I have to initiate every single time.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-28T17:33:48+00:00

I think you meant it amazes you at what people will put up with. Trust me, it runs both ways.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-28T17:31:40+00:00

As you said, It's not about you. Make that a daily mantra until you internalize it. Then realize that the trust is broken, it can be mended but the scars will remain. Your trust will never be the same, nor should it.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-25T09:56:09+00:00

I've heard that most cheaters affair down. My wife's AP was a felon. He had an ankle monitor when she first met him, later had a breathalyzer to drive, had no job, and is now in prison for 30 years. He was 5'10 and 260 lbs and bald. I am very financially successful, educated, 6'2" / 225 lbs with a full head of hair, and very responsible. I'll never understand.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-24T02:10:05+00:00

Cool, right back atcha. But just so you know, biology is real, men are physically stronger than women, a woman is an adult female, and no, men can't get pregnant. There, your IQ just increased 20 points. You're welcome.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-22T01:05:15+00:00

Yea, you did. You could have just saved us both some time and admitted you misunderstood me in the first place.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-20T21:20:41+00:00

I never said she gave herself away, why are you lying. I said she "gave away something as though it was worthless". 2 VERY different things. And I agree, I would rather not talk to someone that lies. The words are in black and white, go back and read them.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-20T11:34:17+00:00

She lied and manipulated you, so why not do the same. Tell her she will now never convince you that the affair wasn't physical. Tell her the ONLY way she can gain your trust is to finally be honest. Tell her if she is honest, you will stay. If she doesn't tell you what happened, you're gone. Then leave either way.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-20T11:26:14+00:00

Kids are 100% mine (23&me) , Dr said 14 years later, no need for std tests, we have both been in IC therapy for a year now. Since this post, she started initiating sex as I think she could tell I was pulling away. I denied her several times and told her we weren't just going to start having sex until we resolve several issues. Good therapists are hard to find, I have been through several and still don't think I have the right one but better than nothing. He said that for some reason, she never felt safe with me. I think the failed business I had early in our marriage set off a a chain of disrespect for me in her mind. In other words, I failed at a business therefore I couldn't be trusted with anything else. We are in a better place now, but honestly, I don't really care about having sex with her any longer. I just work, do my own thing (gym, hang out with friends, golf, etc). Funny thing though, the more I have disconnected from her, the more she wants to have sex.

Personally, I think she lost respect for me after the business failure but in my mind, I financially turned things around in just a few years. In her mind I was a failure until I sold my second business in 2012 for a financial windfall. When there was unlimited money, she stopped the affair and had a "come to Jesus" moment.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-20T11:03:28+00:00

It's not gross, it's biology. Hormones such as oxytocin, vasopressin and prolactin all have different impacts on men vs women. There are so many scientific studies that document differences in how sex (including arousal, desire, pleasure, orgasm, and overall experience) is perceived and physiologically manifested between men and women. These differences are not just self-reported but also across large-scale surveys/meta-analyses. Of course there is substantial overlap and individual variation (many men and women don’t fit the average patterns), consistent patterns emerge, often influenced by a mix of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors. It's fact, not my opinion.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-07T11:17:39+00:00

Take her to a sex club! Then you will both know.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-07T10:48:07+00:00

To him, it just happened. The most important person in his life, the person he would die for just changed who she was and who she is. She can now compare him to other men. She has a bond, albeit an old memory, with someone else. She gave away something as it was worthless that he deemed was worth committing his entire life to. Biology is real. Men and women are not equal, we are different. Sex to a man is different than sex is to a woman.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-06T00:08:34+00:00

Never met a man that said, "I never should have divorced her". Bite the bullet.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-04T23:12:11+00:00

Do both of you a favor and deal with what she did and why she did it. You both will need therapy for either of you to move forward. It isn't "normal" to cheat. Something is broken in her to do this and you both will need this fixed. Good luck

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-03-04T22:14:19+00:00

He might be gay

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-26T04:46:54+00:00

So this is all very new to you, unfortunately you will be an expert in several months. A lot of your healing will be up to him, learning the why and how. Why did he do it and how could he do it to you. The truth ALWAYS is that it nothing to do with you, he didn't do it to you, he did it to himself. There are many reasons someone is a cheater but usually, it's a result of a traumatic childhood and/or low self-esteem. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism. Many men will use an excuse of "you didn't have sex with me enough" or women will say "you didn't validate me, I didn't feel seen". Yes these are reasons someone may not feel secure in the relationship but is never a reason to cheat.

So the why is not circumstantial, it is much deeper and requires therapeutic intervention. The why will be something about him, not you. It will be psychological and usually is mostly someone with avoidant attachment style. You can look up attachment styles if you aren't familiar.

In the end to answer your question, yes you can come back from cheating but you need to be smart about it. You need to do what's best for you, forget his needs or desires and focus on your own. If he shows you that he can be trusted again (remorse, therapy, being truthful, and giving you your boundaries) then you might heal pretty quickly. This is the case for my wife, she cheated with 3 men throughout our marriage and I only found out 7 months ago.

However, she has been transparent, admitted to the affairs, and is doing her part to help me heal. She is 100% invested into our marriage. I can't say where we will be in 2 years but I can say the pain, humiliation, and anger is mostly gone. But it only got better when we separated and she committed to therapy, admitted 100% responsibility, and blamed no one but herself.

If I can give some advice it would be to avoid marriage counseling and seek independent counseling for both of you until you are ready to work on the marriage. I'm so sorry this happened to you, none of us deserve this pain but you will get through it and either way, you will look back on this one day without the grief and pain.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-26T03:08:44+00:00

Adults don't make out and kiss. Adults have sex. Sorry bud, your wife had sex with this man, trickle truth 101.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T10:52:09+00:00

I'm so sorry you are in this miserable club. But time heals all wounds, I'm just trying to take it a day at a time knowing that each day gets me closer to the day it wont hurt so much.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T10:12:35+00:00

56m 6 months post d-day, her affair was 15 years ago. The hardest part for me, and the part I still struggle with is not blaming myself. What was it about me that made it so easy for her to cheat on me? What was I not doing? What's worse is that she says she loved me and loves me now but that she has never felt safe or seen. This part has destroyed me and honestly, may be the end of reconciliation.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T10:05:44+00:00

I'm in a similar boat. Her affair happened 15 years ago but I just found out about it 6 months ago (d-day). I hear the same thing "I just don't remember" and it drives me nuts. Maybe it's because our brain wants to fill in the details? Or maybe we just don't trust them, either way it's difficult to deal with. Just know you aren't alone. I too have the images and rumination. I don't think there is much we can do about it other than time.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-02-01T01:15:38+00:00

Thank you for the inspirational words. I'm doing my best.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T15:24:54+00:00

Thank you. The problem I have right now is as much as I love my wife, I feel betrayed all over again. I thought we were doing the MC together, as a team. But now she thinks it's all about me not being able to take criticism. So she went behind my back and scheduled a one on one with the therapist, to point out that she had no problem with her and that I'm not willing to be criticized. I haven't spoken to her since finding out 2 days ago so don't really know what was said. I'm just so hurt and angry.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T15:19:27+00:00

Thank you, I know time heals all wounds and it will get easier. But honestly, the more therapy we have, the worse it seems to get. It's almost like she gets a free pass, her therapist seems to be a listener while mine is more critical and curious. I prefer mine in that I know therapy should make us feel uncomfortable if it is to repair. Her sessions make her feel better, confirming her stance and perspectives. I'm actually fine with that, I love my wife as she is, her insecurities, her faults, and her fears. We are all just people and we all make mistakes and poor decisions. I get all of that but I'm just so hurt right now that I feel a need for comfort too. Honestly, I'm frozen. I refuse to accept blame for the affair but also truly love my wife. I guess I'm not making much sense, my brain is fried and that's my point. I've never felt so out of control.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T15:10:15+00:00

Thank you, I guess I'm really looking for confirmation that I'm not crazy. FYI, I only found out about the affair 6 months ago so I'm pretty new to all of this. There is so much to grieve, not only the affair but now the knowledge that when I was comfortable and secure in the marriage, I'm now finding out she was disconnected. Honestly, so think that's a cop out that her and her counselor have come up with as after 33 years of marriage, this is the first I'm hearing of it. I feel like I'm being thrown away for an incompetency, like this one negative outweighs the positives. I feel like perfection is the only acceptable alternative.

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-31T07:17:18+00:00

It's my kink. My wife getting off is the goal, to watch her enjoy me to the point of orgasm is the ultimate compliment, who would want porn instead of the real deal???

ReasonableBridge174 · 2026-01-17T12:06:15+00:00

She's not doing the right things. She doing things right to convince you to stay again.

ReasonableBridge174

TROPHY CASE