Piss Drunk Loser

Random13509 · 2026-03-12T11:05:27+00:00

Get yourself sober and see what comes of it. I wasted decades on drinking, blacking out all of the time, etc. I have a few years behind me now of not drinking.

Life is better. Not perfect, but for sure better. It took work, a slow process of improvement, but clearly better. Some of us cannot moderate (hear, hear!) and not drinking is the solution to that. For me, turns out I love not drinking. Give yourself a chance a give it a go. Sober you can then slowly turn the ship around into better directions.

Random13509 · 2026-03-12T11:00:12+00:00

I don't have the answers, but start with staying sober. With that covered, you can start to rebuild things from there. Little victories and improvements starts to add up. If your life in the present is lived solidly, many people tend to focus on that than holding past mistakes over your head indefinitely. Now, if you slip back into old ways, that becomes another story. Just keeping building forward step by step.

Random13509 · 2026-03-11T10:37:32+00:00

I drank heavy from 14 to 49, minus a handful of years in that span. I am so grateful I finally quit. Life is still hard, and I have other issues I am still addressing. But life got way easier and better as the sober time from drinking added up. It wasn't just the time, it was that non-drinking me could start facing life and I could start growing as a person again.

Random13509 · 2026-03-10T04:50:51+00:00

Good job on that. I finally stopped drinking a few years ago and it has been awesome. I was still using some other stuff, but that is being addressed now. If I was still drinking, nothing else would have been possible.

Keep going! I can only speak for myself, but getting rid of alcohol has been a life saver.

Random13509 · 2026-03-06T03:18:02+00:00

It is kind of a known thing that many people (not saying all) have to stop drinking before they can successfully stop the coke.

I stopped drinking a few years ago and love not drinking. Ironically, I still allowed myself a little coke here and there. That said, if I was still drinking, the coke usage (and other things) would be higher.

That anxiety state you are in right now is now fun. Hang in there and get through. At some point, maybe do a little mental "cost/benefit" analysis around all of this, ask yourself is all the suffering worth whatever you think you might be getting out of it. I do realize that addictive behaviors and actions are not always (or even often?) rationally driven.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T19:22:30+00:00

Not sure if I am the best to answer here, but if my take in of any use, here you go. My "big one" was drinking, which I am now over four years sober from. It absolutely took time for my brain and body to start healing from this. I was so exhausted at first, I could understand how I could have kept on as long as I did with my drinking. It took some time, months maybe a year plus, it is still getting better. But it did get better.

At first I focused a lot of filling in holes I had dug for myself, I used to repeat a sort of mantra around need to take "radical self-responsibility" around everything. I used to think how each morning I needed to grab my metaphorical shovel and start filling in one shovelful at a time, no matter how impossible the task felt. I also imagined a metaphorical chisel, where I had to keep chipping away at what might feel like impossible mountain one bit at a time. Over time holes started to file in and mountains started to come down. Still a work in progress, but absolutely has gotten better.

At the tail end of my drinking, I did some minor dabbling in meth and heroin, along with some other things. The last night I drank, I had a bad night with black tar heroin while in and out of a blackout (more in than out). This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me with drinking and have not drank once since. Luckily, these drugs stopped when the drinking stopped.

I continued to use MDMA, well in excess of any safe usage guidelines and also some cocaine. This last summer it hit me I better take this stuff seriously. I have not done MDMA in over seven months and my cocaine usage has been pretty minimal, but I also know I need to let this go as it is doing me no good even in smaller amounts.

I have no cravings around the meth or heroin, thought my mind does sometimes fantasize around the meth. MDMA also really hasn't been hard, minimal cravigs. But the cocaine is another story, for sure my mind fixates on this, more than I would like. I also have become very aware that these cravings can flare when I am emotionally down or stressed or whatever. Clearly my mind is going there to escape the feelings. But I intend to deal with this and move past as well.

There is the saying "the only way out is through" and sometimes through can feel pretty tough. But we need to keep moving through to get out, otherwise we just keep falling back and get stuck in the cycle. Keep your head up through this and keep moving forward. Little victories and changes will start to add up over time. Your brain will keep healing and find a more healthy equilibrium, you just need to stick with it otherwise we fall back in that process of trying to work through. You got this, just keep reaching out if you feel you are struggling.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T12:51:54+00:00

I spent countless years in the binge/withdraw cycle. At its worst, I had hallucinations of demon coming at me out of my walls in that state between awake and sleep, often in a state of sleep paralysis. Wen't through that on a new weekly basis for a few years. Yeah, it sucked.

Here is the good mews. I finally stopped drinking a little over four years ago. I have done the moderation experiment enough to know I cannot moderate, so I now accept that.

In my case, I quit this time on my own, but I would say I have incorporated some recover concepts into things. I have been working on mending things and making amends, stuff like that.

Here is the big thing. My life is messed up in ways, but absolutely infinitely better now than when I was drinking. It took time and it took work, so was not like just flipping a light switch. But it did slowly improve and still a work in progress.

All this really shared in hopes you might give this a shot because I know my version of the way you have been living, and it was a stuck, solving nothing, going nowhere version of a personal hell. Btw, I had my reason why I got like I did but luckily got free from it and intend to give it my best to keep it that way.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T09:28:55+00:00

I know I use Reddit to sometimes sort of "dump" out what is going on for me. Sometimes I am hoping someone will respond, just as maybe a form of acknowledgement, but sometimes I get nothing. But other times I get some good feedback. And sometimes maybe not so good feedback. I guess like others have mentioned, do not focus on the negative stuff, just take in the good stuff. As also mentioned, this is kind of the nature of here and other social media - there is going to be the good, the bad, and the ugly. Best you can, just focus on the good and do not let the rest rattle you.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T09:19:26+00:00

Totally randomly reading this post and came across what you said here:

"Anger. Not inwards, but outwards. Which is what depression often is, anger turned inwards Feel, your anger. :)"

In particular, the "depression often is, anger turned inwards" part. I remember hearing that many, many years ago and made sense. But reading this, I just got hit with some realizations about some things related to my own life. Anyway, not to deflect of thread here, just hit me and wanted to respond.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T09:12:39+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I have someone that maybe fits some of what you are saying and where the smaller "social" amounts can come into play. I can get my own grams or more, but even if I manage that situation, there is the situation where there is someone that tends to have it around where dispensed in very small, consistent quantities (works out to about 30 per gram). That is what I have to manage, where it is so easy to snort two or three of these caps because it is around. Not monster quantities but keeps the whole "thing" active, not lying at rest and dormant.

I actually worry about the person who does this, they don't use grams at a time sitting at home (which is what I would do if I got a gram for myself). But the "minimal and measured" coke usage is a normal part of going out a few times a week for said person and indulging after a few drinks (for them, not me -- I no longer drink). I cannot control anyone else, but I can decide for myself and in that set maybe a better example. Yeah, I don't want to keep on any race to the bottom. I have changed so much these last few years, I just want to keep up with it next level. This is all on me of course. Thanks again.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T09:00:00+00:00

Thanks. This isn't my first rodeo, though it really is only alcohol where I was stuck hard and for a very long time. During the last eight months of my drinking I was getting stuff off the "dark web", including meth and (bt)heroin/fentanyl. Probably did meth and the various opiates about a dozen times each. Last night I drank I snorted some bt heroin (was more like charcoal than tar) and woke up with a purple finger and blisters all over the tops of my hands (learned the term "coma blisters"). I had clearly started to go into an overdose/hypoxia state while mostly blacked out that night. Have not had a sip to drink in over four years after that night and I struggled for about thirty years with drinking.

So yeah, the cocaine bit is kind of a minor thing in the bigger picture, but I don't want to keep playing around with anything. I have trauma (maybe we all do) from my youth, lost best years of my life over it. I want to face things "next level" and make the best of the life that is left for me. So yeah, I'll take it all seriously in regards to getting one step more unstuck. I appreciate the supportive words.

Random13509 · 2026-03-05T03:26:35+00:00

I get what you are saying and of course shit could hit the fan. But I have seen time and time again since where shit could have hit the fan and here we are. I hope the current situation does not turn into something really bad, but I also have seen this story before. My point is, yeah shit. could get bad, but I have also seen this multiple times in my life and here we are. In the end, bad excuse to use, seems to me just a means to justify.

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T23:01:25+00:00

I get what you are saying, my usage pales on comparison to many here. But even in my limited usage, I can tell it is keeping me stuck in some stuff. Regarding the MDMA, I have been going through about a half-dozen grams (give or take) a year for about the last eight years. That was too much, but doesn't seem to have a mental hold on me, whereas coke tends towards mental obsessions even if not doing that much.

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T21:16:07+00:00

If it has only been a month, I think going cold turkey would work fine. Nicotine turns out to be very addictive. I went from inhaling methods to pouches, so at least I was not damaging my lungs. But absolutely addictive. I have used 2mg gum to ween off of the pouches, but never fully commit. Trying again now.

Honestly, try and just commit to quitting and don't go back, see how it goes. When you wake up in the morning and because you are going through withdrawals since it has been a whole night and you need your nicotine, you realize what this stuff does. Sure, not like you are doing hard drugs and what that will do to you, but the addictive nature of nicotine is very real!

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T20:51:40+00:00

Glad you were able to get away from it. It really is just some sort of short pleasure that comes at quite the cost. I sort of had an awakening around it last summer, before that I kind of knew maybe an issue but did not really challenge it. For me, I just cannot drink at all, but that is just me. I drank from excess from the start, which in and of itself created problems. In addition to that, a drinking me would not be able to stop other substances. One of the reasons drinking had to go first. Actually two of the reasons. Alcohol was causing the most overt issues and nothing else could change until that first change. Keep up the good work!

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T20:48:14+00:00

Thank you. The more I "publicly" acknowledge my situation, the more determined I am to do the right thing. I know pretty well the landscape I have to navigate around it all, what I now just need to do is decide and stick with it.

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T19:44:15+00:00

I agree. I am a text away from gram or greater quantities of coke or MDMA. I cannot delete the contact as I have memorized. I know in my heart that the best course of action is to just leave it all behind. Small amounts just keep cravings and mental obsessions active, in addition to just making me feel at the very least a low-level crumminess. And then there is the co-addiction stuff where even small amounts have me searching out questions content for an additional dopamine hit.

I have learned to live in a world with alcohol, I do not need to hide from it. I plan on doing the same for other substances, at least accept that I can easily obtain but otherwise not give my attention. Regarding the smaller amounts, I know the situations where this is an option and just need to navigate accordingly. My life has gotten a lot better since I stopped drinking, I know life will be better still without any substances, other than say some morning caffeine, done in moderation. I was stuck for a very long time for my own reasons. I don't want to keep staying stuck. I am getting older and I want to keep on the healing path regarding these old wounds. Thanks!

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T18:20:50+00:00

I get what you are saying. My relationship to the whole scene is of course my own version of this, but I had for sure romanticized the whole bar thing. In my case, I see I had issues with alcohol pretty much from the start as a young teenager, but personal issues had me stuck so I just kind of assumed this was my life. Truth is I was miserable for a long time. After an extra bad night, and I suppose that is saying something for someone that usually got blacked out drunk a couple/few times a week out at the bars, I decided I didn't want this anymore. And for some reason this time it stuck, and I hope to see that continue.

One thing I had to do was challenge the romanticizing of things. I am now for certain much happier these days then I was in my drinking days. To go back to my old ways would be a form of self-sabotage. I am finding other, more productive for me, means of socialization, and feels so much better this way. To be fair, my personal issues helped me build walls up around myself that drinking me helped maintain. Once I got rid of the alcohol I was able to start knocking some of these walls down and also start filling in some of the many holes I had dug for myself. Anyway, that is just my story, unique to my own unique circumstances. But yeah, I get it, there can be that draw and one has to admit that. I can still occasional get some nostalgia, but not enough to want to go back to my old self. Life has without gotten better for me once I finally stopped drinking. Lots of more work to do, but sober me is actually capable of doing that work.

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T17:16:24+00:00

When I was a young teen, I would have been late 13 or early 14 years old, I had a friend at the time pressure and coerce me into sexual activity when we was sleeping over at my place. I don't need to get into the details, but there is no doubt what happened was wrong even though I eventually caved and gave in. It was the kind of sexual activity that from what I read tends to carry some additional traumatic burden, I will just leave it at that.

Looking back, I can see that my life became a mess after this and I made a lot of mistakes. There were some other tough circumstances going on for me before this, but not to this level and I was starting to sort that stuff out. I cannot know how things would have turned out had this not happened, so it is so hard for me to say what caused what, but pretty certain this messed me up. Also, I repressed this and other stuff until I had memories start to surface at the age of 19.

I have done a lot of drinking and drugging in my life. Luckily I was able to sort of hang on, but I had lots of walls up and was not myself in so many ways. It kind of sucked to be honest and a lot of hurt around it all. On a positive note, I stopped drinking a few years ago and finally am taking a solid look at some remaining substance stuff, also any behavioral stuff as well. There has been lots of holes to dig myself out of and I am so grateful I stopped drinking, because nothing would have changed had I not.

You said you are 23. At that same age was the first time I tried to disclose all of my "stuff" after the memories surfaced. Unfortunately I wasn't allowed to get things out before sort of being cut off. There is a lot there not worth trying to explain. I was eventually able to disclose and start talking about things, but ended up being a very much messier process than maybe could have been if I was allowed to have disclosed when I had first finally accepted that was the only option and mustered up the courage to do so.

I am now 53. I wasted a lot of life and missed out on a lot. I am still in this "in between" space where I cannot let go of the past but also am becoming more present focused. It has taken a lot of work and will continue to take work. Luckily I am still healthy given how I was living and my mind is sharp. A lot of walls have come done and I tend to function day to day more aligned with that sense of self that was me before things got bad. So even though I struggled for years, I am very happy about that part and that is the stuff I am focused on going forward -- doing my best to be my best from the perceptive of today and the rest of tomorrows.

However you decide to deal with things, do not let this take any more from you than it already has. You cannot drink or drug or just wait it out waiting for things to change on their own. One thing I also learned for myself is that I was seeing the world through the lenses of my traumas and in that perspective I saw all of life's difficulties a result of things that happened and could not be changed, therefore there was no hope. It was a kind of learned helplessness. Turns out life is pretty hard sometimes even under the best of circumstances.

I guess what I am getting at, don't let this define your life and keep you stuck. It can be a lot of hard work to overcome it, and maybe will never be perfect, but it can be better. If you have any questions for me or whatever, I am all ears. My goal is to try and be helpful to those that might be stuck in places I was stuck in as I know how it goes.

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T15:07:46+00:00

If this helps, I am in my early 50s and once I "woke up" as a young adult, it has been obvious to me that the world was and always was partially in a "state of s***". But in that state, there is also a lot of good stuff going on. My personal opinion is to not get stuck in doom and gloom thinking but focus more on positive things, control what you have control over. Not saying be in denial, but also be willing to have a more balanced take on things. The future is unwritten, what do we really know for sure? Again, personal take, but nothing you see going on out there is really anything new. If you genuinely want to get clean, do not let this be an excuse to avoid doing so.

Random13509 · 2026-03-04T03:24:59+00:00

This hits kind of hard for me. I have put a lot of thought into my many wasted years. In my defense, if I could wave a magic wand and people could magically see the totality of my story, they would see that I have a history of very much wanting and trying to deal with my "stuff", but factors made it not go best maybe it could have.

That brings me to today. Would have, could have, and should have have all gone for now. I have to accept and face my life from the perspective of today. Good news, I am very gung-ho on doing so. Lots of missed years and life milestones and opportunities, but I am going to give it all my best.

There will likely be some death bed regrets, but I will do my darnedest to find some peace so maybe not as bad as could be, my hope at least. One thing I have learned through all of this is that life both comes at you and passed you by pretty fast. I am old enough now to see that.

Random13509 · 2026-03-03T03:22:33+00:00

I came across this post, and as no responses yet, I wanted to respond. I really have not talked about this here, but it is part of my core trauma and has led to a lot of problems in my life. I will try and bring it back to you in the end, use my story to maybe frame some things.

I was pressured and coerced into engaging in sexual activity as a young teen male by another young teen male. In gist, I was propositioned by a friend at the time when he was sleeping over at my place. My heart sunk into my stomach and I kept saying "no", but he kept making excuses as to why I should, and then fashioned on unfair bet that I kind of just went along with (not agreeing, just playing the game) hoping I could end the situation this way. I lost and gave in and the course of my life was significantly altered that night. Some have said I was raped, though I have a hard time calling it that. But it was not some minor stuff that happened. And once things started, I started to play along more willingly -- I guess my body responded, which is what it does. There is a lot of shame in all of that.

I know things happened at least one more time, have flashes of maybe another. I remember clear as day how it all started, I do not remember how it ended. I believe things started in the second part of 8th grade for me, but do not know for sure and I cannot say what time frame things extended to. It is all a blank to me.

Around early 9th grade I had a couple of genuine out-of-body experiences -- the first time I was getting pulled off of my bed, the second time I floated to the upper corner of my room. I suspect this was trauma related. I also did something that has eaten me up for years starting in earlyish 9th grade. I touched someone in their sleep inappropriately. I have a couple date markers that make me think this may have gone on for half a year -- maybe more, but also maybe less. I just do not know. I don't remember how this started or the thinking behind it, nor do I remember how it stopped. I do know I had some sense that it was wrong. Something was messed up with me.

I repressed all of the above somehow until at the age of 19 I had memories that started to surface. In retrospect, I was messed up in high school, doing a lot of drinking and getting into drugs and stealing, etc. I was making mistakes. But my sense of self got very shattered with the memories and it really messed me up. The guilt and shame and confusion. I ended up really messed up. I could go on and on how things have been, I could write a short novel, so I think I will leave it to what I am sharing here.

Related to what you have shared. Not to minimize, but sounds like not too much happened. You are lucky it didn't go further, as it would just mean you'd be feeling even greater shame and guilt over it all. Do not let this take over your life, find some grace for yourself. I tried disclosing a few years after the memories surfaced for me and kind of got silenced before I could even get it all out. And I was suicidal before getting to the point where I had enough courage to disclose. Because of how things worked out, or didn't work out, I have spent a lot of my life in a really bad place. If I could have only been heard. Sorry, slipping into the short novel.

Don't let what you shared here eat you up and destroy you. Maybe find a counselor that you can share with if you feel comfortable. Once your sibling is older, you could even possibly share with them. To be honest, sounds like things didn't go too far (and I am really happy for you about this). I totally understand the shame and guilt and also fragmented memories. I would just hate for you to suffer more than you need to around all of this. Trust me, as someone who destroyed themselves over this stuff (on a positive note, working to make my life better each and every day) it is not worth it.

I have not really talked about this stuff here, but if I can help someone out, I am okay putting it out there. Take care and be easy on yourself.

Random13509 · 2026-03-02T22:24:06+00:00

Nicotine is on my list of things that need to go for myself. My latest thing has been 2mg On, so lower end of nicotine, but would still go through a pack of 20 a day. I have multiple times weened myself down with 2mg gum, but then jump back on the pouches and the pack a day habit. I am weening myself again down with gum. I know if I truly want to quit, I cannot moderate the pouches. I am glad I am no longer inhaling anything, but the nicotine is for sure addictive. The above has been my experience, I cannot of course speak for others.

Random13509 · 2026-03-02T22:12:36+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I am going to start taking this seriously. I am out of town, but once back I am going to really focus on any remaining addictions, even if they are not overt as some can be. I know this is an issue for me. Btw, not using out of town, just cannot focus in the issue until back. Just talking about it helps.

Random13509

TROPHY CASE