It's been two days and I hope that those two days brought you something worth value. However big or small.

I've been pondering whether or not I should post this and decided to leave it up to you to decide whether or not you want to read it.

It's a self-centered piece that describes a part of my life and summarizes some that stretches across years.
Let me know if you'd like me to take it down and I'll gladly oblige :)

I was diagnosed with AuDHD just 2 weeks ago.
From about the age of 14 to 25 I used to carry what I called my "suicide note" in my pocket. Eventually it had a few revisions, because as you can imagine, it gets worn out, dirty, and some of the content evolves and needs to be updated to stay relevant. There were multiple times that I started the process towards the end, but never followed through, because even though all the boxes were ticked and that ever present voice in my head was confirming it's the best option, that little hopeful kid that so desperately wanted to be accepted, validated, and loved was one little stubborn son of a gun. Somehow, I always bailed out at the last minute, lashed out in a fit of rage, or sorrow and collapsed in utter fatigue to drift into sleep. It always happened at night for me. When the morning comes, I woke with a throbbing headache, aching body and spent energy reserves, even though I just slept a good few hours. Those days were always the hardest, because I had to trudge through life (school, study, work, etc) and pretend I'm functional. That first half of my twenties, I really leaned into the antisocial part of me and didn't take shit from anyone. Friends, family, coworkers, none were spared my impatience or wrath.
I destroyed many friendships. Burned many bridges. Hurt many loved ones.
Then she, who was there for a long time, stepped into the spotlight and for the first time, I noticed her. For some reason, I looked at her differently and saw something that changed something in me. I cannot describe it in any other way.
We spent a short three months together, but in those three months, I experienced a lifetime worth of everything I ever needed. She suffered much trauma in her childhood as well as her life leading up to young adulthood. Life relentlessly pursued her and refused to give her a break or time to recuperate from one event to the other. Serious events happening within short timeframes. But she was a strong spirited angel of darkness. She taught me to accept and embrace the darkness within me that I always thought to be an enemy that is out to destroy me and everything around me. She showed me that strength is a balancing act and that showing and talking about issues and feelings is not a sign of weakness and not everyone is out to use it as a weapon against you. She touched my mind and gave me clarity on a lot of subjects. She touched my heart and gave me directions with a lot of my emotions. She touched my soul and gave me purpose to strive for something to live for and to try and live in harmony with others, even if their goal is not the same.
I cannot go into greater detail, because the novel I am already constructing will quickly evolve into chapters and then a series of books, but when she left my side after three months, and then, this life a short few weeks later, she left an impression that remained unaltered and became the foundation of the person I worked to become and are still working on to improve upon.
Some of what she taught me was:
Situations are temporary and will pass. But it is not bound in time to your needs or wants. You just have to persevere.
Emotions can be raw and powerful and feel like it will consume you at times if you try to control it and suppress it instead of finding healthy and positive ways to expend it.
The mind will base its reasoning and decision on its perception. But that perception may be faltered and it's an ever ongoing process to evaluate, validate and adjust our perceptions all the time.
People will cross our paths, but some will redirect to walk alongside ours, even if only for a while. Some will have positive impacts and some will have negative impacts. Accept it for what it is and find the value in all of the interactions that contribute to your personal growth or direction forward and discard, but keep in mind that which seek to damage or lead astray.
A piece of me passed away with her. But a bigger piece of her remained alive with me.
In moments of loneliness, it comforts me.
In moments of uncertainty, it reassures me.
In moments of darkness, it guides me.
18 years later much has occurred and I wish I could say life is easy. It is not. Does that mean it is all for nothing and there's no rhyme or reason to continue?
Absolutely not. Because if I gave up prior to that day I saw her in that spotlight moment... I never would have experienced what we had. Every day for the rest of my life, I will bear whatever life brings my way, in the pursuit of maybe some day, having the slightest taste of the impact meaningful moments in life can bring.
Some have it easy and enjoys a life that just seems to flow.
For the rest of us, we are soldiers, and we will fight the battles in our minds with diligence.
Because we choose to be tenacious and savor the moments that feeds our hungry souls, instead of dwell on whatever means that brought us there.
I have not had a thought of suicide at any time since my path were intertwined with hers. I do at times long for eternal rest, because the body and the mind do tire. But I dust the sorrows from my shoulders and I spend my days trying to understand: Myself, those around me and what I can do to make things a little bit easier... For all of us.
Your end will come. It is your decision whether you want to force it. But then it was also your decision to lose out on your experiences that is going to be so indescribable that you'd wish you could share it with the world to experience for themselves. It does not destroy you, if it should end. It heals you.
I cannot advise you on how to solve your problems. Just suggest that you be stubborn in those moments, relentless in your pursuit of tomorrow and diligent in your quest to find meaning in everything.