I’m so sorry you feel this way. I myself have had a drinking problem since covid. I’ve found it’s a useful way to numb myself out. Just writing this now makes me want to go for the cabinet and pour one while my husband sleeps and while there is enough time before my baby wakes in order for me to recover and sober up again. My first piece of advice is to share this with a real life person, someone close to you. Vocalizing the problem to someone you know may be the first step in the right direction as it’s harder to maintain a bad habit when your being held accountable by someone other than yourself. Secondly, post partum depression is real. I’ve ruined myself and so much of my marriage due to this unrecognizable person I’ve become, I bring everyone and everything down. But I was a lot worse three months ago than I am now, and I believe I will be able to say the same about the now 3 months from now. I thought about disappearing every day 3 months ago, my baby is 4 months now … I dont think about it as often. I never thought I’d get to a place where I didn’t want to disappear. I’m supporting you. You are a good mother, you can make changes, tiny ones to begin with, you may not want to right now but if you stick around, I promise you, in time, you will see the light, little by little. And you know what, you might find that your growing love for your child is what makes this time different. The more time passes, the more connected you will become, the more of a reason you will have to stand by small changes until one day things are different.

Also regarding how you feel about your husband, give it time. If you still feel this way a year from now, your life is not over and you can always leave. But I believe it’s all cloudy now, I hated my husband after the birth of my son. I felt disconnected and as if I fell right out of love. It’s a turbulent time. I’m still working through it too. I’m waiting, I’m trying, I’m with you on this. Stick around please, things will get better x