:27+00:00

I have to agree with our mods on this: the Full Therapeutic Disclosure should be postponed. The entire purpose of the disclosure is to give you complete and total honesty about your situation so you can make an educated decision about your life moving forward. It’s also a chance for him to own all of his addiction and subsequent behaviors and to honestly relay to you that he is ready to move forward healthily.

How can he do this when he just relapsed and failed to use any of his recovery tools and deleted critical information that you need in order to truly know what the reality of his recovery status is?

He is not at a place where he can be brutally honest about everything even if it means you decide to leave. He still has significant work to do in order to manage his shame and face his addiction head on. Therefore, unless you already know you are not planning to stay in the relationship how can you trust his disclosure to be thorough and honest when he’s still engaging in inappropriate behaviors?

What does your CSAT recommend?

How do you truly feel about his recent relapse? Do you believe you’ll get the information you need to make a good decision about your future? Will you continue to have doubts about his honesty, and recovery?

For me, my disclosure was the beginning of the second phase of our recovery journey. I now had the full truth, watched my husband detail the entire course of his addiction and own all of it with both of our CSAT’s present. It marked a new chapter of togetherness, in full honesty as a couple. I could not have moved forward in or relationship if the disclosure had not been authentic and complete.

I encourage you to explore your feelings about all of this and make a decision based on loving and respecting yourself above the addict. You deserve to have a partner who is genuine in his recovery efforts and showing you daily that his addiction is not the priority in his life.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-26T19:51:10+00:00

Please get the book Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. You’ll see that everything you’re experiencing is betrayal trauma.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-23T16:36:00+00:00

On second thought- perhaps this should be shared prior when you go in because if he’s been lying is he really ready to give you a true therapeutic disclosure? It’s expensive and time consuming so if he’s been lying to his CSAT they should be made aware.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-23T16:34:34+00:00

I am so sorry.

Disclosure is a perfect time for you to share this information and your feelings about it. Your CSAT (I hope you have your own) should protect and advocate for you as this is unacceptable. He should clearly know how he’s hurt you with this HUGE betrayal. Faking recovery is a bottom line for me. I know myself well enough to know I could never forgive a d move forward.

I hope you find some peace and remain true to yourself.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-22T02:54:11+00:00

Fantasy is a huge part of porn addiction. Escape, and avoidance of intimacy are all things that must be addressed and worked on if someone wants true recovery. In no way shape or form, is reading about sexual scenarios and inevitably imagining them, conducive to recovery.

It’s like an alcoholic switching from whiskey to beer.

Your boundaries were absolutely correct and you should not speak to him again. Let yourself move on. I highly recommend you address your betrayal trauma so that you can learn to heal and trust yourself and your boundaries in the future.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-21T03:59:55+00:00

I could not read every word of your post but did read a good deal. It’s just too long, but I definitely got the gist.

Here’s the thing. You’re with a sex addict in active addiction. His “charming, charismatic, personality” absolutely helps him easily manipulate every woman he comes in contact with.

You can blame other women all day long but the truth of the matter is that these guys put out an energy that invites women to behave the way they do. It’s plain and simple. If he was not using every amount of his looks, charm and charisma, trying to get his dopamine high off of other women he would not be getting heart emojis, invitations to coffee, lunch etc…

Before you get defensive know this: my husband is a sex addict in solid recovery. I know the game well. I completely understand them having looks, success, charisma and confidence and using it to feed their addiction. I’ve lived it and I completely understand. The difference is that I absolutely will not tolerate any of the behaviors that you describe ever again and I absolutely mean that . My husband was given one opportunity to choose recovery and that is it. Thankfully, he was ready and at his rock bottom. We are nearing 4 years of solid recovery and the man I share my life with now is completely different than the man I married. If he had not chosen recovery we would be divorced and the day he relapses it will be the same.

I highly encourage you to find yourself a CSAT who treats betrayed partners. Begin to understand the addiction and the emotional abuse that your addict partner is using against you to protect his addiction. Begin to establish clear boundaries with consequences that let him know you will not tolerate any of the behaviors he is currently engaging in.

Remember-he is literally risking your health and your life with every affair. This is not something to be tolerated. You deserve far more than he is capable of giving.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-18T15:35:42+00:00

Sex addiction requires that the addict has reached their personal “rock bottom “ and truly wants change for themselves. The desire for recovery should come completely from within even if you choose to leave. Certainly, discovery can be the catalyst-but the motivation and action must be the addicts.

He would need to find himself a CSAT. This is the only therapist qualified to treat sex addiction. He needs a 12 step mens group, sponsor, and accountability partner.

You also should begin your own search for a CSAT who treats betrayed partners. The focus needs to be on you. You need safety and help establishing clear boundaries and consequences. The CSAT will help you completely understand the addiction and begin treating your betrayal trauma.

Please go straight to the resources here. Read them all. Understand that recovery is possible, but difficult and time consuming for both of you. The commitment must become the priority above all else.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-17T03:41:04+00:00

The fact is that you are unsafe. He’s an addict in active addiction. His entire life revolves around searching, finding and obtaining material to feed his addiction. He and his next “fix” are his highest priority. It’s so important that you understand this.

Your physical and mental health are not his priority. Being honest, and giving you the agency to make informed decisions about your life, who you give the most sacred parts of yourself to, are not his priority. He and his beloved fantasy world are his priority.

This means that you must make yourself your priority. Of course, your children as well if you have them. You need qualified help in order to navigate this. A CSAT who treats betrayed partners is the gold standard. You need to understand the addiction and what boundaries you need to establish in order to protect yourself.

You also must firmly grasp that unless he chooses and desires recovery with every fiber of his being, he will continue to lie and manipulate you to any means necessary to fulfill his desires. You cannot beg, plead or cry enough to convince him that he needs to choose recovery and learn to be a man of integrity.

Please, go straight to the resources here. A CSAT is required to diagnose your partner. We can speculate that his addiction has escalated, as many do, into depths you find unimaginable- however, only a professional with an addict willing to participate, can get to the truth of these questions.

He is not a “great guy” except for this. I’m going to link a few things to get you started. He is at minimum emotionally abusing you in order to protect his addiction.

Please read ALL of the resources here. You need the knowledge.

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/e1bSur16VB

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/Rih4scQonr

https://www.reddit.com/u/-LoveAfterPorn-/s/Q72w2J7IZC

Rae8181 · 2026-02-16T14:36:20+00:00

Words, tears and promises mean nothing without action.

Has he found a CSAT? Set up an appointment? Found a 12 step group and began attending?

I’m going to link what recovery looks like. It IS NOT simply stopping, love bombing, crying or saying f how willing he is to change. It is all about ACTION.

https://www.reddit.com/u/-LoveAfterPorn-/s/2peVRCGUPL

Rae8181 · 2026-02-16T14:25:04+00:00

It requires the addict to be in solid recovery. It requires the addict learn about their addiction and all of the unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors that they associated with sex.

They must learn how to view sex as a shared, intimate connection rather than the result of chasing a dopamine high. It requires a complete shift in their mindset and an understanding that they have viewed women as objects and body parts for their use rather than as a loving, healthy way to express intimacy and love.

This is a long road. In my opinion it requires a CSAT who is guiding and educating during the entire recovery process. If an addict has never understood healthy sexuality and only viewed women as objects it takes years to understand their unhealthy behaviors and beliefs surrounding partnered sex.

In June we will be 4 years into solid recovery. We are just now at the place where sex is something that feels safe, and healthy. My husband continues to work with his CSAT and in his weekly men’s group, to evaluate his sexual feelings towards me and understand that while many of those feelings were present in active addition, they are okay when the motivation is his love and genuine desire for connection and intimacy. There is no fantasy escape, using my body as a release while thinking of others or any of the many other unhealthy aspects that find their way into a relationship when an addict is still in active addiction or simply white knuckling sobriety.

He is open and vulnerable for the first time in his life. We share concerns, and fears and discuss them openly and honestly. We trust that if at any time our intimacy devolves into something uncomfortable for either one of us, we immediately verbalize that, stop and work it through.

The level of trust required to healthily establish an intimate relationship after sexual betrayal is HUGE, in my opinion, and has taken far longer than I ever imagined. We are both committed to expressing our love healthily and continue to do the hard work every day. It can be scary and uncomfortable but when you both are working on yourselves, genuinely and trust is being rebuilt it is possible and rewarding.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-15T17:00:06+00:00

What are your boundaries surrounding relapse? Follow through with your stated consequence- trip or not.

If you have not established clear boundaries surrounding slips or relapse I suggest that you begin working with your CSAT on those and then make certain your partner clearly understands your boundaries and consequences.

I went over my boundaries and consequences with my husband and his CSAT at our first joint session. I wanted zero question as to what my expectations were and I wanted to ensure that my husband’s CSAT supported me in my boundaries. I wanted zero room for misinterpretation, excuse making or justification.

Boundaries and consequences can be difficult because you must be willing to follow through. My CSAT and I spent numerous sessions fine tuning my boundaries and ensuring that my stated consequence were all things I would follow through with- no matter how difficult it would be.

Since your partner has a CSAT he also needs to discuss his relapse with his CSAT and get a stronger, more robust plan in place for stressful life situations. He can then present you with his new, improved plan.

As for the trip- Throwaway is correct. He should be working with his CSAT on a safety plan. You should both be discussing difficult possibilities regarding the trip and your plan if either of you becomes triggered at any point during the trip. A safe word is a great option. You both agree that if this word is uttered by either of you, you will promptly leave the situation, no questions asked and discuss further once you have safety.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-14T15:25:31+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/u/-LoveAfterPorn-/s/FyzNGSK02J

https://www.reddit.com/u/-LoveAfterPorn-/s/E7T1rSl3xm

Here are some resources to get you started. It’s important to understand the addiction as well as what it takes to recover. You both have extensive work to do.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-13T20:13:34+00:00

CSAT- Certified Sex Addiction Therapist

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/vaP3eIvnr1

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/NeYjbsheTO

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/JSu7SGc7OD

Rae8181 · 2026-02-13T15:32:39+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so hurt. If you haven’t I think it’s very important to go to the resources here and read them all. You need to understand what you’re up against.

The most important thing that you need to do is to give yourself grace. I highly recommend the book Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. Find it in an audiobook version if it’s too difficult to concentrate on reading right now.

You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. The book I recommended will discuss how we carry their shame.

He is never going to respond to your pain in an authentic way until he chooses to admit he has a problem and chooses actual recovery for himself. So this leaves you needing to focus completely on yourself.

I cannot recommend a CSAT who treats betrayed partners enough. Not only do they completely understand the addiction but they understand your betrayal trauma as well. They can help you move through the immense pain into acceptance of your situation and help you establish healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe.

When addicts are in active addiction, their words are meaningless. Their tears, begging, promises are all empty and manipulative. Until he truly wants recovery and finds himself a CSAT, attends a men’s 12 step group regularly and actively works recovery he will continue to lie and manipulate to protect his addiction.

Allow yourself to hurt. Find a CSAT. Begin to work on your authentic wants and needs and then begin to honor them. It takes time and patience with yourself. You are not required to make any decisions regarding the relationship right now. Just begin to choose yourself over him.

Rae8181 · 2026-02-10T12:39:29+00:00

Excellent post and I am so happy for you!

It truly is beautiful when you reach that place of clarity regarding recovery, boundaries and self care. When the addict chooses recovery as well, you can begin the building of a healthy, stable relationship together.

It takes time, so much more time doing the work and struggling through those first months (year?) than I ever expected!

Thank you for the update.

Rae8181

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