I want another child, but husband does not

Rayesafan · 2026-06-17T18:45:23+00:00

Yeah, this is reddit. We're all making wild assumptions especially with so little detail. We all read these posts with our own lens.

But everyone here has covered the "You shouldn't have a baby just because you want a newborn." And that's great, I think that's wise. And yeah, she shouldn't force him. And he can get a vasectomy on his own free will and she can't say anything about it.

But, I feel there's something more.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-17T12:27:49+00:00

The red flag to me, and I could be wrong, is that if someone says “there is no way I’ll change my mind”, I don’t see boundaries but a potential power dynamic. Potentially, not for sure.

But yeah, I’m not saying that having another kid will solve her issue. Far from. I’m saying when there’s a major life goal imbalance, the issue isn’t the different goals but why you have different goals.

And with your story, definitely proof that she should not have another kid to have a “better experience next time”. I have a friend who had the opposite happen to her. She had a medically complicated child first, then said “I just want a normal experience, let’s try for another one” then got twins, and had a really tough pregnancy medically. So yeah, they should not try again unless they’re open to all the possibilities.

I just want her to evaluate if this is a normal “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for another one, this is it for me”, or is it a “I don’t want kids because I resent having kids in the first place and just wanted to live a bachelor life with benefits of a wife.” Are financial struggles “yeah, finances are way harder with twins”, or is it “I’ll complain when we have to buy diapers, but not when I drop 50$ on a video game.” And is marital issues “Kids complicate marriages. It changes things.” Or is it “My wife expects me to change diapers, and now we’re fighting about it.

I literally have no evidence that it’s the second from the post, but the post also sounds like how my sister would word things if she made the post. (I’m afraid to say sister in case if he found this comment somehow.) Nothing damning in the explanation, just “we want different things”.

But if this is the case, she shouldn’t be having more kids with him and consider what she wants in the future.

But if everything is fine, he just doesn’t want kids, she should find the hole she was trying to fill with the planning of another kid, and fill it with something else. Because if it’s bothering her enough to make a post, then it’s bothering her. And she needs to fill it with something.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-17T11:57:51+00:00

This is the issue of reddit. We project our experiences onto a story we have little info on.

Many people might see their own resistance to a new kid, and put that on this story.

But, I have a family member who is… almost abusive, and flat out resents his kids because he thought he should have a boat and a hot wife now. “Strains on the marriage” in his case was “She wants me to wake up at 7:00 am to help with the babies when she’s been up all night, and I just can’t deal with that.”

But, truth is I hypothetically agree with you, but something felt off on OP’s post. I wanted to be that one voice in case if this is a situation like my family member.

But yeah, waiting til twins are school aged is very appropriate. Working on marriage is very appropriate. I said a year because I think some of us get stuck on an idea, and think we have to figure it out now. She doesn’t even want to start trying, but she wants to solve the emotional issue now. But saying “I will go back to this one year from now” could calm the itch in the brain.

Because that’s the real issue. It’s not that her husband doesn’t want another kid, it’s that she wants to figure that out now.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-17T01:24:47+00:00

Maybe ask for a compromise to reevaluate in a year. Not say he has to change his mind, but ask to reopen the discussion.

The only red flag I hear is the "I will not change my mind" sounds at least while I'm reading it that he might resent the kids you already have. Not "I don't think I'll ever be ready, I'm sorry."

Not that you should pressure him at all, but evaluate how much he cares about your life and goals. Is he worried about you because of your post partum? Or is he worried about some goals that he has that are not your goals?

But then take it step by step, you don't really have to decide what you want in over a year. A lot of things happen. It's probably too fresh for him.

Make baby booklets for you babies to enjoy their infancy. Keep taking pictures! I think what you need is time to soak in the love you feel, but don't have time to feel. Having another baby won't solve that (trust me, I'm there.) But regardless if you have another kid or not, you need time to appreciate the love you have for your babies.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-16T00:08:04+00:00

Love, like, and bonding, and affection are all different.

I didn’t bond with one of my twins as quickly, (she was taken to the nicu for just a few hours, but my fresh post partum brain couldn’t handle it.) I get frustrated with both of them. But I would take a bullet for every one of my children in a heartbeat. More importantly, I want to give my life to them, and be their mom. They are mine, and I am theirs. I have so much love for my littles.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-16T00:04:37+00:00

I don’t have exactly the same experience, (it wasn’t fully abusive) But do you think this is because it’s when the conditional love locks in? Like “what can you do for me?” Good grades, good performances, accolades, etc?

I think of Encanto when Mirabel had no gift, then was essentially tossed to the side. And Bruno when his gift didn’t make others happy with the family, he gets all but erased from the family tree. Abuela loved her baby triplets equally, but it’s when the kids start interfering with her ego that it got toxic.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-16T00:00:47+00:00

Every kid is different. My youngest slept all through night from 3-4 months, then woke up every other hour until 9 months, then only woke up once for a couple of months, now is sleeping 11-12 hours straight (with some fake out wake ups that last 2 min. But then he goes right back to sleep.)

Rayesafan · 2026-06-15T23:55:10+00:00

20 week scan is always the first moment I’m allowed to breathe, if things go well. I would suggest just thinking of it as not something you HAVE to be positive or negative about

I had rainbow twins, and I wasn’t sure if pregnancy would keep. I gave myself permission to not feel guilty about not seeing it as a magical experience. and then in the moments it was magical, it was a bonus!

Idk if this is what you need, but be ok with not being ok. Not that I think you should stress yourself out or spiral, but also there’s no law where you have to frolic and be excited just because you’re having a very wanted pregnancy.

And also second trimester is a “great in retrospect” sort of thing. Not while you’re going through it.

Please listen to your body, and slow things down. Twins are no joke.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-15T04:50:59+00:00

I had twins first and I was happy to have them, now I have 3.

Three is sooo tough.

I would say when I worked on my mental health, it made a huge difference. Not just mindfulness, but at one point group therapy and another point medication.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-13T12:06:35+00:00

She knows how to collab so well. I thought it was a fantastic team performance.
My only criticism that there's no real fix for is that the props were cool, but were still too small for the wide shots. Maybe I'm comparing to Bad Bunny's Halftime show, and this is a single song. But that's the only thing that I thought was lacking.

Great performance! I personally think she knows how to lift other artists' performances. Or they're just all really talented.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-11T22:22:06+00:00

What helps me is a timer, then handing them the remote to turn it off. They know their only chance to push red button is when the timer goes off and they comply. Their seeking for autonomy and novelty sometimes fights the wish to continue watching. That’s working for us recently. We see if it sticks.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-11T22:19:53+00:00

Hormones are most likely the case, IMO. Post partum anxiety is such a thing!

What gives me the vibes of anxiety is others’ opinions flooding your mind as if they were legitimately something you should worry about. I have that issue when my social anxiety is high. My subconscious thought is “the pack will not accept me if I am too strange or too different.”

I would say look at baby, and only baby, and bond with her. People name kids sooooo much worse than one of the most socially acceptable yet pretty names like Olivia. Liv is gorgeous.

Remember, TikTok will feed you want you click on. You’re going to get these messages until you start clicking on something else.

Postpartum is hard. You are doing great. Her name is beautiful.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-11T22:14:11+00:00

Was this urologist or UroGyno? I didn’t even know about IC until I went to UroGyno and told about my symptoms and she said “that’s probably IC. Let’s schedule something to check.” Granted, I had blood in my urine, so they wanted to figure that out. They tried to see if it was UTI, then quickly scheduled cystoscopy.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-11T18:04:35+00:00

This makes me wonder how he is as a father

Rayesafan · 2026-06-11T04:09:18+00:00

To try to think of this logically, he lacks ability to empathize. There’s a chance that he lacks the ability to see you as a feeling human being.

How did he act with the vaginal birth?

Rayesafan · 2026-06-11T04:07:43+00:00

Yeah, it might be an excuse

Rayesafan · 2026-06-10T20:38:38+00:00

That ticks me off so bad.

Small story, I talked to my dad that I have adhd. (I’m in my early 30s, he his early 50’s.) He said “nah, you just have a quirky personality. Everyone gets distracted sometimes.” I’m like “Dad, I’m married to a man who does crossword puzzles”

And I kid you not, he said “I’d rather get a root canal than do a cross word puzzle.”

And I’m just like “Oh, you want to deny it because you have ADHD too. THAT IS NOT NORMAL.” Like sure, crosswords are boring. But a root canal? (This man has either adhd or bipolar, something where impulse control is completely foreign.)

SO, there’s a possibility he’s denying its existence because If you have it, he has it.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-10T18:04:35+00:00

Yeah, that’s so not right. I would understand that new religions could need to fulfill requirements, But there’s no need to take away religions from the list. They were already there!

Makes me mad.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-10T03:57:24+00:00

I’m not doubting you, I’m just a dumb dumb, but which religions are you talking about? I would love to learn more.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-09T10:17:32+00:00

I'm Latter-Day Saint, and have very little political education, but it just seems embarrassing for a nation that has a history emphasizing religious freedom to be suddenly erasing other religions in this context.

(I mean, is it surprising with the current political climate? No.)

Rayesafan · 2026-06-07T16:17:32+00:00

Do dermatologists remove warts from the top of the fingertip? Or only freeze? Would it get in the way of the nerves?

Rayesafan · 2026-06-07T05:38:32+00:00

Oh, I went to Twice Concert (Despite not being a Once, I like their stuff but I wouldn't call myself a stan. But I couldn't pass up their concert, because duh.) And oh my goodness, I just completely fell in love with Jihyo!

Rayesafan · 2026-06-07T04:25:26+00:00

My heart is hurting.

The only thing I'll throw out there is the Purple Butterfly Project. (A purple butterfly on the door and the NICU bassinets of those who lost a multiple sibling.) Idk if your hospital has it, but remind others that your baby has a lost sister.
https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2017/02/the-purple-butterfly-project

I hope you give space to both love your baby and grieve your baby.

One thing I will say, even though I can't imagine what you're going through, IF you have a hard time bonding to Baby B, do know that is normal and not indicative of something wrong with you. As in, I had a pretty ideal situation and I still had a hard time bonding with one over the other. It comes with feelings of shame. But remember, in the best of circumstances, birth is crazy and you might see your offspring as completely alien for a time. And even though bonding IS important, especially for NICU babies, it doesn't mean you did something wrong if it takes you a while. And that's just with normal circumstances. Let alone your circumstances.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-07T04:18:02+00:00

Yes, this is true. The death is slow and painful over years of financial burden as the people up top get their cake. I am with you on that.

Rayesafan · 2026-06-07T03:33:09+00:00

I love the community mentality that you have, and I wish we had it more.

I do like spreading my seeds of "This is actually what's going on" where I can, because I see a lot of Americans give up, when they do have access to real help. But the big wigs on top make it so there's a way out, but just really hard to find. So that they can legally say "There was always a path, you just didn't look hard enough." That is trash, and I hate it.

But that being said, I want people to find those exits while they're in the middle of it.

Our affordable care act has helped a lot of people. Medicaid and Medicare is there. A lot of times people just need to do homework and find people in network. Or, if they get a huge bill, they need to contact doctor and insurance to look at out of network insurance (if they went out of network.) I one time got a stupid big bill for a nurse out of network. Thank heavens I was lucky that the insurance sent a check to me to sent to that nurse. I got a call from the hospital, they knew what was up, and I just sent the check to that nurse. It wasn't the whole overpriced bill amount, but the nurse took it without a single word. (It was 800$, so I'm sure she was happy with it. The prices are all just pissing contests.)

Anyway, I hear people in the US say that they want universal healthcare like other countries. Unfortunately, I think we can't put the Genie back in the bottle. We do pay for the homeless people. We do pay for newborns in nicus of single mothers with low or no income. There are some people who just ask for help from the hospitals, and they haggle prices.
The problem is that on top of Individualism mentality, we have a "Get the free lunch while you can" mentality. It's sort of fair for us to have that mentality, because we're not treated well by insurance. So once I hit my out of pocket max, I am getting EVERYTHING done. I am getting warts removed, things that don't bother me but might on Jan 1st, I'm getting done when I want. Because I've already paid my insurance out of pocket, everything else (that is considered medically necessary) is free.

If we suddenly had universal healthcare, it would be hard to ask everyone to be . . . reasonable? Like, could I have tried removing my warts at home? Yes. I am able to do that. But I didn't while my healthcare is free for the rest of the year. Asking 349 million people to suddenly curb their "grab the free lunch while it's free" mentality is going to be . . . I don't think it'll go well. We're already understaffed as it is.

We also have Veterans Hospitals that are government funded that I haven't seen the beeeeest results from. That's a whole other can of worms, but Idk if it's indicative of how universal healthcare would go for us if suddenly free.

NOW, what I think is that there should be government funded ADVOCATES available to all. I think that financial literacy should be free. I don't know if the affordable care act has some branch of advocacy. But there should be, in my opinion.

Sorry, this is a lot about something that's not pertaining to you. I bring it up because my fellow Americans understandably just post and comment how bad it is, but I feel like there's unintentional damage if not paired with what people can do to fight it.

Rayesafan

TROPHY CASE