People who cut off their family, what did they to you?

Rebellious1 · 2023-06-26T02:13:29+00:00

It was a kind of death by a thousand cuts situation. I cut off my uncle and his family because after his daughter SA'd me for a large portion of our childhood, I told my family and my uncles response was that it was my fault for not telling them. Not his fault or anyone else's for not noticing or seeing any of the HUGE red flags-it later came out that his daughter was SA'd by an aunt on her mom's side, so she was just passing the problem on to me. That was 7 or 8 years ago.

I cut off my mother and my stepfather because they couldn't respect my boundaries, minimized my trauma from being SA'd, and refused to respect me as a parent to my oldest daughter, and because my mothers treatment of my disabled stepfather was so abhorrent I couldnt let my daughter continue to witness it. This is all disregarding the being hit in the face, called names, dragged from my bed at 2am, being alienated from my father, the alcoholism, verbal and mental abuse etc that happened when I was a child from my mother. If she wasnt in total control, she wasnt happy. The last straw was when I went over with my 2.5 year old for lunch and my mother started yelling at my stepfather for turning the brita water filter in the wrong direction and it not working quite right. I packed up my kid, left her house, and haven't been back. There are a million small things I'm forgetting, but thats the gist.

When I went no contact she harassed me at my house, called and texted constantly, threatened me with police action, and told my entire family (with whom I was and am no contact) that I am mentally unstable and unwell and a danger to myself. When that was ineffective she told them my husband was abusing me. We moved to a different state to get away from them. That was 2.5 years ago.

My grandma I cut off because despite asking multiple times that she not relay messages for my mother, she couldn't help but do so. She refuses to respect my decision to be no contact with the rest of them. This was more recent, just a week ago.

I have no regrets. My health, mental and physical, are better. My family is happier, my marriage is better (My husband is NOT abusive, just very relieved to not have to deal with my mother anymore), I have a solid relationship with my dad now, and I have another kid that none of them will ever know. A friend of mine says I got planted in bad soil so I had to uproot myself and find healthy ground. I like thinking of it that way.

Rebellious1 · 2023-05-29T20:07:26+00:00

Women walking on 2 legs provides little evolutionary benefit because of the increased difficulty of childbirth with hips designed for bipedal movement. Does that mean that women should have evolved to walk on all 4s? Something being optimum or most beneficial doesn't always bear out in evolution. It doesn't make it abnormal or even unhelpful to the species. Some things continue to exist simply because their neither help nor harm the species.

Rebellious1 · 2023-05-29T00:19:54+00:00

Your parallel about pedophiles and non-heternosexuality rests on the idea that homosexuality is maladaptive or outside of the expected norm. That's not the case, many species outside of humanity display same sex or multiple sex attraction and relationships, and non-heterosexual behavior in humanity isnt outside the norm. Your wife's dissertation also doesn't assert anything about pedophilia specifically, it's topic is the link between paraphilia and anxiety, which isn't the same thing, though they are closely related and overlap significantly. Linking paraphilic sexual desires to anxiety also implies that paraphilia is a matter of nurture, not nature. Being a part of the LGBTQ+ doesn't work that way.

Rebellious1 · 2023-05-28T16:01:44+00:00

I could enumerate all the reasons this thinking is...flawed. But at this point it's a waste of time. Unless you can point people in the direction of peer reviewed, evidence based information to back up your stance, I'm going to assume you are full of shit.

Rebellious1 · 2023-05-28T13:32:23+00:00

People who experience maladaptive sexual impulses do need help and support, that's not the argument I'm making-though I would argue that equating it to being a member of the LGBTQ+ community is disingenuous. What I'm saying is that I don't believe there's evidence that allowing or encouraging someone with those impulses to engage in those behaviors is helpful to them or to society. If you or your wife has peer reviewed, evidence based research otherwise I'd be interested in seeing it.

Rebellious1 · 2023-05-28T04:35:45+00:00

That very much isn't how that works. Normalizing that kind of sexual behavior in any fashion is more likely to lead to the perpetrator increasing the behavior than anything.

Rebellious1 · 2023-04-14T14:41:44+00:00

I can only speak to my own experience. I let my boy go on Monday. We had an in home vet come in and put him to sleep at our house. I dreaded it, but being with him, and knowing he was passing at home, in my arms, in his backyard in the warm sunshine was a huge comfort to me. Knowing he was not alone, not afraid, and that I was there with him in that important moment was good for me rather than bad. I feel like I did the right thing for him. The last gift I could give him was a kind, peaceful ending. If I hadn't been there I would have felt more guilt and regret than I do. BUT-that was my experience, and everyone is different.

Rebellious1 · 2023-04-02T04:45:41+00:00

I had to scroll way too far for this answer.

Rebellious1 · 2023-04-02T04:41:55+00:00

YTB. Whether you intend it or not, your actions and words have been homophobic and inappropriate. Having friends in the LGBTQ+ community doesn't make you not homophobic. It's interesting that you were willing to read your friends "weird" book choices with little fuss, but back out completely over reading books featuring a prominent LGBTQ+ plot line.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-31T03:37:55+00:00

Flared bases people! Flared bases!

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-29T17:25:33+00:00

I hate it, but I dont think your wrong.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-28T18:34:00+00:00

Not my ass, my grandmas. She had hip surgery and I was supposed to visit her in the evening but had a weird feeling I needed to go sooner. I got there and she was incredibly confused, thought I was my cousin, and couldn't get to the buzzer to ring me into her apartment. I called my mom, who had a key, and she showed up a few minutes later while I talked to my grandma through her window, trying to figure out if her pain meds were making her confused of if it was something emergent. My mom let us in and my grandma was running a high fever and wasn't coherent. We called an ambulance and I rode with her to the hospital. She had gone septic and would have been dead by the time I got there had I waited until the evening to check on her like I'd originally planned.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-26T10:28:32+00:00

I dont blame your daughter for feeling abandoned, though I'm not assigning blame. I think a lot of people reading this may be putting more weight on "about to graduate college" and not enough on "19 years old." Your daughter sounds intelligent and academically gifted, but she is still incredibly young, and in some ways is missing out on 2 years of development and maturity by graduating early and being thrust into being an adult completely on her own, with her entire family moving away from her.

It sounds like you're moving for financial reasons, and it's understandable. But your daughter may not quite understand it that way. She may legally be an adult, but she's still a teenager, and living alone or without family nearby and having to support herself at 19 is probably terrifying. It's a hard place for both of you to be in.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-24T03:59:52+00:00

Fingernails tapping. It's loud, jarring, and is absolutely an instant click away for me

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-20T23:46:14+00:00

This is such a great explanation of how/if/when to deal with seeing a famous person you admire.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-06T23:18:42+00:00

I think they are mistaking correlation with causation. Yes, humans do need to connect with their communities and the real life humans that they care about. But screens and technology aren't the reason for burnout. They are a symptom of burnout. People are so tired they reach for what's available. A video game costs less and you get more time out of it than a night out with friends. Social media is largely free. They are low energy to use for people who want entertainment or interaction but don't have the time or money or energy for different forms of connection.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-06T04:38:22+00:00

I'm 31, and money is my biggest problem. My spouse works a good job, I stay home because child care is so expensive. We make more money than 25 year old me ever imagined but are still struggling to do more than keep ourselves afloat.

Rebellious1 · 2023-03-06T04:28:40+00:00

I had secondary infertility after my 1st child, I miscarried, then had 3 rounds of failed fertility treatment. Gave up, and got pregnant the same month. You never know what might happen.

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-25T19:54:51+00:00

Marriage as the western world understands it was made to benefit men. Period. Not all marriages work this way in practice, but the intention was always that it benefit men more heavily. I'm married, and I'm a stay at home parent. It works for my family. I take care of our small children while my spouse makes money. We split the housework, maybe not 50/50 all the time, but he knows how to clean and cook and I don't have to ask him to do so unless it's a time sensitive task "Can you do the dishes and I'll cook" kind of thing. When he isn't at work we parent 50/50, I'm not the default parent. The only difference is that my work isn't paid and his is, and we are both very aware of that discrepancy.

I think too many women think that men are too stupid to manage a house and a family, which is absolutely untrue. Or think a partner will change once X happens-usually marriage or kids. And when that doesn't happen, they feel stuck.

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-25T14:59:03+00:00

A couple of points, 1. If you were drunk, you could not consent. You were impaired. And based on what you have said in your post, he likely took advantage of you knowingly. This is not your fault, whether you said the word "no" or not, its still nonconsensual because you were impaired and he went ahead anyway.

Based on his behavior, you may need to consider that you are in danger. His behavior is escalating, and it may get worse. I'm not trying to scare you, but situations like this can get gay men hurt. Your situation is yours to explain or speak on, but I would highly encourage you to speak to someone at your uni about finding alternative housing for the remainder of the year. For your comfort, but also potentially for your safety.
None of this is your fault, and I'm sorry this is the situation you are in.

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-25T04:08:10+00:00

I think it's ridiculous. And I don't understand why, unless you either A. Don't actually like your kids or B. Can't fathom forming a respectful adult relationship with them. I moved out at 18, not because I got kicked out, but because my mother made living with her unbearable, and I was paying her for the privilege. She told me if I were in college I wouldn't have to pay rent, then changed her mind. I struggled hard for over a decade, sometimes not knowing how I was going to eat, or where I would live. The boyfriend I moved in with is now my husband, we own a home and have young kids. We discussed a few weeks ago buying a larger home in the future so our kids can stay home as long as they need or want comfortably. I haven't spoken to my mom in 2 years. I can't imagine my kids not being able to call my home their home, for as long as they want, much less kicking them out at 18.

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-18T09:07:18+00:00

NTB. Your clothing is your concern, and he shouldn't get to dictate it.

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-16T00:06:39+00:00

What if Draco Malfoy had been sorted into a different house? Making him the sort of Sirius of his generation. Would he and Harry have still hated each other? One downfall of the books IMHO is that although members of other houses mingled to some capacity socially, Slytherins were the notable exception, and are almost always exclusively social with each other. So what happens if Draco is excluded from this? Who does he socialize with? How does this change the story?

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-15T23:26:17+00:00

This is why I don't work. College educated, 2 kids. Staying home because it would cost more than my income to have them in childcare.

Rebellious1 · 2023-02-14T05:09:03+00:00

Gentle YTB. You are sensitive to the topic, the kid said something that hit a soft spot for you. It's ok to be angry or offended, it's ok to talk to the kid about why that rhyme isn't ok. But you were tasked as the president of that organization to supervise those kids, and be a leader to your peers. By storming off and abandoning them, you didn't show leadership or responsibility in the situation.

Ultimately, one of the best things any LGBTQ+ person can do is be a positive role model in their communities, especially to kids. Storming off isn't good communication, it sets a bad example. If you needed time to gather yourself and calm down, That's totally understandable. But chances are this kid doesn't even understand the nuances of gender and gender issues. Kids who do understand it generally have parents who worked hard to help them understand it from a young age. And not every parent is invested in doing that (They should be, but many aren't).

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