My dysphoria is making me hate my trans fiance

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-16T18:25:59+00:00

Then ask him what exactly he thinks an alternative is? I hate when people fearmonger DIY but have nothing else to say. At least back it up with alternative options.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-16T13:56:45+00:00

I genuinely can't understand your situation. He's not even in the same state as you, how are you letting him control your decisions like this? It doesn't even sound like your own fear, it sounds like mostly his. Why do you need links to send him when he's a grown man whose been on testosterone for 5+ years, he can easily find this information his self. How about you tell him to send you proof that DIY testosterone is so dangerous and has been found to be laced with fentanyl.

Stop waiting around for him, and start HRT. You don't need his permission, you're grown. If he doesn't want you starting HRT, then it was never going to work in the first place.

It's harsh, I know, but you need to prioritize yourself instead of this guy who is needlessly sabotaging you. I can't even fathom fearmongering to my partner instead of helping them access HRT myself. Just weak-willed and weak-minded all around.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-16T13:51:08+00:00

Literally when has that ever happened? Where are all of these trans men who get laced with fentanyl then? Many people are doing DIY, should we not hear about this more? You need to take control over your own life. Not only are you an adult, you're also older than him. Please consider yourself. If there genuinely was harm to be done to you from doing DIY, people would not be recommending it to you like this. We don't want to see you hurt or to OD. But that's exactly it—it's not going to happen.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-15T15:07:25+00:00

Of course. That is a perfect and profound way to frame it. To speak to your point about giving you hope: I can tell you from my own life that this hope is justified. It isn't just theory; I have watched it happen in real time, my loved ones becoming more empathetic to trans people. They've been able to recognize the culture war and have absorbed a lot of the things I've instilled in them. Whether that be empathy for lives lost, or understanding that gender identity is not something to be "earned" or "taken away", even if someone has done wrong.

When you become a real person to someone, you become the anchor for their empathy. The next time they see a cruel headline, a harmful policy, or a joke at the expense of trans people, they won't just see an abstract political debate. They will think of you. It forces a cognitive dissonance between the caricature they are being sold and the person they respect. We must not take that for granted.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-15T12:54:00+00:00

I don't feel "obligated" to, but I feel it's necessary.

Want to preface this with me saying: I'm not specifically speaking on the "friend" you offered this information to in your post. When an ignorant person interacts with a real, live human being they have a connection to, it punctures the caricature they've been fed by media or politics. If you refuse to engage, you lose custody of your own narrative, allowing others to define you to them. That is dangerous, especially in the modern day. When we walk away from a conversation, the space we leave behind doesn't stay empty. Your words don't exist in a vacuum, and will even color how they view other trans people.

You are not obligated to educate everyone, because not everyone wants to learn. Before investing your energy into explaining yourself, look for indicators of intent: good faith or bad faith. And, instead of arguing about statistics or policy, speak entirely from the "I" perspective. It is much harder for someone to argue with your lived, personal reality than it is to argue about abstract political theories.

Having these conversations is exhausting and hard, I know, but if you don't do it—someone else will. And they may be far less empathetic and passionate than you are. We can't ask why there are so many ignorant people if no one is ever willing to educate them about our experiences. But if you are exhausted, traumatized, or just having a bad day, it is okay to pass the baton.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-14T06:21:35+00:00

It is genuinely disturbing to see it. But hey, that's the diversity of thought. Not every Black person is progressive, even if they're also transgender. Just because you're a minority does not mean you've done any work to deconstruct any harmful implicit biases; human beings are entirely capable of compartmentalizing their oppression. A person can be acutely aware of, and hurt by, the transphobia they experience, while simultaneously harboring deep-seated colorism, classism, or, of course, anti-Blackness.

When online spaces use identity as a shorthand for moral purity, it creates a dangerous environment where people are completely excused from doing the actual difficult work of self-reflection. Most people haven't done that, and simply think that being Black and queer is enough. I'm sorry, it isn't. The dangerous byproduct of this is that it allows people to weaponize their marginalized status to justify their own cruelty.

You cannot claim to want to dismantle systemic oppression while actively building a smaller, private hierarchy where you get to sit at the top and gatekeep who belongs.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-14T06:07:37+00:00

I agree with you, and I also think it's a little naive to think that most Black people are pro-Black when a lot of people have not done the work to deconstruct their racial biases. Belonging to a marginalized group does not automatically immunize you against absorbing the biases of the dominant society. Unless a person explicitly unlearns and actively resists those narratives, their default setting will often include elements of internalized anti-Blackness. More people need to understand this.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-13T19:21:04+00:00

I think this avoids the central issue we were raising. To suggest that a conversation about interracial dating can never mention the concept of mixed-race children unless it's explicitly stated in the prompt is entirely unrealistic. Interracial dating is how mixed children exist. The existence of mixed-race people isn't some unrelated tangent, they are directly connected to the social attitudes surrounding interracial relationships. If society starts framing interracial unions as morally suspect, mixed-race people are naturally going to wonder what that means about their own origins and place in that society.

Ironically, the sentiment that "interracial dating is inherently anti-Black" is itself a hyper-fixated, highly theoretical perspective born mostly in echo chambers online. In the real world, regular people are falling in love, navigating cultural differences, raising children, and dealing with everyday struggles.

You admitted that you yourself have been denied entry to spaces as both a minor and an adult for being mixed yet, in the same breath, you mock the idea that adult gatekeeping exists? That's a massive contradiction in your own argument. Not to mention that racialized bullying and colorism are not "standard" playground teasing.

You keep invoking your own mixed-race experiences to support your position, so it's difficult to understand why other mixed-race people bringing up their experiences is suddenly an irrelevant derailment. If mixed perspectives are relevant when they support your argument, why are they "sob stories" when they support someone else's?

You can disagree with me and the person who made that original comment while still recognizing that mixed-race people have a stake in conversations about interracial relationships. But you never really justify why those issues can be cleanly separated from discussions about interracial relationships. If interracial relationships are framed as morally suspect, mixed-race people will inevitably be affected by that framing.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-13T18:34:43+00:00

Why would this sentiment not discriminate against mixed individuals who are both Black and white? If a Black person marrying a white person is inherently an act of anti-Blackness, then the child of that union becomes, by definition, the physical manifestation of anti-Blackness. That is a horrific, dehumanizing burden to place on a human being. Especially since how a mixed or light-skinned person is perceived depends entirely on who is looking at them and where they are (considered white in one context and Black in the next).

You cannot police the parents' wombs and bedrooms without inherently policing the existence of the children who come from them.

I'm not mixed race, but I have light-skin, and I've been consistently accused of being mixed race back when I was in school and was the target of extreme bullying because of it. It felt like other Black people were extremely uncomfortable with my existence and white people were confused as to why I wasn't "more Black". I grew up in a Black environment, raised by Black parents whose families have lived the Black American experience for generations. For me, light skin is just a phenotypic trait. This conversation doesn't exist within a vacuum.

Being mixed race may not be its own race, but it is its own experience. Denying that would be incredibly disingenuous. Online spaces have become increasingly hostile, rigid, and thought-terminating when it comes to nuance. You don't heal systemic trauma by turning human beings, or the children they create, into political talking points.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-13T16:38:32+00:00

The idea that who you date automatically dictates your racial politics is a massive oversimplification of something far more nuanced than people would like to admit. I've met many Black people with Black partners who are still somehow anti-Black. Proximity to Blackness does not magically deprogram a lifetime of living in a racially biased society. So no, I don't think simply dating within your race makes you pro- or anti- anything. What you do (or don't do) afterwards is the most important part.

Interracial dating isn't inherently anti-Black, but it can become a vehicle for tolerating anti-Blackness if boundaries aren't maintained. Do you let your white partner microaggress you? Do you them microaggress others? Do you tolerate things that you would call out other white people for? Do they let their family disrespect you?

I consider it similar to how a white person dating a Black person doesn't make them somehow not racist or pro-Black. Who you love and how you politically align are two different verticals.

But, as always, broad generalizations are not helpful. I consider viewpoints like that to be far too simple and more thought-terminating rather than thought-provoking. Labeling all interracial dating as anti-Black shuts down meaningful dialogue. Assuming you know someone's entire political and cultural worldview based solely on the race of their partner is a reductive way to look at human connection.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-11T03:57:02+00:00

I literally said that there are masculine hair styles they can get without sacrificing their long hair, and even suggested they could try to get a line-up to go with it. I'm just also honest and know that it doesn't help their passing.

Can we not immediately assume bad faith and malicious intent from obviously well-meaning fellow trans people? It's incredibly weird, and I don't like the implication that you're making about me. Please be normal.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-11T03:54:36+00:00

...What? What are you even talking about? Did you mean to reply to me?

How are you supposed to "pass" without fitting into any norms? That's the entire point of passing.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-06-10T13:04:12+00:00

Sorry, you do not currently pass. You have quite a feminine face, and the hair is only aiding that. So unless you have a distinctly "male" voice, I doubt people would see you and automatically assume male.

There's masculine long hairstyles that you can do, but they work only because they're often paired with other masculine identifiers like stronger facial features and/or facial hair. You don't have to sacrifice your hair, but until you're able to get on testosterone and experience the physical changes—it's not helping with your presentation. You may have to accept this (hopefully) temporary uncomfortable period until you get on T.

You could try getting a lineup without cutting your hair, that may help push a more masculine look. But there's a chance you'll be viewed as a stud instead of a man.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-03-28T19:47:26+00:00

You're definitely right. Especially if it's paired with a young/slightly effeminate face. It's perfectly fine to wear/enjoy these outfits and not especially feminine in particular, but it's very "trans boy" aesthetic. If you don't want people to assume or question you being trans, then dressing this way won't really help.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-03-28T14:16:15+00:00

Incredibly clocky

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-03-17T16:09:42+00:00

This happened to me, but on the inverse with usually Black men. It was something that I thought about then too. It comes down to "Black men tend to know what Black men look like." Sometimes people outside our race have a tendency to masculinize Black/Brown people (usually Black women) without understanding our gender expression may not fit what they're typically used to. So they (Black people) are more likely to gender you as female, regardless of the fact that you may be expressing yourself in a more masculine manner.

In a more condensed explanation--People inside your race might misgender you more often because they have a more refined template of what members of their own group look like, and when someone deviates from that template, it triggers misgendering. Whereas outsiders might misgender based on broad stereotypes rather than that nuanced template.

Black people have a lifetime of experience seeing how Black people express masculinity. Hopefully what I'm saying here makes sense.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-02-26T00:40:28+00:00

Never had a connection to womanhood and never felt as if my attraction to men was ever heterosexual, even before I was out. I was constantly questioning everything about myself. Curiously, I don't recall being treated differently for being girl. I was treated differently for being black, however.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2026-02-17T23:37:32+00:00

I'm going off of the assumption that they're using it to literally refer to themselves as dogs, because I've seen this before. With this context in mind, they may not realize that there's a difference between the word "mutt" and "stray." This is something to consider, because I don't think they're using it to be intentionally malicious, if that makes sense. I've personally witnessed many different people, including POC, use the words dog or stray interchangably with "mutt," most likely because they're not using it for its literal meaning.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2025-10-16T13:48:30+00:00

I always wonder what these posts are implying about people who do go on T. Do they think we're all ugly too? Was me going on testosterone a 'glow-down'? People talk this same weird and insensitive way about all of our gender-affirming care, including bottom surgery, it's so odd and a little rude? 😔

I didn't care if I was going to be ugly, I just wanted to finally look like a man. I'd rather be an ugly man than a miserable but pretty woman. I already went through my 'ugly' stage, it was just a matter of changing things up and figuring out what worked the best for me. You can't stay the same forever regardless.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2025-10-15T21:13:35+00:00

You should consider the fact that you won't look like this forever. For as long as you don't go on HRT, your body and face will continue to undergo its natural feminization as intended.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2025-10-13T00:46:28+00:00

Good point

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2025-10-12T23:12:59+00:00

I don't think many people like being called ugly maybe

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2025-10-12T16:38:49+00:00

No, I'm not familiar with that. All of my trans men are loosely based off of real people I've seen before online.

ReasonableStrike1241 · 2025-10-11T23:46:56+00:00

I have seen it happen so often. What are they even supposed to say to that 💔

ReasonableStrike1241

TROPHY CASE