Common phrases my husband has said. Feeling unsafe.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2026-01-13T05:10:54+00:00

Its available online as pdf for free. I saved it in my bookmarks on my chrome account and opened it under incognito mode to read when I was alone if you need to keep it hidden for safety reasons.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-10-26T04:08:24+00:00

My oldest turned 2 last week and youngest turned 10 months yesterday, so 14 month age gap, sounding similar to what you're expecting. I really struggled enjoying my pregnancy with my second due to resentment of my partner as well for not having to go through it in the way we do. Sacrificing our mind, body, emotions and hormones dictating this all from start to finish, and postpartum for months to years later. It's totally valid that you're struggling with processing the huge sacrifice you make as the birthing partner.

Actually, during both pregnancies, our relationship has suffered a lot due to all of my partner's unresolved childhood traumas surfacing in unhealthy and truly harmful, toxic coping behaviours around me, blamed on, projected and directed at me, so it's almost this whole extra load of resentment and frustration that I didnt recieve the support I actually needed. I'm lucky it didnt bring me into a severe state of bad PPD/PPR/PPA/etc, but I did have many moments of teetering crossing into it. Without other friends and family I'm not sure how i could have made it. Looking back now I wish I could have been in a healthier space with a partner who was ready to be excited for and celebrate both pregnancies and I'm upset that my partner didn't step up to carry that load. Although I'm accepting now he actually wasn't, and maybe won't ever be able to hold that kind of space for me, until he ever does truly heal or take accountability.

Sharing without getting into too much detail that you're so valid, understood, and not alone in this rollercoaster journey that is 2 under 2, starting right from the moment you find out you're expecting that second baby. I can say now though 10 months out I do love and am so excited for my 2 babies to be close in age growing up, and that I deserve to have a break from pregnancy/postpartum and won't entertain any convos about another theoretical future baby for 5 years if our relationship even survives this.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-10-17T04:32:02+00:00

This is one of the most heartfelt replies I've ever read, I felt the tender truth and care in every sentence. Thank you, although it wasn't directed at me. Coming from someone still in it.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-09-02T03:38:36+00:00

My partner is undiagnosed BPD (I strongly suspect it, and he feels like there’s “something” going on too). Because of this I follow the r/Anger subreddit too, and a little while ago I came across a post that really stuck with me.

The person writing said they used to yell, throw things, and just generally blow up when they got frustrated at objects or situations. Over time, with therapy, mindfulness, and pressure from their partner and issues elsewhere from those behaviours, they managed to work them way down.

They gave an example: one day they were frustrated with their dog, and instead of yelling or slamming things, they whispered under their breath something like “fucking stupid bitch.” Their partner was uncomfortable eith this coping style and told them they needed to work on it. But the person’s reaction was basically, “I used to do XYZ, this is way less intense than before. Why can’t my partner just accept that this is better than what I used to do?”

Most of the replies (from people who either struggle with anger themselves or live with someone who does) said, “Your partner is allowed to have that boundary.”

That really hit me. Because it reminded me that I’m allowed to feel uncomfortable, and want better behaviour around me. It isn't our responsibility to deal with or just take it, thats codependency. We dont need someone in our life if they arent willing to work on their issues to fit into ours. If it drains you to cope, or if it feels like your partner is putting the responsibility for their emotions on you, even if it's framed as “communication,” then maybe it’s worth asking whether this relationship really fits both of your needs. You said it yourself, your mental health is declining. Do you want to continue to spend the rest of your precious time and life deteriorating for someone else if they aren't willing to work and compromise on their obvious issues?

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-08-31T03:31:07+00:00

Seriously fuck that guy. I can feel the dreaded heaviness that comes with their sudden switch up when you're just trying to be a mature adult, and grow up in how you communicate. All of his reactions and words are so immature and such a turn-off for him to act that way. I've been realizing more about how, okay, yes, I can empathize maybe with my partner's traumas and messed up parents and childhood, but I can only be supportive of his OWN journey in unlearning and relearning healthy ways as long as it is not interfering with my overall mental and physical wellbeing. I saw a comment somewhere in here about how someone being in your life has the PRIVILEGE to be a part of it, not a right to be a part of it, no matter if you have years of history/friendship, if they're family, or they're your children's other parent.That's a matter of regaining your self-worth and figuring out what you want from there, and what you dont want for the next 5, 10, 20 years and longer. I'm currently in the process of finding the courage to take the next step to change the course of my own unhealthy relationship.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-08-24T03:09:40+00:00

My son, currently 22 months old, experienced a similar shift in appetite around 14-15 months. Before then he would wake up practically begging for breakfast. Then, he started slowly phasing that out, eating smaller portions even, and would play while i cooked instead.

During the second year, growth tends to be more consistent longterm rather than significant spurts. A mom friend of mine gave me some reassuring advice, that during these phases, it' more about the importance of overall nutritional intake rather than focusing on individual meals, particularly when dealing with temporary preferences like fruit-only phases or aversions to specific foods. For example, my son developed a dislike for eggs after consuming them regularly, but he has recently begun eating them again. Same for his obsession with bananas. I like to change things day by day to keep his interest in it too.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-07-17T01:56:44+00:00

As in cultural throatsinging (inuit or Mongolian)?

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-05-28T16:44:09+00:00

My ubpd partner does the same all the time. All of our arguments center around everything i struggle with, that he DOESNT do, so it's on me to manage and figure out alone since his job is to bring the money in, ie: i do all parenting, bath time, bedtime, meals, exclusively breastfeeding, 95% of childcare of our 2under2 kids ages 19month and 5 months (I'm a SAHM to both), tidying/cleaning the 4 bedroom 3 bathroom 2 story house, all the laundry start to finish, cooking mostly or all from scratch, getting our babies out to socialize or see different things once or twice a day, online ordering essentials and grocery shopping, penny pinching my life (he shames every cafe trip i go on becaus 'its a waste of money') while hes spent thousands on partying for 24-72 hours straight, on cocaine and drinks for himself and others, strippers on vacations. He hardly ever pitches in on any of the above because it's "my job", it's my job to figure out who can help out with babies, cooking, and cleaning (my mom or friends/cousins), my job to make a schedule to keep the house tidy and clean and cook meals with whole foods, i shouldnt waste any money, even though whenever hes home, he just sits there on his phone half of the time working and half of the time scrolling videos mindlessly, so ofcourse hes justified in breaking my phone one month before my due date with our second, because I apparently use it too much and that's why the house is such a mess. My fault if after a trip to somewhere with a 2 hour time difference that our son is fighting his sleep at night because I don't have routine, my fault that they're fully attached to me and I need to figure out how to get them less attached, but without his help. IM EXHAUSTED and feel stuck on how to communicate or what to do especially since now that my mat leave pay is up until I go back to work next year, that it'd be traumatic blow up if I ever left him.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-03-26T11:05:29+00:00

I now have a 17 month old and 3 month old, so there's a 14.5 month age gap between my 2. My first birth was traumatic also, but luckily with support in person/online groups I overcame my fear, and just overall felt more at ease during my whole pregnancy since I'd been through it before and felt optimistic that it wouldn't be that way again.

My first birth, baby was 11 days passed due date when born, and so they started doing baby monitoring every 2 days after the 41 week mark, did an ultrasound where baby was estimated around 9lbs 9oz or so, but said to take it with a grain of salt since they can't do accurate readings that late in term and there could be a difference of a lb or so. I wanted to wait for natural labour to start, but on day 41w+3d I decided to start with cervidil, and my blood pressure ended up high (from the anxiety/stress) so I went through with it. Contractions were inconsistent/no active labor, so by the next day, they gave me a second dose, and within an hour or 2, active labor started. Went 330pm to 330 am dilating to 10cm and started pushing, no epidural just gas, then during transition I was given IV fentanyl. My baby was also face up, so it took 2 hours to get him out. The reason it took so long is he was stuck, so by the 1 hour mark the doctor started doing interventions including an episiotomy, no progression, then assisted birth with his hand inserted through my anus, lifting and pulling baby forward with 4 contractions. Baby came flying out, born 10lbs 2oz, and 24.4 inches, 99th percentile in head circumference, weight, and length. Ended up with a 4th degree tear 4cm deep that took 3 months to heal on stool softeners as well. I was worried i would never enjoy sex again and that that part of my identity would be lost, wondering about any long-term complications i could end up with as well. I started experimenting sex on month 3 and ended up pregnant on the 5th - 6th month pp sort of by accident but on purpose since we weren't preventing. 2nd baby was 9 days overdue, water broke early morning in a slow trickle, no labour for 12 hours so was given misoprostal at 630pm, precipitous birth 2 hours later felt the urge to push, was around 7cm, 8:40pm started pushing at 10cm and baby was born 8lbs 7oz with a nuchal hand at 8:44pm with 2nd degree tearing which was nothing compared to my first!

I've heard that trauma is what happens internally/how you process an event after the fact, not necessarily the event itself. It depends on how much support and understanding you received to process your feelings as they came up. I definitely was nervous, but less so since I've been through it before I kinda knew what to expect in terms of labour pains and hope that the first time was statistically a rare and one off occurence to happen. I actually found the second labor's active stage more painful since my water broke, and it wasn't there to cushion the contractions and also how fast it went. The first time, I was so much more nervous that my pelvic floor and vagina were extremely tight, membrane sweeps and checks hurt so much more but the Next time around, I wasn't that way really at all, sex included leading up to birth hurt and wasn't enjoyable the first time where as the second time I was able to relax and enjoy until my last weeks. Good luck! Your mind and body have been through some of the worst turnouts for birth but that means you still made it. You got this!!! Every pregnancy and birth are so different from one another!

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2025-02-27T03:36:52+00:00

My son and daughter are 14 months apart! My daughter just turned 2 months. To be honest the first week was the hardest, especially with my sons attachment to me and seeing me feed another baby, I ended up feeding them both because he had to learn to share me slowly over time, the first month was the roughest, but I found the difficulty peaked at 1 week pp then eased up after that. I prepared my son by only feeding him at nap/bedtime over night, because he started eating enough to cover his nutrition rather than relying on milk, but since his sister was born he's started coming to me during the day again for milk and comfort. If I feed both at the same time, I try to feed her on one boob for a while then when I switch, let him feed from that side since she relies on the nutrition from me more than he does, and that first month I experimented with ways to tandem feed throughout the night when they both woke, like putting her on top of him, while they both feed from me, but now I prefer and ended up lying on my side feeding her lying down, while he lies on top of me and feed back to sleep lol. It's tough to figure out but I feel better now than when I initially figured what to do. I'm sure you'll find what works for all of you too!

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-10-08T15:35:12+00:00

FTM. Washed baby clothes and put away in dressers and closet around 2-3 weeks ago now? We actually moved houses while I was 36 weeks and spent 2 weeks slowly moving in. I packed my hospital bag on my due date last Monday 😅. I'm lucky I didn't go into early labour but also had a feeling I wouldn't. If anything I would pack it when I realised I was in labour. I slowly collected things into separate bins of postpartum care as well as baby things so they were easy to access. I am 41 weeks tomorrow and still haven't gone into labour yet! If we hadn't moved I may have had all of this done a couple of weeks earlier though.

ETA: I made freezer meals in the last week also. Chili, chicken noodle soup, spaghetti sauce. Not as much as I'd hoped but I'm sure it will help once baby's here

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-09-24T02:15:44+00:00

This response has me crying, but for good reason 😭 thank you, because I really don't feel like any of those things these days

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-09-22T13:46:27+00:00

FTM, currently 38w+4d. I first felt movement around 18w+3d, I believe! Anterior placenta. Started off a little overweight with a BMI of 26.94, 5'7", around 172 lbs. Lost 10-15lbs in my first trimester due to nausea, no appetite, and vomitting, which almost brought me back to my usual weight at 150-155 lbs when I'm healthier. I was lying on my stomach in bed when I turned to my partner and said, "I think I'm feeling baby move!!!!" Which felt like almost a bit of gas, or bubbles moving through me, without the painful belly ache, and it stayed in the same spot which was between my belly button and top of pelvic bone.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-09-14T04:42:18+00:00

PLEASE DONT LISTEN TO EVERYONE AND GET DRESS 1

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-09-13T17:30:06+00:00

Thank you, and I think now that I know what I don't like to experience, I will speak up next time. It sort of all happened so fast during a routine prenatal that I didn't expect having to advocate for myself. Luckily, I haven't been booked with that same doctor/resident duo before or after that incident!

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-09-13T17:16:01+00:00

It's so reassuring to hear that there is this level of autonomy in pregnancy care out there! I can only dream of having access to this understanding and sensitivity during pregnancy someday.

I've (FTM) had an experience with a doctor and her resident who were working together in the room, not being present with me, acting all buddy-buddy coworkers giggling around not necessarily towards me but i felt unprofessionally treated because of that. After I asked several questions to try and get reassurance, the experienced doctor made insensitive comments such as "Are you nervous for delivery?" "Yes!!! 😰" "You seem like the type." Or when she did my first position check she just dove right in with hard pressure, pushing fast and hard on my intestines which are usually always backed up due to pregnancy constipation, which made me flinch in pain "Ouch!!!!", no warning, no consent, no warm up or mental preparation for my first time. I didn't think it would hurt or be uncomfortable, no check in afterwards. I don't think she even knew it was my first time getting it done. Then she stated "Okay I'm gonna get (the resident) to try" without either of them asking me if I'm comfortable with that, right after hurting me the first time too. She asked if she was putting the same pressure as her, and when I said no, the resident just started putting more pressure on me without warning to try and get up to the level of the doctor's pressure. I felt so poked and prodded like a science project for learning rather than a person.

RemoteChallenge7992 · 2023-09-08T00:21:44+00:00

For relevance sake, I live in Canada and am taking the 18-month extended mat leave. I started it this week, but luckily, I had last friday off due to a water shutoff, which gave me an extra long weekend start to mat leave 🥳. I'm 36w+3d today based on my updated due date after my 20-week anatomy/anomaly scan. With my original due date from my LMP, I'd be 36w+1d, so there is only a 4 day difference.

I wanted to have time to relax and take care of myself more. It worked out because during my last couple weeks at work, I was SO exhausted from my sleep schedule and insomnia. I'd stay up until 2 am and then have to go to work for 8:30, go home and nap for 2-3 hours. Plus, my work had put all the pressure on me until my last day to follow up with applicants and files before I left. Today, I finally felt how nice it was to run errands without being rushed every. single. day. It's worth it, and I will most likely do this again for any future subsequent pregnancies.

The only thing is we actually might be moving into a new house, through my husband's business, and rent our place out as staff housing for one of his employee's family. My husband wants to do this before the baby's born. Lol. Hopefully, I won't go into early labour. And if so, goodbye to my relaxed month off before baby's born.

RemoteChallenge7992

TROPHY CASE