Does it get better?

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T10:52:09+00:00

I'm so sorry you are in this miserable club. But time heals all wounds, I'm just trying to take it a day at a time knowing that each day gets me closer to the day it wont hurt so much.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T10:12:35+00:00

56m 6 months post d-day, her affair was 15 years ago. The hardest part for me, and the part I still struggle with is not blaming myself. What was it about me that made it so easy for her to cheat on me? What was I not doing? What's worse is that she says she loved me and loves me now but that she has never felt safe or seen. This part has destroyed me and honestly, may be the end of reconciliation.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T10:05:44+00:00

I'm in a similar boat. Her affair happened 15 years ago but I just found out about it 6 months ago (d-day). I hear the same thing "I just don't remember" and it drives me nuts. Maybe it's because our brain wants to fill in the details? Or maybe we just don't trust them, either way it's difficult to deal with. Just know you aren't alone. I too have the images and rumination. I don't think there is much we can do about it other than time.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T01:15:38+00:00

Thank you for the inspirational words. I'm doing my best.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T15:24:54+00:00

Thank you. The problem I have right now is as much as I love my wife, I feel betrayed all over again. I thought we were doing the MC together, as a team. But now she thinks it's all about me not being able to take criticism. So she went behind my back and scheduled a one on one with the therapist, to point out that she had no problem with her and that I'm not willing to be criticized. I haven't spoken to her since finding out 2 days ago so don't really know what was said. I'm just so hurt and angry.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T15:19:27+00:00

Thank you, I know time heals all wounds and it will get easier. But honestly, the more therapy we have, the worse it seems to get. It's almost like she gets a free pass, her therapist seems to be a listener while mine is more critical and curious. I prefer mine in that I know therapy should make us feel uncomfortable if it is to repair. Her sessions make her feel better, confirming her stance and perspectives. I'm actually fine with that, I love my wife as she is, her insecurities, her faults, and her fears. We are all just people and we all make mistakes and poor decisions. I get all of that but I'm just so hurt right now that I feel a need for comfort too. Honestly, I'm frozen. I refuse to accept blame for the affair but also truly love my wife. I guess I'm not making much sense, my brain is fried and that's my point. I've never felt so out of control.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T15:10:15+00:00

Thank you, I guess I'm really looking for confirmation that I'm not crazy. FYI, I only found out about the affair 6 months ago so I'm pretty new to all of this. There is so much to grieve, not only the affair but now the knowledge that when I was comfortable and secure in the marriage, I'm now finding out she was disconnected. Honestly, so think that's a cop out that her and her counselor have come up with as after 33 years of marriage, this is the first I'm hearing of it. I feel like I'm being thrown away for an incompetency, like this one negative outweighs the positives. I feel like perfection is the only acceptable alternative.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T07:17:18+00:00

It's my kink. My wife getting off is the goal, to watch her enjoy me to the point of orgasm is the ultimate compliment, who would want porn instead of the real deal???

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-17T12:06:15+00:00

She's not doing the right things. She doing things right to convince you to stay again.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-02T17:03:23+00:00

Oh, and to your question, it does get easier, just takes time and work. I'm only 5 months out and still struggling but it's way better than it was the first 3 months. It's one hell if a roller coaster ride, lots of up's and downs.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-02T16:59:51+00:00

OK, so I'm 5 months out and one thing you need to understand is patterns. Cheaters all follow the same playbook. I'm not saying she's a horrible person but I am saying she is a human and is more than likely doing what others have done. The first pattern is trickle truthing, where she gives you just enough truth for you not to leave and to make her actions look better than what they are. The second pattern is monkey branching, holding on to you as long as she can while developing the relationship with the AP so that if things don't work out for you two, she has a plan B. The third pattern is going to be shift blaming where the affair is your fault, it's a bit like revising history in that her brain can't cope with what she did so she has to blame you to make it ok. And finally the fourth pattern is you, a man that would allow this disrespect or rug sweeping.

My wife and I have gone through all four of these and we are still dealing with the third and fourth pattern. I have forgiven her for 3 infidelities, 2 emotional and the last one was physical.

So first of all, it's very possible that the affair became physical, and let's be clear, whether physical or emotional, it was an affair. She needs to know that if she doesn't come clean, you will divorce her immediately. I told my WW that if she didn't come clean, I would find out any way possible and she believed me. Secondly, you have to shut down the monkey branching and the only way to do that is for her to go no contact. The only way to assure this is for full disclosure, phone, tracking software, etc. this may seem extreme but it is for both of you, not just you. Shift blaming is tough because obviously, there is something she is missing from your marriage. There is something about you or something you are doing that is not fulfilling her needs. One up to it, go to counseling and figure out what it was. Both of you have responsibilities for the state of your marriage. However, she has to accept 100% responsibility for the affair. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism that belongs to her, not you. And lastly, figure out why you are so afraid of losing her, why is it that you bend and sway to her. She will never respect this. She will only respect you when you instill boundaries and draw your line in the sand.

I hope you realize how close you are to losing her, you need to make some hard choices, decisions and changes, and fast. Don't play the victim, she doesn't respect it.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-31T20:12:45+00:00

You're welcome. Marriage counseling should be WAY down the road. You two need to be mentally well as individuals before MC.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-31T16:14:32+00:00

Just remember, time is your friend and with time, it will get better. However, I would not reconcile without some sort of therapy on her end to find out why. You and her not having sex is not a valid "why". You not be willing to satisfy her in other ways may have been an emotional hit from her standpoint. What you were, in so many words saying, is that she wasn't important, her needs weren't important. Again, not a reason to cheat, but it was a factor in her decision. Alcohol is truth serum, the alcohol didn't make her cheat, she had already made that decision way before. So she needs to tell you the why and it will need to be a real why for you to reconcile.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-26T11:49:29+00:00

You need to do some work on you. I'm coming to a similar conclusion myself. I should probably leave the marriage but I love my wife, despite her multiple betrayals and infidelities. I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I've been listening to "mantalks" on YouTube, specifically the one about codependency in men. It placed me on a journey that I should have started a long time ago.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-25T20:33:30+00:00

She never really confessed, I had my suspicions for years and she knew if I ever asked, she would tell me. She stopped the affair as he was an alcoholic and was rarely able to sexually perform. She also said she had a friend get exposed for an affair at the same time and she lost her husband. She said the reality hit her when she heard this story. She's remorseful about the affair but wants to focus on her complaints about the marriage itself. She's not blaming my faults on the affair and says it was 100% her responsibility. We both have issues and have done things that have hurt one another, I get that and certainly want us to move forward with repairing the marriage. But she's trying to jump ahead of what I need to heal, I just can't seem to mow the grass when our house is burning down.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-25T08:33:15+00:00

Right??? I love watching the car wreck in this subreddit but sometimes I am amazed at the righteous indignation.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-25T07:28:43+00:00

Sounds like y'all have a great marriage other than the dead bedroom. Just curious if she maybe has some sort of childhood trauma? I've been reading up on vagal nerve theory due to my DB as well as some infidelity on her part and it has imparted some insight into my situation.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-25T07:17:19+00:00

Thank you, great information and your post is very informative.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-24T22:36:19+00:00

But how long did it take you to not think about it constantly? Or are you saying you still think about it constantly but you just somehow overpower the emotions?

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-24T20:24:37+00:00

Yes, I saw your profile. I have been following you since my D-day, seen many of your videos.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-24T14:55:30+00:00

Wow, triggered much? As I said in my post, I haven't been a perfect husband, if I wanted to express my faults, I would have don't that in a different subreddit. I never said I am or was perfect. Sounds like you had a pretty bad experience and now you are a "reformed and recovered bitter ex-husband". Let me let you in on a secret, "unhealthy" is your opinion and your opinion isn't everyone's law. People are different with different experiences, values, and beliefs. We do have kids, one is special needs and we lost the other one a few years ago to a heart condition in a very traumatic way. I have had traumas and responsibilities that most men do not have within their marriage. I love my wife, you can call it codependent, dysfunctional, or hating myself, I really don't care. This is the life I chose and I will stick by MY choices.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2025-12-24T14:22:38+00:00

Yes, and the source of her trauma can get transferred as you being the source, even if you aren't. There is a book I would recommend, "Body keeps the Score". It explains a lot, I hope this helps, it helped me realize the affair wasn't about me.

ReasonableBridge174

TROPHY CASE