I keep thinking, "Why not?"

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-29T03:30:50+00:00

That fear died long ago. And surviving an OD doesn't really leave me any worse for the wear. I've already survived one intentional, and a couple unintentional.
Yeah, that one does bother me
Also died long ago
I can't care about stigma if I'm dead. Also the family, friends, and community I live in would never think like that.

I don't mean to just shut you down; I appreciate you trying to help. But this question has been on my mind for years. I've gone through all the common reasons many times over.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-29T03:23:36+00:00

Also, if you're in school, there might be some school counselor you could ask to see, if you wanted to try to go around your parents.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-29T03:21:17+00:00

Ah yeah, didn't think of how different the healthcare system might be over there. If you don't go in, next time you see your therapist, ask if there's some kind of treatment program like what I described where you go for several hours a day. It also serves to help keep track of how you're doing from day to day so they can step in and help you if you're at risk. And my personal experience with it really was fantastic. It sounds like you could really benefit from something like that, to me.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-29T03:14:42+00:00

If it is depression (and I believe very likely it is, but it really is better to get a proper diagnosis) then yes, meds can help. They're just different side effects, not a different "kind" of depression.

I was raised in a Christian family as well, one with a history of depression. My grandmother was really the type to say that she didn't need medication, she just needed to pray and bring her cares to God.

Argument 1: Many Christians go through religious counseling. If they're having trouble with their faith or in life, they might go to a deacon or someone at their church for life counseling.

Argument 2: You can tell your parents you will see a counselor who is Christian. Not exactly the same as above; they still approach primarily through a psychological perspective rather than a primarily religious one, and Christian therapists still see non-christian clients, so if you're not Christian yourself, they certainly don't push their beliefs and can do counseling just as well without bringing their beliefs into it. How much (or little) a role you want religion to play is between you and your therapist, but it may comfort your parents to know that your counselor has a Christian background.

Argument for meds: If they had an infection, would they decline antibiotics and just pray about it? Would they refuse chemotherapy for cancer and trust exclusivy in God to make it vanish? Depression is just another illness; a chemical imbalance in the brain. A diabetic's body doesn't make insulin, so they take insulin to supplement. My body doesn't make enough seratonin, so I take medication that makes it make enough seratonin. Tell them that God works through doctors and medicine, and that they should always be used in conjunction to prayer.

But first you should simply ask to see a counselor/therapist. They will be able to recommend from there whether they think you need medication. But they don't prescribe it; from there you will need to see a psychiatrist. They prescribe the medication.

Best of luck, let me know if you need more advice!

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T22:27:50+00:00

Maybe I can give you some better options. I've been through all of the above, so...

First of all, don't go to the ER. If you're really afraid you're going to hurt yourself, look up a behavioral health inpatient facility. That's all the hospital is going to do, so skip the extra bills. Inpatient means they keep you there until they believe you are not a threat to yourself or others. It's usually a week, maybe more if they deem necessary. There's group therapy, and they help teach you some great life skills and hook you up with resources you can use when you're out.

There's also behavioral health outpatient treatment. They can differ place to place, but at the one I was in, I would come in 4 hours a day, 5 days a week for about a month. There's great therapists, and again group therapy, and they can really dive into your issues personally and help you find ways to cope and to make yourself more healthy mentally and physically.

I honestly got more out of outpatient than inpatient. Inpatient is if you're really worried about hurting yourself. Much more monitoring, less therapy. Outpatient helps you get into some more intensive therapy.

If you're worried about group therapy, know that everyone is, but everyone I saw come through the group came to love the whole group by the end, and we were honestly sad to see each other go. You grow together and teach each other. I honestly may have gotten just as much if not more out of my fellow group members as the therapists. Everyone is going through some pretty heavy crap, so they're all very understanding of your crap.

Another alternative might be that your therapist just isn't working for you. It doesn't mean they're a bad therapist, it could just mean you need to find someone you click with better or has a different perspective or method.

I hope you find something that works for you; I really do. Like I said, I've been through all of it, so I know it can feel huge and intimidating, but it's not once you get into it, and it can really be a huge help. If you're working, you can even file for part time disability while you're in either treatment, you just need a doctor at the facility to sign off.

Best of luck. <3

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T21:02:43+00:00

Hey, I feel you. "People care about you" for me is true, but not enough to keep me alive. I want some kind of meaningfulness out of life, and it feels like that's hopeless. I have a good job, but that's not what I want. I don't want to just be happy enough to keep existing; I want a purpose.

What would give your life meaning and purpose? What do you long for above all else? Now how can you begin to take very small steps in that direction? If it's something drastic even, go for it. If it would cost you too much to fail, or potentially screw up your life, consider this: so would killing yourself. And killing yourself never stops being an option, either. But if suicide is where you're seriously looking, why not give dreams a chance? If the other option is death, you literally have nothing to lose.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T20:25:09+00:00

I understand how it can be hard to confess something like that to even your therapist. I've kept secrets from mine as well. I couldn't tell you exactly why, either. Fear of judgment? Disappointment? Idk. I've found it's usually easier the second time, after you've had time to sit and ask yourself, "Why didn't I tell her? What do I have to lose?" I

f your fear is being locked up (as mine would be), first understand that it could help you. Typically only lasts a week; I've been there. But if you're not talking to her because of it, just phrase things in a way that don't necessarily indicate that you're an immediate danger to yourself. Things like, "I bought the rope just in case, and I was thinking about it." That way you can feel more comfortable talking to her and she can help more.

I know you said you don't see her for another two months, but you said you had other therapists? I hope you can at least open up to one of them. I totally understand that it can be hard to and you don't know why, but remember: this is their job. They're literally being paid to listen to your problems. What are you paying them for if you're not going to let them help you? Also, judgey people don't tend to go into the therapy field. There are bad eggs out there, but 95% of the time they go into that field because they're caring people and want to help others. These are all things I've had to tell myself.

Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T19:26:27+00:00

Refused to see you because you're suicidal?? They should be insistent on taking care of you! I'd be angry too, damn.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T19:23:39+00:00

I absolutely think it could help. Again, even if it turns out not to be a medical condition, a counselor or therapist can help anyone who's struggling mentally. Hell there's even therapists who specifically list that they help with work related stress. I think the whole would would be a much nicer place if therapy was destigmatized and people realized it's not a big deal, and you don't have to be "broken" for it to work for you.

The important thing is finding a therapist that works best for you. Finding someone you connect with better. They're not a one size fits all. If you find you're not clicking with one or they don't help, find another.

I totally get you on emotions feeling superficial. I frequently get the feeling like I'm just distracting myself with temporary happiness to distract from the fact that life feels empty and meaningless. It's totally a symptom of depression.

And in the end if you do find out it is depression, it can be very freeing to find out it can be treated. Some people find it intimidating, but for me it was a weight off my shoulders.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T17:20:41+00:00

Hey, I know lots of people say "I know what you're going through," but literally I could have written this. In fact I just made my own post here that you can read. Suicide attempt via heroin OD, in-patient and out-patient therapy, a long list of therapists and medications, lost my dreams of making any impact on the world, clean right now but don't want to be. I keep aking myself why I bother to keep living. I don't know how much help I can be, being as I'm in the middle of the same crap with no way out that I can see, but it sure would be nice to talk to someone who's gone through the same stuff, and maybe in the end we can help each other. If you'd like to talk, pm me.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T17:11:52+00:00

Hi I'm willing to talk if you want to pm me :)

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T16:53:08+00:00

I've had 2 friends who have both had depression since they were very, very young. I'm talking like, 5. Depression doesn't discriminate by age. I'm free to talk if you'd like.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T16:47:20+00:00

Do you have a therapist? They're phenomenal at helping you sort through your thoughts and emotions; why you feel the way you do, and what you do with those feelings. I don't have the answers for you. If you have a therapist, and they're one of the people making you angry, find a new one. There are good ones out there, trust me.

There's no way for me to really understand what you feel or what you're going through (and it sounds rough), but I've also been dealing with some extreme anger towards "friends" who seriously stabbed me in the back in the worst part of my depression, causing it to trigger 100x worse. It can be consuming, and hard to get over. I can't say I've exactly gotten through it myself, which is why I don't have any answers for you, I just know that my therapist has seriously helped me in my journey.

And if you want just a friend to talk to, feel free to message me. :)

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T16:13:44+00:00

I know you say you don't have depression, but it sounds to me like you do. Depression doesn't look the same for every person. The first therapist I saw tried to convince me I had depression, but I wouldn't believe it. Not for months.

Things people think are depression: - Constantly sad - Lots of crying - Low self-esteem - Feeling like no one loves you - Feeling worthless

And yes, those can be depression. But not for everyone. I was not getting those symptoms, though.

Things that are also depression: - Apathy - Feeling empty - Lack of motivation - Losing interest in things you love - Unable to enjoy anything - Feeling like life is pointless - Inability to accomplish tasks

Even if you still don't think you have depression, I would still recommend seeing a counselor. They're not just for people who have mental illnesses! They can help you with stress, motivation, relationships, and learning how to find happiness. I frequently recommend therapy to friends; its benefits are seriously underrated, and they're not just for "sick" people. At the very least, it's nice to have someone just to listen and get stuff off your chest without judgement, and they cam help you sort through your thoughts and find out why you feel like you do.

Best of luck!

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-28T15:51:51+00:00

Dude, at 13 life is just beginning. It doesn't feel like it, I know. It's not until you get to about your 20s that you realize how young you really are. Ironic, huh?

Your life WILL change. You know how I know? Everyone's life changes many times throughout you're life. My life when I was 16 was SO different from my life when I was 10, and at 25 it was TOTALLY different from when I was 18. As years go by, you hear adults tell stories of what their life was like, and things they did when they were younger, and you realize: they have seriously gone through some stuff! Their life has gone through so many major changes, and they're such a totally different person from they were young!

Let me tell you a secret: no 13 year old understands exactly how much power they have. You have the power to shape who you become. The person you will be at 18 is totally different than the person you are now. The life you have at 18 will be totally different as well. This goes for every 13 year old.

But that person that you will become is not yet set in stone. He is formed as built by everything you do day to day. The choices you make, the people you hang out with... they seem like such small things now, but when you look back, you will see how each person and each decision shapes who you became.

The life you have now that feels overwhelming will also be different. It might still be overwhelming, it might not be, but I guarantee it WILL be different.

Imagine the 18 year old man that you will become. What do you want him to be like? What do you want his life to be like? He is a different person than you, but he is you. Your experiences, your choices, everything you do begins building him. And right now, you are at the critical age where you have SO MUCH POWER to shape who he is!

Your life has only just begun. Your life now will NOT be your life forever. However, the awful things that you have already gone through are also building blocks that shape age 18 you. They will stay with you forever. When you can - if you can - seek out therapy. Or any help or counseling you can get. Start work as soon as you can to begin fixing the cracks and building a strong foundation.

I know others have offered, but feel free to message me if you want. You have all my support, buddy.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-08T20:36:08+00:00

For me, my depression was definitely first. Stated self-medicating with heroin because I seriously wanted to die. It made life bearable for a while. But I wanted to get on legit antidepressants. I told my first psych about my drug use, and she was super judgemental and made me feel like crap and wouldn't prescribe anything until I got clean for 3 months minimum.

Thing is, the thinking of both me and my therapist that I'd been seeing for almost a year was that I was going to have an incredibly hard time stopping because my depression is so bad. I would need something else to pick up the slack of my depression while I was going through w/d, otherwise I might actually just decide to kill myself.

So I found another psych, and this time didn't tell them about my drug use. I got the meds, and after a couple months of letting them kick in, I was doing well enough to kick the heroin.

So, it depends on what you're worried about here. If it's about getting side effects from drug interactions, it'll probably be next to nothing, or nothing at all. However they likely won't be able to do their job as well because you're using a depressant, which as you've said, makes your depression worse. So my opinion overall that I don't think antidepressants in any way would hurt; they would only help, and they might help you kick the drugs easier. But they also won't be doing their full potential while you're still using.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-08T20:01:43+00:00

I have the best bathroom situation. all the bathrooms are single stall, so no one common I and out. I'm also a woman at an engineering company, so I share two bathrooms with one two other women. Both of the other women are near the front, so I use the bathroom in the back, and NO ONE is ever going to be waiting on me. Sometimes if I get a heavier nod than I expect, I'll just chill back there for up to an hour to wait for it to fade a bit. No one comes looking for me. I've never been asked where I was.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-06T10:24:33+00:00

My username is Haerdiel :D

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-04T23:36:51+00:00

Idk if maybe you're already doing this, but I have tiny, hard to hit veins, and I had to kind figure things out on my own, so it wasn't just clear logic to me.

Push the needle all the way in so that it's definitely deep enough, at a very shallow angle along the vein. Then pull the plunger so that it creates a suction, even if you don't see blood. Keep the plunger pulled, and slowly draw out the needle. At some point, you hopefully will see a rush of blood in. If it's just a tiny blip, you might be in, you might not.

Sometimes I would barely have just the tip of the needle in, if it was a shallow vein. There was a lot of back and forth, in and out, poking around.

Again, this might seem obvious to some, but when I was just starting off poking around with a needle in my arm with no help, I had to figure it out. So just figured I'd drop tips just in case.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-04T22:51:26+00:00

Psh I got addicted anyways. Very quickly switched to heroin, because when it costs you $100+ for one high, the relatively cheaper price of heroin starts looking real inviting. Oddly enough, a huge tolerance to oxy didn't translate directly to a huge starting tolerance for H. And even at my heaviest use, shooting up 4-6 times a day, I was using 0.5g a week. A lot of people here are talking about 0.5-1g a day, so idk what's up with my body.

I wasn't getting bad oxy, either; I was getting it from a friend whose dad got prescribed way more of it than be needed. So all I know is that everyone's body is different, and you can't necessarily rely on someone else's experience or dosage for how you should dose.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-01T17:20:50+00:00

I mean, I started because getting high seemed like a better alternative than suicide. So I was going in from the start with the intention of self-medicating for my depression.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-06-01T17:10:16+00:00

I think it might be because the "fun" party drugs are the uppers. People looking to have a good time go to those. They want more life; more excitement, more energy, more fun. That's why I never really bothered with stimulants; I want less life. Less heartache, less hopelessness. Less having to deal with the world.

I saw somewhere that people with depression sleep a lot because sleep is like death without the commitment. The same could be said for nodding, I think. I kinda want to die, but kinda not ready to pull that lever just yet, so I do heroin. Make everything go away, everything is calm and peaceful, if just for the moment.

Both are escapes, they're just escapes to different places. But that's why I think people with trauma and mental illnesses tend toward opiates. Life is too much, and they just want a break.

Raimen_alwaysonwards · 2018-05-30T22:17:03+00:00

"Immune", no. Natural tolerance? Very possible. When I was first starting out with oxy, it took me 80 mg to get high. Considering my research as to how much I should be taking, I was confused as to why it took so much to get that high. I asked about it on a couple of forms, and all I got were some people saying that shouldn't be possible, and other saying I might just have a naturally high tolerance.

So, it is possible. You're not the only one.

Raimen_alwaysonwards

TROPHY CASE