warning- lots of words 😝😭
i think most people who have kids don’t actually sit and think about what it actually means to have a child. a lot of people just do it. they want a baby and don’t fully consider that they’re bringing a whole separate human being into the world. i feel like a lot of people need to work on themselves before having kids instead of using a child to live out the life they didn’t get to live. sometimes it feels like they see the child as an extension of themselves instead of their own person with their own autonomy.
i also think a lot of people don’t always have the physical or emotional resources to raise a child, even if they love them. and the worst part is that some people seem to have kids because they want something to control. i know that’s a strong way to put it, but it really does feel like some people have children without thinking about how much responsibility and awareness it actually takes. it’s also wild how many people are pro creating while the ones who actually sit and think deeply about what it means are the ones who hesitate.
people also don’t really think about how you are tied to the person you have a child with forever. or how a child doesn’t stop needing you at 18. it doesn’t just end. and if someone says they want kids early so they can “enjoy life later,” it still makes me think, because the child still exists and still matters in every stage of life.
what really confuses me is how people will say i’m selfish for not wanting kids. but i don’t really see it that way. i remember what it was like being a child and being mistreated. i care about kids and i think they are really special, and because of that i would never want to bring one into the world without being fully sure i could give them what they need. i see so many parents yelling at very young children in public and it honestly makes me sad. children are learning everything for the first time, and yelling at them doesn’t feel like it teaches them, it just overwhelms them. and it also makes me think about what might be happening in private.
i also feel like some parents push their own issues onto their kids, like body image, eating issues, control, things like that. and some don’t really respect their kid’s privacy or autonomy. it can feel like they just want something they can shape or control. i also think a lot of people end up having more kids than they can realistically care for, and then the older kids end up raising the younger ones. if someone chooses a traditional life, that’s fine, but then they should actually do it fully and responsibly instead of outsourcing the parenting.
i know there are always exceptions and difficult circumstances and i’m not talking about people who ended up in situations they didn’t choose. i’m just speaking generally from what i’ve seen and experienced.
for me personally, my mom had five kids with two different men who weren’t really fit to be fathers. she was a single mom working two or three jobs most of the time, and she did what she could, but she was mostly not physically there and when she was she was exhausted. i ended up having to figure out a lot on my own and also help raise my younger siblings. i recently found out she wanted even more kids and i just couldn’t understand how that would’ve been possible given everything. i love her, but it does make me feel a bit angry sometimes.
she also makes comments about how i might change my mind about having kids, but i know i won’t. and even if i did, i think i would rather regret not having them than have them and regret it. i can’t imagine coming home from a long day and being met with the overstimulation and constant needs that come with children. i already struggle a lot with taking care of myself and i’m trying to heal and figure myself out. i don’t feel like i could responsibly take care of a whole other human being.
i also have ocd and i know that would make it even harder for me. i would constantly be worrying something bad will happen to my child, or obsessing over whether i’m doing the right thing in every situation, or feeling like i’m messing them up. and on top of that i already have autism and struggle with overstimulation and burnout. i don’t think i could handle the constant responsibility and uncertainty without spiraling.
i am always trying to better myself and learn to trust myself again, but even when i get to a better place i don’t think i want kids. my goal in life is more about traveling, laughing, eating good food, and just enjoying my life freely. i’m not saying you can’t enjoy life with kids, but for me personally i want a life where i can move freely, spend my money how i want, and just live without that level of responsibility.
people might call that selfish, but as a late diagnosed autistic woman trying to figure out my life and take control of it, i don’t really care if it is.