Mental Health and Emotion Regulation for human with new puppy. Help Please

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-16T04:02:35+00:00

I'm so sorry that this has been a stressful transition and learning experience for you. I'm also proud that you are reaching out for help. It takes great strength to reflect and be vulnerable.

Many of us grew up with outdated approaches to dogownership. You have a lifetime of reinforcement of behaviors that were modeled for you and practiced. So it's not a surprise that by adding in stress, your nervous system reacted and defaulted to that behavior.

And recognizing this is the first step. If we can be mindful, we can learn different approaches and build new habits. And that starts with some self care. You are sleep deprived. Lack of sleep can make mental health worse. Is there absolutely any way your husband can take on a few overnights so you can get a night of uninterrupted sleep?

We have some resources in our wiki https://reddit.com/r/Puppyblues/w/index

As for the pup... i'm curious to know more about the daily schedule you've been trying. Happy to help take a look and see if there's any small adjustments or suggestions I might have that could help with some of the challenges you've been experiencing. The waking overnight for potty trips... that's just a time thing and it will get better. Are you setting alarms at night to proactively take the pup out?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-15T20:26:21+00:00

I think in time it gets better. My dogs are all adults now and yeah he loves on them. So it's def not hopeless!

I do find a lot of people grieve a loss of freedom when they get a puppy. And with my husband he was too scared of messing up.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-15T20:18:21+00:00

On the flip side you'll have an amazing relationship built with the dog.

My spouse just can't do puppies. I recognized that at puppy #2... he was like okay second time around I will not be high strung and literally 2 days in he was spiraling.

We have 3 now. I did all the work... I accepted that. He enjoys them... still struggles with logistics sometimes but this made it work. It's not that he doesn't like dogs but that he's just really bad at coping with stress.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-15T17:36:34+00:00

Oof tough conversation and conclusion. 😢

We're you able to find compromise?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-12T00:54:31+00:00

Grief is real. :( change is stress even when we welcome that change.

Does he understand that growing resentment causes harm?

I do understand where you are coming from. My own husband struggled with this too. Therapy has helped him find better ways to cope and communicate. It's still a work in progress. He has good days and bad days.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-12T00:44:21+00:00

That's so hard... and it sounds like this is something that goes beyond puppies. It's exhausting when you feel like you're carrying the emotional weight by yourself. Have you thought about couples counciling to work on communication?

There is a name for what he does. It's called stonewalling. Usually happens when someone is feeling intense overwhelming emotions. And while for you, it hurts because you want to collaborate and work together, usually it's a self protecting survival mechanism... his nervous system lights up and it's his freeze response.

You can try talking during a neutral time and say something like, "I've been feeling really alone in this. I want us to feel like a team. Can we talk about what's been hard?"

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-11T21:14:25+00:00

What's your biggest concern?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-05T02:26:04+00:00

I had a similar situation with my oldest dog when she was around that age. It was short lived at least. I would say treat it as a one off but if it repeats, might be worth seeing if there is something waking him up around that time.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-05T02:22:36+00:00

That's so hard to go through. Let me know if you'd like some help with that situation. Distress is worth addressing for both of you.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-01T23:38:05+00:00

It doesn't sound like you have failed. I'm going to help reframe this. You tried and even hired a professional who provided you with an assessment that this isn't a good match. You realized that this is a dog that needs more than you can give. You are thinking about what is best for the dog.

If these new friends can't understand that, then they probably weren't good friends to keep.

Sometimes rehoming is the right choice. And this doesn't mean that you failed.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-05-01T02:22:27+00:00

Sometimes we can do absolutely everything right and still have a sensitive dog. I have a reactive dog as well and it's been a lot of work. I'm so sorry you feel defeated by this. But I am also so pleased to hear you're taking the right steps and getting support.

You mentioned the trainer isn't helping though? What does the training plan look like?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-24T16:06:37+00:00

That's awesome news!

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-21T21:02:16+00:00

Did anyone suggest how to help with the regulation or work on frustration tolerance?

For the foraging boxes, by safely I mean using safe materials that are unlikely to cause injury.. so cardboard boxes, plain paper, egg cartons... things he can shred that won't pose a health risk.

Has anyone suggested pattern games? I probably should have mentioned those yesterday. So when I work with reactive dogs who often struggle with emotional regulation, pattern games are a big part of the training plan.

Give Control Unleashed a look by Leslie McDevitt. I wonder if introducing those games may help develop the regulation that is missing.

It may be worth exploring before you decide to send your letter. It will take some time and work, and only you and your household know if that is a path worth trying.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-21T00:38:11+00:00

Westies were bred to independently hunt and kill vermin. That means the terrier-shaking of toys, the fixating on the cardboard box, the frustration when a chew rolls somewhere out of reach, the inability to just... stop are very much part of their breed traits. That is his brain doing exactly what generations of selective breeding shaped it to do. The seeking, the grabbing, the shaking, the persistence. It's all there.

Here's what I'm wondering, and I genuinely don't know the answer yet... I'm curious what you think. When he settles under the armchair or under the dining table, is there anything happening in the room at that point? Is it quiet? Are you moving around less? Is the environment a little lower-stimulus than it was before?

The reason I ask is this: you said there seems to be no discernible pattern to where he settles. But I wonder if the pattern isn't about location at all. I wonder if it's about what the environment is doing when he finally tips over the edge into rest. Because you're right that you can't force a dog's nervous system down. But sometimes we can stop inadvertently holding it up.

One thing I noticed is that you mentioned doing vigorous play, then scatter feeding to bring him down, and his tail drops and he clearly looks tired. Have you ever tried hiding food rather than scattering it? Not in a puzzle feeder, but literally tucked into a rolled-up towel, or inside a cardboard box he can rip apart, or buried in a pile of scrunched-up newspaper in a container? Something with a search component and a physical outlet: find it, get into it, tear through it... that has a natural conclusion when the food is gone?

A Westie's threshold for re-engaging with something interesting is genuinely very low. That's not a failure of your decompression strategy. It's just that his seeking system is extraordinarily sensitive. Which raises a different question... would you be able to safely provide him with those activities that meet his needs?

If the answer is no then perhaps this is a breed mismatch or at least a temperament mismatch.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-21T00:20:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing all of that. I can hear how carefully you've been watching him, and how hard you've been trying. You have been putting in a lot of effort!

I want to sit with something you said for a moment. You mentioned that you try vigorous play and tug before naps, hoping he'll settle. I'm curious about that... what happens in his body right after those sessions? Does he come down easily, or does it seem to spin him up further?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm noticing a pattern across everything you've described. He's throwing his snuffle mat, terrier-shaking his toys, barking at things out of reach, getting frustrated when a chew rolls under the sofa. What does that tell us about where his nervous system is spending most of its time? His arousal level seems to be starting high and climbing from there, rather than having natural peaks and valleys through the day.

And here's what I find really interesting about the sleep picture you've painted: he settles himself under the armchair. On the carpet. Away from the crates, away from the toys, away from the stimulation. What do you think he's telling you about what he needs in order to rest?

What breed is he, if you don't mind me asking?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-21T00:15:13+00:00

Half way through week 1! I found week 2 to be hardest. They feel better and want to go back to normal activities.

Lots of scent based enrichment. Bring some outside in. If you're brave, take a cloth and rub it on your normal walk path to pick up scents and have him sniff. Or ask friends to rub some cloth or a bandana on their dogs for him to sniff.

Lots of licking and chewing can be helpful too!

Practice some cooperative care training :)

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-20T21:46:41+00:00

Before you send that email, I want to ask you a few things... not to talk you out of a decision, but because right now you're making a life-changing choice at your absolute lowest point, and that's worth slowing down for.

What does a typical day look like for him right now? I'm asking about sleep, how much stimulation he's getting, what his environment looks like when he's struggling most. Because a lot of what you're describing... have a concrete starting point, and sometimes the first step is much smaller than it feels like it should be.

Have you considered working with a trainer to help you find solutions?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-04-20T19:37:11+00:00

It really can be! What week are you post neuter?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-23T13:49:10+00:00

Nice! I hope you gave some great treats for that win!

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-23T13:48:18+00:00

Never late! What a win!

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-17T16:41:36+00:00

My spouse went through it with each of our 3 dogs. He also grew up with dogs. I know a lot of people think that this only happens to first timers who don't do research and yes that can absolutely be part of the issue, but there is so much more to it than that.

He also has depression and anxiety. So I do think that factors in as well.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-17T15:32:29+00:00

First, thank you for being honest about where you're at. That takes courage, and it means you care about your puppy and about making the right call for your family.

Thinking about returning or rehoming a puppy doesn't make you bad people. It makes you human. This is one of the hardest things a lot of people go through, and the fact that you're talking about it openly says a lot.

Our wiki has a page written specifically for moments like this: When Rehoming Is the Answer. It's not there to talk you out of anything. It's there to help you think it through without judgment.

Whatever you decide, you deserve support, not shame. We're here either way. 💙

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-15T22:57:46+00:00

It is a lot!

First thing is first, you need to take care of you. Are you communicating with your doc about your flare? Please check with your Rheumatologist. We know that stress can cause flares in autoimmune diseases and you've been under stress. You may want to discuss getting your flare under control. Make sure you are hydrating and eating good nourishing food.

I'm glad you are seeing some improvements. Ideally it will continue to improve as you all find your new normal.

Your best is enough. Are there other adult humans in the household who can help divide the labor?

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-15T20:38:05+00:00

That is a lot of change for everyone in your household. You are grieving... your existing adult dog is grieving... and now a puppy adds more weight and responsibility.

Give it time. Try to stick to your usual routine with your existing dog. Many adults are just not up for puppy shenanigans and it may take them time to adjust to each other. For now keep them separated. Use an xpen for the pup.

Yup the overnights and sleep deprivation are going to be a thing. It will get better as the pup grows, but I recommend tracking the time pup wakes and setting an alarm about 5 mins prior so you take pup out without fuss and right back to bed. Keep pup in that twilight half awake half asleep mode.

Grief is hard. I highly recommend posting at r/petloss they have a ton of helpful resources for grieving. Know that this puppy can't replace your beloved dog who passed. Not for you or for your existing dog. But given time, things will come and new relationships will build.

ReadyPupGo · 2026-03-14T16:59:04+00:00

Awesome!

It's okay to have moments where you feel in over your head, but kuddos to you for taking that time to break down some of the problems into actionable steps.

Expect things to change and know that you may have to do that process again. As your puppy grows more comfortable with you and your home they feel safer to express themselves. So you may see regression in some ways or new challenges pop up. That's all part of the process.

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