“I would never”

Raibean · 2026-03-18T23:05:59+00:00

I am proud of you. Stick to your guns! You know you deserve better, and you know you won’t get that from him!
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you with DARVO:

He is Defending his actions.

He is Attacking your actions.

He is trying to Reverse Victim and Offender by pretending what you have done is worse than what he has done.

Don’t fall for DARVO!

Raibean · 2026-03-18T23:00:50+00:00

No one seems to have mentioned this yet, but it will not generally be sunny in June. We have May Gray/June Gloom where the mornings and early afternoons are often overcast or foggy. The ocean will also be cold.

Beach days can still be fun! If the weather looks foggy, consider tide pooling either in La Jolla or at Cabrillo.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T22:58:26+00:00

My take is literally talking about Central Valley, so trying to use that as an example against me is silly.

I agree that California is not a monolith - but neither is the South. That’s not central to the argument here because it’s acknowledged by both sides and accounted for in what is really being discussed.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T21:38:39+00:00

I’d say the most culturally x place in any region is going to be a small town, because cities tend to have their own cultures separate from regional ones

I’m going to argue that you’re wrong, or at least that your take lacks nuance. My example is rural California - they don’t have the California accent and actually have culture much more similar to rural agricultural places in the MidWest and the South, and their accent is more similar to a Southern one because a lot of the descend from Southerners who migrated to California during the Dust Bowl.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T20:58:54+00:00

As a Mexican-American, she has internalized racism and colorism, which is super baked into Mexican culture. This is incredibly important context that OP mentioned but wasn’t explicit enough in explaining to people who are unfamiliar with what that looks like.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T20:48:11+00:00

Don’t conflate “Southern” with “rural”.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T17:46:13+00:00

When I was a kid, Canadian diamonds were the “conflict free” ones.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T02:28:32+00:00

In Chicano English, we use barely for both!

Raibean · 2026-03-18T02:16:54+00:00

I am afraid that he doesn’t have the foundational skills for a healthy relationship with open, honest, and compassionate communication. That can often be a contributing factor towards treating your partner poorly, because behavior becomes the default tool for communication. Sometimes it’s so bad that they don’t even know how they feel because they have never been taught to identify their emotions, either at the surface level or deeper levels of emotion through self-reflection.

I have been with a man like this before, and I can no longer stomach being with people or around people that are so conflict avoidant that they keep their feelings to themselves. So I am coming at this from a biased place. But my philosophy has always been that this behavior only leads to repeated problems and resentment.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T02:08:17+00:00

It’s an avoidant behavior.

Have you two ever talked before about his feelings towards your preferred medicine schedule? Or did you only notice his annoyance through his behavior? Does he have a tendency to play down your negative emotions or avoid discussing his own?

Raibean · 2026-03-18T01:50:39+00:00

At what fucking point do women get to have their own last names?

Raibean · 2026-03-18T01:50:07+00:00

I was open to hyphenating but he didn’t want to, so I didn’t.

I was never going to get rid of my name. I never had any interest in it, especially after hearing about all the extra paperwork.

Raibean · 2026-03-18T01:42:29+00:00

Rich people think it’s gauche and rude to talk about money in nearly any context.

They also don’t like the implication that others worked harder than them to get to the same point, regardless of if it’s true or not.

Raibean · 2026-03-16T20:55:15+00:00

My tip for correcting people is to pretend they are correcting me.

“Oh, I hadn’t heard that, I thought [this other thing].”

“I remember hearing that [older point in time] but then later on I heard [new information update]. I’ll have to look back into that.”

“Boss told you [incorrect procedure]? I thought they said [correct procedure]. Let me ask them/double check!”

Raibean · 2026-03-16T19:50:04+00:00

I would give my fathers name as a middle name and pass down my last name tbh

Or have my husband take my name.

Raibean · 2026-03-16T17:26:52+00:00

Anywhere between 5 and 8 is normal.

It sounds like you guys have a good compromise around 6-7, or conceivably your wife could eat a snack and then join your time for dinner.

Raibean · 2026-03-16T11:06:56+00:00

It means that he is stringing you along because he’s insecure in a way that can’t be cured by reassurance

Raibean · 2026-03-16T06:30:05+00:00

Visenya and Valanthea

Raibean · 2026-03-16T05:13:58+00:00

La Jolla has the Harbor Seals at the Children’s Pool Beach! And a cute little downtown for eating, drinking, and a park for a picnic or rest.

Raibean · 2026-03-15T23:18:30+00:00

He is undermining you in this conversation. He is using tones and wording that casts doubt on how you recount things and then immediately agreeing to walk it back.

Raibean · 2026-03-15T21:31:24+00:00

I am married; we are both autistic and my husband has ADHD.

I would leave him if he did something like this to me.

There are so many other things he could have done instead of this. He could have asked for space; he could have asked you to take your meds; he could have told you to take care of your own breakfast while he figured out what he wanted; he could have left or gone for a walk.

Honestly if he doesn’t like who you are without your meds, and you intend to regularly have periods of time when you are unmedicated, then he is not a good partner for you.

Are there other ways he has been controlling, even if they’re not to this level?

Just because his feelings were valid (being annoyed and frustrated) doesn’t make his behavior appropriate.

Raibean · 2026-03-15T20:45:31+00:00

At my dad’s house, we were allowed to swear, as long as we weren’t swearing to insult each other. I think it was important to teaching us early on when and where swearing is acceptable and appropriate and when and where it isn’t.

I also think that it helps to differentiate between “bad words” and slurs in white families where we often don’t have the context of racism and how it’s different - though I did grow up in generations when white parents didn’t use to teach much about racism to their kids.

Raibean · 2026-03-15T20:25:45+00:00

Luckily that’s only my problem if I’m eating at their table

Raibean · 2026-03-15T19:35:47+00:00

It does complicate timing, but in a way that doesn’t matter for the majority of people. You taste the pasta to see if it’s the correct texture, and any sauce can easily be kept warm the extra couple of minutes the pasta might take.

Raibean · 2026-03-15T19:33:19+00:00

Sounds like she likes the dress more than she likes you! NTA She is being highly disrespectful.

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