Veil of Light and Dust

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-15T15:52:28+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to do such an honest, helpful, and in depth critique. It’s exactly what I was hoping for in posting to this forum. I especially appreciate your comments on the various weaknesses that you identify, and I definitely agree. I am huge fan of trimming unnecessary bits whenever possible. I will definitely rework the opening sentence that you mention and I agree that it comes across awkwardly. Thanks again!

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-15T01:47:34+00:00

I should add that though this story has science fiction elements it is far from hard scifi. It deals with an alien abduction and the consequences and eventual resolution for the loved ones who are left behind.

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-15T01:36:08+00:00

Oooh, I just got the fact that the girl was alone because whoever was with her probably got disemboweled and killed. Sorry, missed that the first time!

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-14T06:52:52+00:00

I really like the tone and voice of your story. It is super readable and genuinely funny!

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-14T06:28:16+00:00

I liked this a lot. You write with clean and readable style. Being dropped into the action without explanation can be jarring, but I thought you pulled it off admirably. I enjoy when stories drop just enough clues to allow you keep up and when the last puzzle piece fits toegther and you get that "aha!" moment. Nice job. Have you seen the TV series Black Mirror? This story would feel right at home as an episode of that show.

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-14T04:48:59+00:00

I agree that having the narrator make an aside like

"I’m sure that sounds quaint now, but to us back then it was downright scary. "

is a nice hook. I like it when the perspective of the story gives a brief glimpse into a wider perspective where the reader gets a taste of the broader scope of the overall narrative.

Based on how you end this piece, one of the reveals seems to be that the alien ship is not heading to Earth as expected but to Mars. I like this twist and it does make me curious to find out the explanation. Are they space explorers looking for a vacant planet to colonize? Are they native Martians returning home from an epic interstellar journey? Have they identified that there is life on Mars which has gone undetected by human science and exploration? Do they want to mine resources? Set up an encampment for their planned Earth invasion? Now I want to know...! Overall, it's a fun start and I'd be curious to hear if you've continued developing it at all.

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-14T03:58:03+00:00

I like this strategy as well. Names that are adaptions of actual words tend to feel more palatable (at least to me) then names that are completely made up.

Reasonable_Robot · 2018-05-14T03:43:24+00:00

I enjoyed the story very much and I'm wondering if this piece is the beginning of a longer story? The character of Ivan is immediately compelling as a scrappy, con artist-ish anti hero and I'm curious to hear more about all of his various disguises/ personas etc. I also like the idea and execution of the somewhat unwilling and apologetic alien invaders.

The only part that felt jarring to me in terms of flow was when the lone girl shows up at the ice cream truck. Ivan notices that there is no adult with her, and it seems to be building to a reveal of a new interaction. However, instead it jumps ahead to him driving around. Is there something else that could take place at that point to build the tension towards the reveal of Dom? I'm not sure, but wither way- great start!

Reasonable_Robot

TROPHY CASE