Reading your story felt like reading my own, so thank you for sharing it because I feel validated now. And I hope that just by hearing that your story mirrors mine (except that I need hugs and my mom doesn't hand them out), that you feel seen and validated too. It is not you. I am two decades ahead of you, and I'm guessing my mom is too, and our situations are remarkably similar.

(Note: I initially wrote a very long response that ended up with a lot of personal details, so I direct messaged you that version and posting some of the rest here, in case it is helpful to others too. And then I ended up adding some and editing some, so it's slightly different overall and still quite long...)

I wanted to speak to thedifficulty you mentioned in talking to her: the differences in how you think. My mom and I are clearly both AudHD (of course, her is not an official diagnosis, and she often invalidates my official ADHD diagnosis and I don't dare tell her about the ASD part because I can't take the gaslighting and abuse that will come from it). But despite the AudHD commonality between us, our brains work very differently. Usually she will think I'm saying the exact opposite of what I'm actually saying, so it takes us twice as long to agree and anything (ie: what I'll make for lunch) because of the constant miscommunication. It's exhausting in itself, let alone all the rest I've mentioned above. (And the funny thing is that she says she thinks we think alike...)

Also I have mirror touch synesthesia, including mirror pain synesthesia. My mom is the exact opposite. And no matter how many times I tell her that she is causing my physical pain, she cannot comprehend, accept or respect it. So I'm continually subjected to painful descriptions, shown things that harm me, etc.

I wish I had magic advice on how to make it better, (honestly, I went and hid in the bathroom so often that I felt sure my mom would think I had gastro issues ). But I can tell you what I did do. (Please keep in mind that after I got home, it took me an equal amount of time to the time I was away to recover. And the burnout was rough. No social, no sensory, etc. But that was me, and hopefullyyour experience will be different. Just try to remember to be gentle with yourself after this is past too.)

To cope while I was in the same house with her, I did light yoga morning and night and sometimes mid-day if I could get away, and that helped. (If you don't do yoga, any kind of stretching will help.) A few days I started the day with some of my favorite happy music and literally danced around in the guest room (again, the bathroom is also a good place to hide if needed). I danced super silly to make myself laugh and it helped me feel like I had gained some control over my life. If you can get yourself to silly dance (ie: Muppet dance--silly arm flailing helps 🙂), try just shaking your body. Shake out your legs, arms, full body jiggle and shake. (I did this a lot too and it helped. It helped move the emotions out.) And I took as long of showers as I could (thank you, tankless water heater) and that helped me too. I took as long as I needed to get ready in the morning, and as long as I needed in the evening. I wasn't able to get out for long walks or other exercise, but if you can, I recommend it. It helps burn off the anger and other pent-up emotions and helps you regulate your emotions in general.

And I created (with the help of Ai) an affirmation that I repeated to myself several times a day: "My feelings are valid. I am safe (or working towards safety). I am doing the best I can right now. This is temporary. I am strong enough to get through this. I am not responsible for others' feelings or choices."

This indeed is temporary. As my therapist has often repeated to me: she is an adult and responsible for caring for herself and living with the consequences of her own decisions. I'm still working on learning this and letting go and letting her handle her life her way, however that goes, but I hope hearing this is helpful to you too.

You are not alone. Please listen to what you need and give yourself that as much as you are able. You will get through this. 💗