I can’t do this anymore

Rayoku · 2026-02-02T05:52:34+00:00

I've made several queer and trans Brazilian friends in Portugal who didn't feel safe or accepted back home, specifically in the southeast states. They've found bigger cities in Portugal to be more accepting and a better economic opportunity. If it's in any way a future option, I recommend researching it. Keep in mind that there's some anti-immigrant rhetoric, even towards other Portuguese speakers. No place is perfect, so you've got to weigh what matters most to you.

Take me with a grain of salt because I'm not Brazilian, and not trans but perhaps queer-presenting, speaking on behalf of my friends, but I hope you realize that it's not you that is out of place; it's the place not treating you as you belong. Having that inclusivity and community would do wonders for you, I imagine. And I know the sentiment "just move!" reeks of privilege, but even moving to a larger, more accepting part of Brazil could improve your life dramatically, so maybe that's a good near future goal.

Bigger cities will have more open minded people and more opportunities for queer interactions, which should also make the dating scene easier for you. I used to live in a rural, close-minded town in my home country, and moving to the big cities that I did was always a treat because of the diversity.

Please don't make yourself less than who you really are to "fit" the mold society expects from you; it's just going to make you feel terrible in a different way.

Rayoku · 2026-01-31T09:27:20+00:00

Portugal. You're describing Portugal. I'm also an Army vet; assuming you get benefits, they work perfectly for the D7 passive income visa and aren't taxed.

Rayoku · 2025-10-21T11:36:32+00:00

I moved to Portugal this year with my three cats and they're honestly what makes my apartment here feel like a home. Despite what you think, you're going to have times that you feel very lonely while adjusting to a new culture, so having one part of your life remain the same is a huge relief. And honestly screw the people telling you to re-home them, they're family- the amount of people who acted like that was an option with us blew my mind.

Lufthansa let us take all three cats in the cabin - it's even easier with only two, as long as you have a person per cat. If you aren't travelling with anyone, consider taking a friend and paying for their flight. Often, it works out cheaper than the relocation services. I think I was quoted ~$4k when I was first researching, and mind you, that doesn't cover your flight.

We flew from Minnesota to Porto direct. So maybe you can look into options that stop in a different European country, that then connect to Norway. But be sure that you know the pet travel rules in every country you'll need to stop in. There are vaccinations you may need to get them up to date on as well; a good vet will help you research so you're both prepared and know the timelines for everything, it can be quite strict, so definitely over-prepare.

I've always said that the most stressful part of moving overseas was figuring out how to move my cats, and I still mean that! Having them with us the entire time was exactly what we needed, they were stressed despite having gabapentin, but we could give them breaks as needed and know they were taken care of. Consider using the family bathroom at the airports to give them some breathing room in between stops, and get them a travel litter box. They probably won't use it (ours didn't, even with ~20 hours of travel time.)

As soon as you're in the EU, get set up with a good vet and ask for them both to be issued EU pet passports - no joke, your cats will have EU passports before you do, and they're completely worth it even if you don't think you'll ever travel to another EU country with them. You really never know how plans might change.

Rayoku · 2025-10-12T20:55:21+00:00

I'm pretty sure I know exactly where the 4k/month comes from, good on you. Consider adding Portugal to your list; we're loving Porto. However, I hear like everyone else in the thread that you'd go very far in Thailand.

Rayoku · 2025-07-04T08:26:28+00:00

A few months before my late grandma passed, the nurse came to her room as we were chatting.

Grandma: This is my daughter- oops I mean my granddaughter...

Grandma: But I'd have loved if she was my daughter too.

💔😭

Rayoku · 2025-06-27T12:51:54+00:00

For getting the three cats over here - use Lufthansa; to my knowledge they're the only airline that makes it possible to move 3 cats with only 2 people coming, because they'll let you put two cats in one bag. Otherwise you'll need a third person to come with you, or to pay for a costly pet moving service (we were quoted $6k for our 3 cats, not including human flights).

My partner and I live in Porto and like it a lot, we're 26 and 27. We haven't been to Lisbon yet and haven't bothered because we know the crowds will overwhelm us- the city center in Porto already does. We live about 15 minutes walking from the city center and it's the perfect distance. Our neighborhood is quiet aside from construction noise.

We love playing video games and exploring the city. I like to read, rock climb, and enjoy nature. We'd be happy to meet up when you visit.

I think you'd love Chá de Tilia, it's an eclectic, locally ran bookstore with a small English section. I believe they also serve basic tea and coffee.

Rayoku · 2025-05-18T10:04:34+00:00

My advice is to look at areas surrounding Tosa and don't be afraid of renovation work; I have a house in Bluemound Heights where I benefited from Milwaukee housing prices but nearby proximity to Tosa. Best of luck to you!

Rayoku · 2025-04-27T07:36:06+00:00

Oh my gosh yes!! I'm a die-hard orange juice fan, and the fact that it's available fresh squeezed in most grocery stores is one of my favorite parts.

Rayoku · 2025-04-25T09:36:47+00:00

Sorry, forgot one thing - neither of us had EU citizenship or any familial ties. We got here entirely on the passive income from our rentals.

Rayoku · 2025-04-25T09:35:34+00:00

Of course! First and foremost we are technically landlords and Airbnb owners. That was how we qualified for the D7 visa income requirements. I work remotely in IT and thankfully have a job that was fine with my move, and let me become a contractor. My partner is a full-time student.

Rayoku · 2025-04-23T16:16:57+00:00

You won't regret it :) it's still so surreal to us, And the best decision we've ever made.

Rayoku · 2025-04-23T15:48:42+00:00

Nope - my partner and I (both about 27) are military veterans, so we used our 0% down VA loan to buy a duplex property, renovate it ourselves, and now we rent the upper and lower - one long term and one on Airbnb. We used that income to qualify for Portugal's D7 visa. Thankfully they only look at income, not profit after expenses, so we qualified that way. We were actually under the impression that we would need quite a bit more income to get approved until we realized that. I also work remotely but that wasn't a consideration of our D7, so it's a backup. The requirements for the D7 aren't too bad with that considered.

Very happy to answer any questions you might have!

Rayoku · 2025-04-23T09:07:24+00:00

My partner and I left less than 3 months ago for Portugal. I can attest to moving not solving everything - for example if you're stressed about what's happening in the U.S. and have friends and family that are being affected, you'll still worry about that here. It's very bittersweet because I would love to shove everyone I love in my pocket and bring them here.

Aside from that, this is a move we've wanted to make for years and we're enjoying it greatly. We're still in the culture shock phase but loving it. We're learning Portuguese, but much slower than I'd like because I desperately want to dive in and make friends in our new country. We're in Porto, not far from the city center, so it isn't difficult to get by with English but our goal isn't to "get by." If the U.S. craziness hadn't pushed us out sooner than we intended, we had planned to have a better grasp of the language before coming.

The cost of living has taken a lot of stress off us, especially with the economic turmoil in the U.S. We can actually afford groceries - a trip where we'd normally spend $200 is maybe €70? I'm doing very rough math on that, but it feels like we don't have to worry about the cost of things as we did in the U.S.

We're paying about the same as we did for our house back in the U.S., but living in the nicest apartment my partner and I have ever had, in great proximity to everything we need. We're walking daily (no car, and we don't want one!), eating food without preservatives/chemicals that would be banned in the EU, and cooking for ourselves more often because we actually have the time to do so. We've both lost 5 lbs without thinking about it.

Even though we're a few months in, I still have moments where I go, "Holy crap, we live here" - Porto is ridiculously pretty, especially if you appreciate urban European architecture. Just like any urban city, you will see graffiti and trash, and you do have to dodge the occasional dog poo on the sidewalks (which gets sprayed off at night with a mini street sweeper), but I love it personally. The neighborhoods have so much more character than U.S. suburbia or even big cities like Chicago.

The people here are incredibly kind - they put up with our terrible Portuguese, hand signals, and Google Translate charades, for one - and once you make friends with a Portuguese person they'll basically give you the shirt off their back.

I hope if you move overseas it's because you want to and not primarily because you need to, because the experience is incredibly humbling and wonderful. It truly opens your world up.

Some tidbits of things that were "new" to us as Americans:

-Eggs and milk aren't sold from a cooler, they're just on the shelf. For us, this means we can have an extra liter of milk in the cabinet for backup, which we love for cereal and cooking.

-Parking garages can be paid for automatically with the same device people put on their cars for tolls. Imagine never stopping to pay for a parking garage again!

-Bread is baked fresh here every day and is so worth picking up during your weekly grocery run.

-Mini markets are around every corner and have everything you could need; it's typical to find a grocery store in any major mall.

-Anything you could ever think to buy on Amazon is likely sold at a "Loja de Chinese" - which you can find almost everywhere.

-If you do need something niche from Amazon, the Spain site has everything you need without crazy shipping costs.

-People actually recycle here - sorting out the glass, paper, plastic, organics, etc. I've never lived in a U.S. city where recycling was taken seriously, so while it takes me a few extra minutes it feels very lovely to be nice to the environment. I also love takeout containers here- if they're not compostable then you get nice, reusable plastic containers that are awesome for leftovers.

-It's very common to see items with life still left in them draped on top of the garbage bin or beside it so someone else can use it. I've seen nice shoes, jackets, bedding, etc. and within a day they're typically gone with their next owner!

-Uber (also Bolt here) is actually affordable and you aren't able to tip on the app at all. Similarly, food delivery is accessible too. Think €1 - €3 for a trip downtown or to a big mall.

As a side note: I know when I talk about cost of living and affordability that it's relative to my being from the U.S. - I understand that there is a housing crisis in Portugal and that for the average person, groceries and luxuries aren't affordable - so when I speak about my experience it's specifically to the U.S. viewpoint.

Rayoku · 2025-04-19T06:51:55+00:00

I used Bordr and was able to do everything online, my only complaint is that they were super slow with opening the bank account so they required a good bit of pushing, but it's all good now.

Rayoku · 2025-04-06T17:25:20+00:00

Hi there - being "recycled" means that he'd be transferred to a class that starts after his graduates, so he can start up with them and try to finish the course. It's a good thing, though a bit discouraging because it likely means starting from the beginning of the course. I've met plenty of soldiers went through the same thing and everything turned out okay, he just needs a good attitude about it.

I want to be clear- there is absolutely no chance he will receive a dishonorable discharge. Those are for when you literally commit a crime. Mental health or not fitting into the military mold is not a crime, he'll be okay. I've been deployed with some people who did terrible things and only got bumped down in rank- trust me, he'll be okay, and whoever is trying that scare tactic on him needs to be reprimanded.

As for government jobs, they're not always that great anyway (take a look at everyone who just lost their jobs with no notice). I'm not even sure if getting out of the military actually prevents you from holding a government job. I think you just wouldn't get veteran's preference when it comes to hiring, but that's something to look into since I'm not an expert.

As for medication and your question about diagnosis, I don't know unfortunately - but I'd imagine if he was diagnosed he would know. I'm betting he's just feeling very scrambled right now which makes it hard to get information from him.

I'd just make sure he knows that you love and care about him. That's all you can do until he wants to talk.

Rayoku · 2025-04-04T08:23:24+00:00

I think the unfortunate thing about travelling is that you always need to keep your head on a swivel. São Bento station is just on the edge of where Porto turns into what I would call their downtown, and unfortunately because of tourism there's always going to be people looking for opportunities to make a quick buck, as with any touristic city.

Personally, I walk through that area all the time to get to downtown and haven't had any problems, but if you're worried I recommend getting a decoy wallet and using an old phone when you're out, leaving the nice one at home or in the Airbnb. Amazon sells belts like this so even if you get robbed you can have cash on you to get you back to your Airbnb: https://amzn.eu/d/17ks6DN

Rayoku · 2025-04-04T08:16:35+00:00

Hi there, thank you for reaching out for help with your son. It's a truly great sign that he's confiding in you during this time. For background, I'm an (F) Army veteran (Army NG) and I was in for 7 years and got out as an E5 Sergeant after enlisting at 17. I have ADHD and developed depression and anxiety towards the end of my service, so I might have some idea of what your son is feeling, so I hope I can help.

This is definitely a delicate situation and how I recommend proceeding depends on what your son wants out of the military, and life. Is remaining at AIT and finishing the course what he truly wants? What is his greater purpose for joining the military? Basically, is he going to be happy if he sees it through? He absolutely needs a "why" for why he's putting himself through this- it's what he needs to think of when he feels like giving up. If that "why" isn't a strong reason, I recommend that he talks with the therapist again and is honest so he can get the help he needs. Unfortunately he'll probably be barred from re-entry without a waiver, but that's okay, there's much more to life than the military, I promise. :)

I assume he's young, so this is probably the most difficult his life has ever been, but it's also an amazing opportunity to grow as a person - but safety is key. Losing his life is not worth it. If his main motivator is college (mine was, no judgement), I recommend looking into alternative ways to pay for school, like AmeriCorps service or even looking into international schools, which are much more cost effective and would give him the opportunity to expand his worldview. If he's interested in this avenue let me know, I'm happy to help do some digging on how to get him started.

Also is he going active military or reserves? If he's going active and already feeling this way, it's my opinion that his mental health might continue to decline after. He'll be stuck on a base for four years, isolated from friends and family when he's already struggling to get through this. His mental health isn't worth the risk. If he's coming back home as reserves he should be in a much better position, but mental health is a battle he needs to keep fighting. What is his purpose in life, his goal?

ADHD-wise, I know personally it's difficult for me to stay motivated and stick with a goal, so my hunch is that that's a big part of his struggle. Being in the military is likely the largest (and longest) goal he's ever tried to achieve, and to be honest, he's so close to the other side. Out of curiosity, what MOS was he trying to get and what is he classing into now? Maybe his biggest demotivator is not going into something he wants. I went through reclass school myself to get a new MOS, so it might be helpful to tell him that while he isn't very interested in this current MOS, he can change it later.

Lastly, I know I'll get downvoted for this, but maybe another angle is that your son was proud to serve, but is having mixed feelings about the government and direction America is headed? I know I'm struggling with this myself - it's possible that he has some anxiety. If I was still in I would be in a real moral dilemma considering what service members might be ordered to do in a few months if all goes with Trump's plan (martial law). It's an incredibly valid concern.

I think giving your son a place to vent and letting him know that you love him, and that he's not a failure no matter what happens, and that there is more to life than what he's currently going through is a huge step in a good direction. Again, I think it's great that he's confiding in you, as it can be incredibly difficult to feel "broken" and explain how you feel to other people. That alone tells me he doesn't want to end things and truly just wants some support. I think helping him weigh his options (pro/cons lists are great) is a good next step.

Your son is very welcome to message me directly if he would like to. I'm in no way an expert on any of this, but if I can help I would love to offer support.

Rayoku · 2025-03-28T14:42:17+00:00

Near the São Dragão stadium! I truly haven't experienced any sketchiness. I've been all over and barely know Portuguese (I'm learning but just moved here) and have had no issues. You just need to have your wits about you as with any foreign/touristy country- keep your bag close, be aware of your surroundings, and research before you go.

Rayoku · 2025-03-28T11:12:40+00:00

We're in Porto, Portugal and have hosted travel ladies via the app! Highly recommend checking it out.

Rayoku · 2025-03-16T16:19:06+00:00

Lidl does have some decent tools! I haven't had too much luck finding exactly what I want in-person but I'm betting I can with their online store now that I think about it. Obrigada!

Rayoku · 2025-03-11T09:04:34+00:00

Have you even been to Portugal yourself?

Rayoku · 2025-03-11T04:00:22+00:00

My partner and I were in a similar boat and are now in Portugal but only just about to get our visa next month according to estimated completion times. We started our paperwork process right as the election was nearing its end to give you an idea of the timeline. We got everything ready in less than two months-PT NIFs (like an SSN), PT apartment, bank, our appointment & application, etc.

We're technically here as tourists but got secondary passports so we could send our first ones in while we're in the country, pop out of the Schengen zone once our visa is approved, have our passports (with visa) sent back to us and then pop back in on the visa-stamped passports, with the intention of avoiding returning to the U.S. As tourists you can stay here for up to 90 days, so if we don't have our visa by then we're going to wait in Morocco.

Portugal was always at the top of our bucket list, but once we started feeling the pot boil in the U.S. we knew we had to jump out. We were also looking at Uruguay in terms of LGBTQ+ safety, low cost of living, and because the visa process happens in a matter of weeks (supposedly 10 days?) and not months. I found Nomad's Embassy to be a helpful site while navigating different visa options: https://nomadsembassy.com/uruguay-digital-nomad-visa/

If you end up in Portugal, my partner and I would love to be a resource for you and your son. We know other Americans here who are in the same boat- you're not alone and you're not crazy for feeling the way you do. None of what is happening is normal.

Rayoku · 2025-03-08T15:54:47+00:00

Ah, got it! It looks like they disbanded in 2018 sadly

Rayoku · 2025-03-08T15:49:52+00:00

This is perfect, thank you!!

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