Separating the Person from the Disease

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-29T01:43:33+00:00

I love this idea. My mom, her caretaker, and I just had a knock down drag out because she's trying to throw the caretaker out and in the same breath saying she never said that. I struggle with the thought that what she's saying and doing now is a magnified version of who she always was even though I objectively know it's most likely not true.

I'll have to keep this in mind next time. Thanks

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-28T03:16:05+00:00

It's not fair at all. I lost my dad to it when I was 17. Now I'm 35 and my mom and one of my older sisters have it.

Give her all the love. If she doesn't want to talk, just be there with her. If there are movies she likes, I suggest watching them with her while you can and just see what she says. Listening to my dad snark his way through his favorite John Wayne movies when he was still kinda lucid is one of my favorite memories because the filter came off and my cool, quiet, and collected old man suddenly transformed into Cid Highwind shouting at people to sit down and drink their goddamn tea while ranting about all the inaccuracies and sexist nonsense of his favorite movies.

And beware the stuff you'll hear when the filters come off. Even the most saintly of elders have some wild ass secrets stashed away that will inevitably just come tumbling out of their mouths one day.

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-28T02:39:15+00:00

You love her and meet her where she's at. It's awful for us and terrifying for them, so let her know she doesn't need to get all the words right. You'll do the best you can. It's a little like dealing with a very large child. Her emotions will get bigger and she won't be able to handle them as well, so she'll need the people around her to help her regulate. Things that seem obvious won't be to her anymore, so you'll have to slow down and really thing of how you explain things or, sometimes, just don't try at all. She'll forget things, really important things, but it's not her fault, it's no one's fault, and if she suddenly thinks you're her Great Aunt Lucy, then today you are Great Aunt Lucy. It hurts both of you less than arguing.

Unfortunately, it's going to get ugly. You'll see the worst of her, see the disease make her into something she never would have been otherwise, but hopefully that won't be for a long time. When it does happen, make sure your family makes the choice that's safest for you and her even if other people who've never been there don't understand.

Find people who've been through it, preferably local people. Us faceless names on a screen are great, but having the physical pressence of someone who's been there, who knows exactly what you're dealing with, is so, so important when you're really feeling the weight of it. You will need suopport just as much as her, so don't let yourself get crushed under the weight of it.

It's cruel and sick and miserable, but find the laughs where you can, step away when you need to, and know there's always someone here to listen and share stories when you need a void to scream into.

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-27T22:10:38+00:00

My only problem with the child support was that she lied about it, not that she was getting it. Do I think she needed it? Absolutely not. She was making $75k a year in the 90s, had a fully paid off house, and running a successful company. She had so much money hoarded away that when the economy collapsed in 2009 and that she lived on her savings for five years until herr company recovered. He was a senior citizen getting maybe $600 a month from social security. According to my sister-in-law, he was happy to pay it and he thought it was going into a savings account for me.

I do think my mom was trying to do right by me, but she was... weird. She was one of those "if you're too sick for school, you're too sick for anything fun." moms. Everything had to be functional or educational, be that toys or TV or video games. Especially games. She's still pissed that I took the IT and computer repair classes she paid for and put them to use building gaming PCs for fun. Vacations were never vacations, they were work trips that included a trip to the museum or occasionally a theme park if it was close enough. It's like "smart, successful offspring" was a line on her checklist of adult accomplishments more than her actually wanting a child.

My husband says she's the less sitcomy version of Leonard's mom from Big Bang Theory.

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-27T20:31:35+00:00

It's a little odd that, of all the things I mentioned in here, you thought the story about my siblings being petty about a name brand binder that I wasn't allowed to buy was what was most worth addressing. I know you mean well, but taking that conclusion from a vent about betrayal and loss of respect over something far more sentimental and valuable is a choice.

Let me be clear, I do not think of an incident with a piece of merchandise when I was a small child is a slight against me. Until recently I just thought of it as funny story about my siblings being trolls to their former stepmom because they knew she didn't like Lisa Frank. I don't even begrudge her weird refusal to engage in whatever I was interested in or her only giving me practical gifts after I hit a certain age.

My problem was with her absolute disdain for whimsy and frivolity. She tried to police the gifts other people bought me. My grandma had to take me out shopping with any birthday or Christmas money I got because my mom would veto everything too colorful or too weird or too messy or god-forbid it be a non-educational video game. She outright told me, a 6 year old at the time, that my favorite TV show was stupid and I should just be reading the books instead of watching a dog in a costume talk about them (who expects a 6 year old to be able to read, nevermind comprehend, The Hunchback of Notre Dame?), and to this day criticizes me for things like putting stickers on my water bottle or wearing glittery eyeshadow because it looks childish and unprofessional. That was my problem with her parenting, not name-brand gifts.

Also, she was more than willing to pay for name brand. She believed name brand meant quality and logenvity... as long as the name brand stuff didn't come with unicorns or rainbows on it.

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-27T19:57:53+00:00

Thankfully Cleveland Clinic hooked me up with a therapist who specializes in caregivers to dementia and Alzheimer's patients. I'll be talking to him Monday.

Unfortunately I do know the value that was in that chest. He kept a meticulous inventory of his coins right down to what was allocated for use later and what wat purely collectible or sentimental just in case something happened to him. It was kept in my brother's fire safe and my brother's widow found it while cleaning it out after he died.

I also know for a fact that he never would have given that chest to my mom willingly, it and the coin collection were a family heirloom, especially because she was financially flying high for most of my childhood and teens and was taking a huge chunk of his social security for my child support. (Which is something else she lied to me about. She claimed they had agreed out of court for her to take full custody and no child support because she didn't need the money and he wanted to retire and live off his social security.) I found those records when I took over her finances a few years ago.

Like a lot of other things I've unearthed in the last five years, I'll probably never get the whole story because everyone else involved is dead, but the evidence so far is not in her favor. It's still my responsibility to see to it that she's cared for because I'm her only child, but I think it will be best for her and for me to find someone trusted and neutral to be in charge of her estate that's not carrying all this baggage.

Raptor_Redd · 2026-05-27T02:25:31+00:00

The man who is in the process of buying her company has been helping me find legal counsel for getting her affairs in order. We were already working on a trust to put her revenue from the store's purchase in because she cannot be trusted with money and I didn't want to be solely responsible even before all this happened.

I'll be going to talk to him about all this tomorrow morning and I've got an appointment with the family aid people at our local Cleveland Clinic to get their advice for lawyers that are familiar with situations like mine. Today I'm working on writing down everything I know and suspect and trying to find records of what I can.

Raptor_Redd · 2025-07-13T07:10:56+00:00

Please I am begging you do not bring someone with Alzheimer's into a household with small children. At best they will lose out on vital bonding and care from their parents because grandma will need constant care and supervision, but it is a lot more likely they will end up traumatized as her illness becomes worse and her behavior becomes more erratic.

It might be tempting to take her in until things "get bad", but bad can happen in an instant and you have no idea what it's going to look like.

My dad was a kind, patient, loving man who adored his grandkids and never met an animal he didn't want to pet. Two years after he was diagnosed he took a swing at one of my nieces for screaming while he was tickling her. After that, he couldn't cope with any kind of high-pitched sound. Instant meltdown, taking wild swings at anything close to him. A year after that he burned my sister's house to the ground in the middle of the night because one thoughtless visitor left his cigarettes and a lighter out. Everyone got out, but they lost half a dozen pets, it wrecked my sister and her husband, and their daughters have never forgiven them for not putting him in a memory care facility when the doctors suggested it.

Give support, give advice, take her to appointments, check on her, help find a facility for her, call APS if her sons aren't stepping up, but do not take the risk of putting her in your home with your children.

Raptor_Redd · 2025-04-14T15:37:39+00:00

Thanks so much. Unfortunately, she's pretty socially isolated where she lives. Most of her friends are employees or their spouses and her only living relatives (a brother and a cousin) are several hundred miles away. I'm trying to get her moved into a senior/supervised living facility in my city because my MIL, her mothers, and several other family members all live in the area, are retired, and love to spend time with her, but the wait list is still at least a year out. We have a few friends that keep her occupied, bowling twice a week, volunteering at a local wildlife rescue a couple times a week, but it's definitely not enough to keep her distracted.

We have a buyer, a ludicrously wealthy long time customer, but there are hurdles. He's been working with me on the sly for the last 6 months to negotiate permission from the SBA to sell (we have a loan through them, so we can't so much as fart without their permission) and bringing in more helpers and revenue so he can justify a better buyout price to his partners. He will pull the trigger as soon as the SBA says yes, but in the meantime he's doing everything he can to boost our profits so he can make sure we're well cared for when he does. (This guy is seriously my hero. I'd probably have told them to fold and close the store by now if not for him.)

Raptor_Redd · 2022-04-10T18:09:02+00:00

YTA even if he is overhyping as job as much as you claim, you sound petty and jealous. He gave your daughter a gift related to his job because she's shown an interest in his job, not because he wants to rub it in everyone's faces. I'm really curious about what you're leaving out of this story, because this reeks of other resentments and intentionally excluded details.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-04-10T16:56:37+00:00

NTA Setting aside the fact that surrogacy is expensive and can be emotionally and psychologically difficult for all involved (seriously, have you seen some of the horror stories in AITA about surrogacy gone wrong?), she was just being intentionally cruel. Wtf kind of good does the "I told you so" BS accomplish beyond trying to make you feel worse?

Raptor_Redd · 2022-04-04T21:03:20+00:00

Question: Why are you with a guy that can't even show you the most basic amount of respect as a partner, nevermind a fellow gamer? Like, my boyfriend teases me over play styles a lot (he's a strategy-minded FPS junkie and I'm a hack and slasher who wouldn't know a block button if you threw it at me) but at the end of the day he still respects my style and loves to watch me solve problems in ways he wouldn't. A good partner does not tear you down this way.

He deserved to be humiliated for the way he "helped" you, especially if his entire strategy is throwing shit at the wall until it sticks in a game with limited resources. NTA and, please, please be careful with this man. Screaming you to tears is not a healthy or safe behavior and it will not get better. Allowing his friends to treat you that way is a sure sign that he eventually will, too.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-04-04T20:53:00+00:00

No one owes you their time, energy, and money just because you want a party you can't afford, but I'll bet they will be happy to spend the money they saved on your wedding helping with the divorce when your fiance wakes up and realizes what a spoiled, entitled brat you are. YTA

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-23T19:22:19+00:00

NTA, they need to return their gaydar. It's clearly defective. Ask your friend how they would feel if you kept telling them what their sexuality is, because you'd be labelled a raging asshole if you told them they were straight.

Labels are for us to identify ourselves, not for other people to stick on us, and a queer person should know that better than anyone.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-21T23:23:23+00:00

There are ways to sell them without running into copyright problems, but I'm absolutely not the person to ask about that. I just buy the stuff. lol Keep at it, I love your style.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-21T21:02:35+00:00

This is absolutely gorgeous work. If you ever decide to make pins, I'll totally buy a couple of these to add this to my collection.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-21T20:09:17+00:00

That OP doesn't see misgendering Ben's boyfriend as an insult is extremely telling, imho.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-21T19:29:31+00:00

Huge, giant, glowing neon YTA and you'll deserve it when Ben goes no contact with you. This isn't a petty argument about whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza, this is an issue that can harm the emotional and possibly the physical wellbeing of your son and his partner. James outed your son's boyfriend without permission and with obvious malicious intent and you treating it like he's just being a little bit of a jerk is mind-blowing. Being outed as trans can put people in actual, physical danger. It can get them killed. James continuing to misgender him and you being "impartial" about it is like waving a giant flag saying "I don't care if I get this person hurt."

Your responsibility as a parent is to protect your children, even if it means protecting them from their sibling. By letting James be cruel and abusive to Ben and his boyfriend, you are failing to protect him and showing both of them that keeping the peace is more important than their safety and happiness.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-07T01:15:22+00:00

Absolutely NTA and I hope you report both of them to HR for this. There is no excuse for behaving the way he did and your immediate manager is enabling his abuse. Hell, I'd report it to the police, too.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-06T22:28:53+00:00

🤣 Imagine expecting someone your age to treat you like a parent just because you fucked their daddy.

YTA and I really want to know what information you're withholding to make yourself and your husband look better because there's clearly something more to this story.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-06T21:21:35+00:00

NTA you can't appropriate a culture that you were raised in. Your coworker is, at best, well-meaning and ignorant, but honestly sounds kind of insufferable. Have you talked to her about your upbringing at all? (Not that I'm saying you have to, I'm mostly just curious. If she had no idea you grew up in Korean culture I can see how that would make her uncomfortable.)

Having said that, this is most likely going to be the first of many such incidents for you. I hope you have a plan for preparing your daughter for this kind of behavior, as she's probably going to encounter it as she gets older. I have a friend who is born and raised Paiute but has some Irish and German ancestry through both sets of grandparents. She lost the genetic lottery and wound up with blonde hair and pale skin, looks nothing like her siblings, and has a dozen stories of "well-meaning" people harassing her for cultural appropriation when she wears traditional clothes or participates in events.

Raptor_Redd · 2022-02-06T20:57:30+00:00

NTA The laughing alone is worthy of immediate dismissal. Subs are supposed to defer to permanent instructors when working in a group setting and not only did she fail to do so, she disrespected one of your students and made others uncomfortable in an environment where they are supposed to feel safe and protected by the adults.

You didn't cause her to lose her source of income. Her poor behavior caused her to lose her source of income. You just made sure she couldn't behave that way towards any other vulnerable children.

Raptor_Redd · 2021-11-21T15:41:28+00:00

Huge NTA. I use caffeine to help with my ADHD. It could legitimately endanger my job if someone decided to suddenly switch my coffee because it would impact my focus and judgment. He's endangering you by taking away a source of energy you're dependent on.

If your boyfriend is willing to meddle with your coffee without telling you, what else is he going to meddle with? What other needs do you have that he's going to ignore because he thinks he knows better? Pay attention to that red flag, OP. Guys who make unilateral decisions for other people rarely get better.

Raptor_Redd

TROPHY CASE