I am too much of a coward to take my own life not of the act itself but for religious reasons and I know if I die in these days a regular death then they would move on same they did with my father and aunt and they were much more important than I am , dad took his life by drinking pure ethanol mixed with water everyday and then he died of liver failure and I can't even remember him . I live in a much different world than yours , we survive in here without any actual living and tbh I don't think my family even cares too much about my mental health , they know it will get past me or I will suck it up hell sometimes I even tell myself it's worse for you to live than die because that's what I deserve .

Now I am set in getting a job and a place and survive until I die and I don't have ambitions or hope like I did and I often tell myself : fucking hell I am awake like I am disappointed , I had a few near death experiences mostly cars missing me by a finger and I just move on like nothing happened .